Читать книгу Let’s Get Physical: Get fit and fabulous the ‘80s way - Ashley Davies - Страница 8

WORK IT

Are the increasingly complicated demands of today’s clean-living lifestyle trends getting you down? Is the po-faced approach to wellness starting to feel like a joyless arms race? Do you yearn to inject some genuine happiness into your fitness regime?

There is an alternative. Exercise like it’s the ‘80s and you will feel alive in ways you never dreamt possible. True, mild static electric shocks will be inevitable, but, boy, it will be worth it.

All you need is a bouncy attitude and a willingness to accessorise like your life depends on it. Embellishment is the name of this game. Go big or go home. Here’s how to get started.

Start by choosing a gym buddy and co-ordinate your outfits. Try to outdo each other’s makeup and accessories. If she gets a belt, you get a belt and a headband. If she gets a headband and new leg warmers, put a key ring on your belt. This friendly competition is time-consuming but very motivating.

The road to corporeal perfection is littered with the bodies of rivals. Stay focused. Disguise the painful fury of your ambition with stage makeup.

Teamwork is vital though. Take care of your squad and they’ll take care of you. A dainty dab of wet-look gel will keep your ‘do fresh.

Leg warmers are the beating heart of ‘80s workout gear. Fight the urge to ask what the actual heck they’re for and embrace them. Treasure them. They will prove you’re taking this seriously.

If you’re on a budget, simply tie a shoelace around your head and smile convincingly.

Declaring your preferred method of artistic expression in diagonal letters on your shirt will help people know you are not to be trifled with.

The trend for eye-wateringly high-cut leotard thighs raged unchecked. They got so high that some people struggled to stand up.

And when they couldn’t get any higher, the competitive spirit propelled them upwards in ever-more creative ways.

Word to the wise: if you try to disguise your big old socks as leg warmers, you’re gonna get the side-eye, big time.

Fellas, you only need to follow three simple rules if you want to be accepted: co-ordinate, co-ordinate, co-ordinate.

If your house burns down or jealous haters steal your leg warmers, get your hands on something bright to stand out at aerobics, ideally a colour blend reminiscent of a toxic hazard warning. Be strong. Be seen. Be safe.

When co-ordinating workout gear with your best friends, select an outfit that represents all three personality types: confident, curious and weak with hunger.

Don’t be discouraged if your leotard shrank in the wash and that piece of trash Pam stole your dance shoes: distract pyjama-wearing onlookers with stilettos, a jaunty scarf, a belt made from Christmas crackers and a sassy posture.

If a fully clothed dude approaches you in the gym to mansplain the weights system, what’s the first question you ask yourself? That’s right. It’s: ‘Does my ribbon match my gigantic workout earrings?’ You’re good to go, babez.

Having hair as big as your dreams is a crucial part of embracing the true joy of ‘80s fitness culture. True, the amount of hairspray this requires will ruin the ozone layer for future generations, but your frequent flicking motions will result in a fan-like effect to cool your friends down.