Читать книгу The Breakdown - B A Paris - Страница 9
ОглавлениеI wake the next morning to find Matthew sitting on the edge of the bed, a mug of tea in his hand.
‘What time is it?’ I murmur, struggling to open my eyes against the sunshine streaming in through the window.
‘Nine o’clock. I’ve been up since seven.’
‘How’s the migraine?’
‘Gone.’ In the sunlight his sandy hair looks golden and I reach up and run my hands through it, loving its thickness.
‘Is that for me?’ I ask, eyeing the mug hopefully.
‘Of course.’
I wriggle into a sitting position and sink my head back against the pillows. ‘Lovely Day’, my favourite feel-good song, is playing on the radio downstairs and with the prospect of six weeks’ holiday in front of me, life feels good.
‘Thanks,’ I say, taking the mug from him. ‘Did you manage to sleep?’
‘Yes, like a log. I’m sorry I couldn’t wait up for you. How was your journey back?’
‘Fine. Lots of thunder and lightning, though. And rain.’
‘Well, at least the sun is back out this morning.’ He nudges me gently. ‘Move over.’ Careful not to spill my tea, I make way for him and he climbs in beside me. He lifts his arm and I settle back into him, my head on his shoulder. ‘A woman has been found dead not far from here,’ he says, so softly that I almost don’t hear him. ‘I just heard it on the news.’
‘That’s awful.’ I put my mug on the bedside table and turn to look at him. ‘When you say not far from here, where do you mean? In Browbury?’
He brushes a strand of hair from my forehead, his fingers soft on my skin. ‘No, nearer than that, somewhere along the road that goes through the woods between here and Castle Wells.’
‘Which road?’
‘You know, Blackwater Lane.’ He bends to kiss me but I pull away from him.
‘Stop it, Matthew.’ I look at him, my heart fluttering behind my ribs like a bird trapped in a cage, waiting for him to smile, to tell me that he knows I came back that way last night and is just teasing. But he only frowns.
‘I know. It’s horrible, isn’t it?’
I stare at him. ‘Are you serious?’
‘Yes.’ He looks genuinely puzzled. ‘I wouldn’t make something like that up.’
‘But…’ I feel suddenly sick. ‘How did she die? Did they give any details?’
He shakes his head. ‘No, just that she was in her car.’
I turn away from him so that he can’t see my face. It can’t be the same woman, I tell myself, it can’t be.
‘I have to get up,’ I say as his arms come round me again. ‘I need to go shopping.’
‘What for?’
‘Susie’s present. I still haven’t got her anything and it’s her party tonight.’ I swing my legs from the bed and stand up.
‘There’s no hurry, is there?’ he protests. But I’ve already gone, taking my phone with me.
In the bathroom, I lock the door and turn on the shower, wanting to drown out the voice in my head telling me that the woman who’s been found dead is the one that I passed in my car last night. Feeling horribly shaky, I sit down on the edge of the bath and bring up the Internet, looking for news. It’s Breaking News on the BBC but there are no details. All it says is that a woman has been found dead in her car near Browbury in Sussex. Found dead. Does that mean she committed suicide? The thought is appalling.
My mind races, trying to work it out. If it is the same woman, maybe she hadn’t broken down, maybe she had stopped in the lay-by on purpose, because it was isolated, so that she wouldn’t be disturbed. It would explain why she hadn’t flashed her lights, why she hadn’t asked for my help – why, when she’d looked back at me through the window, she hadn’t made any sign for me to stop, as she surely would have if she’d broken down. My stomach churns with unease. Now, with the sun streaming in through the bathroom window, it seems incredible that I hadn’t gone to check on her. If I had, things might have ended differently. She might have told me she was fine, she might have pretended that she’d broken down and that someone was coming to help her. But if she had, I would have offered to wait until they arrived. And if she had insisted I leave, I would have become suspicious, I would have got her to talk to me – and she might still be alive. And wasn’t I meant to have told someone about her? But distracted by Rachel’s text and the present I was meant to have bought for Susie, I’d forgotten all about the woman in the car.
‘Are you going to be long in there, sweetheart?’ Matthew’s voice comes through the bathroom door.
‘I’ll be out in a minute!’ I call over the sound of the water running wastefully down the drain.
‘I’ll make a start on breakfast, then.’
I strip off my pyjamas and get into the shower. The water is hot but not hot enough to wash away the burning guilt I feel. I scrub my body fiercely, trying not to think about the woman unscrewing a bottle of pills and shaking them into her hand, lifting them to her mouth and swallowing them down with water. What horrors had she endured to make her want to take her life? As she was dying, was there a point when she began to regret what she had done? Hating where my thoughts are going I turn off the water and get out of the shower. The sudden silence is unsettling so I locate the radio on my phone, hoping to hear someone belting out a song full of hope and cheer, anything to stop me from thinking about the woman in the car.
‘… a woman has been found dead in her car in Blackwater Lane in the early hours of the morning. Her death is being treated as suspicious. No further details have been given for the moment but the police are advising people living in the area to be vigilant.’
Shock takes my breath away. ‘Her death is being treated as suspicious’ – The words resonate around the bathroom. Isn’t that what the police say when someone has been murdered? I feel suddenly frightened. I was there, in the same spot. Had the killer been there too, lurking in the bushes, waiting for the opportunity to kill someone? The thought that it could have been me, that I could have been the one to be murdered makes me feel dizzy. I grope for the towel rail, forcing myself to take deep breaths. I must have been mad to have gone that way last night.
In the bedroom, I dress quickly in a black-cotton dress, pulling it from a pile of clothes left on the chair. Downstairs, the smell of grilled sausages turns my stomach before I’ve even opened the kitchen door.
‘I thought we’d celebrate the start of your holidays with a slap-up breakfast,’ Matthew says. He looks so happy that I force a smile onto my face, not wanting to spoil it for him.
‘Lovely.’ I want to tell him about last night, I want to tell him that I could have been murdered, I want to share my horror with him because it seems too big a thing to keep to myself. But if I tell him that I came back through the woods, especially after he specifically told me not to, he’ll be furious. It won’t matter that I’m here, sitting in the kitchen unharmed, not lying murdered in my car. He’ll feel like I do, scared at what could have happened, appalled that I put myself in danger.
‘So what time are you going shopping?’ he asks. He’s wearing a grey T-shirt and thin cotton shorts and, at any other time, I’d be thinking how lucky I was that he was mine. But I can barely look his way. It feels as if my secret is burnt on my skin.
‘As soon as I’ve finished breakfast.’ I look through the window to the back garden, trying to concentrate on how lovely it looks but my mind keeps tripping over last night, over the memory of me driving away. She had been alive at that point, the woman in the car.
‘Is Rachel going with you?’ Matthew interrupts my thoughts.
‘No.’ Suddenly, it seems like the best idea in the world because maybe I could tell her about last night, share the devastation I feel. ‘Actually, that’s a good idea. I’ll phone and ask her.’
‘Don’t be long,’ he says, ‘it’s almost ready.’
‘I’ll only be a minute.’
I go into the hall, take the house phone – we can only get mobile reception upstairs in our house - and dial Rachel’s number. It takes her a while to answer and when she does her voice is heavy with sleep.
‘I’ve woken you,’ I say, feeling bad, remembering she only got back from her trip to New York yesterday.
‘It feels like the middle of the night,’ she says grumpily. ‘What time is it?’
‘Nine-thirty.’
‘So it is the middle of the night. Did you get my text?’
The question throws me and I pause, a headache building behind my eyes. ‘Yes, but I haven’t bought anything for Susie yet.’
‘Oh.’
‘I’ve been really busy,’ I say quickly, remembering that for some reason Rachel thinks we’re buying something together. ‘I thought I’d wait until today in case we changed our minds about what to get her,’ I add, hoping to prompt her into revealing what we’d decided.
‘Why would we? Everybody agreed yours was the best idea. Plus the party’s tonight, Cass!’
The word ‘everybody’ throws me. ‘Well, you never know,’ I say evasively. ‘I don’t suppose you want to come with me, do you?’
‘I’d love to but I’m so jet-lagged…’
‘Not even if I buy you lunch?’
There’s a pause. ‘At Costello’s?’
‘Done. Let’s meet in the café in Fentons at eleven, then I can buy you a coffee as well.’
I hear her yawning and then a rustle. ‘Can I think about it?’
‘No, you can’t,’ I tell her firmly. ‘Come on, out of bed. I’ll see you there.’
I hang up feeling a little lighter, pushing Susie’s present from my mind. After the news this morning, it feels a small worry in comparison.
I go back to the kitchen and sit down at the table.
‘How does that look?’ Matthew asks, swooping a plate of sausages, bacon and eggs in front of me.
It looks like I could never eat it but I smile enthusiastically. ‘Great! Thanks.’
He sits down next to me and picks up his knife and fork. ‘How’s Rachel?’
‘Fine. She’s going to come with me.’ I look at my plate, wondering how I’m going to do it justice. I take a couple of mouthfuls but my stomach rebels so I push the rest around for a bit, then give up. ‘I’m really sorry,’ I say, putting my knife and fork down. ‘I’m still full after the meal last night.’
He reaches over with his fork and spears a sausage. ‘It’s a shame to let it go to waste,’ he says, grinning.
‘Help yourself.’
His blue eyes hold my gaze, not letting it shift away. ‘Are you OK? You seem a bit quiet.’
I blink quickly a couple of times, sending the tears that are threatening my eyes back to where they came from. ‘I can’t stop thinking about that woman,’ I say. It’s such a relief to be able to talk about it that my words come out in a rush. ‘They said on the radio that the police are treating her death as suspicious.’
He takes a bite of sausage. ‘That means she was murdered, then.’
‘Does it?’ I ask, even though I know that it does.
‘That’s usually what they say until all the forensics have been done. God, how awful. I just don’t understand why she would put herself at risk, taking that road at night. I know she couldn’t have known that she’d be murdered, but still.’
‘Maybe she broke down,’ I say, clenching my hands together under the table.
‘Well, she must have. Why else would anyone stop along such a deserted road? Poor thing, she must have been terrified. There’s no phone signal in the woods so she must have been praying that someone would come along to help her – and look what happened when they did.’
I draw in my breath, a silent gasp of shock. It’s as if a bucket of ice-cold water has been thrown over me, waking me up, making me face up to the enormity of what I did. I had told myself that she had already phoned for help – yet I knew there was no signal in the woods. Why had I done that? Because I’d forgotten? Or because it had allowed me to leave with a clear conscience? Well, my conscience isn’t clear now. I had left her to her fate, I had left her to be murdered.
I push my chair back. ‘I’d better go,’ I tell him, busily picking up our empty mugs, praying he doesn’t ask me if I’m OK again. ‘I don’t want to keep Rachel waiting.’
‘Why, what time are you meeting her?’
‘Eleven. But you know how busy the town is on Saturdays.’
‘Did I hear that you’re having lunch with her?’
‘Yes.’ I give him a quick kiss on the cheek, wanting to be gone. ‘I’ll see you later.’
I fetch my bag and take the car keys from the hall table. Matthew follows me to the door, a piece of toast in his hand.
‘I don’t suppose you could pick up my jacket from the cleaner’s, could you? That way I can wear it tonight.’
‘Sure, have you got the ticket?’
‘Yes, hang on.’ He fetches his wallet and hands me a pink ticket. ‘It’s paid for.’
I slip it into my bag and open the front door. Sunlight streams into the hall.
‘Take care,’ he calls as I get into the car.
‘I will. Love you.’
‘I love you more!’
*
The road into Browbury is already heavy with traffic. I tap the steering wheel nervously. In my haste to get away from the house, I hadn’t thought about how it would feel to be in the car again, sitting in the same seat I’d been in when I saw the woman in the car. In an attempt to distract myself, I try to remember the present I’d suggested for Susie. She works in the same company as Rachel, in the Admin section. When Rachel said that everybody had agreed to my suggestion, I’m guessing she was referring to their group of friends from work. The last time we’d met up with them had been around a month ago and I remember Rachel talking about Susie’s fortieth birthday party, taking advantage of the fact that she hadn’t been able to join us that night. Was it then that I’d come up with an idea for a present?
By some miracle, I find a parking space in the street not far from Fenton’s department store and make my way to the tea room on the fifth floor. It’s crowded but Rachel is already there, easily visible in a bright yellow sundress, her dark head of curls bent over her mobile. Two cups of coffee sit on the table in front of her and I feel a sudden rush of gratitude for the way she always looks out for me. Five years older, she’s the sister I never had. Our mothers had been friends and because her mother worked long hours to support the two of them – having been abandoned by her husband not long after Rachel was born – Rachel had spent a large part of her childhood at our house, to such an extent that my parents affectionately referred to her as their second daughter. When she’d left school at sixteen to begin working so her mother would be able to work less, she’d made a point of coming over for dinner once a week. She was especially close to Dad and had mourned him almost as much as I had when he died, knocked down by a car outside our house. And when Mum had become ill and couldn’t be left alone, she would sit with her once a week so that I could go shopping.
‘Thirsty?’ I try to joke, nodding at the two cups on the table. But my words sound fake. I feel conspicuous, as if everyone somehow knows that I saw the murdered woman last night and did nothing to help her.
She jumps up and gives me a hug. ‘There was such a queue that I decided to go ahead and order,’ she says. ‘I knew you wouldn’t be long.’
‘Sorry, the traffic was bad. Thanks for coming, I really appreciate it.’
Her eyes dance. ‘You know I’ll do anything for lunch at Costello’s.’
I sit down opposite her and take a welcome sip of coffee.
‘Did you have a wild time last night?’
I smile and a tiny bit of pressure lifts. ‘Not wild, but it was good fun.’
‘Was gorgeous John there?’
‘Of course he was. All the teachers were.’
She grins. ‘I should have dropped in.’
‘He’s far too young for you,’ I say, laughing. ‘Anyway, he has a girlfriend.’
‘And to think that you could have had him.’ She sighs, and I shake my head in mock despair, because she’s never quite got over the fact that I chose Matthew over John.
After Mum died, Rachel had been brilliant. Determined to get me out of the house, she began taking me out with her. Most of her friends were people she worked with, or knew from her yoga class, and when I first met them, they would ask me where I worked. After a couple of months of telling them that I’d given up my job as a teacher to look after Mum, someone asked why I wasn’t going back to work now that I could. And suddenly, I wanted to, more than anything. I was no longer content to sit at home day after day, enjoying a freedom I hadn’t experienced in years. I wanted a life, the life of a 33-year-old woman.
I was lucky. A shortage of teachers in our area meant I was sent on a refresher course before being offered a job at a school in Castle Wells, teaching History to Year 9 students. I enjoyed being back in work and when John, the resident heart-throb of both teachers and students, asked me out, it was ridiculously flattering. If he hadn’t been a colleague, I would probably have accepted. But I refused, which made him ask me out even more. He was so persistent that I was glad when I eventually met Matthew.
I take another sip of coffee. ‘How was America?’
‘Exhausting. Too many meetings, too much food.’ She takes a flat package from her bag and pushes it across the table.
‘My tea towel!’ I say, taking it out and unfolding it. This time, there’s a map of New York on the front. Last time, it was the Statue of Liberty. It’s a joke between us – whenever Rachel goes away, on a business trip or on holiday, she always brings back two identical tea towels, one for me and one for her. ‘Thank you, you have the same one, I hope?’
‘Of course.’ Her face suddenly becomes serious. ‘Did you hear about the woman who was found dead in her car last night, on that road that goes through the woods between here and Castle Wells?’
I swallow quickly, fold the tea towel in half, then in quarters and bend to put it in my bag. ‘Yes, Matthew told me, it was on the news,’ I say, my head beneath the table.
She waits until I’m sitting straight again, then gives a shudder. ‘It’s horrible, isn’t it? The police think she broke down.’
‘Do they?’
‘Yeah.’ She pulls a face. ‘How awful – imagine breaking down in the middle of a storm, in the middle of nowhere. I don’t even want to think about it.’
It takes everything I’ve got not to blurt out that I was there, that I saw the woman in the car. But something stops me. This place is too crowded and Rachel is already emotionally invested in the story. I’m afraid she’ll judge me, be horrified that I did nothing to help. ‘Me neither,’ I say.
‘You sometimes use that road, don’t you? You didn’t take it last night, did you?’
‘No, I’d never take that road, not when I’m by myself.’ I feel my skin reddening and I’m sure she’ll know that I’ve just lied.
But she carries on, unaware: ‘Just as well. It could have been you.’
‘Except that I wouldn’t have broken down,’ I say.
She laughs, breaking the tension. ‘You don’t know that! She might not have broken down. It’s only supposition. Maybe somebody flagged her down, pretending they were in trouble. Anybody would stop if they saw someone in trouble, wouldn’t they?’
‘Would they, though? On a lonely road and in a storm?’ I desperately want the answer to be ‘No’.
‘Well, not unless they didn’t have a conscience. Nobody would just drive on. They’d at least do something.’
Her words slam through me and tears prick my eyes. The guilt I feel is almost unbearable. I don’t want Rachel to see how much her words have affected me so I lower my head and fix my eyes on the vase of orange flowers sitting between us on the table. To my embarrassment, the petals begin to blur and I reach down hastily, groping in my bag for a tissue.
‘Cass? Are you all right?’
‘Yes, I’m fine.’
‘You don’t seem it.’
I hear the concern in her voice and blow my nose, giving myself time. The need to tell someone is overwhelming. ‘I don’t know why, but I didn’t…’ I stop.
‘Didn’t what?’ Rachel looks puzzled.
I open my mouth to tell her but then I realise that if I do, not only will she be appalled that I drove on without checking that the woman was all right, she’ll also catch me out in a lie, because I’ve already said that I didn’t go home that way last night.
I shake my head. ‘It doesn’t matter.’
‘It obviously does. Tell me, Cass.’
‘I can’t.’
‘Why not?’
I scrunch the tissue with my fingers. ‘Because I’m ashamed.’
‘Ashamed?’
‘Yes.’
‘Ashamed of what?’ When I don’t say anything, she gives a sigh of exasperation. ‘Come on, Cass, just tell me! It can’t be that bad!’ Her impatience makes me even more nervous so I look for something to tell her, something she’ll believe.
‘I forgot about Susie,’ I blurt out, hating myself for using what is just a mundane issue compared to the woman’s death. ‘I forgot that I was meant to have bought her something.’
A frown appears on her face. ‘What do you mean, forgot?’
‘I can’t remember, that’s all. I can’t remember what we decided to buy her.’
She looks at me in astonishment. ‘But it was your idea. You said that as Stephen is taking her to Venice for her birthday, we should buy her some lightweight luggage. We were in the bar near my office at the time,’ she adds helpfully.
I let relief show on my face, although the words mean nothing to me. ‘Of course! I remember now – God, I’m so stupid! I thought it must be perfume or something.’
‘Not when there’s so much money. We all put in twenty pounds, remember, so you should have a hundred and sixty altogether. Have you got it with you?’
A hundred and sixty pounds? How could I forget being given that much money? I want to admit everything but instead I carry on the pretence, no longer sure of myself. ‘I thought I’d pay by card.’
She smiles reassuringly at me. ‘Well, now that that little drama’s over, drink your coffee before it gets cold.’
‘It probably already is – shall I get us a fresh cup?’
‘I’ll go, you sit here and relax.’
I watch her as she joins the queue at the counter, trying to ignore the sinking feeling in my stomach. Although I managed not to tell her about seeing the woman in the car, I wish I hadn’t had to admit that I’d forgotten about the luggage. Rachel isn’t stupid. She’d witnessed Mum’s deterioration on a weekly basis and I don’t want her to worry, or to start thinking that I’m heading down the same road. The worst thing is, I have no memory of suggesting that we buy luggage, or of where I put the hundred and sixty pounds, unless it’s in the little drawer in my old writing desk. I’m not worried about the money itself; if I can’t find it, it doesn’t really matter. But it’s frightening to think I’ve forgotten everything to do with Susie’s present.
Rachel comes back with the coffees.
‘Do you mind if I ask you something?’ she says, sitting down.
‘Go on.’
‘It’s just that it’s not like you to get so upset over something as mundane as forgetting what present you’re meant to have bought. Is there something else troubling you? Is everything all right with Matthew?’
For the hundredth time, I find myself wishing that Rachel and Matthew liked each other more. They try not to show it but there’s always an undercurrent of mistrust between them. To be fair to Matthew, he doesn’t like Rachel simply because he knows she disapproves of him. With Rachel, it’s more complicated. She has no reason to dislike Matthew so sometimes a little voice in my head wonders if she’s jealous that I now have someone in my life. But then I hate myself for the thought, because I know she’s happy for me.
‘Yes, everything’s fine,’ I reassure her, trying to push last night from my mind. ‘It really was just the present.’ Even those words seem like a betrayal of the woman in the car.
‘Well, you were a little worse for wear that night,’ she says, smiling at the memory. ‘You didn’t have to worry about driving home as Matthew was picking you up, so you had quite a few glasses of wine. Maybe that’s why you forgot.’
‘You’re probably right.’
‘Well, drink up and we’ll go and choose something.’
We finish our coffees and go down to the fourth floor. It doesn’t take us long to choose a couple of powder-blue suitcases, and as we make our way out of the shop, I sense Rachel’s eyes on me.
‘Are you sure you want to go for lunch? If you don’t, it doesn’t matter.’
The thought of lunch, of having to talk about anything and everything to avoid speaking about the woman in the car, suddenly seems too much. ‘Actually, I’ve got a splitting headache – a bit too much celebrating last night, I think. Can I take you to lunch next week instead? I can come into town any day now that I’m not working.’
‘Sure. You’ll be all right to come to Susie’s party tonight, won’t you?’
‘Of course. But could you take the cases, just in case?’
‘No problem. Where are you parked?’
‘At the bottom of the High Street.’
She nods. ‘I’m in the multi-storey, so I’ll say goodbye to you here.’
I point to the two suitcases. ‘Can you manage?’
‘They’re lightweight, remember? And if I can’t, I’m sure I’ll be able to find a nice young man to help me!’
I give her a quick hug and make my way to the car. As I turn on the ignition, the time comes up and I see that it’s a minute past one. A part of me – quite a large part – doesn’t want to listen to the local news, but I find myself turning on the radio anyway.
‘Last night, the body of a woman was found in a car in Blackwater Lane, between Browbury and Castle Wells. She had been brutally murdered. If you travelled that road between eleven-twenty last night and one-fifteen this morning, or know anyone who did, please contact us as soon as possible.’
I reach out and turn the radio off, my hand shaking with stress. Brutally murdered. The words hang in the air, and I feel so sick, so hot, that I have to open the window, just to be able to breathe. Why couldn’t they just have said ‘murdered’? Wasn’t ‘murdered’ already bad enough? A car pulls up alongside me and the driver makes signs, wanting to know if I’m leaving. I shake my head and he drives off, then a minute or so later another car comes along, wanting to know the same thing, and then another. But I don’t want to leave, all I want is to stay where I am until the murder is no longer news, until everybody has moved on and forgotten about the woman who was brutally murdered.
I know it’s stupid but I feel as if it’s my fault she’s dead. Tears prick my eyes. I can’t imagine the guilt ever going away and the thought of carrying it around with me for the rest of my life seems too high a price to pay for a moment’s selfishness. But the truth is, if I’d bothered to get out of my car, she might still be alive.
I drive home slowly, prolonging the moment when I have to leave the protective bubble of my car. Once I get home, the murder will be everywhere, on the television, in the newspapers, on everyone’s lips, a constant reminder of my failure to help the woman in the woods.
As I get out of the car, the smell of a bonfire burning in the garden transports me instantly back to my childhood. I close my eyes and, for a few blissful seconds, it’s no longer a hot, sunny day in July, it’s a crisp, cold November evening and Mum and I are eating sausages speared onto forks, while Dad sets off fireworks at the bottom of the garden. I open my eyes to find that the sun has disappeared behind a cloud, mirroring my mood. Normally, I would go and find Matthew but, instead, I head straight for the house, glad to have a little more time to myself.
‘I thought I heard the car,’ he says, coming into the kitchen a few minutes later. ‘I didn’t expect you back so soon. Weren’t you meant to be having lunch out?’
‘We were, but we decided to leave it for today.’
He comes over and drops a kiss on my head. ‘Good. Now you can have lunch with me.’
‘You smell of bonfire,’ I say, breathing it in from his T-shirt.
‘I thought I’d get rid of all those branches I cut down the other week. Luckily, they were under the tarpaulin so the rain didn’t get to them but they would have smoked the house out if we’d used them on the fire.’ He wraps his arms around me. ‘You do know that you’re the one for me, don’t you?’ he says softly echoing what he used to say when we first met.
I’d been working at the school for about six months when a group of us went to a wine bar to celebrate my birthday. Connie noticed Matthew the moment we arrived. He was sitting at a table by himself, clearly waiting for someone, and she’d joked that if his date didn’t turn up she would offer to replace her. When it became obvious that his date wasn’t going to materialise, she went over, already a little drunk, and asked him if he wanted to join us.
‘I was hoping nobody would notice I’d been stood up,’ he said ruefully as Connie sat him down between her and John. It meant that I was opposite him and I couldn’t help noticing the way his hair fell over his forehead, or the blue of his eyes whenever he looked over at me, which he did, quite a lot. I tried not to make too much of it, which was just as well, as by the time we stood up to leave, several bottles of wine later, he had Connie’s number firmly in his phone.
A few days later she came up to me in the staff room, a huge grin on her face, to tell me that Matthew had called her – to ask for my number. So I let her give it to him and when he phoned, he nervously admitted, as he so sweetly put it, ‘As soon as I saw you I knew you were the one for me.’
Once we began seeing each other regularly, he confessed that he couldn’t father children. He told me he’d understand if I didn’t want to see him again but, by then, I was already in love and although it was a major blow, I didn’t feel it was the end of the world. By the time he asked me to marry him, we’d already talked about other ways to have a child and had decided that we would look into it seriously once we’d been married a year. Which is about now. Usually, it’s a constant thought in my mind but now it seems so far away I can’t reach it.
Matthew’s arms are still around me. ‘Did you get what you wanted?’ he asks.
‘Yes, we bought Susie some luggage.’
‘Are you all right? You seem a bit down.’
Suddenly, the need to be on my own is overwhelming. ‘I’ve got a bit of a headache,’ I say, pulling away from him. ‘I think I’ll get an aspirin.’
I go upstairs, get a couple of aspirins from the bathroom and swallow them down with water from the tap. As I lift my head I catch sight of my face in the mirror and search it anxiously, looking for something that could give me away; something which would tell people that everything isn’t as it should be. But there’s nothing to show I’m any different to the person I was when I married Matthew a year ago, just the same chestnut hair and the same blue eyes staring back at me.
I turn my back on my reflection and go into the bedroom. My pile of clothes has been moved from the chair to the now-made bed, a gentle hint from Matthew to tidy them away. On a normal day I would be amused but today I feel irritated. My eyes fall on my great-grandmother’s writing desk and I remember the money Rachel spoke about, the hundred and sixty pounds that everybody gave me for Susie’s gift. If I took the money, it would be in there, it’s where I always put things I want to keep safe. Taking a deep breath, I unlock the little drawer on the left-hand side of the writing desk and pull it out. Lying inside is a scruffy pile of notes. I count them; there’s a hundred and sixty pounds exactly.
In the warm peace of my bedroom the hard facts of what I forgot suddenly loom over me. To forget a name or a face is normal but to forget suggesting a gift and taking money for it isn’t.
‘Did you take some aspirin?’ Matthew says from the doorway, making me jump.
‘I quickly push the drawer shut. ‘Yes, and I feel much better.’
‘Good.’ He smiles. ‘I’m going to have a sandwich. Do you want one? I thought I’d have mine with a beer.’
The thought of food still makes my stomach churn. ‘No, go ahead. I’ll get something later. I’ll just have a cup of tea.’
I follow him downstairs and sit down at the kitchen table. He puts a mug of tea in front of me and I watch him as he takes bread from the cupboard, a slab of cheddar from the fridge and makes himself a quick sandwich, pushing the two together and eating it without a plate.
‘That murder has been on the radio all morning,’ he says, crumbs dropping to the floor. ‘The road’s been closed and the police are all over it, looking for evidence. It’s insane to think it’s all happening five minutes from here!’
I try not to flinch and look absent-mindedly at the tiny white crumbs on our terracotta stone floor. They look as if they’re stranded at sea with no help in sight. ‘Do they know anything about her yet?’ I ask.
‘The police must do because they’ve advised her next of kin but they haven’t released any details. It’s awful to think what someone must be going through right now. Do you know what I can’t get out of my mind? That it could have been you if you’d been stupid enough to take that road last night.’
I stand, my mug in my hand. ‘I think I’ll go and lie down for a bit.’
He looks at me, concerned. ‘Are you sure you’re OK? You don’t look great. Perhaps we shouldn’t go to the party tonight?’
I smile sympathetically because he’s not a party person, he’d much rather have friends over for a casual dinner. ‘We have to, it’s Susie’s fortieth.’
‘Even if you still have a headache?’ I hear the ‘but’ in his voice and sigh.
‘Yes,’ I say firmly. ‘Don’t worry, you won’t have to talk to Rachel.’
‘I don’t mind talking to her, it’s just those disapproving looks she always gives me. She makes me feel as if I’ve done something wrong. Did you remember to get my jacket from the cleaner’s, by the way?’
My heart sinks. ‘No, sorry, I forgot.’
‘Oh. Well, never mind, I guess I can wear something else.’
‘Sorry,’ I say again, thinking of the present and all the other things I’ve forgotten lately. A few weeks ago, he had to come and rescue me and my trolley-load of food at the supermarket when I left my purse on the kitchen table. Since then, he’s found milk where the detergent should be and detergent in the fridge, and has had to deal with an angry call from my dentist over an appointment I forgot I’d made. So far he’s laughed it off, telling me I’m in overload because of the end of the school year. But like with Susie’s present, there have been other times when my memory has failed me, times he doesn’t know about. I’ve driven to school without my books, forgotten both a hair appointment and a lunch with Rachel, and last month I drove twenty-five miles to Castle Wells, unaware I’d left my bag at home. The thing is, although he knows that Mum died when she was fifty-five and that towards the end she was forgetful, I’ve never actually come out and told him that for the three years before she died, I had to wash, dress and feed her. Neither does he know that she was diagnosed with dementia when she was 44, just ten years older than I am now. Back then, I couldn’t believe he would still marry me if he thought there was a possibility that a dozen or so years down the line, I’d be diagnosed with the same thing.
I know now he would do anything for me but too much time has passed. How can I admit that I held things back from him? He’d been so open about not being able to have children and I’d repaid his honesty with dishonesty; I’d allowed my own selfish fears to get in the way of the truth. How I’m paying for that now, I think as I lie down on the bed.
I try to relax but images of last night flash through my mind, one after the other, like stills in a film. I see the car ahead of me on the road, I see myself swerving out around it, I see myself turning my head to look at the driver. And then I see the blur of a woman’s face, looking back at me through the window.
*
In the middle of the afternoon, Matthew comes to find me. ‘I think I’ll go to the gym for a couple of hours. Unless you want to go for a walk or something?’
‘No, it’s fine,’ I say, grateful to have some time on my own. ‘I need to sort through the stuff I brought back from school. If I don’t do it now, I never will.’
He nods. ‘Then we can both have a well-deserved glass of wine when I get back.’
‘Deal,’ I say, accepting his kiss. ‘Have fun.’
I hear the front door slam but, instead of going into the study to sort out my work things, I stay at the kitchen table and let my mind clamber over the thoughts in my head. The house phone rings – it’s Rachel.
‘You’ll never guess what?’ she says breathlessly. ‘You know that young woman who was murdered? Well, it turns out she worked in my company.’
‘Oh, God,’ I mutter.
‘I know, it’s awful, isn’t it? Susie’s in bits. She feels terrible and is cancelling the party – she just can’t bring herself to celebrate when the murder was of someone we knew.’
I feel a slight relief at not having to go out, but also slightly sick that the murdered woman is becoming ever more real.
‘Although I didn’t really know her because she worked in a different division to me…’ Rachel continues, before hesitating a moment. ‘Actually, I feel really bad because when I went into the office from the airport yesterday, I had an argument with someone over a parking space and I think it was her. I was quite verbal – it was the jet-lag talking – and now I wish I’d let it go.’
‘You weren’t to know,’ I say automatically.
‘Susie said the people who worked with her are devastated. Some of them know her husband and, apparently, he’s absolutely distraught – well, he would be, of course. And now he’s been left to bring up two-year-old twins by himself.’
‘Twins?’ The word echoes through my head.
‘Yes, twin girls. It’s such a tragedy.’
I go ice cold. ‘What was her name?’
‘Jane Walters, Susie said.’
The name hits me with the force of a sledgehammer. ‘What? Did you say Jane Walters?’
‘Yes.’
My mind spins. ‘No, it can’t be. It’s not possible.’
‘That’s what Susie said,’ Rachel insists.
‘But… but I had lunch with her.’ I’m so stunned I can hardly speak. ‘I had lunch with her and she was fine. It must be a mistake.’
‘You had lunch with her?’ Rachel sounds puzzled. ‘When? I mean, how did you know her?’
‘I met her at that leaving party you took me to, for that man who worked in your company – Colin. You know, the one you said it was all right for me to tag along to because there’d be so many people nobody would notice that I didn’t work for Finchlakers. I got talking to her at the bar and we swapped phone numbers, and then a few days later, she called me. I told you when you phoned from New York: I said I was going to lunch with her the next day – at least I thought I did.’
‘No, I don’t think so,’ Rachel says gently, understanding how distressed I am. ‘And even if you did, even if you’d told me her name, I wouldn’t have known who she was. I’m so sorry, Cass, you must feel dreadful.’
‘I was meant to be going round to hers next week,’ I say, realising. ‘To meet her little daughters.’ Tears spring to my eyes.
‘It’s horrible, isn’t it? And awful to think of her killer being out there somewhere. I don’t want to worry you, Cass, but your house must only be a couple of miles from where she was killed and, well, it is a bit isolated, stuck down the end of the road by itself.’
‘Oh,’ I manage, feeling sick. Because in all the turmoil and worry, I hadn’t thought about the killer still being out there. And that we can only get a mobile signal if we’re upstairs, by a window.
‘You don’t have an alarm, do you?’
‘No.’
‘Then promise you’ll lock the door when you’re home by yourself ?’
‘Yes – yes, of course I will,’ I tell her, desperate to get away, to stop talking about the woman who was murdered.
‘Sorry, Rachel, I have to go,’ I add hurriedly. ‘Matthew’s calling me.’
I slam the phone down and burst into tears. I don’t want to believe what Rachel just told me, I don’t want to believe that the young woman who was murdered in her car was Jane, my new friend, who would, I felt, have become a great friend. We had met by chance, at the party I had gone to by chance, as if we’d been destined to meet. Still sobbing, as clear as if it’s happening before my eyes, I see her edging towards the bar at Bedales.
*
‘Excuse me, are you waiting to be served?’ she asked, smiling at me.
‘No, don’t worry, I’m waiting for my husband to pick me up.’ I moved aside a little to make room for her. ‘You can squeeze in here, if you like.’
‘Thanks. It’s a good job I’m not desperate for a drink,’ she joked, referring to the number of people waiting to be served. ‘I didn’t realise Colin had invited so many people.’ She looked quizzically at me and I noticed how blue her eyes were. ‘I haven’t seen you around before. Are you new to Finchlakers?’
‘I don’t actually work for Finchlakers,’ I admitted guiltily. ‘I came with a friend. I know it’s a private function but she said there’d be so many people, nobody would notice if there was an extra person. My husband’s watching the match with friends tonight and she felt sorry for me being on my own.’
‘She sounds like a good friend.’
‘Yes, Rachel’s great.’
‘Rachel Baretto?’
‘Do you know her?’
‘No, not really.’ She smiled brightly at me. ‘My husband’s watching the match tonight too. And babysitting our two-year-old twins.’
‘How lovely to have twins! What are their names?’
‘Charlotte and Louise, better known as Lottie and Loulou.’ She took her mobile from her pocket and thumbed through photos. ‘Alex – my husband – keeps telling me not to do this, at least not to total strangers, but I can’t help it.’ She held the phone for me to see. ‘Here they are.’
‘They’re beautiful,’ I told her truthfully. ‘They look like two little angels in those white dresses. Which is which?’
‘This one is Lottie and that’s Loulou.’
‘Are they identical? They seem it to me.’
‘Not exactly but it’s quite difficult for most people to tell them apart.’
‘I bet.’ I saw the barman waiting to take her order. ‘Oh, I think it’s your turn.’
‘Oh, good. A glass of South African red, please.’ She turned to me. ‘Can I get you something?’
‘Matthew will be here soon but…’ I hesitated a moment ‘… I’m not driving, so why not? Thank you. I’ll have a glass of dry white.’
‘My name’s Jane, by the way.’
‘I’m Cass. But please don’t feel you have to stay here now that you’ve been served. Your friends are probably waiting for you.’
‘I don’t think they’ll miss me for a few more minutes.’ She raised her glass. ‘Here’s to chance meetings. It’s such a treat to be able to drink tonight. I haven’t been out much since the twins were born and when I do, I don’t drink because I have to drive home. But a friend is dropping me home tonight.’
‘Where do you live?’
‘Heston, on the other side of Browbury. Do you know it?’
‘I’ve been to the pub there a couple of times. There’s that lovely little park just across the road from it.’
‘With a wonderful play area for children,’ she agreed, smiling, ‘where I seem to spend quite a lot of my time now. Do you live in Castle Wells?’
‘No, I live in a little hamlet this side of Browbury. Nook’s Corner.’
‘I drive through it sometimes on my way back from Castle Wells, if I take that short cut that goes through the woods. You’re lucky to live there, it’s beautiful.’
‘It is, but our house is a bit more isolated than I’d like. It’s great to be only a few minutes from the motorway though. I teach at the high school in Castle Wells.’
She smiled. ‘You must know John Logan then.’
‘John?’ I laughed in surprise. ‘Yes, I do. Is he a friend of yours?’
‘I used to play tennis with him until a few months ago. Is he still telling jokes?’
‘Never stops.’ My phone, which I’d been holding in my hand, buzzed suddenly, telling me I had a text message. ‘Matthew,’ I told Jane, reading it. ‘The car park’s full so he’s double-parked in the road.’
‘You’d better go then,’ she said.
I quickly finished my wine, then said, truthfully, ‘Well, it was lovely talking to you, and thank you for the wine.’
‘You’re welcome.’ She paused, then went on, her words coming out in a rush. ‘I don’t suppose you’d like to have a coffee, or lunch even, some time, would you?’
‘I’d love to!’ I said, genuinely touched. ‘Shall we swap numbers?’
So we took each other’s mobile number and I gave her my home one, too, explaining about the terrible network reception, and she promised to give me a call.
And less than a week later, she did, suggesting lunch the following Saturday, as her husband would be home to look after the twins. I remember being surprised, but pleased, that she’d phoned so soon, and had wondered if she perhaps needed someone to talk to.
We met in a restaurant in Browbury and, as we chatted easily together, it felt as if she was already an old friend. She told me how she had met Alex and I told her about Matthew, and how we were hoping to start a family soon. When I saw him standing outside the restaurant, because he’d arranged to meet me there, I couldn’t believe it was already three o’clock.
‘There’s Matthew,’ I said, nodding towards the window. ‘He must have got here early.’ I looked at my watch and laughed in surprise. ‘No, he’s bang on time. Have we really been here two hours?’
‘We must have been.’ She sounded distracted and when I raised my head I saw that she was staring at Matthew through the window and I couldn’t help feeling a little burst of pride. He’d been told on more than one occasion that he looked like a young Robert Redford and people, especially women, often gave him a second look when they passed him in the street.
‘Shall I go and get him?’ I asked, standing up. ‘I’d like him to meet you.’
‘No, don’t worry, he looks busy.’ I glanced at Matthew; he had his phone out and was tapping away at it, engrossed in writing a text. ‘Some other time. I need to phone Alex, anyway.’
So, I left and, as I walked off hand in hand with Matthew, I turned and waved at Jane through the restaurant window.
*
The memory fades but my tears increase and somewhere inside me I’m aware that I hadn’t shed as many tears when Mum died, because I’d been expecting it. But this news about Jane has shocked me to the core, shocked me so much that it’s a while before everything comes together in my brain and I’m hit by the terrible realisation that it was Jane I saw in the car last night, Jane who had looked back at me through the window as I’d driven past, Jane who I’d left there to be murdered. The horror I feel is matched only by the guilt that presses down on me, suffocating me. I try to calm down, telling myself that if it hadn’t been raining so hard, if I’d been able to make out her features, if I’d known it was her, I would have got out of my car and run back to her through the rain without a second’s hesitation. But what if she had recognised me and was waiting for me to go and help her? The thought is horrendous, but if she had, surely she would have flashed her lights, or got out of her car and come to me? Then another thought hits me, more horrendous than the last: what if the killer had already been there, and she had let me drive away because she wanted to protect me?
*
‘What’s the matter, Cass?’ Matthew asks when he arrives back from the gym and finds me white-faced.
The tears that I can’t manage to still, spill from my eyes. ‘You know that young woman who was murdered? It was Jane.’
‘Jane?’
‘Yes, the girl I met a couple of weeks ago for lunch in Browbury, the one that I met at the party Rachel took me to.’
‘What?’ Matthew looks shocked. ‘Are you sure?’
‘Yes, Rachel phoned to tell me it was someone who worked for her company. I asked what her name was and she said Jane Walters. Susie’s cancelling her party because she knew her too.’
‘I’m so sorry, Cass,’ he says, putting his arms around me and holding me tight. ‘I can’t imagine how you must be feeling.’
‘I just can’t believe it’s her. It doesn’t seem possible. Maybe there’s been a mistake, maybe it’s another Jane Walters.’
I sense him hesitate. ‘They’ve released a picture of her,’ he says. ‘I saw it on my phone. I don’t know if…’ His voice trails off.
I shake my head because I don’t want to look, I don’t want to have to face the truth if it is Jane in the photo. But at least I would know.
‘Show me,’ I say, my voice trembling.
Matthew moves his arms from around me and we go upstairs so he can get on the Internet on his phone. While he searches for the latest news update, I close my eyes and pray: Please, God, please, God, don’t let it be Jane.
‘Here.’ Matthew’s voice is low. My heart thumps with dread but I open my eyes and find myself looking at a photo of the murdered woman. Her blonde hair is shorter than when we met for lunch and her eyes seem less blue. But it is definitely Jane.
‘It’s her,’ I whisper. ‘It’s her. Who would do such a thing? Who would do such a terrible thing?’
‘A madman,’ Matthew says grimly.
I turn and bury my face in his chest, trying not to cry again because he’ll wonder why I’m so upset when in his eyes I barely knew Jane.
‘He’s still out there somewhere,’ I say, suddenly scared. ‘We need an alarm.’
‘Why don’t you phone a couple of firms tomorrow and get them to come round and give us a quote? But don’t commit to anything before we’ve gone through everything with a fine-tooth comb. You know what these people are like – they’ll get you to sign up for things you don’t even need.’
‘All right,’ I say. But for the rest of the afternoon and evening, I’m desolate. All I can think of is Jane, sitting in her car, waiting for me to rescue her. ‘I’m sorry, Jane,’ I whisper. ‘I’m so sorry.’
