Читать книгу A Light Through the Storm - B Boyd - Страница 4

From the time I was a very young girl, I always wanted to be a mom. I come from a large family of 10. I started babysitting when I was eleven. I babysat for my nieces and nephews and for other kids as well. I loved children and looked forward to the day when I would have my own children. Children are so fun to be around. They are happy and put a smile on your face. A child’s laughter is contagious. There could be no greater joy than to be a mom.

I married when I was 20, had my first child when I was 21 and my second at 24. I remember so clearly the incredible feeling of being pregnant and having a child grow within me. A woman glows when she is pregnant. It is an incredible time and a true miracle. Labor with both of my boys was pretty quick, and I had both of them naturally with no pain medication. Giving birth was a physically painful experience but as soon as you see your beautiful baby, you soon forget all of the pain because you are filled with an overwhelming love for this new life that you brought into the world. In Psalm 127:3-5 it says, “Don’t you see that children are God’s best gift? The fruit of the womb his generous legacy? Like a warrior’s fistful of arrows are the children of a vigorous youth. Oh, how blessed are you parents, with your quivers full of children!” MSG Being a parent is a true blessing but it is also the most difficult job that you will ever do.

I truly enjoyed parenting my children as they grew. We went to Disney World when they were 5 and 2. Both of my boys starting playing soccer when they were 4. They played soccer, baseball, football, and roller hockey. It was a busy time but a joyful one as well. I think I was as competitive as they were. As my boys became pre-teens and teens, things started to change. They were growing more independent and starting to make decisions on their own. I thought I had taught them well. We talked about everything and I provided sound instruction to them.

As time passed and they became older, I discovered them starting to make decisions that I didn’t approve of. We sat down and talked about their decisions. I warned them of possible consequences based on my own experiences. Unfortunately, neither of my children were willing to learn from me. They wanted to learn the hard way, through their own experience. All of the sudden I found myself in brand new territory. What I thought would work was no longer working. The children I adored, I started to despise. I found myself in a love/hate relationship with them. I recently heard a sermon at church where the minister discussed love and asked the church, “What is the opposite of love?” My minister described how the opposite of love is not hate. Love and hate are closely related and are very strong emotions that often go together. The opposite of love is not hate, it is apathy. Apathy is not feeling anything, not caring. If you have picked up this book, then I know you love your children. You may also be in a love/hate relationship with your children. That is okay, it is much better to be there, than to feel apathy for your children.

Have you ever stopped and thought about LOVE? What is love? Why is it such a strong emotion? How can it feel so good at times and cause us so much hurt at others? The dictionary defines love as “a feeling of warm personal attachment or deep affection, as for a parent, child, or friend.”

Love is so complex that the one English word is not enough to truly describe all of its facets. In Greek, there are four different words for love: Eros, Philia, Agape, and Storge. Eros is passionate love felt between a man and a woman used to describe romantic love. Philia means friendship in modern day Greek and is characterized by loyalty between friends, family, community and can also be used to express the love for an activity. Agape love means “I love you”. It denotes feelings for one’s child or spouse and is illustrated by a self-sacrificing and giving love to all. Storge means “affection”, like that felt by parents for their offspring.

The love between a parent and their child is an extremely powerful love that encompasses Philia, Agape, and Storge kinds of love. We (with the power of God) created that life. They are our flesh and blood. We have a special bond with them. The love is so strong that we would do anything for our child. As parents, we will do anything to protect them, to keep them from harm, and ensure their safety. Throughout history parents have done incredible things for their children in the name of love. Mothers have been known to have super powers when their child is in a dangerous situation and lift a car, run into a burning building, and leap buildings in a single bound (okay maybe that one is Superman). We may have even lied for our children or defended them even when others have solid accusations against them. We think, there is no way “my child” could do something like that. Some parents have also had to make hard decisions in the name of love. Examples include giving up a child for adoption so they can have a better life than we can provide or turning them into the authorities when they have done something terribly wrong. Love is hard. It is the most incredible feeling in the world. It can also be the most heart wrenching thing in the world, especially when the love we give is not returned to us.

Love is a gift and each of us has a desire to give and receive it, which is why it is so ironic how love can be used and abused. Often times, the people we love the most are the same people that we hurt the most. Doesn’t that seem strange? Why do we as human beings do that? It is because we feel safe with those who love us. We are family. We have something in our brains that tells us, this person will always love me, always be there for me…no matter what I do. For the most part that is true. We put up with more abuse from those we love than we would from friends, co-workers or strangers. Our children know us well. They have been around us their whole lives. They know what buttons to push, how to gain our sympathy, how to irritate us, how to wear us down AND they use it against us.

We often treat people we love in ways that we would never treat others. We accept treatment from those we love that we would never take from others. This is why it is so difficult for us as parents. We love our children. We want them to be happy and successful. We want what is best for them. We want to protect them. Unfortunately, as our children grow up, they make their own decisions. Sometimes they make good decisions and sometimes they make bad ones. We want to protect them from the bad decisions but they won’t let us. Sometimes they need to learn the hard way; not from our wisdom or experience, but from their own.

The Bible teaches us about unconditional love. God has this unconditional love for us. God is faithful to us even when we are not faithful. Unconditional love is very difficult to acquire and to practice in our lives on a daily basis. We get angry with others, feel hurt, feel betrayed, and a mired of other feelings. It is difficult to practice unconditional love especially with our spouses. We have lines, draw boundaries and if someone crosses those lines, it is often the end of the relationship. The strange thing is, that even though we can sometimes do this so easily with a spouse, it is much harder with our children. My heart has been broken and torn apart from things that my child has done. I felt hatred in my heart towards my child at times, but I still love him no matter what. I worry about him. I would give anything to help him. No matter what the cost, if my child needs me, I will be there for him. When we become parents and go through trials with our children, it is easier to understand how God feels about us. The Bible teaches us to hate the sin but love the sinner. Sometimes it can be hard to separate the two.

We have to be careful with our love for our children because it can easily cloud our judgment. Proverbs 10:12 says, “…love covers over all wrongs”, but be careful that you don’t love them so much that you excuse their behavior. Sometimes tough love is what is needed. It is easy to fall into the trap of becoming an enabler. Allowing others to depend on us too much or to take advantage of us does not help them in the end. Instead it prolongs the dependencies and stunts the ability for our children to grow and learn to accept the consequences of their actions.

As parents, we need to set boundaries. Boundaries define what is acceptable and what is not; what is right and what is wrong. Boundaries provide security for our children. They provide a sense of order in what can sometimes be chaos. Sometimes the boundaries work, but there are times that they may not. Picture yourself standing in an open area. You and your children are together and you draw a line in the dirt. At some point, usually when our children are teenagers, they move closer to the line. They may occasionally cross it but then return to the boundary inside the line. Then, as most of you are probably experiencing, you find yourself on one side of the line and your child is on the other. Each time the line is crossed, a new line is drawn. You are choosing your battles; you are beginning to make compromises. You are comparing your child to the world. You are saying in your mind, “Well, it could be worse, he could be doing X”. There is suddenly a new line and then another new line. The line is getting wider and wider and has grown far away from the original line. Storms come and begin digging a deeper rut in the line that has been created. Soon the line is a trench. Eventually, the line is no longer a line but a deep cavern that separates you from your child. It is at this time that you are at a loss. What do I do? How can I get my child to come back across the line to the side that is safe? The place where I can protect my child, see what he or she is doing, and be able to reach them.

It is possible that your child doesn’t want to come back to the safe side inside the line. Over time that gap between you and them grows deeper and wider. Don’t give up hope, there is still a way to reach them. It may take a lot of work and a lot of time, but there is hope. You can build a bridge across the divide. We will talk about this more in chapter 12 where we discuss re-building.

So what do you do when you are filled with love for your child and you find yourself in a place where the love is not returned or your love doesn’t seem like enough? Try one or all of the Sanity Savers listed below.

Sanity Savers:

1.Read the book Boundaries with Teens by Henry Cloud and John Townsend.

2.Love yourself first and foremost.

3.Make your relationship with your loved one about more than just the current issue or problem.

4.Share your love with someone who is receptive to it.

1.Read the book Boundaries by Henry Cloud and John Townsend or Boundaries with Teens

Loving your children does not mean giving them everything they want or need. Sometimes loving them means telling them “No” and not enabling them. Make them accept responsibility for their actions and suffer the consequences.

We cannot always rescue them. Kids need to learn their own lessons and feel pain in order to learn not to repeat the same pattern.

2.Love yourself first and foremost.

Treat yourself with the respect that you deserve. Don’t allow yourself to be treated poorly. We have the ability to decide how we should be treated. Tell others what is acceptable and what is not.

Do something for you. Make sure that you take time to do something that you enjoy and allow yourself time to re-energize. You are no help to anyone if you are worn down and unable to think clearly or function fully.

3.Make your relationship with your loved one about more than just the current issue or problem.

When there is turmoil in a relationship, it is easy to focus on what needs to be fixed, talk about the problems, and remind them what needs to be done or changed. If this is all that you do, it will tear down the relationship and push your loved one away.

Remember the things you love about the person. Go do something fun with them. Spend time laughing, playing, whatever you can think of other than focusing on the problem. This will strengthen the relationship and give both parties a break from what is going on and hopefully be a catalyst to move past the problems.

4.Share your love with someone who is receptive to it.

Find another outlet where you can give love and feel good about what you are doing. Serve at a shelter, babysit for someone, or brighten someone’s day with a note, card, email, or phone call.

The parent/child relationship is very important and is going to require a great deal of patience, love and nurturing. However, by serving others and seeing others in need will help you put things in perspective. Yes, your situation is bad but it can always be worse. This is in no way intended to diminish your pain or your circumstances. It is meant to let you know that you are not alone. Everyone has issues of one kind or another. God intends for us to be united and turn to him in prayer. Trusting God will be your greatest sanity.

Go on a special date with your spouse or hang out with a good friend. Don’t talk about the problems while on the date.