Читать книгу Australian Affairs: Wed - Barbara Hannay - Страница 13
ОглавлениеIT SHOULD HAVE been cosy eating Ellie’s delicious meal in the homestead kitchen to the accompaniment of the steadily falling rain. But Joe had dined in Kabul when a car bomb exploded just outside and he’d felt more relaxed then than he did now with his ex.
It shouldn’t be this way.
All their tensions were supposed to be behind them now. They were no longer man and wife. Their marriage was over, both in reality and on paper. It was like signing a peace treaty. No more disputes. Everything was settled.
They were free. Just friends. No added expectations.
And yet Ellie had barely touched the food she’d taken so much trouble to prepare. Joe supposed she wished he was gone—completely out of her hair.
As long as he hung around this place, they would both be besieged by this edgy awareness of each other that kept them on tenterhooks.
Ellie was meticulously shredding the tender chicken on her plate with her fork. ‘So what are your plans now?’ she asked in the carefully polite tone people used when they were making an effort to maintain a semblance of normality. ‘Are you staying in the Army?’
Joe shook his head. ‘I have a job lined up—with a government team in the Southern Ocean—patrolling for poachers and illegal fishermen.’
‘The Southern Ocean?’ Ellie couldn’t have looked more surprised or upset if he’d announced he was going to mine asteroids in outer space. ‘So...so Jacko won’t see you at all?’
Annoyed by this, Joe shrugged. ‘If you plan to stay out here, it wouldn’t matter what sort of work I did—I still wouldn’t be able to see the boy very often.’
‘There’s an Army base in Townsville.’
This was a surprise. He’d expected Ellie to be pleased that he’d be well away from her. ‘As I said, I’m leaving the Army.’
Ellie’s eyes widened. ‘I thought you loved it. I thought it was supposed to be what you’d always wanted.’
‘It was,’ Joe said simply. For possibly the first time in his life, he’d felt a true sense of belonging with his fellow Commandos. He’d grown up as the youngest in his family, but he’d always been the little nuisance tag-along, hanging around his four older brothers, never quite big enough to keep up, never quite fitting in.
In the Army he’d truly discovered a ‘band of brothers’, united by the challenge and threat of active service. But everything about the Army would be different now, and he couldn’t bear the thought of a desk job.
Ellie dipped her fork into a pile of savoury rice, but she didn’t lift it to her mouth. ‘I can’t see you in a boat, rolling around in the Southern Ocean. You’ve always been a man of the land. You have all the bush skills and knowledge.’
It was true that Joe loved the bush, and he’d especially loved starting his own cattle business here at Karinya. But what was the point of rehashing ancient history?
‘I guess I feel like a change,’ he said with a shrug.
‘When do you have to start this new job?’
‘In a few weeks. Mid-January.’
‘That soon?’
He shrugged again. He was pleased he had an approaching deadline. Given the mess of his private life, he needed a plan, somewhere definite to go with new horizons.
‘Will you mind—’ Ellie began, but then she swallowed and looked away. ‘Will it bother you that you won’t see much of Jacko?’
Joe inhaled a sharp, instinctively protective breath. He was trying really hard not to think too much about his son, about all the milestones he’d already missed and those he would miss in the future—the day-to-day adventure of watching a small human being come to terms with the world. ‘Maybe I’ll be more use to him later on, when he’s older.’
It was clearly the wrong thing to say.
Ellie’s jaw jutted. She looked tenser than ever. Awkward seconds ticked by. Joe wished he didn’t have to try so damn hard, even now, after they’d broken up.
‘What about you?’ he asked. ‘I haven’t asked how you are now. Are you keeping well?’
‘I am well, actually. I think having Jacko has made a big difference, both mentally and physically. I must admit I’m a lot calmer these days. And I think all the hard outdoor work here has paid off as well.’ She touched her stomach. ‘Internally, things...um...seem to have settled down.’
‘That’s fantastic.’ He knew how she’d suffered and he was genuinely pleased for her. ‘So, do you have plans?’
‘How do you mean?’
‘Are you planning to move on from here?’ Joe steeled himself. If there was a new man in her life, this was her chance to say so.
But her jaw dropped so hard Joe almost heard it crack.
‘You’re joking, aren’t you?’
‘Not at all.’
‘You really think I could willingly leave Karinya?’
‘Well, it’s got to be tough for you out here on your own. You need help.’
‘I hire help if I need it—fencing contractors, ringers, jillaroos...’
The relief he felt was ridiculous. He covered it with a casual shrug. ‘I’ve heard it’s hard to find workers these days. Everyone’s heading for the mines.’
‘I’ve managed.’
Joe couldn’t resist prying. ‘I suppose you might have a boyfriend lined up already?’
‘Oh, for pity’s sake.’ Ellie was angry now.
And, although he knew it was foolish, he couldn’t help having one last dig. ‘I thought your mother might have had a victory. What was the name of that guy she picked out for you? The potato farmer near Hay? Orlando?’
‘Roland,’ Ellie said tightly. ‘And he grows all sorts of vegetables—lettuce, pumpkins, tomatoes, corn—much more than potatoes. He’s making a fortune, apparently.’
‘Quite a catch,’ Joe said, more coldly than he’d meant to.
‘Yes, and a gentleman, too.’ Ellie narrowed her eyes at Joe. ‘Do you really want me to give up this lease? Are you worried about the money?’
‘No,’ he snapped tersely. He couldn’t deny he was impressed by Ellie’s tenacity, even if it suggested that she was prepared to work much harder at the cattle business than she had at their marriage. ‘I just think it’s too big a property for a woman to run on her own, especially for a woman with a small child to care for as well.’
‘Nina will be back after Christmas. She’s great with Jacko.’
Joe recognised a brick wall when he ran into it and he let the subject drop. He suspected Ellie was as relieved as he was when the meal was finally over.
* * *
With the aid of night vision goggles, Joe made his way through a remote Afghan village, moving with the stealth of a panther on the prowl. In every dark alley and around every corner the threat of danger lurked and Joe was on high alert, listening for the slightest movement or sound.
As forward scout, his responsibilities weighed heavily. Five Australian soldiers depended on his skills, trusting that he wouldn’t lead them blindly into an ambush.
As he edged around another corner, a sudden crash shattered the silence. Joe’s night vision vanished. He was plunged into darkness.
Adrenaline exploded in his vitals. How had he lost his goggles? Or—hell—had worse happened? Had he been blinded?
He couldn’t even find his damn rifle.
To add to the confusion, a persistent drumming sounded above and around him.
What the hell had happened?
Even more bizarrely, when Joe stepped forward he felt carpet beneath his feet. His bare feet. What was going on? Where was he?
Panic flared. Had he gone raving mad? Where were his boots? His weapon?
Totally disoriented, he blinked, and at last his vision cleared slightly. He could just make out the dimmest of details, and he seemed to be naked apart from boxer shorts and, yes, his feet were bare and they were definitely sinking into soft carpet.
He had absolutely no idea where the hell he was, or how he’d got there.
Then he heard a small child’s cry and his stomach lurched. As a Commando, in close contact with the enemy, his greatest fear was that he might inadvertently bring harm to Afghan children.
It was still difficult to see as he made his way through the pitch-black night, moving towards the child’s cry, bumping into a bookcase.
A bookcase?
A doorway.
Ahead, down a passage, he saw a faint glow—it illuminated painted tongue-and-groove timber walls. Walls that were strangely familiar.
Karinya.
Hell, yeah. Of course.
A soft oath broke from him. He’d woken from a particularly vivid dream and he was back in North Queensland and, while he couldn’t explain the crashing sound, the crying child was...
Jacko.
His son.
Joe’s heart skidded as he scorched into Jacko’s room. In the glow of a night light, he saw the toddler huddled and frightened on the floor in the wreckage of his cot. Without hesitation, Joe dived and swept the boy into his arms.
Jacko was shaking but, in Joe’s arms, he nestled against his bare chest, a warm ball sobbing, seeking protection and clearly trusting Joe to provide it.
‘Shh.’ Joe pressed his lips to the boy’s soft hair and caught the amazing smell of shampoo, probably baby shampoo. ‘You’re OK. I’ve got you.’
I’m your father.
The boy felt so little and warm in Joe’s arms. And so scared. A fierce wave of emotion came sweeping through Joe—a surge of painful yearning—an urge to protect this warm, precious miniature man, to keep him safe at all costs.
‘I’ve got you, little mate,’ he murmured. ‘You’re OK.’ And then he added in a soft, tentative whisper, ‘I’m your dad. I love you, Jacko.’ The words felt both alien and wonderful. And true.
‘What happened?’ Ellie’s voice demanded from the doorway. ‘I heard a crash.’
Joe turned and saw her in the dimmed light, wearing a white nightdress with tiny straps, her dark hair tumbling in soft waves about her smooth, bare shoulders. She looked beautiful beyond words and Joe’s heart almost stopped.
‘What happened?’ she asked again, coming forward. ‘Is Jacko all right?’
‘I think he’s fine, but he got a bad fright. Looks like his cot’s collapsed.’
Jacko had seen Ellie now and he lurched away from Joe, throwing out his arms and wailing, ‘Mummy!’
Joe tried not to mind that his Great Three Seconds of Fatherhood were over in a blink, or that Jacko, now safely in Ellie’s arms, looked back at him as if he were a stranger.
Ellie was staring at Joe too—staring with wide, almost popping eyes at his bare chest and at the scars on his shoulder. Joe hoped her gaze wouldn’t drop to his shorts or they’d both be embarrassed.
Abruptly, he turned, forcing his attention to the collapsed cot. It was a simple timber construction with panels of railings threaded on a metal rod and screwed into place with wing nuts. Nothing had actually broken. It seemed the thing had simply come apart.
‘Looks like the wing nuts in the corners worked loose,’ he said.
‘Oh, Lord.’ Ellie stepped forward with the boy on her hip. ‘Jacko was playing with those wing nuts the other day. He was trying to undo them, but I didn’t think he had a hope.’
‘Well, I’d say he was successful. He must have strong little fingers.’
Ellie looked at her son in disbelief and then she shook her head and gave a wry smile, her dark eyes suddenly sparkling. Joe so wished she wouldn’t smile like that, not when she was standing so close to him in an almost see-through nightdress.
‘You’re a little monkey, Jacko,’ she told the boy affectionately. Then, more businesslike, she turned to Joe. ‘I guess it shouldn’t be too hard to fix?’
‘Piece of cake.’ He picked up one of the panels. ‘A pair of pliers would be handy. The nuts need to be tight enough to stop him from doing it again.’
Ellie nodded. ‘I think I have a spare pair of pliers in the laundry, but don’t worry about it now. I’ll take Jacko back to my room. He can sleep with me for the rest of the night.’
Lucky Jacko.
From the doorway, she turned and frowned back at Joe. ‘Do you need anything? A hot drink or something to help you get back to sleep?’
She must have seen the expression on his face. She quickly dropped her gaze. ‘I keep forgetting. You’re a tough soldier. You can sleep on a pile of rocks.’
With Jacko in her arms, she hurried away, the white nightdress whispering around her smooth, shapely calves.
Joe knew he wouldn’t be sleeping.
* * *
Jacko settled quickly. He was like a little teddy bear as he snuggled close to Ellie and in no time he was asleep again. She adored her little miracle boy, and she relished this excuse to lie still and hold him, loving the way he nestled close.
Lying in the darkness, she inhaled the scent of his clean hair and listened to the soft rhythm of his breathing.
His perfection constantly amazed her.
But, tonight, it wasn’t long before she was thinking about Joe and, in a matter of moments, she felt a pain in her chest like indigestion, and then her throat was tense and aching, choked.
She kept seeing Joe’s signature on that piece of paper.
And now he was about to head off for the Southern Ocean. Surely, if he wanted adventure, he could have caught wild bulls or rogue crocodiles, or found half a dozen other dangerous activities that were closer to home?
Instead, once again, he was getting as far away from her as possible, risking his life in stormy seas and chasing international poachers, for pity’s sake.
Unhelpfully, Ellie recalled how eye-wateringly amazing Joe had looked just now, standing bare-chested in Jacko’s room. With the little boy in his arms, he’d looked so incredibly strong and muscular and protective.
Man, he was buffed.
He’d always been fit and athletic, of course, which was one of the reasons the Army had snapped him up, but now, after all the extra training and discipline, her ex-husband looked sensational.
Her ex.
The word hit her like a slug to the heart. Which was crazy. I don’t want him back. Looks aren’t everything. They’re just a distraction.
Tonight, it was all too easy to forget the pain she and Joe had been through, the constant bickering and soul-destroying negativity, the tears and the yelling. The sad truth was—the final year before their separation had been pretty close to hell on earth.
Unhappily, Ellie knew that a large chunk of the tension had been her fault. During that bleak time when she’d been so overwhelmed by her inability to get pregnant again, she’d really turned on Joe until everything he’d done had annoyed her.
Looking back, she felt so guilty. She’d been a shrew—constantly picking on Joe for the smallest things, even the way he left clothes lying around, or the way he left the lid off the toothpaste, the way he’d assumed she was happy to look after the house and the garden while he swanned off, riding his horse all over their property, enjoying all the adventurous, more important outdoor jobs, while she was left to cook and clean.
Ellie hadn’t been proud of her nagging and fault-finding. As a child, she’d hated the way her mother picked on her dad all the time, and she’d been shocked to find herself repeating that despicable pattern. But she’d become so tense and depressed she hadn’t been able to stop herself.
Naturally, Joe hadn’t accepted her insults meekly. He’d slung back as good as he got. But she’d been devastated when he finally suggested divorce.
‘It’s clear that I’m making you unhappy,’ he’d said in a cold, clipped voice she’d never heard before.
And how could Ellie deny it? She had been unhappy, and she’d taken her unhappiness out on Joe, but that hadn’t meant she wanted to be rid of him.
‘Do you really want a divorce?’ she’d asked him and, although she’d been crying on the inside, for the sake of her pride, she’d kept a brave face.
‘I think it’s the only solution,’ Joe had said. ‘We can’t go on like this. Maybe you’ll have better luck with another guy.’
She didn’t want another man, but why would Joe believe that when she’d been so obviously miserable?
‘What would you do?’ she’d asked instead. ‘Where would you go? What would we do about Karinya?’
He’d been scarily cool and detached. ‘You can make up your mind about Karinya, but I’ll apply to join the Army.’
She hadn’t known how to fight this. ‘The Army was what you wanted all along, wasn’t it? It was what you were planning before we met.’
Joe didn’t deny this.
It was then she’d known the awful truth. Falling for her had been an aberration. A distraction.
If she hadn’t been pregnant, they wouldn’t have married...
The bitter memories wrung a groan from Ellie and, beside her in the darkness, Jacko stirred, throwing out an arm and smacking her on the nose. He didn’t wake up and she rolled away, staring moodily into the black night, thinking about Joe lying in his swag on the study floor. He’d insisted on sleeping there rather than in Nina’s room.
‘It’s only for one night,’ he’d said. ‘Not worth disturbing her things.’
Ellie wondered if Joe was asleep, or whether he was also lying there thinking about their past.
Unlikely.
No doubt he was relieved to be finally and permanently free of her. He certainly wouldn’t be as mixed-up and tied in knots as she was.
* * *
Joe didn’t want to think about Ellie. She was part of his past, just as the Army was now. Every time visions of her white nightdress arrived, he forcibly erased them.
He’d signed the final papers.
Ellie. Was. No. Longer. His. Wife.
And yet...
Annoyingly, he felt a weight that felt like grief pressing on his chest. Grief for their loss, and for their failure, for their past mistakes and for how things used to be at the beginning.
And, despite his best efforts, he couldn’t stop the blasted memories.
He’d been a goner from the moment he first saw Ellie, which was pretty bizarre, given that his first sighting had been at long distance.
Ellie had been walking with her back to him at the far end of their tiny town’s one and only shopping street. And, from the start, there’d been something inescapably alluring about her. The glossy swing of her dark hair and the jaunty sway of her neat butt in long-legged blue jeans had completely captured his attention.
Of course, it was totally the worst time for Joe to become romantically entangled. He’d been on the brink of joining the Army. After struggling unsuccessfully to find his place in the large Madden family, overrun with strapping sons, he’d been lured by the military’s promise of adventure and danger.
So, on that day that was etched forever in his memory, he should have been able to ignore Ellie’s attractions. He should have finished his errands in town and headed back to their cattle property. And perhaps he would have done that if Jerry Bray hadn’t chosen that exact moment to step out of the stock and station agency to speak to Ellie.
Jealousy was a strange and fierce emotion, Joe swiftly discovered. He hadn’t even met this girl, hadn’t yet seen her front-on, hadn’t discovered the bewitching sparkle in her eyes. And yet he was furious with Jerry for chatting her up.
To Joe’s huge relief, Jerry’s boss interrupted his employee’s clumsy attempts at flirtation and called him back inside.
Alone once more, Ellie continued on to the Bluebird Café, and this was a golden opportunity Joe couldn’t let pass.
After a carefully calculated interval, he followed her into the café, found her sitting alone at one of the tables, drinking a milkshake and engrossed in a women’s magazine.
She looked up when he walked in and Joe saw her face for the first time. Saw her eyes, the same lustrous dark brown as her hair, saw her finely arched eyebrows, her soft pale skin, the sweet curve of her mouth, her neat chin. She was even lovelier than he’d imagined.
And then she smiled.
And zap. Joe was struck by the proverbial lightning flash. His skin was on fire, his heart was a skyrocket.
‘So what d’ya want?’ asked Bob Browne, the café’s proprietor.
Joe stared at him blankly, unable, for a moment, to think. It was as if his mind had been wiped clean by the dark-eyed girl’s smile.
Bob gave a knowing smirk and rolled his eyes. ‘She’s not on the menu.’
Ignoring this warning, Joe shrugged and ordered a hamburger and a soft drink. Unable to help himself, he crossed the café to the girl’s table. ‘Hi,’ he said.
‘Hello.’ This time, when she smiled, he saw the most fetching dimple.
‘You must be new around here. I don’t think we’ve met. I’m Joe Madden.’
‘Ellie Saxby,’ she supplied without hesitation.
Ellie Saxby. Ellie. Had there ever been a more delightful name?
‘Are you staying around here?’ he asked super-casually.
‘I’m working for the Ashtons. As a jillaroo.’
Better and better.
There was a spare chair at Ellie Saxby’s table. ‘OK if I sit here?’ Joe was again carefully, casually polite.
Ellie rewarded him with another dazzling smile. ‘Sure.’
Her eyes were shining, her cheeks flushed. The atmosphere was so electric, Joe felt as if he was walking on clouds.
And yet there was nothing remarkable about that first conversation. Joe was too dazed to think of anything very clever to say. But he and Ellie chatted easily about where they lived and why they’d come to town.
By the time his hamburger arrived, he was halfway in love with Ellie and she was giving out all the right signals. They left the café together and Joe walked with her to her vehicle.
They exchanged phone numbers and Ellie remained standing beside her car, as if she wasn’t ready to drive away.
She looked so alluring, with her sparkling eyes and shiny hair, her soft skin and pretty mouth.
Joe had never been particularly forward with girls, but he found himself saying, ‘Look, I know we’ve just met, and this out of line, but I really need to—’
He didn’t even finish the sentence. He simply leaned in and kissed her. Ellie tasted as fresh as spring and, to his amazed relief, she returned his kiss with just the right level of enthusiasm, and a simple hello, exploratory kiss became the most thrilling, most electrifying kiss ever.
It was the start of a whirlwind romance. Before the week was out, he and Ellie had found an excuse to meet again and, within the first month, they drove together to Rockhampton for dinner and a movie, followed by a night in a motel, which proved to be a night of blazing, out of this world passion.
When Ellie discovered she was pregnant, Joe had to make a quick decision. Ellie or the Army?
No contest.
In a blinding flash of clarity, he knew without question that his plan to join the Army had been a crazy idea. In Ellie he’d found his true reason for being. He asked her to marry him and, to his delight, she readily agreed.
The ink on their marriage certificate was barely dry before they headed north in search of their very own cattle property and the start of their bright new happy-ever-after.
When Ellie miscarried three weeks after they’d moved into Karinya, they’d been deeply disappointed but, in the long run, not too downhearted. After all, they were young and healthy and strong and in love.
But it was the start of a downhill run. A diagnosis of endometriosis had followed. Joe had never even heard of this condition, let alone understood how it could blight such a fit and healthy girl. Ellie was vivacious, bursting with energy and life and yet, over the next few years, she was slowly dragged down.
He remembered finding her slumped over the kitchen table, her face streaked with tears.
He’d touched her gently on the shoulder, stroked her hair. ‘Don’t let it get you down, Ellie. It’ll be OK. We’ll be OK.’
We still have each other, he’d wanted to say.
But she’d whirled on him, her face red with fury. ‘How can you say that? How can you possibly know we’ll be OK? I’m sorry, Joe, but that’s just a whitewash, and it makes me so mad!’
She’d lost all hope, had no faith in him or their future.
He’d felt helpless.
Now, with hindsight, he could see the full picture. He and Ellie had rushed at marriage like lemmings to a cliff, expecting to build a lasting relationship—for richer or poorer, in sickness and in health—having based these expectations on little more than blazing lust.
It was his fault.
Joe had always known that. Looking back, it was blindingly obvious that he hadn’t courted Ellie properly. They hadn’t taken anywhere near enough time to get to know each other as friends before they became life partners. They hadn’t even fully explored their hopes and dreams before they’d embarked on marriage.
They’d simply been lovers, possessed by passion, a heady kind of madness. And Ellie had found herself trapped by that first pregnancy.
Small wonder their marriage had hit the rocks as soon as the seas got rough and, instead of offering Ellie comfort, Joe had taken refuge, working long hard hours in Karinya’s paddocks—fencing, building dams, mustering and branding cattle. Later he’d joined the Army. Had that been a kind of refuge as well?
Whatever. It was too late for an extensive post-mortem. Tomorrow he’d be leaving again and Ellie would finally be free. He wished he felt better about that.
