Читать книгу Forever Her Hero - Belle Calhoune - Страница 11

Chapter Two

Fifteen minutes later they were all back inside the house. The twins were peppering him with questions about living in Africa and his coast guard mission. He’d already played a game of Uno with them, as well as one round of Scrabble and three rounds of hide-and-seek. As it neared dinnertime, they begged him to stay for dinner, oblivious of the fact that their mother didn’t seem inclined to issue an invitation. With no shame, the twins took matters into their own hands.

“Mommy, can Uncle Sawyer stay for dinner?” Dolly asked, her hands crossed prayerfully in front of her.

“Can he? That would be so cool,” Casey added. “He can tell us more about Africa.”

“Please, please,” they pleaded in unison.

Ava looked at the twins and nodded, a smile beginning to form at the corners of her mouth. Suddenly, she looked the way she used to, before her world had turned upside down.

Casey shouted, “Yes!” and high-fived his sister. Sawyer was slightly amazed at his quick turnaround. An hour earlier Casey had been angrier than a hornet. Now, secure in the knowledge that his uncle Sawyer was sticking around, he was content.

He wished he could say the same about Casey’s mother. Despite her smile, Ava’s body language told a different story. She seemed tense and on edge. He had the feeling it had everything to do with his presence. When the kids scampered off to pick up their room before dinner, he moved toward the kitchen where Ava was cutting up vegetables for a salad.

“Anything I can do to help?” he offered. The silence between them was beginning to be uncomfortable. The beauty of their relationship had always rested in the easy flow of their conversations and the natural rhythms of their discussions. Ever since he could remember, Ava had been his sounding board, the one person he could always talk to about anything and everything. But something had shifted between them. Ever since he arrived at the house, he’d been itching to fill the empty space lying between them with conversation.

“No, I’ve got it. I’m just making a garden salad with some chicken stir-fry and jasmine rice.” She didn’t even bother to look up at him from her dinner preparations.

“You cut off all your hair.” The words tumbled out of his mouth. For as long as he’d known Ava, her hair had trailed down her back. Now it was a sleek, shoulder-length bob. He stared at her, deciding that the short style suited her delicate features.

“It was too much of a hassle,” she explained, wrinkling her nose. “With the kids in kindergarten now, I have to be out of the house by seven forty-five in order to make it to their school on time. We really hustle in the morning.”

The thought of Ava and the kids bustling around the house in the morning tugged at his heart something fierce. Ever since Billy’s death, she’d valiantly raised the twins and shouldered them through the mourning process. She’d stuffed down her own grief in order to help Casey and Dolly deal with their own fear and pain. According to his aunt Nancy, some nights Ava crumpled her body into their small twin beds and held them in her arms, determined to be there when the nightmares came. From what he’d witnessed firsthand, Ava Trask was an amazing mother.

“You never were a morning person, even when we were kids,” Sawyer teased, wanting to see Ava let loose and relax. She seemed so tense, so ill at ease. He wasn’t sure if it was because of everything she’d been through or because of him.

“When you become a parent you don’t really have a choice,” she explained. “You just have to learn how to adapt, otherwise the kids would be late for school every day and I’d never get anything done around here.”

“If you don’t mind my saying so, you seem less than thrilled about my moving next door,” Sawyer said with a grimace.

She was standing at the kitchen counter dicing green peppers, onions and carrots. Every time the knife hit the cutting block, he winced. She seemed to be on edge and had been avoiding eye contact with him. The vegetables seemed to be taking a beating.

Ava shrugged. “Sawyer, the kids are over the moon about it, so I’m thankful for their sakes.”

“But not your own?” He studied her expression carefully, picking up on her reservations by her pursed lips and the awkward tilt of her head.

She sighed. “I didn’t say that. It’s just that we haven’t seen you for a year, and then you turn up on the beach having just bought the lighthouse next door.” She let out a shaky laugh. “You have to admit, it’s a little unexpected.”

“Ava, you know how I feel about Mr. P’s lighthouse. I’ve loved it since the first time I saw it.” He studied her expression, wondering if she remembered all the times Mr. P had invited them over to his lighthouse when they were kids. He’d been amazing to them, as generous and kind as one could imagine. Between playing pirate, teaching them to catch crabs and watching old movies with them, he’d played the role of grandfather in their lives. He’d taught Sawyer what it meant to be part of a community and how to establish bonds that lasted a lifetime.

“Is it odd to want to help out my family?”

“No, not at all.” She let out a sigh. “But I don’t want to rely on someone who—”

“Who bailed on you?” he said in a gruff tone. “Just say it.”

She finally looked straight at him. “What the twins need most of all is consistency. I’m not trying to make you feel bad, but when you left it took us a long time to get back to normal.”

As they locked gazes, tension crackled in the air between them. Ava looked away, focusing instead on the cutting board. “After Billy died, you were our rock. You did so much for us. No matter what, I’ll always be grateful for that.” Midway through, her voice became husky with emotion. “Other than my sisters, you were there for us like nobody else.”

“Why is it so hard to look at me, Ava? Are you still that angry at me?” he asked in a gentle voice. “Am I still unforgiven?”

She looked at him, her hazel eyes brimming with emotion. She slammed her palm down on the counter. Her graceful hands were shaking. “Why? Because the last time the two of us were alone together you kissed me. And the very next day you were packing for Africa, as if you couldn’t wait to get as far away from me as humanly possible. And for the past year I’ve been blaming myself for my kids losing yet another person they love.”

* * *

Did she really just bring up that ill-fated kiss? That sweet, tender kiss he’d been trying to forget for a whole year?

Although the kiss had been at the forefront of his mind ever since he’d left for Africa, he’d never expected Ava to mention it. It was a sore subject for him. He felt as if he’d crossed a line by kissing her, and he’d been second-guessing himself ever since. For so long now he’d thought of her as Billy’s wife, as far out of reach as a constellation in the sky. His feelings had always been under the radar until that life-altering moment when he’d acted on impulse and pressed his lips against hers. And because she’d still been knee-deep in mourning, he’d never wanted Ava to think he was trying to take advantage of a grief-stricken widow. Their twenty-five-year friendship meant too much to him to risk losing.

“That kiss was impulsive,” he admitted, choosing his words carefully. “We’d been spending so much time together, day in, day out. We were both grieving for Billy.” He shrugged. “It should never have happened.”

“Was it why you left?” she asked. Her eyes were beseeching him to be straight with her. “Please, be honest with me. I feel like everything shifted between us after that night. And then you were gone. I lost my best friend.” There was so much vulnerability in her voice. It made him want to reach out to her, to put his arms around her and shelter her from all her doubts. But he couldn’t do that, no matter how much he wanted to hold her. There were still too many things he’d never come clean about.

“No, Ava. It wasn’t the reason I left. The mission in Sierra Leone was a lot more important than a random kiss. Please don’t blame yourself.” As far as the truth was concerned, he hadn’t told her any lies. The kiss hadn’t been the sole reason he’d accepted the Africa assignment. There had been other factors, things he didn’t want to lay at her feet. He knew he was minimizing the kiss, but he couldn’t admit to Ava what it had meant to him. If he did, nothing between them would ever be the same. The last thing he wanted to do was complicate her life, to make her grieving process any more difficult. As it was, their friendship seemed to be hanging on by a thread.

“And for the record, you could never lose me. Not in a million years.” He felt a warmth spreading in his chest as his own sentiments rolled over him. She meant the world to him. How could she not know that? Had his overseas mission caused her to doubt what they’d always meant to each other? Ava’s face tensed up for a second, and then she seemed to relax. He watched as she let out a deep sigh.

Dear Lord, forgive me for bending the truth about the kiss. The last thing I want to do is hurt Ava, to put her on the spot by telling her that after our kiss I needed to get as far away from her as possible. Because the truth is I was starting to fall head over heels for my cousin’s widow, and I couldn’t handle the guilt. So I did the only thing that made sense at the time. I put a world of distance between us.

He’d learned a year ago that pushing for something more with Ava was unfair. His feelings for her had always been deep and powerful, ever since they were kids. Although they’d been best buddies growing up, deep down he’d always felt something special between them. When he’d left Cape Cod to attend the Coast Guard Academy and she’d started dating Billy, it had been a harsh blow to recover from. He’d kept quiet, though, never letting Ava know he was hurt and jealous. In his mind she would forever be the one who’d gotten away. Many times he’d asked God to grant him the grace to accept that Ava had chosen Billy as her life partner. Many times he’d knelt before God and prayed for his feelings to disappear. And for many years he’d believed that what he felt for Ava was buried so deep down that no one ever suspected a thing. Until that terrible night when Billy had called him out and accused him of wanting Ava for himself. Until tragedy had altered all of their lives.

“So, we’re good?” Ava asked, a slight frown furrowing her brow.

He reached across the butcher block counter and reached for her hand. Her hand was soft and supple, radiating warmth. It felt so good to be touching her, connecting with her. He couldn’t even put into words how much he’d missed her. “We’re good,” he said with a nod. “Better than good.”

The noisy clatter of the children heralded their arrival in the kitchen. Sawyer quickly pulled his hand away, and Ava placed her hands on the counter. “Three minutes to dinner,” she announced in a breathy voice. “Why don’t the two of you head to the sink and wash up?”

Dolly looked up at him. “Don’t you have to get washed up, too? Kids aren’t the only ones with germy hands.”

Sawyer let loose with a hearty chuckle. He’d missed the twins’ blunt outlook on life. He’d missed being able to laugh out loud. There hadn’t been much to laugh about in Sierra Leone, although he’d bonded with the local children and learned a lot about their culture. Although a coast guard presence in the region had been crucial, it had been a personal hardship to be over there for such a long time.

“I won’t give you any argument about that, Miss Dolly,” he answered. “Ladies first.” He bent over and waved his hand in the air as if she were royalty. Dolly raced by him toward the kitchen sink, followed closely by Casey. He joined them, passing by their refrigerator decorated with artwork and family photos. A heart-shaped magnet said God Bless This Home. When he spotted a photo of himself standing next to Billy, both of them holding a twin in their arms, he found himself getting choked up. He remembered the moment vividly. It was the day of their baptism, and as honorary uncle to both of the twins, he’d proudly posed for a picture with his cousin.

“If anything happens to me, I want you to watch over Casey and Dolly. You’re the closest thing to a brother I have, and I want my kids to know you as Uncle Sawyer.” Billy’s words came flooding back to him. Guilt seized him by the throat. He’d let Billy down. He hadn’t watched over the twins. Not for the past year anyway. He’d been too busy running away—from his feelings, from his guilt, from his pain, from that unforgettable kiss. The memory of Billy’s words had been part of the reason he’d come back earlier than planned. He had a responsibility to the twins, not only as their honorary uncle, but because of the heartfelt wish Billy had expressed to him on that day.

And no matter what happened from this point forward, he was going to uphold his promise, even though it would place him in direct contact with Ava.

* * *

As they settled in around the dinner table, Ava had to admit to herself that she felt happier than she had in quite some time. Seeing the kids so overjoyed about Sawyer’s return made her feel grateful. And if she was being honest, she had to admit she felt some stirrings within her own soul. For so long now she’d felt a little frozen, as if nothing could penetrate the shield she’d placed around her heart. Even though she was a bit embarrassed about lashing out at Sawyer, at least she’d felt a strong emotion. At least she’d felt something other than numbness. For the first time in a long while, she felt alive.

No matter what issues stood between them, she was thankful Sawyer had made it back safe and sound. From the little she knew about Sierra Leone, it was a dangerous place. Civil wars, violence and disease were an everyday part of life there. Although she knew the coast guard had important missions to conduct, she was relieved Sawyer would be out of the line of fire. The thought of losing another person she loved was too painful to even consider. She didn’t want to think about Sawyer being gone from her world. Especially since he’d just come back to them.

“Who wants to say grace?” Sawyer asked. He looked around the table, going from one face to the next. The twins looked at each other with a baffled expression and shrugged their shoulders.

Her cheeks flushed with embarrassment. “We don’t always say grace,” she admitted. “We’ve gotten out of the habit.”

Sawyer looked taken aback for a moment, but he quickly recovered as he extended his hands to the twins, who were seated on either side of him. She reached out and clasped hands with Casey and Dolly so that they formed a circle of four. She bowed her head, hoping Sawyer would take the lead and say Grace. Although she knew the words by heart, she was afraid she would stumble over the blessing.

“Dear Lord,” Sawyer began in a strong, steady voice, “we offer thanks for this wonderful meal, lovingly prepared by Ava. We thank you for the abundant gifts you bestow on us each and every day. Thank you for watching over this family and for guiding me safely back home where I belong. Amen.”

“Amen,” she said in unison with the children. Hearing Sawyer’s blessing caused a warm heat to spread through her chest. It meant the world to her that she and the kids were in his thoughts and prayers. Somehow it made her feel safe and protected. It had been a long time since she’d felt that way.

They all dug into the stir-fry, enjoying a companionable silence as they ate. Having Sawyer sit down to a meal with her family seemed to be a big hit with the twins. Neither of them could take their eyes off him. He was the main attraction. It was amazing how quickly they’d taken him back into their hearts, considering the length of time he’d been away. There was no trace of Casey’s earlier resentment. Resilience. Kids were known for being able to bounce back, weren’t they? Sometimes she forgot that their little hearts were stronger than she could ever imagine.

“Uncle Sawyer,” Dolly said in a garbled voice. “Are you coming to the wedding?”

“Dolly, it might be more polite to talk without the food in your mouth,” Ava cautioned. Her daughter’s cheeks were stuffed to the brim, causing her to resemble a squirrel storing acorns.

Dolly’s eyes got big, and she made a dramatic effort at swallowing her food. She then reached for her glass of water and took a few sips. “Uncle Sawyer,” she repeated. “Are you coming to the wedding?”

Sawyer’s lips twitched with amusement. “Cousin Melanie’s wedding?” Dolly nodded her head enthusiastically. Growing up in a sea of boy cousins, Melanie had always occupied a special place in all of their hearts. Sawyer treated Dolly to a full-fledged smile. “I wouldn’t miss it for the world, even though I just heard about it yesterday.” He frowned. “Who’s this guy she’s fallen so madly in love with?”

“His name is Doug, and he’s awesome,” Casey raved, his brown eyes glittering with excitement. “He’s got a motorcycle and everything.”

“I get to be a flower girl,” Dolly shouted. “And I have a pretty new dress to wear.”

Casey stuck his lip out. “And I get to be the ring boy.”

Dolly snorted with laughter and covered her mouth with her hand. “It’s ring bearer, Casey,” she sputtered. Casey shot her a dirty look and jabbed her in the side. Dolly retaliated, beginning a back-and-forth war that threatened to get out of control. Ava wondered if her face betrayed her exasperation. Lately, more times than not, Casey and Dolly couldn’t get through a meal without invading each other’s personal space and getting on one another’s nerves, as well as her own.

“Who wants to hear a story about your mom when she was around your age?” Sawyer asked smoothly, diverting the kids’ attention from their squabble. Casey and Dolly jumped on the opportunity, and, in the process, forgot all about their feud. Ava was slightly in awe. Sawyer had serious skills. He’d thrown the question out there like a perfectly aimed pitch. The kids had never even seen it coming. They were sitting quietly, waiting expectantly for the story to begin.

“Well, when I moved to Buzzards Bay, I didn’t have a single friend in my class.” He looked back and forth between the twins. “Rough, huh?”

“Not a single one?” Dolly asked, her eyes wide with concern. “What about my daddy?”

He shook his head. “Nope. Your dad was a few grades above me, so I was pretty much on my own.”

“I would have been your friend,” Casey piped up, shooting Sawyer a doting smile.

Sawyer reached out and patted Casey on the shoulder. “I’m sure you would have.”

Even though Ava knew what was coming next, she found herself listening to Sawyer with rapt attention. It was entertaining to see the expectant looks on the children’s faces and to hear the details of their first meeting roll off Sawyer’s tongue like quicksilver.

“On the first day of school I forgot my lunch at home,” Sawyer continued. He wiggled his eyebrows dramatically. “Can you imagine? There I was, in the lunchroom with no one to sit with and no homemade lunch to dig into. I didn’t even have a juice box.”

Casey and Dolly turned toward each other, their eyes as wide as saucers. In their lives, juice boxes were as routine as the sun rising in the morning.

“I looked all around the cafeteria until I found the perfect lunch table to sit at. Problem was, everyone else was eating their lunches. I was so embarrassed I could barely lift my head up to make eye contact as I slid onto the bench. For a few minutes I just sat there, wishing I could disappear. All of a sudden this little hand reached across the table and handed me half of her sandwich. Peanut butter and jelly never tasted quite so good.”

“Was that you, Mama?” Dolly asked, her eyes full of wonder.

“Yep. It was me,” Ava acknowledged. “And I also gave him a cookie and half of my pretzels.”

The poignant memory washed over her like a light rain, and for a moment she was transported back in time to Buzzards Bay Elementary and sitting across the lunch table from a pint-size Sawyer. The grateful smile he’d given her after she’d offered him the sandwich had quickly wormed its way straight into her heart. And he’d been there ever since, engraved there like a permanent tattoo.

Sawyer winked at her, almost as if he could read her mind. “And from that moment on we were best friends. We did everything together...we built forts in the woods, swam out to the buoys at Kalmus Beach, had water balloon fights, took ferry rides over to Woods Hole.”

“We keep asking to take a boat ride in one of the boats by the harbor, but Mommy says we can’t,” Casey added, casting an unhappy look in her direction. “She thinks something might happen to us.” His eyes were hot with displeasure and a hint of rebelliousness.

Ava felt the heat of Sawyer’s gaze, but she didn’t look over at him. As a man who made his living by enforcing maritime law, he might find it difficult to understand her fears. For Sawyer, being out on the water was as natural as breathing. Casey was right. The thought of her kids being out on the water scared her to death. Some might call it an irrational fear, but it was rooted in that awful night two years ago when her husband hadn’t come home.

“Why don’t the two of you clear the table and feed Tully?” Ava asked. “Then I’ll slice up some apple pie for dessert.” The mention of dessert sweetened the deal, causing the kids to quickly get up from their seats and begin clearing the dinner plates.

“It’ll be nice to have all the family together to celebrate a happy occasion,” Ava said as soon as the kids were out of earshot. “Too many times we’ve gathered for sad ones.” Truthfully, she had mixed feelings about attending a wedding in the same church where she’d married Billy. It would dredge up a lot of bittersweet memories, she realized. She felt a stab of guilt as she remembered all the times she’d seen happily-in-love couples over the past two years. Whether they were holding hands on the beach or grocery shopping at the market, she’d envied them their bliss. It had been that way between Billy and her, hadn’t it? Before all the drinking and the stormy fights, the recriminations and the promises. Hadn’t people looked at them and thought how blessed they were to have found each other? Hadn’t she once believed they were golden?

“You’re right,” Sawyer said with a nod. “Our families have had our fair share of loss. It’s been a rough couple of years.” He crinkled his nose. “Even so, I’m a firm believer that we’re always surrounded by blessings. Sometimes we just have to look closely to find them.”

Blessings. Sawyer was right. Despite everything, there was so much in her life to be thankful about. The twins. Her home by the sea. Her family. Sawyer. “How do you do it?” she asked with a grateful sigh. “You always manage to put things into such beautiful perspective.”

He shrugged, his expression thoughtful. “I just spent a year watching kids kick empty soda cans around instead of soccer balls. And guess what? They were joyful about it. Amid poverty and destruction, those kids were able to see the good things in their world.”

The soft shuffling of little feet and the noisy squeak of a floorboard heralded the arrival of the twins. Casey stood a few feet away from the table, a huge grin almost overtaking his small, round face. Dolly stood two steps behind him, none too subtly nudging him forward and whispering in his ear. Sawyer beckoned them closer with a wave of his hand. “Come on. I can see the two of you have something to say.”

“Dolly and I thought maybe we could visit you at the Coast Guard Station one day. We promise to be on our best behavior.” The worshipful expression in Casey’s eyes as he looked up at Sawyer caused her to suck in a shallow breath. The raw need in his voice almost knocked the wind out of her. It sneaked up on her during quiet moments like this when she saw the hopes and dreams of her children put on full display. Her son so needed a father figure in his life, someone who could keep up with his rough-and-tumble ways. Someone he could model himself after. Gratitude toward Sawyer for being here with them flooded through her.

“We promise not to get in the way,” Dolly piped up. Her hands were crossed tightly in front of her. Her hazel eyes radiated hopefulness. And pleading. Ava clucked to herself, knowing Sawyer was no match against the dynamic duo.

“I think that can be arranged,” he said with a pearl-toothed smile. He shot a glance in her direction. “As long as it’s all right with your mom.”

Dolly and Casey shifted their gaze toward her. She quickly nodded, signaling her approval. The twins began dancing around the room in celebratory fashion. Within seconds they were racing out of the room to feed the dog, their voices raised in triumph. She let out a chuckle and playfully looked at her watch. “Hmm. Less than two hours in their presence, and you’re already caving in to their wishes. At this rate they’re going to have you wrapped around their little fingers in no time.”

“I want the twins to be happy,” he said with a poignant smile. “And I want that for you, too, Ava.”

She swallowed past the huge lump in her throat. “I am happy. Most of the time. Until I think about Billy,” she said in a quiet voice. “It’s a terrible thing to have to always think about the way he died and not be able to celebrate the way he lived his life. I still can’t wrap my head around being a widow before I’ve even turned thirty.”

Sawyer reached out and grazed his knuckles across her cheek, his eyes full of compassion. And understanding. Sawyer knew her so well. He always had. For most of her life he’d been her soft place to fall, the one person she ran to when the bottom fell out of her world. But that had changed when she’d married Billy. Neither one of them had felt comfortable with that type of closeness once she became Mrs. Billy Trask. She’d always been well aware of the fact that Billy was jealous of her relationship with Sawyer. Having such a tight bond with him had made her feel disloyal. In the end she’d pulled away from him, breaking her own heart a little in the process.

And now, once again, she felt traitorous. To Billy. To their children. Yet it felt so nice to be connecting with Sawyer, to enjoy his warm palm against her cheek. To feel as if there was someone who knew her better than she knew herself. It felt too good. She didn’t deserve comfort or sympathy. She’d failed Billy in the biggest way possible. As a wife, as a friend and as a mother of his children. Not even Sawyer knew the extent of her failures as a wife. He had no idea that she’d been complicit in her husband’s death. She could only imagine his disgust if he knew how she’d nagged at Billy until he’d left their home the night of his accident. If not for that, her husband would still be alive.

She abruptly pulled away from Sawyer, immediately feeling the loss of his touch. She smoothed her hair back and looked away from his probing gaze, trying to appear calm despite the turbulent emotions she was battling. Ever since that tantalizing kiss with Sawyer she’d had to remind herself that it wasn’t wise to risk their friendship over tender kisses and comforting caresses. She couldn’t run the risk of losing him all over again. It had gutted her when he left for Africa. Although it hurt to pull away from something that nurtured her very soul, she had no choice in the matter. Because the one person who could soothe her restless soul was the very person she was determined not to fall for.

* * *

After two slices of delectable apple pie and two rounds of Go Fish, Sawyer stood up and announced his departure. He couldn’t help smiling when Casey and Dolly begged him to stay longer. This was what he’d missed in Africa, he realized. A sense of belonging.

“Please, just a little bit longer,” they pleaded. With a loud groan, Ava peeled the children off him as they clung tightly to his legs.

He leaned on the counter to keep his balance. “I’ll be back soon, guys. I promise. I have to run over to my parents’ house tomorrow and then head in to work, but the next day we can meet up, maybe at the coast guard station.”

Ava looked at him curiously. “So, no one in the family mentioned you were back in town,” she said.

Sawyer grimaced. “That’s because you guys are the first to know other than my team. I wanted to take care of a few things before I announced my return.”

Ava grinned, her face lit up like sunshine. “Such as buying a lighthouse?”

He nodded. “Yep. Like buying a lighthouse.” He moved his hand to his jaw and rubbed it. “It didn’t hit me till now, but my folks just might wonder about my sanity.”

She stopped grinning. Her eyes wandered over his face. “No, they won’t. They’re going to be so over the moon that you’re back, they won’t care if you’re living in a shack on the beach.”

He felt a warmth spreading through his veins as Ava’s words settled in. “Well, then, I’m off,” he said as he made his way to the back door. Casey trailed right behind him while Dolly blew him kisses. Once he was outside he heard Ava calling out to him, her voice pulling him right back toward her. He turned back, watching as she practically flew out of the house straight toward him. Once again he noticed how radiant she looked. And much more relaxed than the Ava he’d first encountered on the beach earlier today. He was thankful she’d forgiven him, or at least had decided to give him a second chance to be in her life. He felt himself smiling at the notion that something he’d done—some little word or gesture—had made her happy tonight.

“I never said welcome back.” She walked toward him, reaching him in a few short strides. She stood on her tiptoes and leaned up toward him, placing a tender kiss on his cheek. Ava smiled at him—the first jubilant smile she’d given him since he’d seen her. With a wave of her hand, she headed back toward the house.

The smile went straight to his heart, reminding him of all the reasons he’d left Cape Cod and found refuge on the other side of the world. He’d thought he was strong enough to come back home and face the past, but all of a sudden he was doubting himself. Now that he was standing here in her orbit, he wasn’t so sure that he could bury his feelings and man up.

You don’t have a choice. The words buzzed in his ear. After all, this was about the children, not about him. That’s why he’d come back, wasn’t it?

As Ava walked back into the house, he watched through the window as the twins rushed toward her to give her a hug. The sight of it caused him to let out a deep shudder. What would it be like to be part of that tight-knit family unit? he wondered. What would it be like to tuck the kids into bed at night and see them off to school in the morning? He shook the thought off, chastising himself for allowing his mind to go down that road. This was Billy’s family, not his. No matter how strongly he felt for them, for Ava, it was disloyal to Billy to even let his mind go there. When he’d kissed Ava that night, he’d been full of remorse and guilt afterward. So much self-recrimination. What kind of man would he be if he took up with his cousin’s widow?

As if that could ever happen! She wouldn’t want to have anything to do with him if she knew the truth, he realized. Because of him, Ava’s husband and the father of her twins had drowned off Nantucket Sound. And no matter what Sawyer did to assuage the guilt, it still gnawed at him. In his career he’d saved a hundred lives or more, nearly losing his own half a dozen times in the process. A few of his rescues had been recoveries, but none of them had haunted him like Billy’s death. None of them had given him nightmares that had him crying out in the middle of the night.

The memories of that night washed over him like a tidal wave as he walked along the beach toward his lighthouse.

He and Billy had owned a boat leasing company. It had been Billy’s idea, and he had gone along with it, knowing that his cousin needed something to focus on since he’d been laid off from his job. Billy was supposed to be doing most of the work during the week, while Sawyer chipped in on weekends during his off time. Much to his dismay, he’d found himself doing the lion’s share of the work, and he’d resented it. They’d formed the business out of their mutual love for boats, but all the joy had vanished. He’d sunk a lot of money into Trask Boating, and it annoyed him that they hadn’t even been able to get it off the ground because of Billy’s lackadaisical attitude.

As usual, Billy had shown up two hours late and inebriated. The smell of cheap liquor clung to his cousin like a second skin. Sawyer had confronted him, sick and tired of picking up the slack for the business they were trying to get up and running. The company was hanging on by a thread owing to his financial contribution, and he had been starting to feel that Billy was taking advantage of him.

“You owe Ava and the twins better than this!” he’d said after chastising his cousin for drinking.

“Don’t tell me about my family! What do you know about keeping a marriage together or raising kids? The last time I checked you’re still single. Footloose and fancy free.”

“You’re right about that,” he’d acknowledged. “But if the good Lord ever blesses me with a wonderful wife like Ava, I’d treat her a sight better than you’re doing at the moment.”

Right before his eyes, Billy’s face had hardened into granite. His eyes had narrowed into slits. He’d began clenching his fists. An angry vein had popped on his forehead.

“You’d like that, wouldn’t you? A wife like Ava. Maybe Ava herself would do, right? Ava and Sawyer. You like the ring of that, don’t you?”

“Stop, Billy. You’re out of line.”

Billy had brushed up against him and gotten in his face. “Am I? It seems to me that you don’t think I’m good enough for my own wife. Is that it?”

He’d held up his hands, knowing that once Billy got started on a tangent he was a tough person to try to wind down. “Stop playing the victim in this. It’s not about that.”

“You stop, Sawyer. Stop judging me. Stop throwing everything in my face. Stop wishing that Ava was married to you instead of me!”

Billy’s words had almost knocked the wind out of him. He’d opened his mouth to refute the accusation, determined to deny he’d been holding on to any romantic notions about him and Ava. As much as he’d wanted to deny it, he couldn’t. He’d let out a deep sigh. “Yes, I have wished Ava was mine. And I want you to know I’ve always been ashamed of that. Until right now. Because seeing you like this, watching you destroy the wonderful life you’ve built for yourself—” He’d stopped for a moment, too overcome with frustration to continue. “And let me tell you, if she were my wife, I’d treat her a whole lot better than you’ve been treating her lately.”

The words hung in the air like a storm cloud on the verge of bursting. For a moment the room was quiet, with nothing more than tension crackling in the air.

“No wonder she keeps nagging me,” Billy had muttered. “How can I compare to the great hero, Sawyer Trask? So perfect and righteous.”

“Don’t call me that, Billy!” he’d growled, wishing it didn’t get under his skin so much when people touted him as a hero. In his mind he wasn’t a hero. He was an officer in the coast guard, sworn to uphold maritime law. Performing search-and-rescues was just part and parcel of his job duties. He wasn’t anybody’s hero!

“Always so noble,” Billy had spit out. “It must be nice to be perfect.” He’d shaken his head in disgust. “I’m out of here!” he’d shouted, his long legs quickly carrying him to the door. Those were the last words they’d ever spoken to each other.

A hundred times or more since that night, Sawyer had wished he’d stopped Billy from leaving. It was the last time he’d seen his cousin alive. Late that night he’d received the call from a frantic Ava, who hadn’t seen or heard from her husband all evening. For hours he’d driven around town looking for his cousin, to no avail. In the wee hours of the morning he’d received the devastating call from his best friend, Colby, who was a member of his coast guard unit. Billy’s capsized boat had been spotted by the coast guard a few miles out in the harbor. Although everyone had prayed that he’d managed to swim to land, Billy’s body had been found the next day in one of the inlets off Buzzards Bay Harbor. An investigation had concluded that, caught in a minor squall, Billy had drowned after his boat took on water. The fact that Billy had been under the influence had only worsened the life-and-death situation.

Sawyer had never told a single soul about his argument with Billy. He’d been too ashamed, felt too guilty about the fact that his angry words with him might have caused his cousin to spiral downward. But he couldn’t keep this to himself any longer. Not when he’d made a promise to God he’d come clean with Ava after he’d almost died from cholera on the other side of the world.