Читать книгу Lolito - Ben Brooks - Страница 12

4

I push open the door and the smell of shit climbs into my nostrils. Everything’s black. I turn on the lights. Amundsen has done two shits on the living-room carpet. I didn’t leave the conservatory door open. I kick him. He whines. Stupid. I open the drinks cabinet and take down Dad’s bottle of Famous Grouse. He only drinks whisky during sports finals, election nights and Christmastime, and he won’t notice, and if he does it doesn’t matter. I pour some into my mouth and it hurts. I turn on the TV. It’s a quiz programme. A man in a blue suit is looking into the camera and rubbing his hands together like he’s trying to light a tiny fire.

In which film is it said, ‘Some dreams come true. Some don’t. Keep on dreaming’?

a) Autumn in New York

b) Pretty Woman

c) Basic Instinct

d) Runaway Bride

I shout b at the screen. The man says he doesn’t know. I call him a fucking dick idiot. I shout b. I imagine Julia Roberts aggressively hugging me until my sides go numb. Julia Roberts shampooing my hair in the bath. Julia Roberts massaging my back, and purring, and reading out the Wikipedia pages of notorious serial killers to me, so that I can fall gently into a deep and dreamless sleep. I pour more Famous Grouse into my mouth. The man guesses d. I shout b at the screen. The answer is b. Alice and I watched it on a laptop while tenting under her duvet. The man is a fucking moron. The man laughs and shakes his head.

I have an idea.

I pour more Famous Grouse into my mouth.

I go upstairs and turn on my computer. I play Salem.

Kayleigh Evans just had a wicked night with Mary, Sarah, and Chris at Liquid.

Miles Drinkwater passed his driving test today.

Dannie Everton is now employed by the Queen’s Arms.

Alice has used my computer to log into her Facebook.

This means that her password might have been saved by autofill. This means I can get into her Facebook. This means I can find out if Aaron Mathews was lying.

I get into her Facebook.

Chris Parsons is looking forward to his London trip tomorrow. Time for bed.

Dear Chris Parsons, fuck you. Nobody cares.

Alice’s profile picture is her and her dad on the beach in Antigua. I think, where the fuck even is Antigua? I think, fuck you. Marie Denton is online. Marie Denton is Alice’s best friend. Marie Denton is grade seven on the clarinet and was briefly addicted to diazepam.

‘Hi,’ I say. ‘Antigua is fun. I am having an amazing time here haha.’ This is an accurate impersonation of Alice. She types that she’s laughing even when she is definitely not laughing.

‘Hi,’ Marie says. ‘Cool. You have Internet?’

‘Just for a minute. I needed to ask you something.’

‘Are you okay?’

‘Yes. Just I’ve been feeling bad about the Aaron Mathews thing. I’m not sure if I should tell Etgar the truth.’

‘Why?’ she says. ‘You didn’t even properly fuck him and you were drunk.’

The feeling that happens in my head is the same as when you wake up after sleeping on an arm. A warm, staticky lack of feeling. I’m still for a little then I’m not. The blood comes back.

I think, fucking fuck shit fuck.

I think, am I going to vomit?

I’m maybe going to vomit.

I throw my computer off the bed. I’m shaking. My heart is beating fast and my chest feels tight. I think, am I going to have a heart attack? I hope I don’t die of a heart attack. If that happens someone will say something retarded about me dying ‘from a broken heart’.

I go into the bathroom and take the co-codamol Mum was given for her gout out of the cupboard. Downstairs, I break ten of the tablets in half and put them into a cup. My hands are shaking and everything is hard to do. Everything is heavy and slow. I add water and crush everything with the handle of a screwdriver. I take off my trousers and my boxer shorts and stretch the boxer shorts over a pint glass and pour the mixture through. A pyramid of white powder collects on top of the boxer shorts. Paracetamol. I throw it away. I drink the mixture. I hold my own hands to try and stop them shaking and my whole body starts to shake and I think I’m going to fall over. I go upstairs and lie on top of my duvet. Amundsen lies next to me. I push my face into his fur. A low moaning sound comes out of me and he does a little grunt. I think to myself, see you in the morning.