Читать книгу Montesereno - Benjamin W. Farley - Страница 9

Driving around the Villa to the cottage stirred Darby’s memories again. They had spent the happiest hours of their honeymoon by its fireside, in its dayroom, so cozy and warm. But the past was past; he hardened his jaw. Hegel had put it best: every moment is a compilation of the past, as well as a revolt against it.

He entered the cottage. In the glow of its hearth, he and Julia had melded into their first pluperfect throes. For years they had loved each other intensely, cooking together, studying, writing, traveling, until Julia completed her own degree as an archivist. Still, from the beginning, the feeling that something was missing never dissipated. He bit his lip. That she wanted out destroyed his wholeness, his grasp of himself. No, he couldn’t fault her. Nor should he fault himself, a psychologist had assured him. Life is never that simple. Slowly, he made his way into the room. It was a good place to live, to dwell, however long Nelson should need him. Then return to Atlanta, if they’d take him back. The Dean had pretty much promised he would.

He had his clothing to bring in—his laptop, reference books, and personal items. He returned to his car and completed the move. Now as he scanned the cottage’s bookshelves, he was surprised to find his own works closest to the room’s reading lamp. Garnett must have arranged them to create the effect. There they were: his dissertation, his two volumes of The History of Western Philosophy, two novels: Au’voir Paris and Christopher Rex—a fable set at sea—and Orion, his first and only book of poetry. Just as he sat down, someone rapped at the door. “Hey in there!” a voice called. Darby recognized it as Jon Paul’s.

He rose and opened the door. With only a thin smile, he stared at the stout, medium-sized chef of hefty chest, his head a stream of godlike blond hair tied in a wiry pony tail dangling down the back of his neck. There was something about him Darby had never been able to trust. It was in his eyes, the silent cant that never smiled. “Come in! What a sight you are!” he belied his feelings. “Thanks for everything.”

“Hey, it’s not me to thank! It’s Linda and Hettie. They spent all yesterday cleaning and dusting this place for you. We get some real crazies, you know. Sometimes it takes two to take them down. Enjoy your night. Who knows what tomorrow may bring! If you need anything, let me know. Otherwise, I’ll see you at breakfast.”

“Thanks. I’ll do that.”

Jon Paul’s eyes scrutinized Darby’s for a moment. A look of distance crept into them. Suddenly, he shook Darby’s hand, then, slipped back into the night.

Darby watched him disappear toward the Villa. A thin fog had begun to form. It settled ever so subtly about the mansion’s flagstone walkways, its tall ornamental urns and rhododendron bushes that hunched numb in the cold. Darby rubbed his arms, closed the door and lit the logs in the fireplace. He had scarcely begun to relax when another rap sounded at the door. It was softer and hesitant, but nonetheless a knock. “Come on in!” he called. “The door’s unlocked.”

“Yes!” a young voice answered. It was Stephanie. She eased the door open and stepped in. She quickly closed it behind her. “Please Dr. Peterson, don’t be angry! Please, sir! This is totally unlike me. But I’m frightened. May I sit for a while? I, I won’t stay long. I promise. I won’t tell anybody, either. I’m just . . . lonely, . . . sad.”

Darby glanced at her trembling hands. They were white, almost blue from the cold.

“Well, you’re already in. Sit down and we’ll just be lonely and sad together,” he smiled.

The girl’s lips parted, creating a warm, expansive grin. “I . . . I can’t believe that,” she stammered. “I thought you had it all together!”

“Well, your smile eliminated any sadness. Sit there by the fire and tell me about yourself. Why all this sadness? This self-doubt? You know, there’s always a reason for the way we feel, and we can choose to feel differently. That’s the truth.”

“I wish I could,” she mumbled as she sat in front of the fireplace to warm her hands. “Do you really want to know about me? To hear the truth? I’m not even sure what it is. I’ve told my counselor a thousand times, but it doesn’t do any good. I feel guilty taking up her time. I just sink deeper it seems.”

“Maybe there’s nothing wrong with that, sinking and sinking until you feel the ground?”

“Please!” Stephanie winced. “I don’t need that.” She looked at him with disparagement in every pore of her face; then placed it in her hands and began to cry. Her sides and shoulders shook, as her voice broke into sobs. Her fingers glistened with tears. She inhaled her sobs and stared at Darby. “My daddy left us when I was just a little girl. It broke my mama’s heart. She took her life after that, leaving me to grow up with my grandmother,” she paused to wipe back tears.

“Here!” said Darby, as he handed her some tissues from the bookstand beside his chair.

“Thank you!” she mumbled, half snorting and half strangling. “I always felt it was my fault. That maybe I was to blame. My counselor tells me that that’s quite normal. I guess it is. I wish I knew.”

Darby sat quietly and waited for her to continue.

“The horrible thing is, Daddy ran away when we were here. He and Mama had been fighting, picking at each other, always finding fault. I never knew which way to turn. Mama liked coming here. Daddy did too. They called ahead, and we came. But this time it was different. Mama claimed Daddy was seeing someone, some woman from Tennessee. That he didn’t love us anymore. Daddy swore that wasn’t true. They said terrible things about each other and to each other. We went to bed, but the next morning Daddy was gone. ‘I knew he would leave us!’ my mother cried. ‘I bet that wench was waiting for him on the road.’ Mr. Nelson phoned the sheriff’s office. The sheriff sent out deputies to search the area, just in case something had happened. Daddy liked to walk, to take long hikes. Maybe he had gotten lost, or slipped on a rock somewhere. Sometimes he’d talk to himself. That’s how he handled his sorrows.” She took a deep breath. “Maybe I inherited his sadness, like some kind of gene.”

Darby sat forward, his fingers intertwined. “Maybe, maybe not.”

“At home, when not in school, I just sit in my room and stare out the window. I used to play with a bunch of girls down the street. They all had mamas and daddies. I guess I was eleven or twelve before I realized how sad I was. I would come home and cry. Their moms were sweet to me, but I knew when it was time to go home. I don’t mean to sound like a cry-baby, but I’ve lived with that so long, I just feel numb inside: unwanted and worthless. I tried cutting my wrists once, but was too scared. I did leave a patch of red scratches on my arms, which my homeroom teacher noticed. That’s when they sent me to the nurse, and later to see a doctor. To be evaluated. I was so embarrassed. When I returned to the classroom that first time, the kids snickered. I hated them after that, every fucking one! Yes, every fucking one,” she affirmed. She inhaled again and fought to regain her composure. “I’m sorry,” she suddenly said. “I’m sorry.” Fresh tears trickled down her cheeks and slid off her nose.

“That’s fine,” Darby said. “We’re all free to say what we need to. Life’s sparkle dimmed after that, didn’t it? A hurt beyond words?”

“Yes!” she muttered, sniffling back more tears. She shook her head in the affirmative, as she attempted to smile. “Yes, sir! It did!”

Darby looked away while she cried more.

“You never said much about yourself,” she sat erect. “We just all fell into blabbering about ourselves in there, didn’t we? Aren’t you married? Don’t you have a wife and children? A son or daughter? I’d love to meet them, if you do.”

“I’m afraid not. I’m what you see and nothing more.”

“I don’t believe that! You’re just trying to blow me off. I could die in this room and you wouldn’t care,” she retorted with a teary huff.

“Now that’s what I mean about choosing the way we feel. You could have said: ‘Hey! You’ve had it rough, too, I bet? No ring, no wife, no family, no kids. Just you, alone! There must be a story there.’ Or, ‘I don’t want to talk about myself anymore. Can we talk about something else? Like maybe your life? Huh?’”

Stephanie smiled. “You don’t have to rub it in. You’re as bad as my counselor. She’s into cognitive behavioral therapy, whatever that is, but if you ask me, it’s a pile of crap. Or it is with her.”

“She might care for you more than you know. It’s just that deep down she doesn’t connect with what’s happening to you. Is that possible?”

“Yes, sir! It’s like she’s hearing my voice, but not me. But I feel better now.” She dabbed the corners of her eyes with a handful of wadded up tissues. “I guess I look terrible,” she stated with one last sob.

“Tell you what! Why don’t we pursue this some more tomorrow, if you want? I’d love to explore those dreams you’ve had, especially about the strangers and the old houses falling in. I’ve had dreams like that, too. Is that a deal?”

“Yes, sir!” she clutched her hands together between her knees. She leaned her head sideways. Her mouth, face, her eyes, cheeks, and chin seemed to smile in unison.

Darby rose and walked her to the door. “Better turn up your collar. It’ll frost hard tonight. Here! Let me walk you to the Villa.” He accompanied her past the urns, to the first steps of the Inn’s back entrance. Warm light streamed through the French windows of the rear doors. The guests were seated about the fireplace. Darby could see them through the muslin veils that hung between the enormous gold drapes that framed the windowpanes. An air of long-ago opulence caressed the room.

“Good night!”

She turned to hug him. He caught her hand and pressed it. “You’re going to make it, Stephanie. Reach down inside your soul; you’ll find more courage than you realize!”

She hurried inside.

For some bizarre reason he thought of Ivan Ilych, the magistrate in Tolstoy’s story. Seeing the drapes must have aroused the association. Ivan had injured himself while hanging drapes, in nothing more than a simple fall—just a simple fall. But the persistent wound changed his life. Never was he the same again. Darby stared into the room, let his benumbed feelings float up and slip away, then turned and walked back to the cottage.