Читать книгу A Lantern in her Hand - Bess Streeter Aldrich - Страница 8

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Yes, it meant war, with James leaving at the first call, and Belle’s young husband enlisting without her knowing his intentions. Abbie thought she could not stand it to see them go. It seemed that life was doing something to her which she could not countenance. She had a queer sensation of wind blowing past her,—of wind that she could not stop. She stood in front of the Seth Thomas clock on the shelf in her mother’s cabin and watched the hands moving above the little brown church painted on the glass of the door. Oh, stop Time for a few minutes until we can do something about the war.

But the winds blew past, and the clock hands went around, and James and Belle’s husband and several of the neighbor boys had gone to war.

And by 1862, when Lincoln’s call for additional volunteers came, Dennie, who was nineteen now, went into the Cedar Falls Reserves, a group of one hundred stalwart fellows. And Abbie again went all through the torn emotions of parting with Dennie and hating war.

And then she learned that there was one thing worse than going to war. And that was not going to war. Will Deal told her so. To be twenty-one and able-bodied, and see the Reserves entrain and not go! He was ashamed, and miserable. But his father, with his one arm, and in the Assembly as he was,—and no one to farm,—and Regina and Louise and his mother all depending on him,—he could not go. It seemed queer that of all the people in the community, Abbie Mackenzie, who was only sixteen, should be the one in whom Will Deal confided. And because Will Deal had done this, Abbie told him some things she had never told a soul,—that some day she was going to be a big person. She could feel it in her,—that she was going to do great things, sing before vast audiences, and paint lovely pictures in frames and write things in a book.

“You know, Will, I don’t want people to laugh at me,—and I don’t believe you would. But sometimes it all comes over me, that I can do these big things. It’s ahead of me, ... kind-of like a light in the woods that shines and stays far away. And when I read verses, ... or hear music, ... or sing, ... it beckons me on, ... and my throat hurts with wanting to do something great.”

Will did not laugh at her, but instead, looked at her queerly for a moment, noticing for the first time that her skin was as creamy-white as the May-flowers that grew in the Big Woods, that her lips were of deep red tints and her eyes of deep brown ones, and that her mop of curly hair held them both,—the reds and the browns.

And then, the next year, Ed Matthews, who had been east to college, was drafted. And Doc Matthews called Will out of the field where he was cutting wheat with a cradle, and told him he would give him five hundred dollars to go in Ed’s place.

Will walked to the house, laid the sack of gold pieces in his mother’s lap and said, “I’m going, Mother. There’s the money to hire the work done.”

He left from the new Dubuque and Sioux City station two miles from his father’s place. Grandpa Deal was there, sick at heart, joking the boys. Grandma Deal, in her black cap tied under her wrinkled face, was there, scolding that Will was going, that the coach would be crowded,—scolding and sputtering in her little nagging way. Why didn’t they stand back? Why didn’t they go to-morrow? What made every one so noisy? Maggie O’Conner Mackenzie, in her white cap tied under her plump, placid face, was there. And Abbie Mackenzie, in a sprigged delaine over hoop skirts, and with a little pancake flowered hat tipped over her forehead, was there. Oh, God, stop the wind blowing by,—the wind that blows Time away. Stop the clock hands until I can think whether Will Deal ought to go to war.

And then, something happened. The train was ready to start. There were good-bys and noise and tears and confusion. Will Deal shook his father’s one hand, and kissed his mother’s little wrinkled cheeks and Regina and Louise,—and started to shake hands with Abbie Mackenzie, but suddenly kissed her instead. And if battles have been lost and kingdoms have fallen over less, who is there to blame Abbie Mackenzie, that her own little kingdom was in a state of revolution when she left the station and drove home in the lumber-wagon across the prairie and over the damp, dark river road?

In the fall of ’64, when she was seventeen, Abbie herself was teaching the home school,—in a new white schoolhouse with green blinds, but standing in the same spot where the hazel-brush grew in tangled masses down toward the river bank. There was only one big boy in school that autumn, a harmless unfortunate, whom Grandpa Deal termed a “three-quarters wit.” The others were “with Sherman.” And Sherman was before Atlanta.

Abbie’s thoughts seemed always with them, those boys in shabby blue: James and Dennie and all the old neighborhood schoolmates. Through the monotonously droning reading of the McGuffey readers, the ciphering and the cramped copybook work, she thought of them. “God bring them all safe home. Please bring them home, God, ... James and Dennie and Will Deal.” There were other friends and schoolmates, but no one so big and fine and clean as Will Deal, and so understanding. Whenever she craved understanding, she always thought of Will Deal, who did not laugh at her fancies, but gave her sympathy instead.

Ed Matthews, who had paid his way out of the draft, came home that fall for a few days. Ed was going to be a doctor like his father. Several times he had stopped his horse at the schoolhouse door and, with the reins over his arm, talked to Abbie. She was a little proud of the attention. It was rather complimentary to be singled out from all the girls in the neighborhood for attention from Ed. She could not quite make up her mind whether she really liked Ed or not. Will Deal didn’t like him,—had never liked him. But Will was prejudiced. And it was nice to see a young man dress as Ed did. In his riding outfit he certainly looked tony. There were some rumors around about Ed,—something about his drinking at times, and riding at dusk down a by-road which decent people avoided,—but no one had verified them, so far as Abbie knew, and, anyway, people were probably jealous of him and his opportunities.

In that week of October on a Friday afternoon, when the hazel-brush was as brown-burnished as Abbie’s hair, and the Big Woods a mass of scarlet and bronze and crimson, she closed the schoolhouse and left for home.

In the distance she could see the new, stylish, high-top buggy of Doctor Matthews going down the lane road where the honey-locusts, yellow now, bordered the north side of the Deal place. She was thinking that she could have ridden home with the doctor if she had been out a little earlier. Not that she cared, for it was pleasant walking. Who could believe that the guns of the war were booming in the South this Indian summer day? When nearly home she paused, turned abruptly, and climbing the stake-and-rider fence, walked through the oaks into the clearing where the October sun flecked down through leaf shadows. Not for several years had she visited the old grassy knoll between the huge trees. She went up to the top of the knoll now and faced an invisible audience in that old intangible dream which she always had with her. Half amused at her own childishness, half earnest in her actions, there in the seclusion of the woods, she unloosed from its binding ribbons the reddish-brown mass of her hair. She unbuttoned the top buttons of her lavender-sprigged delaine dress and pulled it down over the creamy whiteness of her shoulders, tucking in the edges to hold it. Then, with her reddish-bronze hair, with its overtones of gold, framing the Mayflower petals of her skin, and with her warm brown eyes half closed, Abbie Mackenzie threw back her head and sang:

“Oh, the Lady of the Lea,

Fair and young and gay was she,

Beautiful exceedingly,

The Lady of the Lea.”

The notes rose like the nuptial flight of birds, notes of desire and a longing for their fulfillment.

“To her bower at last there came,

A youthful knight of noble name,

Hand and heart in hope to claim

And in love fell she.”

They throbbed with the joy of life and the pathos of it, with the beauty of peace and the sadness of war.

“Still she put his suit aside,

So he left her in her pride,

And broken-hearted drooped and died,

The Lady—”

A twig snapped and the note snapped with it. Frightened, Abbie whirled to the sound. Ed Matthews stood near her, his blond face aflame. Abbie gave a startled cry, and in fright and embarrassment, clutched the neck of her gown. But Ed Matthews had her in his arms, was kissing her full red lips and the creamy Mayflower petals of her neck, burying his flushed face in the red-bronze of her hair.

“Abbie, ... Abbie, ... you coquette! ... You’re wonderful, ... gorgeous. I love you. I never knew ... I want you.... You’re going with me.... You’ll marry me.... I’ll take you east ... to New York.... Your voice ... I didn’t realize ... You can have the best teachers ... I have to go back to-morrow ... Abbie ... you coquette ... ! And we have to-night left ... to-night is ours ...”

Swept away on the tide of Ed’s passionate words, she seemed to be without thought or comprehension. When she could speak, she found herself saying almost without her own volition, “Don’t, Ed, don’t touch me. You’ve no right. You’ve no right.” She was trying to button the high neck of her dress, pushing Ed’s protesting hand away, twisting up the red-brown curls of her hair. Ed’s laughter disconcerted and frightened her. He seemed so very sure of himself,—and of her.

It was sundown when they reached the Mackenzie cabin. For a long time they stood in front of it, talking. Ed’s flushed face bent to Abbie’s.

“I think so, Ed, ... but I’m not sure. It’s sudden and, ... when you come in the spring I’ll know my own mind.”

“You’re playing with me. You are a coquette.”

“No, Ed, ... I’m really uncertain.”

“Uncertain about marrying me?” Ed’s opinion of himself was not what one would term feeble. “Uncertain about going to New York, ... with that voice? ...”

“Oh, Ed, if I went, ...” Abbie was suddenly childish, wistful, “would I be a lovely lady?”

Ed Matthews’ banter and his high-handedness were stilled, his passion and his ardor quieted. He bent and kissed Abbie’s pretty tapering hand. “You would be a lovely lady,” he said gently.

When he had gone, Mary and Mother Mackenzie drew Abbie in to tell them what it was all about.

Importuned to secrecy, Mary was excited beyond the completion of sentences. “Abbie ... you ... Doctor Ed Matthews ... to go to New York ... your voice ... teachers in New York ... it might be in the opera ...”

Mother Mackenzie asked gravely, “Do you love him, acushla?”

Abbie turned burning cheeks to her Irish mother and clutched her plump shoulders. “I don’t know. Tell me, mother, what is love?”

“That,” said Maggie O’Conner Mackenzie, “I canna tell ye. An’ no one can tell ye. Sure, an’ I mind an’ I knew it though, mysel’. I look for you to know it, yoursel’, Abbie.”

Abbie went up to her loft room. She wanted to be alone. Love? Was this love? To be able to go to New York and study? Her voice ... a new world ... the world of courtly men and lovely ladies ... of silken shawls ... of strings of pearls ... of flowing plumes. But that world also held Ed Matthews with his eyes that were not quite steady, with his disconcerting laugh and the vague, unproven rumors. But he loved her, that was certain. Or ... was it so certain? His kisses ... Abbie’s face burned with the memory. She thought of Will Deal and the day he had left for war two years before. Will had kissed her, too—

Quite suddenly she wished she could talk the whole thing over with Will Deal. Will would help her know her own mind,—help her understand what love was. Of all the people she knew in the whole world, Will was the most understanding. He was so steady,—so dependable. “Oh God, bring Will Deal safe home soon to help me know.”