Читать книгу Sing For Me - Betsy Jiron - Страница 11

CHAPTER 4

Losing Me

I had spent the entire summer with the same three girls, Misty, Jamie, and Rachael. The four of us attended the same high school in the fall. My mother was a teacher there as well. I did what I could to paint the pretty picture of the daughter I was expected to be.

Max had no choice but to go back to Colorado just before school started. I felt horrible about it. I knew he would catch hell twice as bad now since I was gone. There was nothing I could do to prepare myself to be an only child. He should have stayed. Not only for his safety, but my sanity as well. I was afraid of being without him, afraid of being alone.

The first day of school was insane; a complete culture shock. The only ethnic backgrounds in Colorado were Whites and Hispanics. Occasionally, we would get a black kid here or there, but this, here and now was the exact opposite of everything I knew. I was the minority. Everyone else around me was either black or white. Now I know how the black kids in Colorado must have felt. The only other Hispanics in the school was a girl named, Leanna and her little brother. Three of us in the entire school. I was extremely intimidated and wasn’t sure how they felt about me either.

There was beautiful smooth black skin everywhere I turned. The most cut athletic bodies I had ever seen. This was nothing like Colorado. And I wanted a piece of every one of them. If they weren't playing sports, they were singing. I was in heaven.

I guess I never realized how badly I yearned for the touch of a man. I had had sex before, but this feeling was different. These boys had lived at a beach their entire lives and it showed. They were proud of how they looked. Their confidence was what finally reeled me in. They had a roughness about them that the spoiled rich white kids in Colorado didn't have. These boys were flawless on the outside and rough out the inside.

On more than one occasion, I thought for sure my heart would explode from the look of lust behind their deep brown eyes. I had been numb and heartless for so long that the thought of intimacy made my stomach queasy. Passion in their eyes and the desperate need to be touched and loved poured from their fingertips. I was very dominant so I had the power to bring it out of them. This was one thing I had; control of being sexually desirable.

Marcus, Quinton, and Ron. The only three I continuously went back to, especially Marcus. It was because he was nothing like others I was used to or rose up. He didn't play sports. He was skinny and lanky and dressed like a hobo, but that didn't keep me from exploding inside out when he touched me. Just the beat of his heart alone melted the block of ice that replaced my soul years ago. His fingers were long and gentle. My body was tiny so those big hands covered every inch that begged for his touch.

I would watch the expressions on his face change as Marcus would undress me. He would blink slowly and bite his bottom lip as he removed my last article of clothing.

Marcus gave me the same look all the time. It was a look of love and admiration. He knew nothing of my past and never judged me on my present behaviors. It never mattered to him who had been with me before. All he cared about was us being together.

Marcus was sweet and passionate. Intimacy with him was my ecstasy. He lay gently on top of me cradling my head in his hands. He pressed his chest against mine and kissed me so gently. I exhaled slowly as he entered my soft young body. No one had ever made me feel so feminine and pristine. He took long slow strokes and for the first time ever, I wasn't thinking about my tainted body or the prior invasions of my private parts. My heart was pounding for no one other than him.

Imminent, I made sure I was always home by curfew. The journey up the long walkway was more of a glide that night. I stepped in the house and cut off the porch light. This was my mom's cue that I was home and safe. Her bedroom window faced the front of the house and I was to cut the light out so she knew I was there.

My body trembled for what seemed like hours after my time with Marcus. I lay in bed with my eyes closed and replayed his every move and imagined he was still caressing me. I let my body sink in to my mattress and I slept…peacefully.

I woke the next morning to a very unfamiliar feeling of innocence. I imagined that this was the feeling I was supposed to experience after losing my virginity. It was as if Marcus had given back what was taken from me years ago. I needed that feeling more than anything. My thoughts of “cutting” and “burning” had become a memory of the past, memories of someone else.

Marcus and I discontinued our relationship shortly before our junior year ended. I wasn't upset or hurt by it. Our relationship was a blessing for me. Because of him, I found a strength and security I never knew I had.

Everything seemed to be coming together at mom's house. We had started communicating more often and Daniel and I were speaking passing through the house. Mom's house had become a home, a family.

Summer was right around the corner. The rain on the tin roof of my mother's house echoed through my soul like a song that had been written just for me. The scent of the wild flowers and forestry had returned and the comforting smell lingered through the house once again. I had made it through the first year of my “new beginning” and I couldn't be more content.

As scheduled, Max had arrived for another fun filled summer at the beach. Derren married his high school sweetheart that summer as well. For a year, I fought back all the feelings of hatred and defiance. But, the animosity I felt towards life had started to creep up from inside once again.

I spent all my time at the beach and shopping with my friends as usual, but the ache in my heart had brought back the urge to fight; not only myself, but also everyone around me. I needed something or someone as damaged as I. Someone with the same pain so I didn't have to feel it alone anymore.

Evenings at the beach were spent on what we called, “the strip.” It was the only highway that went through every beach up the coast. There was no other place on earth I wanted to be. There were the countless clubs, shops, jewelry stores with necklaces made of seashells, and plenty of tourists.

Just beyond the chaos of tourists and playing children lay the darkness, the darkness that protected the sand and calm ripples of the ocean. The night sky left the imagination to wonder, the crashing of the waves drowning out sounds of screaming children and angry parents. All that was left to be heard was the beating of your own heart. Not a care in the world.

I sat in the sand just to breathe and listen. The darkness that surrounded me seemed to mimic how I felt inside, “The big black empty hole” trying to fight its way up to the surface. I sat there alone most nights. Nothing could hurt me there.

The Illusion was a nightclub for teenagers. It was by far the hot spot of the beach – my friends and I had to park nearly half a mile away given the tourists had taken the closer parking spaces as usual. I'd crossed these streets a million times before, but this time, it would change my life forever.

I could feel his stare burn straight through me as we weaved ourselves through the chaotic beach traffic. Our bodies brushed against each other as we crossed the busy street. The energy between us was intense, more intense than I had ever felt before. I lifted my eyes slowly. I had to see the face of the man that could bring on this feeling. His eyes were dark and powerful…body was strong and solid. The tighter my chest got, the more I struggled to breathe.

Braxton was his name. Braxton was a predator and I was powerless. It was his eyes. Something about those eyes pulled me into the darkest world I will never come to know. He was a few years older than I was and a dropout from the high school I attended.

Braxton lived with family friends in the projects 10 miles or so from my mother's. Their house was small and dirty without carpets and torn furniture. The house reeked of bleach and urine. I never judged him or the family by their living conditions. I embraced them as they embraced and accepted me.

My mother disapproved of the relationship, of course. I couldn't blame her. She saw the red flags long before I did. Braxton was very jealous and overbearing. The only time I had away from him was at school or at home. Otherwise, he kept a very short leash on me. I was no longer “allowed” to wear a bikini top without a t-shirt over it.

There were two other teenage boys living in the house. They all considered each other brothers. It was made clear to me that I wasn't to talk to them for any reason. They snuck in a few smiles and winks here and there when Braxton wasn't looking. The brothers were so pretty sporting smooth and light brown skin. The younger of the two had one green eye and one brown eye. I wanted to touch them both. I wanted to see if their hands made me feel the way their smiles did.

They had a sister my age as well. She was my excuse for sleepovers so I could wake up with Braxton every chance I had. Braxton was aggressive sexually, and he very rarely looked at me during sex. He was, however, very vocal. He would repeat phrases like, “I'll kill you if you leave me,” and, “I'll kill you both if I catch you with someone else.” I knew he wasn't kidding. I could feel the hatred and jealousy in every beat of his cold empty heart. I knew this pain he felt all too well. I had spent my whole life trying to escape it within myself.