Читать книгу Jasmine - Bharati Mukherjee - Страница 8

BUD calls me Jane. Me Bud, you Jane. I didn’t get it at first. He kids. Calamity Jane. Jane as in Jane Russell, not Jane as in Plain Jane. But Plain Jane is all I want to be. Plain Jane is a role, like any other. My genuine foreignness frightens him. I don’t hold that against him. It frightens me, too.

In Baden, I am Jane. Almost.’

Last week on our favorite cable channel, Du and I saw twenty INS agents raid a lawn furniture factory in Texas. The man in charge of the raid called it a factory, but all it was was a windowless shed the size of a two-car garage. We got to hear agents whisper into walkie-talkies, break down a door, kick walls for hollowed-out hiding places. They were very thorough.

Du snickered, but he gives no sign of caring, one side or the other. He’s very careful that way. There were only two Mexicans in the shed. They ducked behind a chaise longue that was only half-webbed. One minute they were squatting on the floor webbing lawn furniture at some insane wage—I know, I’ve been there—and the next they were spread-eagled on the floor. The camera caught one Mexican throwing up. The INS fellow wouldn’t uncuff him long enough for him to wipe the muck off his face.

I thought I heard Du mutter, “Asshole.” And I realized I didn’t know who were the assholes, the cowboys or the Indians.

A woman in a flowered dress said, “I don’t think they’re bad people, you know. It’s just that there’s too many of them. Yesterday I opened the front door to get the morning papers and there were three of them using my yard as their personal toilet.”

The reporter, a thin, tense man with razor burns, stopped a woman in an Olds. “To tell you the truth,” she said, “I don’t know what to feel anymore.” The reporter got ready to move off to somebody else, but she stopped him. “Steve, my husband, lost his job. That was last November. We were doing so good, now we can’t make the house and car payments. Are you listening, Mr. President?”

I wanted to shout to the lady, Mrs. Steve, Two years ago Bud got shot and will never walk again. Are you listening? What kind of crazy connection are you trying to make between Mexicans and car payments? Who’s the victim here? And what about Du? Mr. President, what about Du?

The officer in charge flat-handed the mike away, but I thought I heard, “The border’s like Swiss cheese and all the mice are squirming through the holes.”

So they got two. Which meant that there had to be scores more who scampered away at the start of the raid. Du and me, we’re the ones who didn’t get caught. The only mystery is who’ll get caught and who’ll escape. Du made it out of the refugee camp, and his brother didn’t.

I visit Du in his room. He’s sitting over his typewriter. I smell tobacco, nothing more serious. A mother, even one no older than a sister, can be forgiven if she looks in because the door is open a crack, because it gives a little when she leans her shoulder on it.

“Try me with your homework? I used to be pretty good in my day.”

He laughs, but something is wrong. I can see it in the stiffened neck. “Thanks, but I don’t think you know much about Teddy Roosevelt.” He gives his history book, jacketed in brown paper as demanded by Mr. Skola, an irritated shove. “Speak softly but carry a big stick. I bet that’s all you know about Teddy Roosevelt.”

Truth is, I didn’t know that. I know a little bit about one of the Roosevelts, and about his wife, who was a friend of Indian freedom. At least, Masterji said she was.

At the last PTA meeting Mr. Skola sought me out by the coffee urn and said, “Yogi’s in a hurry to become ail-American, isn’t he?” I said, “Yes. He doesn’t carry a dictionary around anymore.” And then he said, “He’s a quick study, isn’t he? They were like that, the kids who hung around us in Saigon.” He didn’t make “quick study” sound like anything you’d like to be. We’re all quick studies, I should have said. Once we start letting go—let go just one thing, like not wearing our normal clothes, or a turban or not wearing a tika on the forehead—the rest goes on its own down a sinkhole. When he first arrived, Du kept a small shrine in his room, with pictures, a candle, and some dried fragrances. I don’t know when he gave it up.

“I tried a little Vietnamese on him,” Mr. Skola went on, “and he just froze up.”

I suppressed my shock, my disgust. This country has so many ways of humiliating, of disappointing. How dare you? What must he have thought? His history teacher in Baden, Iowa, just happens to know a little street Vietnamese? Now where would he have picked it up? There are no harmless, compassionate ways to remake oneself. We murder who we were so we can rebirth ourselves in the images of dreams. All this I should have explained to the red-faced, green-shirted, yellow-tied Mr. Skola. Instead, I said, “Du’s first few weeks with us, my husband thought we had an autistic child on our hands!”

I apologize to Du. “I won’t bug you anymore, then. You’ve got your Big Stick to learn up. I’ll leave you alone.”

“Before you go …” he calls to me. He hunts for something in the top left-hand drawer of his desk. It is a drawer he keeps locked with a mechanism he improvised out of tossed-out farm equipment. He’s an inventor, a little like Prakash, exceptional and impatient. We’re getting him a computer this summer, and sending him to Iowa City for college-credit training.

“I got something for you.”

He’s a magpie, or a fence. Soon he won’t be able to close that drawer. He’s a materialist, no question, and his room is a warehouse. He’s hoarded things, big things like road signs and Drug Town posters, medium things like record players and radios thrown out even by Goodwill, and little things like nail files. What he owns seems to matter to him less than owning itself. He needs to own. Owning is rebellion, it means not sharing, it means survival. He ate bugs and worms and rodents. He lived. He’s a quick study, all right.

A rhinestone ladybug winks in Du’s cupped palm. “Du!” I stare at the ridged and calloused skin welted by thick brown fate lines. “They look like diamonds!”

“What if they were?”

He pins the ladybug on my shirt. For a moment his face glows and I think he will kiss me. “You were meant to have pretty things,” he says.

Secrets roll like barbed wire between us. I don’t ask where he bought or found the pin that glints on my Madras shirt. But as I lie awake this night, the first night that gives signs of not cooling down, Du joins the ghosts of men. He is a phantom lover, he watches me; perhaps he has been watching every night, in his secret, inventive ways.