Читать книгу The Complete Works of Josh Billings - Billings Josh - Страница 45

Once on a previous time, about four hundred thousand years ago, in the old ov the moon, during a verry dry spell ov weather, just after a hard frost, when grass butter waz skass, while venus was an evening star. An old ant, who had lost awl ov her front teeth, and waz twisted with the rhumatiz, and a pollypurse in her noze, sot in an eazy chair, near the front door ov an aunt hill, superintendin a phatt kurnell ov wheat, which the yung aunts were trieing tew git down cellar, into their house.

Jisst then along cum a loafing grasshopper, smoking a pipe, and singing, “Begone dull care, i pray thee begone from me.” – and spieing the old ant, giving orders tew the yung aunts, he stopt tew hav a talk with her.

“Good morning, old mother Industry, good morning!” sed the grassbug. “A fine cernal ov wheat that, yu are rooling in!

“Hav yu heard the grate news?

“Dredfull sharp frost last night!

“Winter will soon set in, i reckon!

“I herd the owls hute last nite!

“Terribel bad acksident on the Harlem road yesterday!

“When dew yu think specie payments will be took up?

“Thare! mi pipe haz gone out, kant yu lend me a match?

“How menny aunts hav yu got in yure village?

“Enny sickness amungst them?

“I wonder if thare iz enny truth in the dispatch, that the pissmires, down on Sandy Creek, hav all struck for higher wages?

“Who do yu think yure ants will vote for for justiss ov the peace?

“What iz yure sold opinyun ov the new license law, will it make rum enny skarser?

“Do yu buy enny grocerys ov old Ferguson, i hope not, he iz a mean old skinflinter, he sold me, only last week, a peace ov bar sope, for sum beeswax.

“The world iz gitting more full ov wussness every day!

“I wonder if thare iz enny truth in what every boddy sez, about old Square Benson, that he kant pay, only now and then sum ov hiz dets!

“Do yu see much ov the krickets now a days?

“I should really like tew kno how they are gitting along; rather tuff times for them i guess, yu don’t think they will winter, do yu?

“When duz the moon change now days?

“Hav yu got enny onion seeds tew spare, that yu kan reckomend?

“Dew yu think England will ever pay the Allabarmer klaims?

“I kant see what makes the cockroaches so stuck up, i met one this morning, and before i could put two civil questions at him he was out ov sight!

“Sum folks are alwus in sich a swetting hurry!

“Aint thare sum good law agin the spiders bilding their webs in the grass?

“How mutch wheat haz yure aunts got laid up; yu must hav sum tew spare?

“I wonder if it wont up and rain, before tommorrow?

“They tell me that maple sugar iz a drug in the market, owing to its peculiar mutchness; yu kant tell, kan yu, whether this iz so or not, i wish yu could!

“Mi opinyun now iz, that he who livs to see next year, will see buckwheat a bigg crop!

“I overheard the older hens say, az i cum past nabor Sherman’s lower barn this morning, that eggs waz gitting a good deal on plenty, and they must git tew work agin!

“Well! i am in an awful hurry, i am going down tew tend a jumping match between Springsteel, and Steelspring, two yung grasshoppers; this iz tew be the last hop ov the seazon.

“I must be a going!

“I am uncommon sorry i kant stay longer, and make yu a good visit.

“By the way! Old mother Industry, i hav got a profound sekret, that i want to tell yu, but i wouldn’t hav it known bi ennyboddy, for awl the world, if it should git out once, it would ruin me!”

“Then keep the sekret yureself,” spoke the ant, “it iz worth more to yu than ennyboddy else.”

This iz every word the bizzy old ant sed, but kept her eye all the time on the phatt keernel ov wheat and the loafing grasshopper moved off, whistling “Sally cum up.”

REMARKS

This iz the way with all loafers, if they kant steal yure time with idle questions, their last dodge iz to steal yure credulity with an idle sekret.