Читать книгу The Journey for Kids: Liberating your Child’s Shining Potential - Brandon Bays, Kevin Billett Brandon Bays - Страница 8

For us to work with children, the work must first start with us. We must see our children as already whole, free, inherently wise and beautiful. Then, when we partner them in their personal and spiritual Journeys, all that we are really doing is helping to lift off the layers of imposed limitations – the lies, the hurt, the emotional blocks that obscure their natural potential. That potential is already here, already free – all that we are doing is liberating it, allowing it to be expressed wholesomely and joyously.

So often parents come to me and say that they really don’t know how to ‘get through’ to their kids; they seem so emotionally inexpressive. Isn’t it true? When your child comes home from school and you ask, ‘So how was school today?’ what does your child inevitably answer? Usually it’s ‘OK’ or ‘Fine’, nothing more, nothing less. No one gave these kids (or any of us for that matter) the manual ‘How to Feel and Express your Emotions’, and so generally the most common response from kids of all ages is a shrugging of the shoulders and a one-word reply that doesn’t tell us anything. Have you ever found yourself quietly frustrated because you’re not even sure which questions to ask anymore? And have you ever had the sense that something more might be going on, but you can’t quite put your finger on it? I’m sure that every parent out there has experienced this frustration.

My husband Kevin and I had first-hand experience of this a few years ago. Kevin’s son Mark is a beautiful, angelic, highly intelligent 11 year old. He’s always been bright, quick to fall in with his peers, compassionate to younger kids and socially well-adjusted. He’s well-liked by teachers and pupils alike, and always brings home stellar school reports. When he was eight years old, we began to notice that when we brought up the subject of theme parks, his response was always lacklustre. As he was not an overly emotive child, his response wasn’t terribly concerning, but nonetheless, when you suggest going to Disneyland or Universal Studios to kids you can usually expect an excited or effusive response. Mark’s was almost always one of indifference. It seemed odd, but how do you penetrate that kind of malaise? We never knew what was behind his quietness until Mark attended the Junior Journey for the first time and underwent his first Kids’ Journey.

The Junior Journey is a fun-filled empowering programme for children aged eight to eleven. The one-day workshop is jam-packed with confidence- and self-esteem building exercises, and each child receives a private Kids’ Journey with a Journey Accredited Therapist (we have one therapist there for every two kids). They have guided ‘Sleeping Elephant’ meditation, they paint ‘before’ and ‘after’ pictures of their Journeywork, and they have a real-life bonfire where they throw in all the old unresourceful patterns or behaviour that held them back in the past – and they usually also roast marshmallows. They playact scenes using their resource balloons (something you’ll learn more about later), and they end the day with a self-esteem and confidence-building game – when the ball is thrown to you, you have to go into the middle of the circle and one by one each child shares what they like best about you.

The responses we get from both kids and parents are just phenomenal. Usually kids have massive positive shifts and the parents are just thrilled with the results.

Mark was attending the programme for the first time and usually we suggest that kids get their first few Journeys with someone other than their parents, as it gives the child the same privacy and anonymity that we, as adults, often feel we need. So Mark was to undergo his first Kids’ Journey with one of the Accredited Therapists at the programme.

As expected, Mark threw himself into the day (most kids do, it’s so much fun!) and fell in easily with the other kids. When it came time for his process, Sally, the head therapist, decided that she would work with him in his private session.

During his Journey, Mark went back to a memory of when he was seven years old. We had taken him to Legoland and had encouraged him to go on the little ‘Dragon’ roller-coaster. All of Legoland is pretty much aimed at younger kids, so when Mark seemed reluctant to go on the ‘Dragon’ with us, Kevin softly encouraged him, reassuring him that it would be fun. Mark begrudgingly acquiesced and we all three got on the ride together. Mark seemed to be enjoying himself until we got to the last hill of the ride. We could feel the roller-coaster slowly cranking up the hill and as I looked up at the steepness, even I thought, ‘Hmm, this is a bit high for little kids,’ but as there was nothing we could do, we just laughed and held Mark closer to us. As we went roaring down the other side of the hill, Mark turned white and looked as though he was either going to laugh or cry – we couldn’t tell which. Kevin, cognisant of Mark’s nervousness, tried to encourage him, and as we got off the ride softly reassured him, affirming how brave Mark was and how much fun the ride had been.

What neither of us had realized at the time was that Mark had been terrified, and he was secretly furious that we hadn’t listened to him in the first place.

During his Kids’ Journey, at his ‘campfire’, he finally got to let loose at us, and he released all of the stored-up anger and forgave us for not listening. When he had finished, he spoke to Sally, who then came to us on his behalf to say that Mark really wanted to make his own decisions about roller-coasters and felt that we needed to listen to him more.

Whoa, were we surprised … but also grateful. We had no idea it had affected him so strongly. It seemed like such a harmless thing – a three-minute ride on a kiddie roller-coaster. And yet it was pointing to something much larger: that we really needed to listen more deeply to Mark, to hear his needs and respond to them more respectfully.

Later, when Kevin spoke with Mark privately, he let him know how sorry we were and that neither of us had realized how scared he had been – that his lack of communication prior to the ride had left us in the dark as to what his true feelings were. Kevin asked Mark to promise him that if ever he felt afraid he would let us know. Mark admitted that he was shy and a little scared of telling us, but he promised in future to listen more carefully to himself and his body, and if he felt any fear at all he’d let us know. Kevin promised in return that we would never make him do anything he was too scared to do. He reassured him that we would never take him anywhere where there was real danger, that we love him too much and that if he was frightened we wouldn’t force him into anything he genuinely didn’t want to do. Kevin also agreed he would endeavour to listen more closely, more deeply, and got Mark to agree that communication is a two-way street – though a great deal can be conjectured and surmised, you can’t assume you can mind read just from someone’s body language, you need to verbalize your feelings.

Since that time, it has been ongoing learning. To strengthen Mark, we still like to encourage him to meet his fears and stretch to take action, even when fear is coming up. But he’s never since been made to do something that he really hasn’t chosen to do himself.

Now, whenever we go to Universal Studios or Disney, Mark chooses which rides he wants to take. Last summer at Universal Studios we went on the dread ‘Jurassic Park’ ride, the scariest of all the water-splash roller-coaster rides, and Mark asked to ride it three times! It was his favourite ride in the whole theme park. But more important, we as parents are learning to partner Mark on his journey, rather than foisting our ideas of what’s best for him onto him without his input. We are all learning how to listen and how to express ourselves clearly.

Part of what you will be doing as you work with your child is learning just this: how to partner your child in opening into their own experience, and how to support them in discovering their own truth and their own answers – a lesson that would be good for all of us to learn in all our relationships!

Recently I shared Mark’s story with one of our senior Accredited Therapists, Gaby, who had served as a trainer two years ago at a Junior Journey programme. She remarked that it reminded her of a process she’d had with a child who had seemed quite quiet and shy. Gerald seemed to like keeping himself to himself, which is unusual in the normally social and interactive kids’ programme. His aloneness touched Gaby and she felt in her heart that she would be the right trainer to do his process with him.

Respecting Gerald’s natural quietness, Gaby began the process with a tender sensitivity and lightness. In the Kids’ Journey the child imagines going down a set of ten steps, knowing that every step they take will carry them into a place of safety and relaxation and that on the bottom step they will open into an ocean of light, a vast presence of peace and love. Gerald took to the process easily, loved opening into the peace and love, and when he was on the bottom step described to Gaby that, in his mind’s eye, he was sitting by himself on a warm beach, happy and alone, basking in the sun. Gaby noted that he said he was alone and asked if he felt alright in his aloneness. ‘Oh, yes, I’m very happy. I like to be alone.’ It seemed clear that he was genuinely content, so Gaby continued with the process.

In his mind’s eye Gerald walked through the door, greeted his mentor and together they stepped into an imaginary space shuttle – so magical that it can carry you safely and gracefully into any part of the body. It carries you to the specific place where an emotional issue is stored. Gerald loved ‘cruising’ in the space shuttle and it guided him very easily and naturally to a part of his body where a specific cell memory was stored. Surprisingly, the memory had almost the opposite feeling to the beach scene. Apparently, when he was about three-and-a-half years old his parents had taken him to a firework display on a warm summer’s night. Everyone screamed and ‘oohed’ and ‘aahed’ as the explosions in the sky blasted one after the other, but Gerald kept telling his parents that he didn’t feel comfortable and he didn’t want to be there. Sitting in the dark, not knowing what was coming next, then the blinding light followed by huge thunderous explosions, the screams of excitement coming from everywhere, from faces he couldn’t even see – it was all too much for him. All he craved was a nice warm quiet place where he could just rest peacefully. He tried to express himself, but the more he spoke up, the more his parents ‘shushed’ him, overriding his discomfort and softly coaxing him not to be a baby – ‘Everyone else is enjoying it.’

To many of us, this may seem like a harmless enough memory. Haven’t we all been ‘shushed’ at some time or another? Haven’t we all been told in some way or other that ‘children should be seen and not heard’? And yet what made this particular memory so potent was that Gerald was extremely scared; he was in a peak emotional state. Repeatedly the loud noises and screams frightened him anew and yet he was basically told to ‘stuff it’. So he shut down internally. His body got the message: ‘If I feel a strong emotion and express it, I’ll just be made to shut up.’ From that he construed: ‘It’s not OK to feel those feelings and it’s certainly not OK to express them.’ In that realization, something happened inside Gerald: ‘If I’m not allowed to feel or express my feelings, then I’d rather be alone. That way I won’t have anyone around me to stir up scary or intense emotions, and I can feel safe just to be myself.’ At three and a half he’d already experienced the crystallizing event that would change the whole way he viewed the world, and indeed change his personality. In that moment a loner was born.

So often we wonder what makes one child so outgoing and another so tentative and retiring. Often mothers and fathers will say innocently, ‘Well, she’s been like that since she was a toddler – it’s just her personality.’ Yet that crystallizing ‘shut-down’ can have such a profound effect that often as adults we enter into intimate relationships and wonder why we just can’t feel the connection or the closeness. Somehow we can feel love in our own hearts for the other person, but their love doesn’t seem to penetrate into the deepest part of us. Often, we’ll go to parties and wonder, ‘Why is it that in the midst of this crowd, I feel alone? I know everyone, we all get on, everyone is friendly and caring, and yet I feel like an outsider.’ Well, that pattern may have started with an early childhood shut-down just like Gerald’s.

Perhaps you are already aware of the extraordinary research that has recently been published in the field of cellular biology. Dr Candace Pert, author of the bestselling book Molecules of Emotion, is a well-known cellular biologist who works in Washington, DC. On a number of occasions she has spoken to the US Congress about her amazing findings on the effect that repressed emotions have on our cells. What she has unequivocally discovered is that whenever we have an intense, powerful emotion that we repress or shut down, specific chemical changes take place in our bodies. These can affect certain cell receptors, blocking those cells from communicating with the other cells in our bodies. If these affected cells remain blocked over a long period of time then there is an increased likelihood that if disease occurs, it will occur in the part of the body where the cell receptors are blocked.

Perhaps this may help explain why it is that one seemingly harmless event like Gerald being shushed at the firework display had such a potent and long-term effect: the cell memory and its programming got passed on from one cell generation to the next. The actual memory occurred at only three-and-a-half years of age, yet the pattern and the decision made from that memory were still running on automatic pilot at eight years of age.

The internalization ‘Being around others might make me feel intense and scary emotions and as I’m not allowed to feel or express those, I’d rather be alone’, that entire consciousness, that programming, got passed from cell generation to cell generation.

In order to negatively programme our cells, we have to be in a peak emotional state and we have to repress that emotion at the time. This repressive action is what releases the chemistry that can begin the programming or blocking process. Gerald had experienced both sides of the equation – he had been in a peak emotional state and had repressed his feelings.

What Candace Pert also observed is that when we feel and express our emotions healthily, fully and wholesomely, our cell receptors remain open.

What The Journey process does is to guide you in a safe, gentle and wholesome way to specific cell memories, so that you can finally feel and release the stored pain, let go of the story and memory and forgive the people involved. Then you are given healthy, empowering internal emotional resources so that you can wholesomely and freely respond to life in the future.

When Gerald finished his process, not only had he finally faced and released all the intense emotion from that memory but he had wholeheartedly forgiven his parents. He also received a whole set of resource balloons which helped give his body and being positive and healthy reprogramming. He was given a balloon that allowed him to feel safe, even when there is loud noise and excitement around him, and another balloon that let him feel safe in a crowd. He received balloons of courage, self-confidence, the ability to play with others, light-heartedness, joy and the ability to feel his emotions, to express himself clearly and to share his feelings at the right time with his parents and peers.

After his process, Gaby noticed that at first Gerald remained on the outskirts of what was happening with the other kids. But slowly and tentatively he began to join in, and by the end of the day he was playing as rambunctiously and noisily as all the other kids. When they all did the ‘Monkey Rap’ song, where they all mirror each other in monkey gestures to loud and joyous music, Gerald couldn’t stop laughing as he pretended to be a mischievous monkey mimicking the movements of an eight-year-old girl.

Previously, Gerald was destined to be a loner. Who knows? Maybe now he will end up being the life and soul of the party, a shining star in his world.

Dear Brandon

My name is Lindsay Wilson. I am turning 13 this year. I am a boy who did the Children’s Journey workshop in 2002. I really enjoyed it because, while I was there I got to meet new people; adults and children – people I wouldn’t normally meet. All day long we got to play and have fun and games and we got to know everyone and how everyone felt.

I got to do this special Journey, just for me. It was really good, because I got to express a lot of my feelings and work out a lot of my problems with my Dad. Now that I’m working things out with my Dad, we’re getting along a lot better.

After the Journey, I felt a lot better and a big weight was taken off my chest and felt free to get on with the rest of my life. HOORAY!

I get on easily with my family and friends now and I’m not so angry anymore. Before, people couldn’t touch me or bump into me without me getting angry and hitting them – even if they said they were sorry.

Now, I can stay calm and I am able to walk away from a fight.

Thank you for creating the Journey so other people like me can feel better, relaxed and enjoy life.

I AM SO HAPPY!!!