Читать книгу Extreme Measures - Brenda Harlen, Brenda Harlen - Страница 10

Colin stared at the child in the doorway while his mind desperately scrambled for a plausible explanation to the scene that was unfolding in front of him. He couldn’t breathe, he couldn’t think. He felt as though he’d just been blindsided at center ice, and he was helpless to do anything as the world spun out of control around him.

“Mommy, I had a bad dream.”

He saw Nikki move toward the child, smooth a trembling hand over the little girl’s tousled blond hair.

Mommy.

Whatever he’d expected when he’d returned to Fairweather, he hadn’t expected this.

Nikki had a child.

He shook his head. He couldn’t believe it. He didn’t want to believe it. But the relationship between the woman and the child was obvious, and triggered a multitude of other questions in his mind. Whose? When? And most heart wrenching of all—how could she have betrayed him in such a way?

Nikki didn’t spare him a glance as she crouched down beside the little girl. “What did you dream about, sweetie?”

“I don’t ’member.” Her bottom lip quivered. “I just woke up an’ I was scared.”

“It’s okay,” Nikki soothed, wrapping her arms around the child. “Mommy’s here.”

It’s been five years. A lot of things have changed in that time.

Her words echoed in his mind. Obviously a lot of things had changed, more than he ever would have expected.

Nikki had told him she’d never married again, and he’d mistakenly assumed that meant she’d never loved anyone else. The existence of this child proved otherwise.

The pain of knowing she’d been with another man, loved another man, was like losing her all over again. It was a betrayal of everything they’d shared, of all that they’d meant to each other.

You were the one who wanted the divorce.

Dammit, he hadn’t wanted the divorce. He hadn’t wanted anything more than he’d wanted to be with Nikki. But his career had made that impossible, and he couldn’t bear to see how much their separation hurt her.

So he’d said goodbye; he’d walked away. And she’d found someone else. As he stared at the blond head nestled against Nikki’s shoulder, the realization simply shattered him.

Somehow sensing his perusal, the little girl turned. The initial shock of hearing her call Nikki “Mommy” was nothing compared to the impact he felt when the child looked at him through eyes that were the mirror image of his own.

Colin grasped the railing behind him for support as a whole new wave of emotions washed over him. The most overwhelming, and the most unexpected, of them all was joy. Pure, unadulterated joy filled his heart as he stood face-to-face with his child.

His child.

There was absolutely no doubt in his mind, not the slightest hint of uncertainty in his soul. This beautiful little girl was his daughter.

She, however, obviously had no clue about his identity, because she turned to her mother and demanded, “Who’s that?”

Nikki looked from the child to him, her teeth sinking into the soft fullness of her bottom lip in what he recognized as one of her nervous gestures.

Colin waited for her response, silently daring her to deny what was now so painfully clear.

“This is—” she cleared her throat “—Uncle Shaun’s brother.”

Uncle Shaun’s brother.

The words were a double-edged sword—slashing through him with the denial of his parental relationship and the startling realization that his brother had been privy to the deception.

The child tipped her head back to study him more carefully. “Are you my uncle, too?”

At another time, Colin might have been impressed by her deductive reasoning. Now, however, he was too stunned to speak.

“Colin, can you, uh, just give me a minute? Please.”

He heard the plea in Nikki’s voice, the desperation.

He wanted an explanation and he wanted it now. After more than five years, he didn’t want to wait another minute. The numbing shock that had settled over him earlier had been supplanted by bubbling hot fury. He wanted to shout, to rage, to demand. He wanted to shake Nikki, as he’d been shaken by this revelation. But he knew that the worst thing he could do right now was confront his ex-wife about her lies in front of their daughter.

He nodded tersely.

“Come on, Carly.” Nikki put an arm around the child’s shoulders, pointedly ignoring her earlier and still unanswered question. “Mommy will tuck you back into bed.”

Colin watched them walk back into the house together, unable to tear his attention away from his little girl.

He’d never given much thought to the possibility of having a family. But faced with the indisputable evidence that he had a child, there was no doubt in his mind that he needed a chance to be her father. A real father—the kind of dad he’d never had.

Unfortunately, he wasn’t sure he’d get that chance. He was on the run, hiding out from someone who wanted him dead. How could he pursue any kind of relationship under those circumstances? How could he expect to be her father when he might have to leave town without a moment’s notice?

This time he did hear the creak of the screen door, and he turned as Nikki came back out onto the porch. Tension radiated from her slight frame in waves, but she faced him defiantly. “Her name’s Carly. She’s four-and-a-half years old.”

“She’s mine,” Colin said.

It was a statement rather than a question, but Nikki nodded anyway. “Yes.”

“Why didn’t you tell me?”

She looked at him, her eyes filled with sadness and regret, but she didn’t respond.

He slammed his fist against the wooden post, and Nikki flinched. “Dammit, Nicole. Why didn’t you tell me?”

He caught a glimpse of tears in her eyes before she averted her gaze.

“I think I deserve some answers.” Colin’s voice practically vibrated with tightly restrained anger. He didn’t care. He figured he was well within his rights to be angry, and the fury was more tolerable than the fear that had followed him across the country and easier to deal with than the inexplicable longing to take her in his arms.

Nikki drew in a deep breath, nodded stiffly again.

“It’s been more than five years, and you never said a word. Not one-single-goddamned word.”

A single tear slipped onto her cheek, trailed slowly downward. “I’m sorry. I never wanted you to find out this way.”

“Or maybe you never wanted me to find out at all.”

She shook her head. “I wanted to tell you—I was going to tell you.”

“You’re five years too late.”

“No.” She managed to glare at him through her tears. “You’re five years too late.”

There was just enough truth in her words to infuriate him. “Don’t try to blame this on me. You should have told me as soon as you found out you were pregnant. Or didn’t you know at the time that it was my baby?”

He wouldn’t have thought it was possible, but her already pasty cheeks paled further.

“There was never any doubt,” she said softly. “But if that’s what you think of me, then maybe it doesn’t matter what I did or should have done.”

“Maybe it doesn’t,” he agreed callously.

Nikki managed to hold back the tears until Colin had stormed off. She listened to the slam of the car door, the gunning of the engine, the squeal of tires as he pulled out of the driveway. She waited until his vehicle was out of sight before she went back inside, then she tiptoed up the stairs to check on her sleeping daughter.

She brushed the soft curls back from her forehead, then pressed a gentle kiss to one rosy cheek. Carly didn’t even stir. Whatever unpleasant dreams had disturbed her slumber earlier had obviously been banished, and she slept deeply now, contentedly.

Of course, she had no idea that her life as she’d always known it was about to change.

Or maybe not.

Colin had been shocked to learn that he had a child; he was furious that Nikki hadn’t told him about their daughter. But maybe, once he had some time to think about it, he’d decide there was no place in his life for a child. Maybe this revelation would inspire him to leave town as unexpectedly as he’d returned—forever this time.

Nikki sighed, knowing in her heart that although Colin’s disappearance might be the easiest solution to the problem, it wasn’t what she wanted for Carly. Despite the emotional scene on her porch, she was glad he’d come back, relieved he finally knew.

There had been so many times over the years when she’d wanted to call him, so many times she’d wanted to share her feelings—her hopes and dreams for their child, so many milestones she’d wished he’d been a part of.

She slipped from the room, closing the door softly behind her, and for the first time since Carly was born, she allowed herself to cry for everything she and Colin had lost. Everything their daughter had missed out on by not having her daddy in her life.

When Arden came home a short while later, Nikki’s tears were finally spent. Her cousin dropped a copy of the Fairweather Gazette on the coffee table before sitting beside Nikki on the sofa. “I guess I don’t have to ask if you’ve seen him.”

Nikki shook her head.

“What happened?”

“He showed up here and Carly decided to make an impromptu appearance.”

Arden winced. “Not the best way he could have found out.”

“I know. And I know you warned me.” For the past five years, Arden had been trying to convince Nikki to contact Colin, to tell him about their daughter.

But she still believed she’d done the right thing.

Colin had made it clear that he’d wanted out of their marriage, he’d wanted to sever the ties that held them together. And a marriage was little more than a piece of paper, a legal institution. A child was flesh and blood, a lifelong responsibility. The last thing Nikki had wanted was to use their baby to try to hold on to him. She’d loved him too much to settle for less than his love in return.

“Are you okay?” Arden asked gently.

She grabbed another tissue and wiped her nose. “This morning, I thought I was in complete control of my life. Then Colin showed up and turned everything upside down.”

“You had to know he’d come back sometime.”

“I used to think he would,” she admitted. “For the first year after he’d gone, every time there was a knock at the door, I was half hopeful, half afraid, that it might be Colin. Then, as the weeks turned into months, and the months into years, I was less certain. With each passing day it became more apparent that he wasn’t coming back, until I’d convinced myself that he never would.”

“But now he has.”

“Yeah.”

“How did he react?”

“He thought…” She hesitated, surprised by how much it hurt to replay Colin’s words in her mind. She could still see the accusation in his eyes, hear the challenge in his voice. “He thought I hadn’t told him because I didn’t know if he was the father.”

“Oh, Nic.” Arden wrapped her arms around her. “You know he didn’t mean that. He’s hurting, and he lashed out. It’s a normal reaction.”

She gave a short, bitter laugh. “There’s nothing normal about this situation.”

“Give him some time.”

Somehow Nikki didn’t think any amount of time would diffuse Colin’s anger. “You have no idea how much I wish I could turn the clock back.”

“He had to be told.”

“I know.” She sighed regretfully. “I just wish I’d actually told him.”

Colin drove for a long time after he’d left Nikki’s house. Although a part of him wished he’d stayed and forced Nikki to give him the answers he needed, another part—maybe the more rational part—recognized that his emotions were running too close to the surface to be able to have a civilized conversation with her right now.

Instead, he got into his car and drove. It was a habit he’d acquired as a teenager—a way of venting steam after one or another blowup with his father—and one that was usually successful in helping him gain perspective on an issue.

Unfortunately, he was sure he could drive all the way to Texas and back and still not gain any perspective in this matter. He tried to sort out his feelings, but everything was so jumbled up inside he didn’t know where to begin. He didn’t know how he felt, how he was supposed to feel in the face of Nikki’s revelation. Mostly, he felt betrayed by the only woman he’d ever trusted with his heart.

It’s been five years. A lot has changed in that time.

Her words echoed in his mind again. She was right. A lot of things had changed—Nikki had changed. The woman he’d known, the woman he’d loved, would never have kept such a secret from him.

He still couldn’t believe she’d had a child and never told him about it.

Not just a child.

Their child.

He winced, remembering the absolute devastation he’d seen in Nikki’s eyes when he’d challenged her about not knowing the child’s paternity. He’d had no right to make such an accusation, no reason to believe she’d ever been unfaithful.

But how could she have done this to him?

Okay, so maybe he wasn’t completely innocent in this scenario. Maybe he shouldn’t have walked away from their marriage. But dammit, it wasn’t as if he’d known she was pregnant.

He scrubbed a hand over his face. Well, now he knew. But he didn’t know what he was going to do about it.

He didn’t know anything about being a father. His own had hardly been a shining example. Richard McIver had dedicated his life to the legal profession and nothing—not the woman he’d married nor the two sons she’d given him—had ever competed with his career. He’d been absent more than he’d been home, and disinterested in his children when he was around.

Now, with no warm-up, no practice, no preparation, Colin was a father.

Oh, hell. Who was he kidding? He was more of a sperm donor than a father. That was the extent of his involvement in his daughter’s life thus far. He knew nothing about her other than her age and her name. He didn’t know her birthday, her favorite color, her favorite toys.

And he didn’t know what she knew about him. What had Nikki told their daughter about her father? How had she explained his absence to their child? Did Carly hate him for not being around? Or did she understand why he hadn’t been part of her life? Did she even want a father, or would his sudden appearance be an unwanted complication?

The unfairness of the situation struck deep. It wasn’t just that he didn’t know anything about his child—he’d never been given a chance to know her. Nikki had deliberately and continuously kept the existence of their daughter a secret for almost five years. Even now, because of a disgruntled player and circumstances out of his control, he might not get a chance to stay in Fairweather long enough to know her.

He thought again of the Gazette and the possibility—remote though it seemed—that the article could compromise his cover. While a part of him welcomed the opportunity for a showdown with Parnell, a chance to end things once and for all, he wouldn’t risk that confrontation occurring where his child could get caught in the crossfire.

Whether by accident or design, as he pondered these issues he found himself driving down Meadowvale Street toward his brother’s house—the home in which they’d both lived as children. He and Shaun had been close at one time, but after he and Nikki split up, Colin had resolved to stay as far away from Fairweather and all reminders of his ex-wife as possible.

He knocked at the door, then waited with something close to apprehension for his brother to answer. He hadn’t been back since his father’s funeral, and he wasn’t sure he wanted to be here now.

“My prodigal brother finally returns.” Shaun’s quick smile took the sting out of his words before he enveloped his brother in a quick hug. “It’s good to see you.”

“You, too,” Colin told him, surprised by the sudden tightness in his throat.

“This family reunion calls for a celebration,” Shaun said, leading the way into the kitchen.

“You might not think so once you find out why I’m here.”

Shaun took a couple bottles of beer out of the fridge, twisted the cap off one and passed it to his brother, then did the same to his own. “You’ve seen Nikki,” he guessed.

“And my daughter.”

“Good.”

Whatever reaction he’d expected from his brother, this wasn’t it.

“I’m glad she finally told you.” Shaun moved toward the living room.

Colin managed a smile as he followed. “That isn’t exactly what happened.”

“Oh.” Shaun propped his feet up on the coffee table—something neither one of them would have dared to do while their father was still living. “What did happen?”

“Nikki and I were having a conversation about something else entirely when Carly walked in.”

“Well.” Shaun took a pull from his bottle. “That must have been a surprise.”

“To say the least,” Colin agreed.

“Then you and Nikki argued about it,” Shaun guessed.

He nodded.

“And you walked out.”

“Yeah,” he admitted.

“I can imagine how upset you must have been, but you’re going to have to talk to her if you want to work out a schedule for visitation.”

“I don’t want visitation,” Colin said, cringing at the implications of the word.

“What do you want?”

“I don’t know,” he admitted. He didn’t know anything about being a father, but he knew that he wanted to be a father—not just someone who passed in and out of his child’s life.

His brother shook his head. “That’s typical, isn’t it?”

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

“You never think things through, Colin. I know you’re pissed that Nikki didn’t tell you about Carly, but can you blame her?”

“Yes! I had a right to know that she was carrying my child.”

“And she had a right to expect that you’d honor the vows you’d made.”

“I did honor those vows. I never cheated on Nikki. I never even thought about another woman while we were together.”

“You weren’t even married a year.”

That was true, but what Shaun didn’t know was that it had been a long time after the divorce was final before Colin looked at another woman. Even then, it had been part of a conscious effort to forget about Nikki. A futile effort, he realized now. Because he hadn’t stopped thinking about her. Dreaming of her. Missing her.

He’d actually looked forward to receiving the final divorce papers, as if those pages could somehow eradicate his feelings for Nikki. Unfortunately, they’d failed to do so. Nothing had helped him get over his ex-wife.

The minute he’d seen Nikki striding across the parking lot, he’d known his feelings hadn’t dissolved with their marriage—they’d only been buried. It had taken just one glance to bring them back to the surface, one touch to have them churned up again. And when he’d kissed her, it was as if the five years apart had never happened, as if nothing had changed.

Except that everything had changed.

“I understand that you’re angry,” Shaun relented, “but—”

“I don’t think you can understand any of this. You didn’t just find out that you had a four-and-a-half year-old daughter.” Colin slammed his empty bottle down on the table. “Why would she keep something like this from me? Did she really think I would turn my back on my own child?”

“Nikki didn’t find out she was pregnant until after you’d told her your marriage was over.”

“I still had a right to know.”

Shaun sighed. “Why do you think I tried so hard to get you to come back here? Why do you think I made those outrageous demands in the settlement negotiations with your lawyer?”

“Because you were acting on your client’s instructions,” Colin guessed.

“Nikki didn’t want anything from you,” Shaun told him. “But I thought—I’d hoped—that you’d come back here and demand to know why she was being unreasonable. Then she would have had to tell you about the baby she was expecting.”

Colin shook his head, only now beginning to understand what he’d previously seen as his brother’s betrayal. “My lawyer told me not to sign that agreement. But the money didn’t matter to me, and I figured it was the least I could do to compensate Nikki for messing up her life.” In fact, he would have paid ten times as much in the hope that the financial settlement might assuage his guilt. It hadn’t.

“She’s never touched a dime of it,” Shaun confided. “It all went into a trust account for Carly.”

This revelation didn’t change the basic facts of the situation; it didn’t absolve his brother of culpability. Shaun had been a party to Nikki’s deception for the past five years—the two people he’d been closest to had betrayed him.

“How could you keep this from me?” he wondered aloud. “How could you not tell me I had a child?”

“It wasn’t my place to tell you. And Nikki was my client—”

“I’m your brother.”

“I couldn’t disclose information provided to me in my capacity as legal—”

“Spare me the speech on attorney-client privilege. You haven’t billed Nikki for every conversation you’ve had over the past five years.”

Shaun sighed. “I know she wanted to tell you.”

Colin raked his hands through his hair again. He’d been back in Fairweather less than forty-eight hours, and already his life bore little resemblance to the one he’d left behind in Texas.

It had been Detective Brock’s suggestion that he get away, and Colin had been grateful to do so. He was tired of always looking over his shoulder, always wondering what might be around the next corner. He’d come back to Fairweather for some downtime, to talk to his ex-wife. His plans had been simple.

Now that he was here, it seemed he’d only exchanged one set of complications for another. Nothing was simple anymore.

“What’s she like?” he asked after a long pause. Then, to clarify—and to try the name out, “Carly.”

His brother smiled. “She has your eyes, and all of the famous McIver charm.”

Colin smiled, pleased to know there was something of himself in his daughter.

“Is she…is she happy?”

“She’s an incredibly happy and well-adjusted child.”

Colin cleared his throat, to ease the sudden tightness. “Maybe she doesn’t need a father,” he said. “Not a father like me, anyway.”

“What does that mean—a father like you?”

He pushed himself up from the chair. “Just that I don’t know anything about being a father. I know nothing—less than nothing, even—about kids.”

“Most fathers are novices the first time around.”

“But…God, I’ve never even thought about having kids.”

“Well, you’d better start thinking about it,” his brother said practically. “Because you’ve got one now.”

“Did you…” Colin hesitated, almost afraid to finish the question. “Did you tell her not to tell me…about the baby?”

“No.” Shaun grinned. “In fact, I advised her to go after you for child support.”