Читать книгу Get Up - Bucky Sinister - Страница 10

I'm not sure why you're reading this book right now. Maybe someone who loves you and is concerned for you gave you this book. Maybe you picked it up because you're worried about yourself. Maybe you're already searching through 12-Step communities but feel like your needs aren't being addressed. Maybe you've been in a 12-Step program but don't like any of the literature. Whatever it may be, my goal is to help you move past your problems into the next phase of your life.

What I'm going to assume is that you don't fit in well with others. Maybe this is true; maybe it's how you feel about yourself. Regardless of the truth of the matter, you're not comfortable with the status quo. You're wary of being one of the herd. If everyone goes in one door, you want to go out the window. If everyone jumps off a cliff, you jump off a bridge. What I'm saying is, you may not be making the right decisions, but at least you're not making the same wrong decisions that everyone else is making. From this perspective, 12-Step programs are a scary place.

What I'm going to assume is that you don't fit in well with others.

At the beginning, everyone mumbles out the same prayer from memory. That's an auspicious start to any group meeting. You don't like prayers, you don't like group chantings. Everyone's sharing a brain, you think. This is the Borg. Is it some kind of weird cult? Then it gets worse.

Somebody says a name. Everyone, in unison, greets that person with the same greeting. That person talks, and tells some horrible story, during which the rest of the group laughs. What the fuck? What is so fucking funny? Then it gets worse.

How much coffee can these people drink? Halfway through this meeting, a good portion of the room got up to go outside and smoke, and they were smoking right before it started; isn't that an addiction too? Then it gets worse.

The guy who drives my shuttle bus every day just told the room that he's a horrible crack addict. He has six months clean . . . that means he was all cracked out driving me to work every day for years. Over there is the cranky guy from the corner deli. Is that my ex sitting in the front row? Dude, there are at least three bartenders in here right now.

All of this inner dialogue is normal. 12 Step is a little freaky at first. You'll see all kinds of people from your life, both dear friends and people you recognize from the neighborhood but don't really know. What you're going to have to get over is your preconception that these people have nothing to offer you, that they have nothing in common with you.

I've been around many different subcultures since the '80s. Punks, skinheads, Goths, skaters, rockabillies, Wiccans, vegans, slam poets, comedians, break-dancers, bikers, hip-hop thugs, gangstas both real and self-imagined. Inside each of these subcultures are even smaller subcultures: anarchists, animal rights activists, tech geeks, graffiti artists. I've been close by many of these groups but never felt like I was fully a part of any of them.

I've been around many different subcultures since the '80s . . . but never felt like I was fully a part of any of them.

When it comes down to it, I'm a loner. Lonerism is a self-inflicted lifestyle. I isolate from others. If I find out that I'm fitting into a group, I find reasons that I don't fit so I can feel left out. I use my skepticism and cynicism to distance myself from the group mentality. It's saved me from joining gangs, mobs, and groups that would not be good for me; it has also kept me from developing the close relationships that I needed to grow as a person. No matter whether the group accepts me or not, I don't accept that I'm a part of it.

People who can readily accept being part of a group will take to 12-Step recovery much faster. Those who don't question the immediate help and friendship offered by the group will embrace the overwhelmingly positive parts of the program. It's a secure feeling to them that there are rooms full of people willing to help in nearly every capacity. But for you, You-Who-Do-Not-Fit-In, it's going to take some work. This book is for you.