Читать книгу Our Fragile Hearts - Buffy Andrews - Страница 12

Chapter 2

Mary

I made a cup of Earl Grey and called a cleaning agency to see about getting some help. I’d finally broken down after all these years and decided it was time. It’s not that I couldn’t afford to hire help; it was a matter of pride, I suppose. I’d lived in this house for more than fifty years and had always been able to take care of it. Inside and out. But I couldn’t any longer. It’d been in James’s family for more than a century. I thought we’d have children and that we’d pass it on to them. But that was before I knew about James.

I remembered the first time I’d seen this house. It was the most beautiful house I’d ever been in. Grander than I’d even imagined it would be. Mahogany and marble. Rooms full of antiques. Rich tapestries and the finest accessories. It seemed such a shame that a successful man like James lived alone in this big old house. His parents, whom he had lived with, had died in a tragic car accident the year before.

James and I had been dating a few months. He was my father’s business partner and to please my father and keep peace in the house, I agreed to date James. He was twenty-five years older than me and nice enough, but he wasn’t Teddy. I never felt any tingle when I was with James like I felt when I was with Teddy.

Anyway, James had taken me on a tour of the house. When we got to the master bedroom, I thought maybe he’d want to do more than kiss. That’s all we ever did and I was beginning to think he might want to do a little more. But he didn’t. He just continued to show me the house. I thought he was such a gentleman, not taking advantage of me when he clearly could have. And despite not loving him, my respect for him grew.

As James led me on a tour, I began to imagine living in the house. I thought about what colors I’d paint the walls and how I’d decorate the rooms. Which room would be the best one for the nursery. Surely the one closest to the master bedroom. By the time we’d finished the tour, I had completely renovated the house and the grounds in my mind.

I smiled at the distant memories, trying to remember details that had faded over time. After I finished talking to the manager at the cleaning agency, I picked up the morning paper and walked into the solarium. This had become my morning routine. I did some volunteering a few days a week and kept a couple days open for appointments. Today was an appointment day. I’d scheduled my annual check-up with my ob-gyn today. It was hard to believe at my age I still had to get regular check-ups.

I sat down on my easy chair facing the large window that looked out over the beautiful gardens, filled with all my favorite trees and shrubs and flowers. The day was bright and sunny and I noticed a few birds eating from the feeder I’d placed near the window. I opened the paper to the obituary page. It was always the first page I read, mostly because it seemed like more and more people I knew were ending up there.

I scanned the names on the page. When I saw June’s name, I gasped. June was my best friend growing up. We’d lost touch years ago when Mother and Father sent me away to a maternity house to live with other young girls who had “got themselves in trouble.” June was the one who’d introduced me to Teddy, the only man I’d ever loved.

I walked over to the antique cherry sideboard sitting in the corner and opened the door. I reached in and took out my old diary. I patted the red and gold faux leather journal. Every once in a while I’d pull it out and read the entries I’d made a lifetime ago. It made me sad to remember what could’ve been so I didn’t do it often, but seeing June’s obituary stirred a need to remember that sliver of my past.

I’d never been happier than when I was with Teddy. He was the only man I ever loved and the only man I’d ever been with. Even after James died twenty years ago, I couldn’t bring myself to date. Oh, there were plenty of invites, but I felt it was too late for love. It was too late for a lot of things now. Like motherhood.

I opened my diary and began to read:

July 13, 1956

Dear Diary,

I saw you while Mother and I were shopping in the department store and begged her to buy you for me. My best friend, June, has a diary and I wanted one, too. It seems like every girl should have a diary, a place to share our secrets. I’ll have to keep you locked and hidden because Mother is nosey and sometimes goes through my things. I wish I had a brother or sister, someone else to share the burden of having a mother such as mine. She never lets me do anything. I’m the only girl I know who can’t date until she’s eighteen. But I have a plan. I’m going to sneak out of the house and meet June and Henry, who will park down the street and around the corner. Henry is June’s boyfriend. He’s a senior in prep school. Henry’s bringing a friend. My first date! I’ll let you know how it goes. I wonder if he’ll kiss me. I’ve never been kissed.

Love, Mary Katherine

I closed my tired eyes. I’d never forgotten the first time I saw Teddy. He wore a leather jacket, white T-shirt and jeans. And he was smoking. Chesterfields, I think. My heart fluttered just remembering the blind date. We went to the drive-in to see The King and I. Teddy and I sat in the back seat and he put his arm around me. He whispered in my ear and told me to relax. When I saw June put her head on Henry’s shoulder, I put mine on Teddy’s. It felt nice.

When Henry dropped June and I off, Teddy got out of the car. I remember standing on my tiptoes and stretching up and him leaning down. And then we kissed. I will never forget my first kiss and the way it made me feel like I was being tickled from the inside.

I flipped through the entries, reading no one in particular.

July 24, 1956

Dear Diary,

Mother and Father went to see Dean Martin and Jerry Lewis at the Copacabana Club so Teddy came to the house and picked me up in his T-bird. We went to the malt shop and Teddy bought me a vanilla shake. Then we drove around and Teddy took me to Lovers’ Point. We kissed. A lot. I like kissing Teddy, but I think he wants to do more. He started to unbutton my blouse but I stopped him. I’ll have to ask June what to do.

Love, Mary Katherine

August 4, 1956

Dear Diary,

I love Elvis’s new song, “Hound Dog.” Mother and Father don’t like his music. They prefer listening to Louis Armstrong, Ella Fitzgerald or Doris Day. Mother won’t stop singing “Que Sera, Sera.”

I didn’t get to see Teddy for a couple of days because he went with his parents to visit relatives in Maine. But he’s coming back tomorrow and I can’t wait. I might let him take my blouse off if he still wants to.

Love, Mary Katherine

August 22, 1956

Dear Diary,

Father and Mother are celebrating President Eisenhower and Vice President Nixon’s nomination for a second term in office. It’s all so boring if you ask me. Who cares about the Republican National Convention anyway? I’d much rather think about Teddy.

Love, Mary Katherine

September 9, 1956

Dear Diary,

June and I watched Elvis on “The Ed Sullivan Show.” When he sang “Love Me Tender” I thought I was going faint.

Mother walked in while he was performing “Ready Teddy” and yelled for Father. They were outraged by the way Elvis shook his hips, but June and I liked it.

I can’t wait until tomorrow. Teddy and I are going to our special place. It’s so special that I can’t even tell you. It’s tippy top secret. I talked to June and I think I’m ready to go the whole way with Teddy. I know he wants to even though he said he’ll wait. But he’s headed back to school and I don’t want to wait any longer. I just hope it doesn’t hurt like June said.

Love, Mary Katherine

I closed my diary and leaned back on the easy chair. I closed my eyes and pictured my and Teddy’s special place. It was in an abandoned cabin in the woods. Teddy was so gentle and made me feel so special. And even though it hurt, it wasn’t nearly as bad as I had imagined it would be. I lay in his arms a long time afterward and we talked about our dreams.

“So what do you want to be when you grow up?” I had asked.

He kissed the top of my head. “Your husband.”

I sat up and leaned down until I was staring him in the face. “Do you mean that?”

He lifted his head and kissed me. “Of course I mean it. You know I’ve never met anyone like you before. I’m crazy about you.”

I smiled and we kissed some more.

I lay back down. “So, besides my husband, what do you want to be?”

“Maybe a lawyer.”

“I hate lawyers,” I spit out.

“That’s only because your father is a lawyer and you hate him.”

“True. But I could never hate you.”

“So, what do you want to be, Mary?”

“A mother. I’ve always wanted to have lots of children. Five or six.”

“Five or six? That’s a lot of children. How about three? Maybe I’ll let you talk me into four.”

Teddy and I had agreed on four children that night and he never learned, as far as I knew, that I had one of them.