Читать книгу Confessions Of A Domestic Failure - Bunmi Laditan - Страница 10
ОглавлениеVisualize what you want out of your mommy life. Just because you’ve had kids doesn’t mean you can’t live the reality of your dreams. My five children, beautiful husband and I take two tropical beach vacations a year thanks to the power of intention.
—Emily Walker, Motherhood Better
I was shaking off the predatory playdate. I needed to move on. I needed to put my energy elsewhere.
Wishes For My Fairy Godmother.
- Take 25lbs off of my body. Not boobs or butt, please, and not via some playdate marketing scam
- Give them to Suzy Wexler (kidding)
- Make sure Aubrey grows up to be happy, healthy and safe (move that to the top)
- Make me a great housewife
- World peace (move that to second place)
- End famine (move this up, too)
- Delete Facebook.com
- Pass a law that all boxes of diapers should be accompanied with a Buy One Get One Free coupon for a bottle of wine
- Make me a nicer wife
- Remove all calories from wine but keep taste intact
- Organize my house
Impossible Goal of the Day: Improve my grocery shopping.
Speaking of the power of intention, I ran to the market today and actually took a list with me.
Grocery List
Kale (For Emily Walker’s famous kale, quinoa, and fat-free feta salad with pomegranate vinaigrette.)
Quinoa.
Fat-free feta (Even though fat-free cheese should be illegal.)
One pomegranate.
Blueberries.
Radishes.
Organic milk (In Motherhood Better, Emily says regular milk can cause toddlers to go through puberty.)
Eggs.
Flour.
Butter.
Cream of tartar (For baking, because I’m going to start doing this any minute now.)
Cherries.
Apples.
Celery.
Chicken.
Oats.
Toilet paper.
Cheese.
Tomatoes.
Onions.
Red peppers.
Here’s what I bought:
Kale (For rotting in the fridge. Let’s be real—I’m never going to make that salad.)
Quinoa (I have no idea how to cook this. Is it rice? Is it pasta? Nobody knows.)
A pomegranate (For watching dry out in the fruit bowl over the next several weeks.)
I didn’t buy the fat-free feta. It felt wrong.
Organic milk.
Eggs.
Cookie dough.
Honey Nut Cinnamon Crunch cereal.
A pound cake.
Toilet paper.
Gum.
Sugar-free fake strawberry poison liquid drink mix (for weight loss.)
6-pack glazed doughnuts.
Hot dogs (for snacking.)
Frozen Tater Tots.
Apples.
Cherries.
Strawberries.
Frozen onion rings.
Tortilla chips (for unexpected guests.)
Nacho cheese dip (also for guests.)
3 tank tops.
2 pairs black pants.
Running shoes.
Workout DVD.
Water bottle.
Ice cream.
Someone told me they named it “pound cake” because it contains a pound of butter. I prefer to think it’s just honest labeling: you gain a pound per slice. But on the bright side, butter contains milk, which contains calcium, so in a small way, pound cake is helping fortify my bones. I also always eat pound cake with strawberries, which contain minerals and vitamin C.
Confession: I hadn’t showered in four days and I was kind of okay with it. That’s what deodorant is for, right? Right now, I had six layers of Lady Smells Bad antiperspirant on my underarms. It’s strong enough for a man but pH balanced for a mom who can’t find the time to wash her privates.
I smelled like a cross between sheets that were put away wet and very expensive cheese.
I checked my bank statement after this “grocery” shop, and do you know what stood out? Every third line was either for vanilla lattes or Burger Central. The only two food groups I consumed were caffeine and fast food. It wasn’t my fault, though. Junk food and caffeine were all that were keeping me going. I needed these treats to make it through the day. I didn’t get to sleep anymore, there was no “me” time, I didn’t have friends—the value menu, sweet caffeinated beverages and wine were currently pleasure central and I would not apologize for it. My pants might, though, because they were stretched to capacity.
PS: Emily would announce the twelve Motherhood Better Bootcamp winners on her show in a couple of days. She said they received over 7,000 entries. Please fairy godmother, come through for me.
11 P.M.
Motherhood is an ashram; our religion is love, diaper changes and sleepless nights. This begins with pregnancy. Speak to and dance with your unborn baby every day—preferably to music that features either harps or Tibetan gongs.
—Emily Walker, Motherhood Better
Fun fact: Did you know that some women take their placenta home with them after giving birth? Some send it away to be freeze-dried into capsules and others eat it raw, like sashimi...supposedly it helps balance out the hormones and make you feel like a normal person again faster.
I was on the Mommy Chat online message board complaining about how tired and emotional I always am, as one does on a Friday night post baby, and someone asked if I’d eaten mine. I said no, and she responded with, “That explains everything.”
Really? So motherhood would be easier for me if I’d just cooked up the afterbirth like Bolognese and served it over linguini with a side of garlic bread?
Joy’s neighbor buried her placenta in their backyard under a tree. If you bury a placenta under an apple tree, are the fruits then an apple/placenta hybrid? If you bury it in a vineyard, would the wine have hints of afterbirth?
Sommelier in a fancy restaurant: “This full-bodied pinot grigio hails from Napa Valley. It was aged in maple oak barrels. You’ll notice hints of elderberry and subtle notes of the placenta of a seven-pound six-ounce child.”
Maybe I should have kept my placenta. The birthing center offered, but between figuring out how to install the car seat, heal my broken vagina and oh, yeah, trying to wrap my mind around the fact that a human baby was coming home with me, I’d felt like I had enough on my plate (no pun intended).
I was fascinated by the thing, though.
It was way bigger than I thought it would be. In my mind I imagined a pork chop but it was more like a blobby T-bone steak. It had all kinds of veins on it. An old high school friend on Facebook dipped her wet, bloody placenta into red paint and threw it against a canvas. The art now hangs in her family room.
No comment.
If I had taken my placenta, what would I have brought it home in? A freezer bag? Do they put it in a to-go box like restaurant leftovers? Wrap it in foil or maybe drop it into a Styrofoam box complete with utensils, and salt and pepper packets?
Mom to nurse: “Can I have this wrapped up? I’m taking it with me.”
There was a whole section of the Mommy Chat website, I was discovering now, dedicated to placenta recipes. Smoothies, cakes, even stir fry. STIR FRY. Bok choy, onions, bean sprouts and thinly sliced placenta. Maybe a little Chianti on the side?
This was way too much for me. I should go to bed.
The contestants chosen for the Motherhood Better Bootcamp program would be announced tomorrow live on the show. If I hear my name I am going to absolutely freak.
