Читать книгу A Single Dad To Heal Her Heart - Caroline Anderson - Страница 11

SHE DIDN’T MEAN it like that.

Obviously she didn’t mean it like that, but the idea was in his head now, the thought of his body buried deep inside hers flooding his senses and driving him crazy.

He closed the kitchen door, put the tea towel back into the freezer, switched the kettle on again and then dropped his head against the cupboard above and growled with frustration.

What was wrong with him today? First the kiss, now this?

For the first time since Juliet, he wanted a woman. Not just any woman, but Livvy, apparently, and the thought wouldn’t leave him alone.

All he could think about was peeling away her clothes and kissing every inch of her, touching her, stroking her skin, feeling the warmth of her body against his, the hitch in her breath as he touched her more intimately, the heat as he buried himself inside her—and he didn’t know how to deal with it.

Should he be feeling like this? It had been two years—two years and a week, to be exact—but was that long enough? He didn’t think so, but his body didn’t seem to agree with him.

What do I do, Jules? Where do I go from here? I’m not ready for this...

He heard a sound in the living room and opened the door. Livvy was limping across the room, hopping from one piece of furniture to the next and then leaning heavily on it as she hobbled.

‘Where are you going?’

‘I thought I’d go and lie down for a bit, then maybe pack?’

‘Let me give you a hand.’

‘I can manage.’

Stubborn woman.

‘Of course you can, but only until you run out of furniture.’

He reached her side, took her arm and slung it round his neck and wrapped his other arm round her waist, being careful of her ribs.

‘OK?’

She nodded, and as she took a step forward there was a sharp crack and she gasped.

‘Was that your ankle?’

‘Mmm. Ouch.’

They looked down and she flexed it gingerly. ‘Oh. It feels better—like something was hung up.’

‘Try putting some weight on it, but carefully.’

She did, and nodded. ‘Better. It’s still very sore, but that definitely feels better.’

‘OK, well, don’t push your luck and don’t try and weight-bear on it unnecessarily until you’ve had it X-rayed. Let’s get you to your room.’

When they reached the side of the bed he let go carefully and she eased away from him, taking all that wonderful warmth and softness with her. Just as well. Except that instead of sitting down, as he’d expected, she looked up at him, slid her arms round him and hugged him, bringing all that warmth and softness back into intimate contact with his starving, grateful, desperate body.

‘Thank you,’ she murmured.

His arms closed around her without his permission. ‘What for?’ he asked, his voice a little strangled.

‘Just being you. You’ve been great the last few days. It’s been so much fun—well, till I wrecked it.’

‘You didn’t wreck it.’

She tipped her head back and their eyes met. ‘Yes, I did. Stop being nice, Matt. I know I was an idiot.’

He laughed softly and kissed her without thinking.

Just a brief kiss, nothing passionate or romantic, but still the sort of kiss you’d give a lover, a partner. Someone you were intimate with. And he wasn’t intimate with Livvy, and wasn’t going to be. He wasn’t ready yet, and he had other commitments that had to take priority. Would always have to take priority.

So he straightened up, trying to distance himself when all he wanted was to topple her backwards onto the bed and make love to her, but her eyes had widened, and after an endless moment she reached up, pulled his head gently back down to hers and kissed him.

Properly, this time, her lips parting, her tongue tangling with his, reeling him in, sending his senses into freefall.

He wanted her.

Every cell in his body was screaming for it, for her, for the heat, the passion, the closeness. He could feel her body pressed against his, feel his roaring to life, the ache, the longing in both of them as he kissed her back with all the pent-up need of two years of loneliness and putting himself last.

And then abruptly she let him go and sat down on the bed out of reach.

‘Is that your phone?’

Phone?

The ringtone was almost drowned out by his pounding heart, but it dragged him savagely back to reality.

‘Um—yeah. Yeah, it is.’

He pulled it out of his pocket, slightly dazed, took a step back and turned away, clearing his throat and groping for a normal voice.

‘Hi, Sam. Are you done?’

‘Yes—we’ve just reached the track. How’s Livvy?’

Kissing me...

‘She’s fine. I don’t think it’s broken. I’ll come and get you.’ He put the phone back in his pocket and turned back to her without meeting her eyes. ‘That was Sam,’ he said unnecessarily. ‘I’m going to get them. Will you be OK?’

‘Of course I will. You go. I’ll see you later.’

He nodded, his heart pounding, his body screaming for more, his head all over the place.

What was going on with him? How could he want her so badly?

He had no idea, but he didn’t have time to deal with it now, and maybe never. Stifling regret, he picked the keys up and walked out.

They loaded the car after lunch, did a final sweep of the lodge for missed possessions and set off on the six-hour drive back to Suffolk. She was in the front beside Ed to give her room to stretch her foot out, and Matt was behind her with Sam and Beth, with Lucy, Dan and Vicky in the rear.

She sighed quietly, and Ed shot her a searching look.

‘Are you OK?’

She nodded. ‘Yes, I’m fine. Well, apart from feeling guilty for getting the best seat and ruining everyone’s day.’

‘You do a lot of that. Feeling guilty. You don’t need to, at least not around me. It took you and Matt out and distracted Sam enough that Beth and I won, so I’ve got no beef with you,’ he told her with a grin, then his smile gentled. ‘Livvy, why don’t you just close your eyes and rest? You’ve had a tough day.’

She nodded, wishing again that she hadn’t fallen, that she hadn’t kissed Matt again in the bedroom and made things awkward, that she was sitting beside him and taking advantage of the last few hours they had together, instead of being in the front with a damaged ankle and a feeling that she’d overstepped the mark with that kiss.

Would he want to see her again? Maybe, maybe not. If his phone hadn’t rung, what would have happened? Would they have made love? Maybe, and that surprised her because she didn’t do that sort of thing. It hadn’t even been on her radar for the last five years, but she’d never fallen into bed with someone she knew so little and certainly not after only three days of casual flirting, but maybe he didn’t do that sort of thing either, because when Sam had called him, he couldn’t get out fast enough. Had she read him wrong all weekend?

Highly likely, judging from his reaction, although he’d been with her all the way when they’d been kissing—or she thought he had. His body certainly had been, but maybe not his head.

Well, it didn’t matter, the moment was gone, the bullet dodged, and it was just as well because there were things he didn’t know yet—things she’d have to tell him before this went any further. If it was even going to, and she wasn’t sure she was ready for that.

Probably just as well his phone had rung, then.

* * *

What was wrong with him? Why was he reacting like this?

She was right in front of him, so close that the scent of her shampoo, so familiar now, was drifting over him and taunting him just like it had all weekend.

How could he want her like this? He didn’t even know her—and three days under Sam’s embargo of any personal information or discussion of life back home or in the hospital hadn’t helped with that at all. She was still an unknown quantity. And if he knew nothing about her apart from that she was Oliver’s daughter, she also knew nothing about him, about his life, his family, his motivations, his commitments.

He could have told her, could have broken the embargo and spilled his guts, but he hadn’t wanted to. If he was honest, he’d enjoyed the freedom of simply being himself, without all the baggage that went with it, but there was no way he could take it any further than a mild flirtation without her knowing a whole lot more about him. It wouldn’t be fair, it wouldn’t be honest, and there was a world of difference between being frugal with the truth and denying the most important things in his life.

And anyway, he had nothing to offer her, nothing that wouldn’t be an insult.

He rested his head back and closed his eyes, but she moved her head and the scent drifted towards him again and there was no escape.

Halfway back they stopped for a drink and a leg stretch. Ed and Sam swapped places, and yet again she wasn’t next to Matt, who was now right in the back, as far away from her as he could get. Why hadn’t he offered to drive? Was he avoiding her? Maybe, after that excruciatingly embarrassing remark she’d made, not to mention the way she’d kissed him afterwards. She still couldn’t believe she’d done it, it was so unlike her to take the initiative, and she’d probably embarrassed the life out of him. Oh, well, they’d be back soon and she’d see then if she was right or not.

Finally Sam pulled up in front of her house and Matt climbed out, retrieved her rucksack and helped her into her house, then paused on the doorstep looking troubled.

‘Will you be OK on your own?’

So he was avoiding her, or he’d offer to stay with her. Sucking up her disappointment, she straightened her shoulders and plastered a bright smile on her face. ‘Yes, I’m fine. I’ve got friends round the corner if I get stuck.’

‘You’re sure? No headache, no abdominal pain, no spinal issues? Numbness, tingling anywhere?’

She sighed. ‘Matt, I’m fine,’ she said patiently, and he gave a brief nod.

‘OK. Get checked over tomorrow, won’t you—or sooner if...?’

He hesitated a moment, his eyes locked with hers, and for a fraction of a second she thought he was going to kiss her, but then he smiled wistfully and reached out and touched her cheek, brushing it lightly with his knuckles. ‘It’s been a lot of fun. Thank you, Livvy. Take care.’

And with that he turned and walked down the path and got back into the car, and Sam pulled away, leaving her staring after them as they turned the corner and disappeared.

She closed the door with a sigh, hopped into her sitting room, lowered herself carefully onto the sofa and put her foot up.

So that was the end of that, then. So much for hoping something more might come of it. He could have stayed, or offered to come back after Ed had dropped him off, but he hadn’t, and all she could do was accept it. Not that she was looking for a relationship, in any way, but it would have been nice to be asked. Nice to be more than just fun.

Unless he was...?

Oh, idiot. He was married. Hence the guilt in his eyes, the reluctance, the harmless dalliance that didn’t break any vows but just made it a bit more fun.

That word again.

She rested her head back, closed her eyes and swallowed her disappointment. She was tired. Tired, confused and sore. That was all. And it wasn’t as if anything had really happened...

Her phone rang, and she answered it.

‘Hi, Dad. How’s things?’

‘Fine. How are you? How was the weekend?’

Confusing...

‘Great. I’m just back, actually. It was fabulous. Well, until this morning on the way up to Haystacks when I fell off the edge of a path and twisted my ankle.’

‘Ouch! Are you all right? How did you get down?’

Fast, but that wasn’t what he meant and she wasn’t telling them she could have tumbled all the way down to the bottom of the scree slope if it hadn’t been for the rock. ‘Carefully,’ she said with a wry laugh. ‘Two of the guys helped me back to the path, and then Matt carried me down. You know him, he’s one of your old registrars. Matt Hunter? He’s a consultant trauma surgeon at Yoxburgh, and he was my teammate.’

‘Matt? Wow,’ he said softly, something slightly odd in his voice that puzzled her. ‘How is he?’

Even more puzzling. ‘He’s fine. Why?’

‘I just wondered. I haven’t seen him since his wife died.’

She felt a slither of cold run down her spine. ‘His wife died?’ she said, her voice hollow, because she’d just worked out he was married, but he wasn’t, or at least not any more...

‘Yeah. Juliet, and they had two tiny children. She had a brain haemorrhage while we were at a conference, and she didn’t make it. I’m sure I told you about it. It must have been two years ago.’

That was Matt? She felt sick. ‘You did, I remember. Oh, that’s awful. I didn’t know it was him. So he’s got two little children?’

‘Yes, a boy and a girl. They were just babies, really. I suppose Charlie must be nearly three now, and I should think Amber’s about to start school, but it was desperately sad. He’s a really nice guy—friendly, funny, easygoing, but rock solid and utterly reliable. I’m sure he’s a brilliant father.’

Her heart ached for him. ‘I’m sure he is.’ And it explained the thing she hadn’t been able to identify that lurked in the back of his eyes, and the fact that, embargo or not, every night he’d disappeared for a few minutes.

To check the children were OK, and talk to them?

And it also explained why he’d left her this evening rather than come in, and why he’d looked torn about it. Not because he was married, but because he had two little people who would have been missing him.

‘So he seemed OK to you?’ her father was asking.

Had he?

‘Yes, absolutely fine—or I thought so. He didn’t say anything about it, but Sam had banned us from talking about home or work. It was all about having a clean slate and not making pre-judgements about each other, but I would never have guessed all that in a million years.’

‘No, I don’t suppose he’d show it, anyway. He probably wanted to leave it at home. I hear he’s an excellent surgeon. He showed huge promise nine years ago, so I’m not surprised he’s a consultant now. I think he was only about thirty-four or so when Juliet died, but he’d done a spell with the Helicopter Emergency Medical Service, and by the time she died he was a specialist registrar in a major London trauma unit, poised and ready for a serious consultancy. It’s a massive career change for him to move to sleepy Suffolk, but it’s obvious why he’s done it. I know his family are in the area. Give him our best wishes when you see him again, and tell him we often think about him.’

‘I will. So—talking of fathers,’ she said, changing the subject because frankly she needed time to let all that lot settle, ‘how are the plans for your sixtieth coming on?’

He laughed ruefully. ‘I have no idea. Your mother’s sorting that out, but I believe we’re having a marquee at home and a catered buffet and dancing. Jamie’s doing the playlist so goodness knows what the music’ll be like, and Abbie and your mother have chosen the menu but I have no idea what’s on it. To be honest I’m trying not to think about it because I don’t feel that old, so I’m in denial.’

She chuckled softly. ‘Well, if it’s any consolation, Dad, you don’t look it, either, so I’d enjoy your party and go with the flow. So what have you guys been up to over the weekend?’

* * *

He let himself in quietly, and found his mother dozing in the family room. He closed the door softly, and she stirred.

‘Hi, Mum. I’m home.’

Her eyes blinked open and she smiled. ‘Oh, hello, darling. I must have dozed off. Did you have a lovely time?’

He stooped and kissed her cheek and dropped onto the sofa beside her. ‘Great, thanks to you. How’ve they been?’

‘Fine, if a little wearing. Have you been worrying?’

He laughed softly. ‘Not really—not about them, more about being so far away. All the what-ifs. You know...’

‘Yes, of course I know. I knew you would be, but we’ve all been fine. They’ve been as good as gold all weekend. I’ve only just put them to bed but I’m sure they won’t mind if you wake them. I would have kept them up for you but they were shattered. They’ve been really busy. Amber’s drawn you hundreds of pictures, and Charlie’s helped me in the garden, and we’ve been to the beach and made sandcastles with the Shackleton tribe, and we went there on a play date this morning as well, which was nice. They’re lovely people.’

‘They are. And it was a godsend that Annie let Ed take their eight-seater car. Getting around up there wouldn’t have been nearly so easy without it, but poetic justice, he and his teammate won the challenge, which was good.’

‘Not your team?’

He smiled wryly. ‘No. My teammate hurt her ankle, but to be honest just being so far away from the kids was enough of a challenge. It was beautiful there, though, and I’m really glad I went. Anyway, I don’t want to hold you up, I expect you want to get home, don’t you?’

‘Don’t you want me to stay tonight? If I know you, you’ll want to be in early tomorrow.’

He shook his head, nothing further from his mind. ‘No. Tomorrow I want to get the kids up and spend at least a little time with them before I drop them at nursery, so feel free to go, Mum. You must be exhausted. I know I am.’

She smiled gratefully. ‘Oh, well, in that case...’

She kissed him goodnight and left, and he carried his luggage up, peeped round the corner at Charlie lying sprawled flat on his back across his bed, and went into Amber’s room. She was snuggled on her side, but the moment he went in her eyes popped open and she scrambled up, throwing herself into his arms as he sat on the bed.

‘Daddy!’

‘Hello, my precious girl,’ he murmured as she snuggled into him. He buried his face in her tangled hair and inhaled the smell of beach and sunshine and pasta sauce, and smiled.

It was so good to be home...

* * *

Her ankle felt better the next day.

Still sore, and she was definitely hobbling, but whatever that crunch had been it was better rather than worse. She went to work in her trainers because they were the only shoes that fitted comfortably, and the second Sam caught sight of her she was whisked into X-Ray to get it and her ribs checked out.

‘All clear,’ he said, sounding relieved. ‘Right, you can go home now.’

‘No, I can’t. I’m here to work.’

‘Seriously?’

‘Seriously. I’m fine.’

Sam sighed, shrugged and gave in. ‘OK, but sit when you can, take breaks and put it up whenever possible. You need a bit more support on it, I think. Is that strapping adequate?’

‘It’s fine. It’s really good. Matt knows his stuff. It feels OK.’

He rolled his eyes. ‘If you say so. I’m not convinced I believe you, but we’re short-staffed as usual so I’m not going to argue, but you’re in Minors—and the moment it hurts—’

‘Sam, I’ll be fine,’ she assured him, and he shrugged again and left her to it, so she went and picked up the first set of notes and found her patient, all the time wondering if Matt would be called down to the ED and if so, if he’d speak to her.

He wasn’t needed, but he appeared anyway just after one, to her relief, because after the initial rush in Minors it had all settled down to a steady tick-over and she had far too much time to think about him and what her father had told her.

She was standing at the central work station filling in notes when she felt him come up behind her. How did she know it was him? No idea, but she did, and she turned and met his concerned eyes.

‘Hi. I didn’t expect you to be here,’ he murmured. ‘How’s the ankle?’

‘Better, thanks. Your strapping seems to be working. It’s my mind I’ve got problems with. Sam’s put me in Minors,’ she told him, and she could hear the disgust in her voice.

So could he, evidently, because he chuckled softly.

‘Yeah,’ he said. ‘I rang him and asked how you were, and he told me you were cross you were out of Resus.’

She laughed at that, because it was sort of true. ‘I’m not really cross, and I know someone has to do Minors, but it’s gone really quiet and now I’m just bored.’

‘Shh, don’t say that, you never say that,’ he said, his eyes twinkling, and he glanced at his phone. ‘Have you had lunch?’

‘No. My fridge was pretty empty, and I don’t fancy chocolate or crisps out of the vending machine.’

‘Well, now might be a good time to make a break for it.’

‘Except I can’t get to the café easily. Walking from the car park was bad enough.’

‘Soon fix that,’ he said, and, glancing over his shoulder, he made a satisfied noise and retrieved an abandoned wheelchair.

She stared at it in horror. ‘You have to be joking.’

‘Not in the slightest. Sit down or I’ll put you in it.’

He would. She knew that perfectly well after yesterday, so with a sigh of resignation she sat in the wheelchair and Jenny, one of the senior nurses, nodded and grinned.

‘Well done, Matt.’

‘Don’t encourage him—and call me if you need me, Jenny. I won’t be long. And I can push myself,’ she said, reaching for the wheels.

‘No, you can’t, it’s not that sort of chair,’ he pointed out, and whisked her down the corridor, out of the side entrance and into the park.

Five minutes later they were sitting on a bench under a tree, armed with cold drinks and sandwiches. He patted his lap. ‘Put your leg up. I want to have a look at your ankle,’ he said, and she sighed.

‘If you insist,’ she said, but the moment her ankle settled over that disturbingly strong thigh she could have kicked herself. She should have put it on the wheelchair, because his hands were on it and it was distracting her, and she didn’t want to be distracted. She wanted to talk to him about what her father had said.

But he was probing it now, gently—or sort of gently, and she was distracted in a different way.

‘Ouch!’

‘Sorry. It feels swollen still. Are you sure you should be working?’

She rolled her eyes and ripped open her sandwich. ‘You’re as bad as Sam. You just want to fuss and cluck over me like a pair of mother hens.’

‘That’s why we’re doctors—an exaggerated sense of responsibility for the health of the nation. It’s nothing personal.’

Tell it to the fairies. His hand was resting on her leg now, his thumb idly stroking over her shin, and she wasn’t even sure he was aware of doing it. She solved the problem by removing her foot from his lap and propping it on the wheelchair like she should have done in the first place, and took a deep breath.

‘I spoke to my father last night and passed on your message,’ she told him tentatively, ‘and he asked me to send you their best wishes and said they think about you often. He spoke very fondly of you.’

‘Oh, bless them. They’ve been amazing to me. I haven’t seen them for ages, not since...’

He trailed off, but he didn’t need to finish the sentence because she knew.

‘He told me,’ she said softly. ‘About your wife. I’m so sorry. I had no idea.’

His smile was wry and a little twisted. ‘I think that was rather the point. No preconceptions. No baggage. And a dead wife and two motherless little children is a lot of baggage in anyone’s language.’

She winced at the frank, softly spoken words and looked away. ‘I can imagine. I’m really sorry. I wish I’d known. I wouldn’t have behaved like I did and I certainly wouldn’t have kissed you like that. I didn’t mean to offend you or overstep the mark.’

His hand reached out, his fingers finding hers. ‘I wasn’t in the least bit offended and you didn’t overstep the mark, Livvy. There was no mark, and there was nothing wrong with your behaviour. And anyway, I kissed you first, and I shouldn’t have done that, either. It was the first time I’d left the kids and gone any distance from home since—well, since then, and I just wanted to be me, you know? Not that poor guy whose wife died and left him with two tiny children, but just a man, someone who could be taken at face value.

‘I’m sick of being different, sick of people making concessions and tiptoeing round me and worrying about upsetting me. I nearly told you, but then I realised I didn’t want to because it would change everything, and I didn’t want it to change. I was enjoying myself, having simple, uncomplicated fun with no strings, no expectations, just a man and a woman working together to achieve a series of goals and having fun on the way. And it was fun, Livvy. I wouldn’t have changed any of it. Well, apart from you hurling yourself down the scree slope. That wasn’t great.’

She felt her eyes fill with tears, and blinked them away, because she’d felt the same, the freedom from the burden of people’s sympathy, everyone watching their words so they didn’t upset or offend or reopen the emotional wounds or poke the sleeping tiger. That was why hardly anybody at the Yoxburgh Park Hospital knew her medical history, and why she hadn’t told Matt.

‘I wouldn’t have changed any of it, either. Well, except that bit. You’re right, it was fun, but I guess we’re back now.’

He sighed quietly, then gave a wry huff of laughter. ‘Yes, we’re back. I know that. Amber insisted on sleeping with me last night, and Charlie woke up at four, crying because he’d wet the bed, so he ended up with me as well. Definitely back. And you know what? It feels good to be back, and I really missed them, but I’m very, very glad I went away, too, and I’m glad you were there with me.’

She smiled at him. ‘I’m glad, as well. Still, it’s over now.’ Odd, how that made her feel sad. Why should it? It wasn’t as if anything had really happened. Just a couple of kisses, some shared banter, the odd hug. How could she miss that so much?

‘It doesn’t have to be over,’ he said, after a long pause. ‘I’d still like to see you—not in a serious way, I’m not in the market for anything more than the odd snatched lunch break or a very occasional drink or a quick bite to eat, but it would be great to have that time with you. Not that you’re probably interested in such a trivial offering—’

‘Of course I’m interested,’ she said promptly, surprised that she was. ‘I’m not in the market for anything serious, but I’m happy to spend time with you as and when we can. And I don’t expect anything, Matt. I really don’t.’

He nodded then, his eyes softening into a smile. ‘Thank you.’

‘Don’t thank me. I’m relatively new here, I don’t know many people yet and I have plenty of time on my hands. Spending a little of it with you will be a pleasure. And talking of time, I ought to get back, but I’m glad I’ve seen you so I could pass on my father’s message. He spoke very highly of you, and he said your wife was a lovely person.’

A shadow crossed his eyes again, and he nodded. ‘She was. Thank you. That means a lot. He was a brilliant mentor and a good friend to me, and I owe him so much. Say hi for me when you speak to him.’

‘Say it yourself. I’m sure he’d love to hear from you.’

He nodded. ‘Maybe I will. Right, I’d better take you back before I have Sam on the phone asking why I’ve abducted one of their registrars, but give me your number first.’ He keyed it into his phone, and then hers jiggled in her pocket. ‘Get that?’

She nodded and smiled. ‘I’ll send you my father’s email address so you can contact him. And call me when you can, anytime you’ve got a gap in the chaos and you want to meet up.’

His eyes searched hers. ‘It’s going to be very random, Livvy. Are you sure you’re OK with that?’

She nodded, although she wasn’t entirely sure what he was really offering in those random moments. Friendship? Or more? An affair? Although that might take more than the occasional coffee break, even if you were desperate.

And she wasn’t that desperate, she really, really wasn’t.

Was she?