Читать книгу The Dating Game - Carolyn Caterer - Страница 4

Date #1: Ian

I don’t think anyone ever looks quite like their photo, but at least I could recognise Ian from the one displayed on the website and aided by the fact that he was the only single man standing by the revolving doors and constantly checking his texts.

As I walked across the car park I could see that he was conservatively dressed in dark brown trousers, black slip-on shoes, which had probably never seen a tin of polish, but I suppose that is not unusual these days, and a shirt that looked like it had seen better of days, hiding underneath a battered brown leather jacket. His dark brown hair had a tousled look, but I decided this was more due to the gusts of air that blew out every time one of the automatic doors opened and closed, as opposed to any effort on his part. His complexion suggested that he spent more time indoors than out and I wondered how much we would have in common.

He had a firm handshake, which I decided was a good start as one of the things that can really put me off a man is a handshake whereby their hand resembles a bowl of blancmange and I have to make every effort not to visibly cringe or say ‘eugh’ out loud. We headed to the coffee area, found a table in remarkably quick time, but that may have been on account of the fact that most of the people in there were still in shopping mode, got our coffees and then started the conversation, initially talking about the website and how long we had been on it. Not too difficult at all really.

This arrangement did rather strike me as being rather like a wrestling match where each opponent prowls around the other with a series of innocuous moves until one finally decides to get things moving with a sudden strike. I wasn’t sure that I wanted it to take this form unless I was the one to get in first. We chatted happily away for about twenty minutes and, while I wasn’t exactly worshipping at his feet, I was quite relieved that I hadn’t needed to check for the nearest exit, and then it started……

“So Ian how long have you been looking for lurve?” (Said with what I thought was a mischievous, yet endearing grin)

“About a year now, ever since I split up with my ex”

“And how has it been for you?”

“Quite disappointing really – no one so far has lived up to her and what we had” (Already my warning siren is starting to beep quietly).

“And do you live on your own in your house?”

“Yes, ever since my ex left me”

“Is it a nice house?”

“Well it will be, once I have finished installing the new kitchen”

“How fabulous. I must admit that I am considering a new kitchen at some point in the next year or so and I just love to hear about what people are doing with theirs. I hear that the cottage look is coming back, but I suppose it all depends on what the style of your house is and, being a man you may be into the clean dark look , you know , all shiny and minimalist. Tell me, where did you get it from?”

“Oh it belongs to my ex – she’s got a new kitchen for her new place so I’m having the one she’s taking out as it is in good shape”

“Right. Very generous of her…… been on any holidays recently?” I couldn’t carry on with this kitchen question with every sentence that was coming from his lips mentioning this ex. My warning siren was beeping a little more loudly and part of me wanted to cut my losses and run, but it had taken me quite an effort to get this first date and I wasn’t one for giving in at the first sign of a challenge, so I decided a change of subject would be the best strategy. I awaited his response with interest and, to be honest, a fair dollop of smugness at the way I was handling the conversation so far.

“No, I was planning to go to Italy but that was the last place I went with my ex so I don’t really feel like going back there at the moment”

“OK. How about sport – do you like watching or playing anything in particular like football, F1, rugby, cricket?” Despite the warning siren in my head beeping more loudly and urgently I was determined to give him another chance and, knowing that many women have no interest in sport, I felt I had to be onto a good subject here with him unable to refer back to his ex.

“I don’t watch any sport as I don’t have a TV”

“But you work for Sony how can you not have a television, isn’t that contrary to company policy?!” I was actually even more impressed at my witty repartee, bearing in mind he was actually becoming quite hard work with his short and negative replies, but I wasn’t giving up yet. I sneaked a glance at my watch and realised a mere thirty minutes had passed, which meant that I had a fair way to go before I reached my target of spending an hour in his company.

“I did have a television, but I let my ex take it when she moved out”

At that stage I was beginning to wonder if he could hold a conversation on any subject without mention of the ex or the “Sainted One” as she was now appearing in my head. Mind you I think she must have been a saint to have put up with a man who was rapidly becoming one of the dullest men I have ever had coffee with. He appeared to be making very little effort when it came to answering my questions, so I sat in silence to tempt him to ask me something about myself.

I looked directly at him and raised my right eyebrow in what I hoped was an encouraging and expectant manner, so that he would come up with a question for me, or say anything to keep the conversation moving.

Silence descended over us. I refused to look away willing Ian to make some effort to engage me in conversation. Instead he focussed on his empty coffee cup with such intensity that I began to wonder if he would be more happy holding a conversation with a piece of china than he would me.

After another minute or so of excruciating silence, I had had enough. I decided that I had run out of patience and conversation. It was time to make my exit, so I looked at my watch and then back at him with a surprised expression.

“Goodness me, is that the time, I promised I would go and see my Mum and she will be wondering where I am if I don’t get there soon. Thanks ever so much for meeting me but I really must go”

I stood up and shook his hand (at this point I want to give you potential internet-daters a little tip; shaking hands in the M&S cafeteria is designed to make about eighty people turn around and stare, as it is quite a rare sight and by now it seemed obvious to me that they had all worked out that we didn’t know each other at all and our cover was blown).

“Nice to meet you to. Have a nice time at your Mum’s”

I put on my coat and tried to walk out the store, as opposed to run out like an Olympic sprinter, which believe me, was tempting. I felt I was gasping for oxygen after all the effort it had taken to talk to him and that I had invested a fair bit of time and effort on someone who was completely stuck in the past with his ex-girlfriend. I even began to wonder if he would have been happier if his ex had come along with him to meet me, he seemed to be so lost without her and not at all in the frame of mind for finding someone new.

I sat in the car and sent a quick text to my girlfriends with one word that summed it up:

DIRE!

Then I turned the key in the ignition and headed out of the car park as fast as I could and made my way back home.

*****************************************************

Erica munched thoughtfully on her chocolate digestive, while I gave her the full account of my meeting with Ian and how frustrated I felt about it all.

“OK so I accept that wasn’t the best start. However let’s look at it this way; it was only your first internet date, so you have nothing to compare it to.”

“What, are you trying to cheer me up by saying that there could be worse dates out there?!!”

“Well, no of course not. However you had no idea about the ex issue, so maybe it would be a good idea to establish early on in the emails exactly how long it is since they have split up. That way you can eliminate the ones with too much recent baggage to be a potential suitor”

“Jane Austen would be proud of you Erica.”

“Well you know what they say about the course of true love and it took Matt five years to see the light and propose to me”

“Yes I know but you did meet when you were in your twenties!!”

“OK I get your point but, tell me honestly Jen, do you wish that you were with any of your exes?”

“No” I sighed. “It wouldn’t have worked out with any of them, I am sure about that. I don’t have any regrets, but boy, had I seen the future I would have perhaps made a bit more of an effort to meet a more suitable man than the ones that I have attracted so far.”

“Well there is no point beating yourself up about the past. We are going to concentrate on the present and the future only and find you the perfect guy”

“The perfect guy is a myth, he doesn’t exist or if he does he’s been bagged already”

“Ok let’s reframe that and make it the perfect guy for you.”

“God Erica, you can tell you’ve been reading a bunch of self-help books recently. Has business been a bit slow in the shop of late?!”

“Actually we have had a bumper month, so you can stop being so sarcastic Ms Butler. There is a huge demand for personal development books, they are some of our best sellers, so of course I read the latest ones so I can recommend them to my customers. I have put many of the ideas into practise know they work, so stop the negative attitude and remember the mantra……”

“Do I have to?”

“Yes!!! Say it say it!!!”

“What would Madonna do?!”

“Absolutely! Jen, just use her as your inspiration, and don’t take any shit from anyone! Just say what you think and always, always use your gut instinct when it comes to men.”

“What do you think I’ve been doing for the past 25 years?” I wasn’t going to let her get away with that comment, as much as I loved her. Sometimes when a person had been with their partner for a long time they forget that things weren’t always the way they are now and that they too had times in the past when they were despairing of ever finding the right man for them and Erica was no exception. I remembered that, before she met Matt she was dating a pompous chap called Dorian, who treated her appallingly and was always cancelling dates at the last minute, but she was totally enamoured with him, for reasons that no one else could work out and , when he finally admitted he was seeing someone else, she cried for a week. Fortunately that was the week she had her dental check-up and ended up meeting Matt, so Dorian was quickly deleted from her memory, but he still had quite a place in mind for all the heartache he had caused her and all the late night calls I had received from her following all the times he had let her down.

Looking at her brown curls tumbling around her English rose complexion and her soft grey eyes, I always wondered how Dorian could have been such a complete shit, but was glad that Matt had materialised on the scene at just the right time. Maybe there was something in these books about karma and the laws of attraction that I had not quite fathomed yet? I was jolted out of my thoughts by Erica’s voice as she continued;

“To a certain point you have been, but then you’ve fallen in love and just ignored your gut instinct which was telling you that these men weren’t right for you. Bloody hell, I and the rest of your friends did try to tell you, but it’s one of those lessons you just have to learn yourself. So, now you know where you were going wrong this is your chance to get on track and finally find the right man for you.”

“OK, OK! I know you are right, but boy it seems like such hard work and, old habits die hard, Madonna or no Madonna!. Besides which Sean Penn hardly worked out for her did he?”

“Maybe not but Guy Richie did much better. It will be worth it, just remember that and go out there and do your stuff!”

And so, with those words thundering around in my head (or was that the excess of red wine I had consumed that evening) I called a taxi to take me home, feeling that maybe things were starting to look up……