Читать книгу The Cowboy's Christmas Baby - Carolyne Aarsen - Страница 11
ОглавлениеThis was it.
Erin slowed as she headed down the driveway and made the final turn. She saw the house situated on the hill, overlooking the fields and the mountains beyond, and felt the land wrap itself around her heart and stake its claim.
She wanted to stop and take it in.
But Caitlin had been fussing ever since her aborted stop in Saddlebank and Erin never had gotten that drink.
She headed toward the house, parking beside a couple of smaller cars. She didn’t recognize one but guessed it was Jodie’s from the stickers on the windows and the beads hanging from the rearview mirror. The other one she knew to be Lauren’s. Plus, in spite of the dust on the road, it gleamed in the afternoon sun. Lauren always liked things orderly and tidy.
Caitlin was screaming by the time she shut the engine off. Erin jumped out, quickly unclipping her car seat, grabbing the diaper bag.
The door of the house burst open as she headed up the walk and Jodie and Lauren spilled out, arms wide, calling out her name.
And then stopped dead in their tracks staring at the car seat she lugged up the walk, Caitlin now howling her protest from within.
“Hey, guys. Can you take her? I’m parched.” Erin unceremoniously thrust the car seat toward Lauren, gave Jodie a quick smile and rushed into the house, not even bothering to look behind her. She knew she was being a coward but she really was dying of thirst.
And she needed a moment.
She ran to the bathroom, turned the tap on and gulped down a glass of water. Then another. As she lowered the cup she caught her reflection in the mirror. Hollow cheeks, sallow complexion and hair that looked like she had been attacked by an angry squirrel. Of course Dean would have to see her like that.
And why do you care?
She cared because even though Dean was eminently unsuitable and definitely not her type, he’d always held an undeniable appeal. He represented a part of her that sometimes yearned to be cool. Accepted. Independent.
Well, you’re not, she told herself, finger-combing her hair and with quick, practiced movements, tying it up in a loose topknot.
Sam liked it when she wore it down. And since she’d broken up with him, she’d deliberately started wearing it up.
Besides, that way Caitlin couldn’t grab it.
A faint wail resounded from the living room and then the sound of her sisters hushing her baby.
She held the edges of the counter, dizziness washing over her. She blamed it on a combination of not eating for the past twelve hours and the nerves holding her in a steady grip all the way home.
She splashed some water on her heated cheeks, patted them dry, sucked in a long breath and left to face her sisters.
As she walked around the corner she felt a sense of coming home. To her left was her father’s office, to her right the kitchen where she and her sisters had spent a lot of time cooking and baking and trying out recipes. Things they were never allowed to do at their grandmother’s house back in Knoxville where they lived ten months of the year.
The living room lay ahead with its soaring ceilings and large windows that let in so much light. The huge stone fireplace dominated the one wall but no fire burned in it now.
Jodie sat on the loveseat cradling Caitlin in her outstretched arms. Lauren sat beside her, Caitlin’s tiny fingers clutching hers.
“You are just the sweetest little thing,” Jodie continued, bending over to nuzzle her cheeks.
Erin’s heart softened at the sight of her sisters so obviously in love with her baby.
And the one thought threading through her mind was, We’re not alone anymore.
Lauren sensed her presence and looked behind her, her smile stiffening as Erin came nearer. But then she stood and walked around the couch, her arms open wide.
Erin stepped directly into her twin sister’s embrace, fighting down the surprising and unwelcome tears as Lauren hugged her. Hard. Tight.
“Oh, sweetie. What has been happening in your life?” Lauren murmured.
Erin simply clung to her sister unable to find the words.
She was the first to pull away scrubbing at her cheeks, thankful that she hadn’t bothered to put on any makeup.
“Sorry. I just...” She looked at her sister and gave her a watery smile. “I missed you.”
Lauren cupped her face in her hands and brushed a gentle kiss over her forehead. “Missed you, too, Rinny.”
The pet name was almost her undoing again.
But then Jodie stood, shifting Caitlin in her arms, grabbing Erin in a one-armed hug. “Hey, sis,” she said, pressing her cheek against hers. “Love this little girl.”
Erin pulled in a shaky breath and struggled to keep her composure. All the way up here she’d been nervous and afraid of what she would see in her sisters’ eyes. But now that she had arrived and her sisters had met Caitlin, she felt a loosening of the tension gripping her the past few months.
“I love her, too,” she whispered, stroking her daughter’s cheek.
They were all quiet for the space of a few heartbeats, each connected by this precious baby.
“So...” Lauren let the word drag out and Erin knew the moment of reckoning had arrived.
Then a door slammed and a male voice boomed into the quiet, “Grocery delivery,” and Erin felt a temporary reprieve.
She turned to see Vic walking into the room, half a dozen plastic bags slung from his hands. He was as tall as Dean, his hair lighter with a bit of curl, his features softer and a brightness to his eyes that Dean didn’t have.
He dropped the bags on the counter, then looked over the girls. He did a double take as he saw Erin, then released a huge grin.
“So you finally made it,” Vic said, walking over to her. “Your coming was all Lauren and Jodie have been talking about the past week.”
Then Vic surprised her by pulling Erin close in a quick embrace. “Welcome back to the ranch,” he said, resting his hands on her shoulder. Then he turned to Lauren and brushed a quick kiss over her cheek. “And good to see you, my dear.”
“And you brought the groceries.” Lauren gave him a quick hug. “Well done.”
Vic placed a hand over his chest. “You know me. I have a servant heart.”
Erin watched their casual give-and-take, thankfulness welling up at the sight. Lauren had had her own struggles, as well. Being left at the altar by a man she’d given so much of her life to had soured her on men. To see her so relaxed with Vic gave Erin a glimmer of hope for happy endings.
At least for her sisters. Herself, not so much.
Then Vic noticed Caitlin in Jodie’s arms. “Well, well. Is there something I missed?” Vic joked, grinning at Jodie. “Something you want to tell me?”
His comment was meant in fun but shame flickered through Erin.
“Don’t tell Finn.” Jodie gave Vic a wink and then shot Erin a meaningful glance.
“She’s my daughter,” Erin said, the words echoing in the house. The same house that often held the condemning voice of their father, reminding the girls to behave. Be good.
And I was. I was always good, Erin told herself, clenching her hands, fighting down the disgrace she’d struggled with ever since she saw that plus sign on the home pregnancy kit.
Vic’s puzzled stare just underlined her own shame. Then the porch door closed again, echoing in the silence that followed and Dean came into the room.
Don’t see the man for twelve years and then twice in one day. Just her luck.
Dean’s shadowed gaze ticked from her to her sisters as he set a couple of grocery bags on the counter, then the baby Jodie still held, then finally back to Erin. He gave her a quick nod. “Hey, again,” he said, taking off his hat and dropping it beside the bags. “Didn’t think you’d beat us here.”
“I changed my mind about going to the Grill and Chill,” she said.
His smile tightened and she wondered if he had hoped to arrive and leave before she came.
“So. You have a baby,” Vic said, stating the obvious.
Erin took her from her sister, cradling her close. “I do. She’s six weeks old and her name is Caitlin.”
She didn’t have to look at her sisters to read the questions that hovered ever since she’d thrust her daughter into their arms. She had been in and out of touch for the past half year and hadn’t even come to their father’s funeral. She had been on bed rest and couldn’t travel.
But every time she picked up her phone to tell Jodie and Lauren, every time she wrote up a text to explain why, she’d gone with inane details instead. The truth would take hours and pages.
Plus she just couldn’t deal with the inevitable questions about the circumstances and the baby’s father.
“Do you guys want some coffee?” Jodie asked, her voice artificially bright.
“I’m good.”
“Sure. That’d be nice.”
Dean and Vic spoke at the same time then looked at each other. “We can stay for a while,” Vic said, tilting his brother a questioning look.
Dean shook his head and Erin guessed he was about as comfortable around her as she was around him.
You’d think all those years would have eased the awkwardness, Erin thought, rocking Caitlin. It was as if she and Dean were back in those unwieldy high school years when emotions were heightened and judgments abounded.
But now, it felt as if the roles were reversed. She didn’t know where Dean was at in his life, but she wasn’t the girl she once was. The girl who thought herself too good for Dean Moore.
“I think we should let the sisters spend some time together,” Dean said. “We should go.”
Vic looked like he didn’t want to agree.
“And I’m sure Lauren and Jodie want to get to know their niece,” Dean added.
His voice held an odd tone and she shot a quick glance his way to figure out what he meant. But he wasn’t looking at her.
She didn’t know why that bothered her. It was like she wasn’t there.
“Okay. We’ll push off then,” Vic said, giving Lauren another brief kiss. “I’ll call you tonight.”
Lauren’s soft smile for Vic gave Erin a tinge of jealousy. She was happy for her sister. Happy her life had come to this good place. But it was hard not to wonder what her own future looked like.
Just before Dean left, his eyes drifted to Erin once more and for a heartbeat their gazes held.
She wasn’t sure what to read into his enigmatic expression.
Didn’t matter, she thought, cradling her head over Caitlin. She had other priorities and another focus.
Dean Moore’s opinion of her wouldn’t affect her at all.
* * *
“I should change Caitlin,” Erin muttered, looking around for the diaper bag, as the guys left.
“Here’s what you want,” Lauren said, bending over and picking up the bag from where it lay beside Caitlin’s car seat.
“I’ll be right back,” Erin said, once again retreating to the washroom. She didn’t linger, however, and made quick work of changing her daughter’s wet diaper. Caitlin’s eyes were drawn to the lights above the sink and as she kicked her bare legs Erin felt again that wave of love. This tiny baby was so amazing.
“Love you so much,” she whispered as she picked her fragile body up and held her close.
Lauren was pouring water into the coffeemaker when she came back and Jodie was putting together a plate of snacks. Cheese and crackers and cookies.
Her favorite white chocolate macadamia nut, from what Erin could see.
“Just go sit down,” Lauren said, turning on the coffeemaker and then setting out some mugs.
Erin walked into the living room and dropped into the nearest couch, finally giving in to the weariness that had fuzzed her brains and dragged at her limbs. She leaned back into the chair as she cradled her now-quiet daughter in her arms, letting herself absorb the familiarity of this place. She knew Lauren and especially Jodie had resented coming here those summers of their youth, after their parents’ divorce, but she’d always enjoyed it in spite of their taciturn father.
“You look tired,” Jodie said as she brought the plate to the living room.
“I am. Been driving most of today. It’s a good thing Caitlin was so well behaved for most of the trip.”
She glanced around the room, then frowned as she noticed an empty space in one corner of the living area. “Did you sell your piano?”
“No. We moved it to Finn’s place. A tuner was in Saddlebank to work on the church’s piano so we thought we would take the opportunity to move and tune mine while he was around.” Jodie sat down beside Erin, her hand reaching to touch Caitlin, now swathed in her linen blanket. “She’s so perfect,” she breathed, her finger trailing over her tender cheek.
Erin’s throat tightened up. The words she had rehearsed all the way here now seemed pointless and superficial in the face of her sister’s acceptance. Then Lauren sat down across from her, her hands clasped between her knees, her blond hair hanging loose around her classical features.
“You look amazing,” she said to Lauren. “I think being engaged agrees with you. Congratulations, by the way. I’m happy for you. For both of you.” Erin turned to Jodie, encompassing her younger sister in her congratulations as well. “I never thought a free spirit like you would end up marrying a sheriff.”
Jodie released a light laugh. “Me, neither. Though Finn isn’t a sheriff like Dad was. He’s a deputy, but he’s quitting in a year. Hoping to focus on horse training, which is his first love. I don’t know if you remember him. He stayed with the Moores when his mother took off on him.”
“Vaguely.” Erin hadn’t gotten too involved with many of the people in Saddlebank. When she was here, she had spent a lot of her time on the ranch walking in the hills, or riding. The ten months they lived in Knoxville, where their mother moved them after her parents’ divorce, were always a dissonant time for her. While her sisters loved being in Knoxville, and disliked being on the ranch the two months a year they were sent here by their grandmother after their mom died, she was the opposite. Though their grandmother tried, Erin knew it must have been difficult for her to raise three grandchildren. Erin, of all the children, seemed to sense the tension more keenly than her sisters did.
So when they were shipped off to the ranch to be with their father, who reluctantly took them in, Erin found a peace that eluded her sisters. She would faithfully do the chores assigned to them by their father before he went off to his job as sheriff of Saddlebank County, then literally head to the hills with her sketchbook. She loved her time alone with her thoughts.
And her God.
She stopped reminiscing, turning to Lauren again. “Speaking of the Moores, I certainly didn’t think a cowboy like Vic was your type, either. You always were so businesslike. So proper and—”
“Stick in the mud.” Lauren laughed as she brushed her hair back from her face, gold hoops swinging from her ears. “You can say it. I was.”
“That’s not what I wanted to say,” Erin objected. “I meant, you were always so focused and so self-disciplined.”
“Qualities I get to apply to running Aunt Laura’s flower shop right in Saddlebank now that she’s retiring.”
“I’m glad to hear you’re taking it over,” Erin said. “I have such good memories of that place.”
“Her home and store was a sanctuary for us,” Lauren said with a gentle sigh. “And we needed that from time to time. Though I think Jodie and I managed to find some peace the past few months. Since Dad died.”
Erin felt it again. The tug of unmet expectations. The sorrow she’d felt when she heard her father had died and she couldn’t come to the funeral.
“I’m so sorry I didn’t come,” she said, struggling once again with her shame. “I do want to visit his grave when we have a chance.”
“We’ll go there. On Sunday.”
Which meant she was expected to attend church.
However she wasn’t getting into that now. They had other things to discuss.
“He also wrote us each a letter when he found out he was dying,” Jodie said, laying her hand on Erin’s shoulder. “There’s one for you, too. I found them in the house when I was cleaning up.”
Erin looked down at Caitlin, wondering what their straightlaced, overly strict father would have said about his first grandchild. Born out of wedlock.
And more.
“I’d like to read it. But later.” She had to get through this first hurdle—trying to find a way to explain to her sisters what had happened to her.
“Yes. Later,” Jodie agreed.
A beat of silence followed and Erin knew that while they had much to catch up on, her baby was, for lack of a better metaphor, the elephant in the room that could no longer be ignored.
“So, this is Caitlin, like I said before,” she began, pleased her voice came out so steady. “She’s six weeks old. I was on bed rest for two months before her birth. That’s why I didn’t come to Dad’s funeral. I cut back on my graphic design work so I could focus on her.” The words came out stilted. Cold. As if she related the events of someone else’s life. “She was a Caesarean birth, which meant another few weeks of rest and taking it easy.”
And another few weeks of putting off what she knew she had to have done many months earlier, when she discovered she was pregnant.
Tell her sisters.
It wasn’t until she knew they weren’t selling the ranch that she finally dared to return. Finally thought she might have a place to create a home for herself and her daughter.
And she knew exactly where that would happen.
“Oh, honey. You should have told us,” Lauren said, hitting her directly in the guilt zone.
“I didn’t know how to tell you I got pregnant.” Erin cuddled Caitlin closer, fighting to maintain her composure, frustrated at the sorrow that threatened. She didn’t want to feel sorry for herself. She had made her own choices and was living with the consequences. She didn’t want Caitlin to even sense she might have regretted having her. “I didn’t know where Jodie was living,” she continued, swallowing down her tears. “You were dealing with the aftermath of Harvey leaving you days before your wedding. I knew how devastating that was for you so I didn’t think you needed my troubles. I was trying to handle this on my own.”
No one said anything as the grandfather clock ticked off the seconds, then boomed the hour.
“And now you’re here.” Jodie put her hand on Erin’s shoulder. “I’m glad you came.”
“I am, too.” Erin gave her sister a careful smile. “Once I found out you girls weren’t selling the ranch I felt like I had a place to come back to.”
“It is your home,” Lauren said. “Though, in our defense when we talked about selling it you said you didn’t care either way.”
“If you sold it, I would have figured something else out. But knowing this place was available to me. That I had a share in it...” She let the sentence trail off.
“You felt like you had a home,” Jodie finished for her.
Erin nodded. “I know you girls didn’t always like coming here over the summer, but for me it was comfortable.”
“You and your long forays into melancholy,” Lauren teased.
Erin laughed, thankful for the gentle return to lightness and comfort.
“And I’m going to ask the other awkward question,” Jodie said, her hand still resting on Erin’s shoulder. “Is Caitlin’s father involved?”
Erin bit her lip trying to find the right way to tell them. “We aren’t together anymore.”
“Is he supporting you in any way?”
Was that a faintly chiding tone in Jodie’s voice or was she being especially sensitive?
“He is not interested,” she said firmly. “And I don’t want to have anything more to do with him. It’s...what we had...is over.”
She was skating on the very edge of vague but her response and her vehemence seemed to satisfy her sisters. She simply couldn’t deal with the past. She wanted to move forward into the new place she had found herself.
Caitlin stirred in her arms and Erin held her closer, as if protecting her. Too easily she recalled the look on Sam’s face when she’d given him the news. She’d thought he would be happy. Thought he would finally make a decision about their relationship.
Instead the fury on his face and the check he wrote out to her to pay for an abortion had cut her to the core. And when she found out he was married already, her world tilted so far over she didn’t think she would ever find her footing. She’d walked away and never contacted him again.
Now she was here and ready to look ahead and leave the past behind her.
“Well, you have us,” Lauren said, leaning forward. “And you have a share in the ranch. Vic and I discussed the situation and he’ll be talking to his banker about buying your third of the ranch out to give you some cash.”
Erin knew she was entitled to a portion of the ranch and had already planned what she wanted. “The only thing I want is the Fletcher house. I want that to be my home.”
“But, honey, you can stay here. In this house,” Lauren said, sounding hurt.
“No. You and Vic will be living here. I don’t want to be in the way.”
Lauren didn’t reply, which confirmed Erin’s guess.
“We can figure out what the house and a few acres of it are worth and I’ll take that as my share of the ranch.” Erin looked down at Caitlin as a slow peace sifted over the chaos that had rocked her life for the past half year. “I just want a place of my own. A place I can be alone.”
“That’s fine and we can deal with the other details later on,” Lauren agreed. “But the house you want to move into will need work.”
“So I’ll do it.”
“You’re a graphics designer, not a carpenter.”
“I know a few things about building.” Erin chuckled at her sister’s incredulous look. “I learned a lot rehabbing the house my roommates and I lived in.”
“Well, yes. You said that in some of your texts,” Jodie agreed. “But—”
“You just can’t imagine that your daydreaming sister can concentrate long enough to handle a skill saw. You should see some of the work I’ve done.”
They hadn’t of course. Jodie was running around, trying to find herself, playing piano in bars and looking for some kind of peace. Lauren was following her ex-fiancé Harvey around, looking for some kind of commitment.
All the while Erin had been looking for a home. A place to settle down and a man to settle down with. When she bought the house with her friends and started dating Sam she thought she’d found at least both.
She stopped her thoughts from heading down that dead-end road.
“At any rate, we should to talk to Jan Peter about this,” Lauren insisted. “The local carpenter.”
“Let me see the house first,” Erin said. “I know moving in with you is the more practical option but I’ve been living on top of three roommates for the past year. If it’ll work for me to live there while the work is going on, I don’t mind.”
“But what about Caitlin? Should you move her into the house?”
“We’ll look at it first, then I’ll decide for sure. But at this stage Caitlin tends to be oblivious to what’s going on. Sleeps like a baby,” she joked.
Erin didn’t miss the sidelong glances Jodie and Lauren shared. Spacey Erin, making inappropriate jokes.
“I’ll talk to Vic and Dean about it,” Lauren said. “We could see what they say.”
Erin knew staying in this house with Lauren was her best option but she couldn’t shake the need for some quiet. For a place to put down some roots.
“Another thing, I’ll need to get internet service up and running,” she said. “I want to get working as soon as possible.”
“Do you have work?”
Erin looked away from responsible Lauren to her younger sister Jodie who probably better understood that life could be erratic at times. That plans get messed up.
“I’ve just started up again.” She glanced down at her daughter. “I had...Caitlin and a few other things to deal with. But I’ve got a few bites on some feelers I put out.”
“I’m sure you’ll be back at it in no time.” Jodie gave her a one-armed hug and leaned closer to Caitlin, cupping her tiny shoulder with one hand. “And now you’ve got help.”
Erin felt tears threaten at the thought that she wasn’t on her own anymore. But she wasn’t going to let herself get pulled into the pity vortex. She had made her own choices. Made her own bed.
Now she had to lie in it.
