Читать книгу Diva - Carrie Duffy - Страница 7

Manchester, UK Eighteen months later

Alyson Wakefield scurried out of school into the freezing February air. Her head was bowed, her shoulders rounded in her habitual pose, in a desperate effort not to be noticed. Standing just shy of five feet eleven in flats, with a rail-thin body and endless, coltish legs, being unobtrusive was not something that came naturally to seventeen-year-old Alyson Wakefield.

Her fine blonde hair had been hastily tied back with a simple band, revealing razor-sharp cheekbones and enormous blue eyes. With her clear porcelain skin and enviable poise that naturally lent itself to elegance, Alyson was on the verge of blossoming into a true beauty. But all she saw when she looked in the mirror were startled eyes and a skinny body that never filled out, no matter how much she ate. With her lean, gangly frame she felt clumsy and masculine, gauche and out of proportion compared to the other girls in her class. The boys teased her about her flat chest and towering height, the daily taunts ringing in her ears so that it was impossible for her to be anything other than self-conscious about the way she looked.

‘You workin’ tonight, Alyson?’ asked Kayleigh, a small, freckled girl with a shock of red hair and a prominent overbite.

Alyson nodded as she hurried to catch up with her friends. They were known as ‘The Misfits’, a group of five girls each as physically awkward and insecure as Alyson herself. Staying together meant safety in numbers.

‘Yeah, it’s going to be another late – ouch!’

She broke off as she was shoved in the shoulder by the group of boys walking towards her. Instinctively, Alyson spun round and saw Callum Bateman grinning at her. Dark-haired and good-looking, he was also cocky and arrogant, and did his best to humiliate Alyson whenever he saw her.

‘Fancy a fuck?’ he yelled. ‘I could do you up the arse, you’d love it.’

The ever-present group of admirers hanging off his every word burst out laughing as Alyson flushed bright red, her whole face lighting up like a beacon that was probably visible from the other side of the Pennines. But she kept her mouth shut and didn’t reply. She wasn’t about to get into a war of words with Callum Bateman. There would only be one winner, and it wouldn’t be Alyson.

Instead, her friend Leanne took up the challenge. Short and round, almost as wide as she was high, with a perma-orange fake tan and a face obscured by a mass of jet-black hair extensions, she relished a good argument.

‘Shut your face, you bell-end,’ she screeched, her voice carrying halfway across the car park.

‘Piss off, Leanne,’ sneered Callum. ‘I’d rather chop my dick off than put it in your rancid midget fanny.’

‘Go fuck yourself, gaylord,’ Leanne shot back venomously.

‘I’ve got to go,’ Alyson said under her breath, as she saw her bus pull up to the stop. Already the other kids were piling on, and she couldn’t afford to miss it. If she did, she’d be late for work. ‘I’ll see you guys tomorrow.’ She sprinted off, her long legs quickly covering the ground, leaping onto the bus as the doors closed behind her.

There were no seats left and she stood awkwardly at the front, speaking to no one. Instead, she kept her head down, pulling her tatty old duffel coat tightly around her like a security blanket and glancing out of the filthy windows from time to time as the bus made the short journey from Oldham to Manchester.

Three nights a week she travelled into the city centre to waitress at Il Mulino, an upmarket restaurant catering to the city’s most affluent residents. Her shift finished around midnight, when it would be a dash to make the last bus home and grab a few hours’ sleep before college in the morning.

It was a punishing lifestyle, but Alyson knew she was lucky to have been taken on by such a reputable restaurant as Il Mulino. It paid minimum wage but the tips were excellent, the clientele being predominantly the flashy, new-money set: media workers, property developers, footballers with their wives or girlfriends or mistresses. The footballers were the worst, their eyes roaming over her as she walked back and forth to their table. Men often looked at her like that, with a predatory, covetous gaze, and Alyson found it unsettling. She didn’t realize it was because she was beautiful – stunningly so, ethereal almost – and ripe for the picking.

The bus pulled into Piccadilly and Alyson jumped off, walking briskly towards Exchange Square. The pavements were already glowing with a thin sheen of frost, the bus covering her with slush as it drove away. But Alyson simply sunk her chin deeper into her knitted scarf and moved on.

She reached the restaurant in a few minutes, hurrying into the back and quickly saying hi to the other girls who were crowded round the tiny mirror applying mascara and lip gloss, spraying their slicked-back hair firmly in place. Alyson didn’t even glance at herself as she slipped out of her school uniform and into her well-worn white shirt and black skirt, pulling on thick black opaques and her smartest shoes. Stashing her bag in her locker, she dashed back through the double doors into the mania of the kitchen and grabbed the dishes that were waiting on the hot plate.

‘Table twenty-four,’ yelled the sous-chef, and Alyson was on her way.

It was an exhausting, spirit-crushing way to live, but it had become so routine that Alyson rarely stopped to think how tired she was. It was a necessity, a way of life, and it had been like this ever since her father walked out on them.

Alyson slammed down a plate with more severity than she had meant to, apologizing profusely to the indignant-looking woman at the table. The woman arched an over-plucked eyebrow, then smiled graciously – well, as far as she could manage with a face full of Botox. Alyson smiled politely, hoping she hadn’t just blown her chances of a good tip, and scurried away.

Even after all this time, memories of her father were still painful. Alyson had been just nine years old when Terry Wakefield had walked out on them, taking her younger brother, Scott, who was only six at the time. She remembered all too clearly the feeling of abandonment, the painful realization that her father had opted to leave her behind, that she somehow wasn’t good enough for him.

The reasons behind his departure were complex. For as long as Alyson could remember, her mother, Lynn, had had issues. Her erratic behaviour had characterized Alyson’s childhood – there were periods when she wouldn’t leave the house for weeks, convinced that the neighbours were plotting against her, or that Mrs Davidson next door was trying to communicate evil thoughts through the wall. Alyson wasn’t frightened, simply confused.

From time to time, her mother found work – low-skilled, low-paid appointments, like factory work or cleaning – but she struggled to keep a position as she swiftly gave her employers reason to get rid of her. Sometimes she stayed in bed for days on end, simply not turning up for work, until her employers got sick of trying to contact her and her P45 arrived in the post. Other times they would be disturbed by the bizarre things Lynn did – refusing to drink the mugs of tea she was offered for fear they were ‘contaminated’, or completely forgetting how to do a task she’d been shown a few hours earlier. It was only when she went to clean for an affluent and compassionate doctor that someone finally recognized what was wrong. When Alyson Wakefield was eight years old, her mother was diagnosed with schizophrenia.

For a while, life got better. With an accurate diagnosis, Lynn’s condition could be treated, but the run of good behaviour didn’t last long. Some of the side effects were unpleasant and she became increasingly reluctant to take the medication prescribed, treating her pills like headache tablets – taking one if she felt unwell, not bothering if she was having a good day. And as someone who enjoyed a drink, she didn’t see why being on heavy medication should stop her.

For Terry Wakefield, the final straw came one night when he awoke to find his wife standing in the freezing cold kitchen, wearing only her underwear and holding a heavy metal pan high above her head. She claimed Mrs Davidson was trying to tunnel through from the house next door, and she wanted to be prepared for when she surfaced through the dirty lino floor.

The following day, Alyson came home from school to find the house unusually quiet. Her mother was slumped in an armchair, her eyes staring blankly into the middle distance and a near-empty bottle of vodka beside her chair.

‘Where’s Dad?’ asked Alyson, an ominous feeling creeping over her.

Lynn glanced up at Alyson. She looked exhausted, huge purple bags under her bloodshot eyes. ‘He’s gone.’

Alyson swallowed. Her father had left before – so many times that she’d lost count. Often he’d disappear for days at a time and there would be furious rows when he got back, her mother crying and screaming and drinking, while Alyson and her brother huddled together at the top of the stairs, longing for them to stop. But this time there was something different in Lynn Wakefield’s tone, an air of finality.

‘He’s taken Scott with him,’ she confirmed resignedly, picking up the vodka bottle and swallowing the final dregs.

From then on, it was just the two of them. Alyson never heard anything more from her father and grew to deeply resent him, furious at the way he’d abandoned them to struggle, choosing her brother over her and splitting up their family.

Alyson had had to grow up very quickly, learning to care for herself and her mother, ensuring she was always presentable for school lest the teachers became suspicious. One of the kids in her class had been taken away by social services, and for nine-year-old Alyson that seemed every bit as terrifying as being snatched by the Child Catcher. She was determined to avoid the same fate; after all, her mother was all she had left now.

Lynn Wakefield gave up looking for work when her husband left, the pair of them getting by on benefits and disability payments. There was barely enough to cover bills and food, let alone any money for extras like school trips or new clothes. Alyson dressed as cheaply as she could, buying clothes from charity shops and wearing them until they were threadbare. She wasn’t like the other kids, with fashionable outfits and designer trainers. She was different, obviously so, and was ostracized accordingly.

She began working as soon as she was old enough – a paper round, babysitting for the neighbours’ kids, then glass collecting at the local pub when she hit sixteen. Every penny she earned she took home to her mum, to help pay the heating or the water or whichever bill was coming through the letterbox stamped ‘Final Demand’ that week.

Sometimes, in her rare, quiet moments, she secretly dreamed of getting out; of escaping and going far, far away, like an adventurer in a fairytale. But in reality, she couldn’t see an end to this life. There was no time to think about her own dreams and ambitions, to consider what she wanted from the future. She was too busy fighting tooth and nail to keep everything together – school, work, home. She couldn’t stop for a second. If she did, she might break.

‘Alyson?’

Alyson jumped as her shift manager’s voice cut into her thoughts.

‘Yeah?’

‘I really hate to ask, but Carmen’s just rung in sick and I wondered if there was any chance of you covering for her tomorrow night?’ Helen bit her lip and looked pleadingly at Alyson.

Briefly Alyson thought about the English essay that was due in two days’ time, and the French verbs she was supposed to learn by tomorrow. She was a good student, bright and hard-working, but her troubled home life meant she couldn’t always finish her work on time or study as hard as she wanted for that exam. Her teachers got frustrated that she wasn’t reaching her full potential, but Alyson simply bowed her head and took their criticism, unwilling to go into details about her problems.

‘Sure,’ she told Helen, with a little shrug of her shoulders. Schoolwork could wait – they badly needed the extra money.

‘Great!’ Helen smiled gratefully at her, before disappearing back through the double doors into the restaurant.

It was raining lightly when Alyson climbed wearily off the night bus and set off through the darkness towards her house. It was almost one a.m., and the dank drizzle for which Manchester was renowned only added to her bleak mood. She was exhausted, longing to collapse into bed, but she dragged her aching body one step at a time through the deserted streets.

She lived in a small two-up two-down, just one of many on an estate with identical rows of red-brick terraces, built at the turn of the century for Oldham’s millworkers. Each opened directly onto the street in front, with a small yard out back and a narrow lane running behind. Beyond lay the rugged moorland, stretching for miles, but currently invisible in the blackness of the night.

Alyson slipped the key into the lock and opened the front door, surprised to find that the house was dark. Her mother was usually waiting up for her, watching TV or dozing in an armchair. With a strange sense of foreboding, Alyson flicked on the light and hurried through to the kitchen.

The first thing she saw was her mother’s red and white pills, scattered across the old, cracked lino. Her eyes followed the trail, refusing to take in what she was seeing. Lynn Wakefield lay slumped on the floor, her eyes closed and the pill bottle clutched in her hand.

The neon striplights at the hospital were harsh and draining, making it impossible to know whether it was night or day. Her mother was comfortable, they told her. Critical but stable. As yet, Alyson hadn’t been allowed to see her.

She’d been asked question after question, filled out form after form.

‘Who’s her next of kin?’ asked the young, male nurse, who’d introduced himself as Martin.

‘I am,’ Alyson answered clearly.

‘Is she married? We notice she’s wearing a wedding ring …’

‘He’s gone,’ Alyson said, and her voice was hard. ‘I don’t know where he is.’

The nurse looked at her sceptically. ‘Well, if you manage to think of anything, let us know. A contact number for your father would be very helpful.’

Alyson remained mute. Her father had been out of their lives for so long and she wasn’t about to invite him back again. I’m the one who looks after her, Alyson thought fiercely. I’m the one who’s cared for her every day for the past eight years. He doesn’t deserve any part of this.

Martin left, and for the next few hours she remained ignored, seated on a hard plastic chair in an endless white corridor, her head in her hands. She had no idea how long she kept up the vigil. She was on the verge of dozing off, her exhausted body finally running out of energy, when she heard a voice that made her think she was hallucinating.

‘Ally?’

Her head shot up. There was only one person who’d ever called her that.

Terry Wakefield stood in front of her, and he had the good grace to look embarrassed. Alyson stared at him in disbelief. He looked older than she remembered; his hair had grown thinner, the lines on his face etched deeper. Beside him was a tall, lanky guy that Alyson barely recognized – her brother, Scott. She hadn’t seen him since he was six years old, and he’d altered almost beyond recognition, becoming a sulky, sullen teenager with pale-blond hair and a bored expression. He looked as though he’d rather be anywhere but there – in the hospital, visiting the sick mother who was a stranger to him.

‘How … What the hell are you doing here?’ Alyson burst out. Her voice was anguished, a strangled cry.

Her father’s forehead creased anxiously. ‘They contacted me … The doctors. How is she?’

‘Like you even care,’ Alyson spat. ‘How did they get your number? I never gave them it.’

‘They found it …’ Terry began awkwardly. ‘In your mother’s things.’

Alyson felt a slow, heavy, sinking feeling in her stomach, as though she’d just eaten a pile of lead.

‘We kept in touch, now and again,’ her father continued. ‘Sometimes I sent her some money … when she was struggling.’

Alyson felt sick. Her mother and father were still in contact, yet her father had never once asked to see her, her mother keeping silent about the clandestine meetings. And all the time she’d been slaving away, working until she dropped, her mother had failed to mention the extra money Terry Wakefield had given her. She’d probably spent it on alcohol, or something ridiculous from QVC, Alyson thought furiously.

‘Why didn’t you help me?’ Alyson demanded. Her voice was growing louder, more hysterical. ‘Why didn’t you want to see me?’ The room was spinning.

‘Ally …’

Her father stepped towards her, but at that moment a white-coated figure appeared from her mother’s room.

‘I’m Dr Chaudhry,’ he introduced himself, shaking hands with the three of them. ‘Would you like to come in now?’

They followed him through; Alyson went first, shocked to see her mother looking so small and fragile in the hospital bed. She was hooked up to all manner of machines, an IV tube attached to the back of her hand. She was sleeping right now, the machines around her beeping at regular intervals.

‘Please, take a seat, all of you,’ suggested Dr Chaudhry. They sat down, her brother rolling his eyes and sighing like this was all a big inconvenience.

‘I understand you’re her primary carer,’ he said, turning to Alyson. He looked tired but patient, and his dark-brown eyes were kind.

‘Yes, that’s correct,’ she said determinedly.

‘It’s a lot of responsibility for someone so young.’

‘I didn’t have a choice,’ she retorted, with a pointed glance at her father.

The doctor nodded, understanding. ‘Well, now you do.’

Alyson stared at him, her brow furrowing in incomprehension.

‘We think it might be better if your mother went somewhere she could get the help that she needs. Her condition is obviously serious, and Lynn might be better served in a place where they have the specialization to really look after her. Now, there are a number of care homes in the area—’

‘I look after her,’ Alyson burst out. ‘We’ve managed fine all these years.’

‘Ally, you’re clearly not coping,’ her father cut in.

‘We’ll be fine,’ Alyson insisted, her voice small and tight. She stared hard at the motionless figure in the bed, fighting back tears. ‘We don’t need you.’

‘Perhaps I’ll give you some time to talk this through,’ Dr Chaudhry suggested tactfully, sensing the atmosphere. ‘They have all the details you need at reception, and I’ll be back after my rounds if you have any questions.’

‘Listen, Ally,’ her father began after the doctor had left. ‘Think about it. And I mean seriously. You can’t spend the rest of your life looking after your mother – it’s just not fair on you. Now the doctor thinks this is the best option, and maybe he’s right. You’ve got to think about her too, not just what you want.’

‘Why not? That’s what you did, isn’t it?’ Alyson retorted. She was lashing out, all the anger that she’d bottled up over the past decade finally finding an outlet.

‘You need some time for yourself, sweetheart,’ Terry said adamantly. ‘And maybe it’s best for both of you. It could be that Lynn’s become too reliant on you …’

Alyson felt a swathe of guilt and hated her father for making her feel like that. Was he right? Was this somehow her fault, for encouraging her mother to become too dependent on her?

‘Look, love, I can give you a few hundred pounds, maybe more. You can do what you want, go where you want.’

‘I don’t need your money,’ Alyson spat, her eyes flashing dangerously. She couldn’t believe that her father thought he could just walk back into her life and pay her off.

Terry Wakefield leaned forward and caught her hand. His hold was strong, a little painful even. He stared straight into her eyes, the pressure on her palm getting stronger. When he spoke again, his voice was cold, threatening almost. ‘Think about it, Ally.’