Читать книгу Waiting For You - Catherine Miller - Страница 13

Chapter Five

Fliss repositioned the camera. It was hard to make out if it was in the right place at two in the morning, but it was the best she could manage.

It was the most ridiculous thing to be doing at this time, but after tossing and turning for hours she thought that perhaps talking about it would help her sleep. Having switched on the camera, she settled into her comfy chair and glanced at the viewfinder. Thankfully the darkness covered the fact her eyes were red and blotchy.

‘It’s happened again,’ Fliss started. ‘Another negative test. It’s not a surprise so I can’t explain why I’m upset.’ She fiddled with the strings on the hoody she’d chucked over her pyjamas. ‘My period was late which isn’t unusual given how irregular it can be. Sometimes I’ll have two in one month and none the next.’ Fliss stopped herself. What was she doing? Talking about things that she didn’t even discuss with her mother and recording them so they’d be televised to the whole nation. Somehow it wasn’t right and she was stumped by what to say next without exposing all that she held close. ‘I wish my body would behave,’ she confessed. ‘I wish it would stop giving me false hope. Even when there are no symptoms, like this time, I can’t help but think maybe. Just maybe. It’s like a trick I fall for every time. I’m so desperate I’ve become gullible when my body gives me a false sense of what could be. Only it isn’t. It never is and I’m at the point where I need to understand why. The sense of failure is beginning to overwhelm me. It was so much easier with my daughter. Accidental, almost.’ Fliss glanced at the ceiling and imagined the sleeping bundle above. Hollie would be fast asleep, but Fliss worried for a moment that she’d hear her mother’s confessions. That Fliss hadn’t expected Hollie to arrive so early in their marriage. Ironic, really. They’d been trying, but Fliss thought it would take months, and then they were pregnant before she’d had a chance to have her first period. Now, she wanted the same result so much it must be punishment for those previous thoughts.

‘Don’t broadcast that,’ Fliss said in a panic. ‘I don’t want my daughter thinking that she…’ wasn’t wanted. Fliss was unable to say it out loud. She’d already let too much slip. Hollie had been very much wanted; there had just been that brief period of doubt. ‘Never mind. I don’t know why I ever contemplated doing this. It’s stupid. Nobody wants to know about how useless I’m feeling. This was a mistake.’

Annoyed with herself, Fliss uncurled from her foetal position in the chair and went to switch off the recording. Only the camera wasn’t on. No red LED was lit up like when she’d sat down. Or so she’d thought. The early hours of the morning were playing tricks on her mind.

‘Can’t even get that right,’ Fliss said, as she thought about hooking her leg behind one of the tripod legs to take the damn thing out. If she couldn’t even manage a basic home video, then maybe this whole documentary idea wasn’t meant to be.

***

With Hollie packed off to school, Fliss went in search of Leon’s business card. After a rubbish night’s sleep, she was hoping to make a quick exit from the show and as this was the only phone number she had, she thought she might as well tell Leon and hope he’d still be able to put some business her way. She needed a filler, what with the Georgian mansion project continually being delayed by the building work.

Leon Stevens. Assistant Producer.

Swish. Fliss could do with getting herself some better business cards judging by this one. She dialled the number.

‘Yes.’ Leon’s opener was blunt. What happened to good old hello?

‘Hi, it’s Fliss. We met the other day. You came to my house with Carrie about the Baby Number Two show.’ She wondered how long she needed to continue before he would remember who she was.

‘Ah, yes. Are the videos going okay?’

‘No.’

‘Bollocks.’

Oh. This wasn’t quite what she’d been expecting. ‘And the thing is…’

‘You can’t quit.’

‘What? But you…’ Never let me finish my sentence.

‘I can come over this morning. Sort out whatever the problem is. Say, eleven?’

It was a rather bewildering conversation so Fliss said, ‘Okay,’ knowing that some things were easier to say in person.

***

Not able to get on with much work, Fliss took the chance to freshen up, securing her blonde ringlets up for a change. It was an hour later when Leon turned up, his designer stubble now beard-length and a stale odour making him somewhat less attractive than at their previous meeting, which was a relief. She could keep her pheromones under lock and key.

‘Everything okay?’ she had to ask. He looked a different person from the other day.

‘No one’s here, are they?’ Leon asked, his tired eyes glancing around the house then over his shoulder like someone was watching him.

‘No.’ Fliss crossed her arms, worried she shouldn’t have invited him in. Why did he look so worried? ‘So are you okay?’

‘No, not really.’ Leon brushed his hair out of his face revealing the shadows under his eyes.

‘What’s up? You look like you haven’t slept.’

‘Sleep has been hard to come by this past week. The damage to my flat was malicious so I’m staying on my mate’s sofa for the moment. It’s not exactly providing me with comfortable sleep and I’ve been a bit of an insomniac.’

‘No wonder you looked knackered. Let me get you some caffeine.’ Fliss led Leon to the kitchen. Against her better judgement, she decided to invite him in rather than push him and his haunted expression away.

‘It’s been one nightmare after another recently. If sorting out my flat wasn’t problem enough Carrie has broken her leg. Strapped up on traction in some French hospital somewhere. Won’t be fit to work for weeks. It means I’m now in charge of this project. I should be delighted, really. It’s not as if I liked the woman and I’ve been working towards promotion for ages, but the timing couldn’t be worse. Anyway, none of that is your concern and I’m here to sort out whatever your problem is. Please don’t quit.’

‘How did you know I wanted to?’

‘I could sense it in your voice. And I wouldn’t blame you with Carrie’s gung-ho attitude, but I’m in charge now.’ Leon smiled at Fliss and a shiver ran down her spine. He really was astonishingly good-looking despite being more dishevelled than at their first meeting. ‘So I’m hoping to convince you otherwise.’

Fliss was sure he could convince her of anything, but she wasn’t comfortable doing the diaries. ‘The video camera isn’t working. I tried to do an entry last night and by the time I was done the light was out. And even if it weren’t for the technical difficulties, I said something in my video that I didn’t want to. I revealed too much of myself and I don’t want the whole nation getting to know my innermost thoughts when they’re things I might not choose to share with my own mother or daughter. It’s made me realise this isn’t for me. I’m sorry, I know that’s not what you wanted to hear.’ She spewed it all out, scared he’d stop her mid-sentence.

‘Why did you apply in the first place?’

‘It’s a long answer,’ Fliss said. ‘I’ll tell you if you don’t go all judgemental on me. You never know, if the story is long enough it might help you sleep.’ Leon really did look like he should be tucked under a duvet.

‘Promise. No judgement. No nodding off.’ Leon gave his scout’s honour salute, proving his word.

Fliss hadn’t planned on inviting Leon in, let alone chatting with him, but his expression seemed genuinely interested. And she wanted to know more about his nightmare week. She’d noticed he was deflecting the conversation her way rather than elaborating on his own situation. ‘Shall we sit outside?’ Leon agreed so they took their coffees and sat on the patio chairs facing the lawn.

‘Are you sure you want to hear this?’ Fliss couldn’t work out if his concern was genuine or just with the show in mind.

‘Yes, especially if it stops me worrying about my own rubbish for a while. Carrie has left me with a right schedule mess to sort out. I’d much rather listen to you all day if you don’t mind telling me.’

Fliss took the look in Leon’s hazel eyes to be honest and open. Without having known it until now, she wanted someone to talk to. Leon seemed to fit the bill. ‘We’ve been trying for what feels like ages. Two years in total, but if you stick together all of the weekend days that my husband is here, it’s more like a year. So my husband, Ben, is convinced it’s down to timing and he’s not worried in the slightest. He’s quite content with having Hollie as a daughter, as am I, but there’s also such a strong desire within me to have another child so she can grow up with siblings like I did with my sisters. And now, the longer it takes for me to get pregnant, the more convinced I am that there’s a problem. We just don’t see eye to eye on getting it checked out.’

‘Why apply to the programme then? Couldn’t you go to the GP and ask them to test you?’

‘I was going to, but if there is a problem we have no way of funding any treatment. We already have a child and I’m too old to qualify for any financial help. But then my friend Ange told me about the programme and how it was willing to help on the money side of things. We’d have to pay for it ourselves and we can’t afford to, not with all our outgoings.’

‘So why apply when your husband doesn’t want to take part?’

Fliss knew it seemed odd. ‘Because even if he never wants to get his side of things checked out, I need some kind of peace of mind. I want to know if there’s anything wrong with me, whether I’m causing the problem. The thinking about it and not knowing is driving me a bit crazy so at least if I know it’s not me, it might stop me worrying for no reason. I guess it would have been silly to pass on the opportunity, and besides, I have a gut feeling this might be my only chance.’

‘And does your gut still tell you that?’

‘It’s so churned up it reckons something hasn’t agreed with me. I didn’t think about what would be involved when I applied and I’ve had butterflies in my stomach ever since. Like I said, I did it for me and I never thought about the consequences of keeping it from my family. I need to tell them about it. I’m just not ready to at the moment.’

‘Is that why you don’t want to take part any more? In case they find out?’

It was hard to tell if Leon was enquiring out of politeness or in an attempt to get her back onboard. ‘Partly. And the whole concept of putting my deepest desires out there in public. I tried to do a video diary and, aside from ballsing up operating the camera, it was also the most uncomfortable experience of my life, and that’s saying something when you’ve given birth.’ Fliss flicked away a strand of hair from her face, conscious that her updo was failing miserably.

Leon laughed. A refreshing and quick ‘Ha’ that filled the air and made her smile. ‘I’ve always preferred it behind the camera for precisely that reason. Not that I’d know anything about it being more uncomfortable than labour, but in this job I’ve learnt it takes a certain type of person to perform in front of the lens. But what you’re doing isn’t about a performance, you just need to be yourself. Tell people what it’s really like to go through what you’re going through the same as you’re telling me now.’

‘It’s not the same as this,’ Fliss said, as she flexed both hands tight around her mug as she took a sip. ‘What I’m telling you now won’t go any further unless you tell someone. You’re not going to, are you?’

‘My lips are sealed.’ Leon gestured as such.

‘If I say something on camera it’s documented for life. I can’t go back on it and it’ll be broadcast whether I like it or not. I’ve got no control in this. Just like I’ve got no control over my body.’

‘If there’s something you don’t want to keep, I can delete it if need be. It doesn’t have to be so out of your control.’

‘Really?’ Fliss’s brow furrowed. ‘Why would you do that? Surely you’d get into trouble?’

Leon shrugged. ‘I’m in charge now, remember. No one would know any different and, if it puts your mind at rest, I guess it’s worth the risk.’

‘You’re only saying that because you’re in charge. My dropping out is going to cause you problems.’

‘Look, I’m not going to lie to you. I could do without someone leaving the programme at this point in time. Your staying will save me a headache, but I asked because I wanted to know if this was right for you. I’ve got other applicants waiting, but I want the people it’ll help most involved in the programme. I think you fit that bill. Look, if you’re worried about doing the filming we can have a practice run here. I can set up the video and we can chat like we are now. Nice and relaxed.’

Fliss sighed and studied the garden. She hadn’t planned to be talked round like this. But saying her reasons out loud had made her realise she needed to give herself this opportunity. And with Leon now in charge, maybe it wouldn’t be quite as scary as she’d originally thought. Returning Leon’s intense stare, she decided to go with it. ‘I never will know unless I do it, so let’s do this practice run.’