Читать книгу Heart's Desire - Catherine Lanigan - Страница 13

CHAPTER FIVE

NATE BARZONNI HAD always been a man of single purpose and clear-minded goals. Never once had he thought his mind was incapable of reasoning out the best course of action for the highest possible good. He was a man of honor and conviction. He was a leader, and little swayed him off his chosen course or derailed him from his beliefs. He’d never been drunk, never used drugs, never lied or cheated. His mind was as sharp as a razor and as tight as a trap.

But that day, Nate was sure he’d lost all his senses and the entirety of his reasoning ability when he’d purposefully gone back to that bridal shop to confirm whether what he’d seen was real or a mirage. The shock of seeing Maddie Strong trying on a wedding gown was enough to rip his insides apart. No earthquake under his feet or hurricane at sea had ever unsettled him as much as the sight of her. Even after he’d walked away, when he realized she’d seen him and recognized him, he could barely put one foot in front of the other to get back to his Hummer. Climbing numbly into his vehicle, he tried to catch his ragged breath. His mouth had gone dry. He attempted to rake his hand through his hair and wipe the sweat from his brow, but his hand was shaking too much.

He’d seen beautiful women before, but the moment he saw Maddie in that wedding gown, lights glinting off the flowers in her dress like tiny fairies attending an earth angel, he thought he’d lost his mind and certainly his heart to her all over again.

She’s getting married? Nate stared at his hands as they gripped the steering wheel and his knuckles turned white.

For the past eleven years, Nate had pursued all his dreams. After literally leaving Maddie on her doorstep, he’d packed his camping duffel bag and taken the bus to Great Lakes Naval Station to enlist in the navy. He hadn’t left a note to his parents for fear they would talk him out of his decision, and to be truthful, he’d known he would have been convinced.

At eighteen, Nate had no fear of the unknown, but he was an absolute coward when it came to confrontation with his mother and father.

His loving mother, Gina, had doted on him and his three brothers all their lives. He loved her dearly and it crushed him to leave like he did, but he knew no other way. His father, Angelo, was possessive of his mother and his sons. He expected them all to carry on with the lucrative family farming business. Though each of the Barzonni boys secretly harbored their own dreams and ambitions, Angelo would not tolerate even a whisper of dissention. Their lives were to be lived Angelo’s way and only his way.

Though the navy was a six-year stint, Nate didn’t care. He would have signed up for twelve years if that had been a requirement. He wanted to leave Indian Lake behind and get on with his dream of becoming a doctor.

His only regret was leaving Maddie. But to do what he knew he needed to do for himself, he felt he had to cut all his ties to his past. Above all, Nate wanted to find out who Nate was, and to do that, he needed to disappear.

Nate declared in boot camp that he was interested in medicine and being a medic. He didn’t travel overseas, as a great deal of his fellow recruits did, but remained near Chicago, where he later went to Northwestern’s medical school, completing his internship and residency there as well.

After six weeks in boot camp, Nate buckled under to the need to call his parents and make his explanations. He wanted to be sure he was locked into his commitment to the navy before he told his parents his life plans. Because he’d graduated, he wanted them to attend the Review and be a part of his new life. He was terrified to tell them the truth. They were angry and disappointed...at first.

Nate had planned the reunion well. Being surrounded by the pomp and pageantry of the navy graduates marching in their navy whites for the Review altered his parents’ attitude considerably. His mother, Gina, especially, was overcome with love and pride for Nate and hugged him with tear-filled eyes.

From his brothers, Nate had heard the gossip about him and the fact that half the town had sided with Maddie. She’d painted him as the jerk of all time. He knew that if Maddie ever found out where he was, she would come after him, and he would cave to her. They would run away together and he would never realize his dream. She had been so right to refuse his proposal. She’d been wise and forward-thinking.

Nate asked his parents never to reveal his whereabouts to anyone in Indian Lake. No one outside the Barzonni family ever knew where Nate was or what happened to him.

Despite body-and mind-numbing days in boot camp and the years he spent in the Navy and pursuing his career, Nate never forgot Maddie, not for a single day.

Nate looked out the Hummer’s windshield to the bridal shop. Maddie. They had been so young and naive back then, but she was the only one who knew him inside and out. It was as if she held his heart in her hand and gazed into it like a crystal ball. The great mystery to him was that his heart had spoken back to her.

Nate told Maddie he wanted a career in medicine, but he’d never told anyone about the moment when a cosmic clash had taken place in his life. It had been as if his future had rushed to the present and shown him his path.

Nate was only ten when he spent an entire afternoon huddled in the horse barn with one of his father’s prize mares, who was in labor. His father, Angelo, had called for the vet, but the man was late in coming to the farm. Angelo had been anxious and short with the vet. This mare was his most prized horse. He was terrified she would die.

Nate stroked the horse’s neck and calmed her with soothing words and whispers, never leaving her side. When the vet finally arrived, he went straight to work. The mare’s heart was weak, and though Angelo had been warned not to breed her every year, he had not listened. The strain on her heart was too much. However, the vet was a skilled and knowledgeable man and saved both the mare and the colt.

Nate had decided that day that he wanted to be a doctor. Not a vet or a general practitioner. He wanted to be a cardiac surgeon. His mind was made up.

However, Nate’s parents had always insisted their sons devote their careers to the ever-expanding farm and produce business. Nate struggled for years with schemes and scenarios for how he would tell his parents about his own dreams. He believed Gina would understand, but there was no doubt in his mind that she wanted him to live at home.

By the time Nate was in high school, he had observed that his parents weren’t affectionate toward each other. They didn’t hold hands the way he held Maddie’s hand. He never once saw his father put his arm around Gina. And whenever they sat anywhere in public—baseball games, movies, plays—they always placed the boys between them as if trying to keep their distance from each other.

Angelo was domineering and he had high standards when it came to his sons. By the time Nate graduated from high school, he’d allowed his parents to think that a degree in agriculture was just fine with him. He’d been accepted at Purdue and pretended to make all the necessary plans for the fall semester.

He’d been a coward, and it had caused a lot of people a great deal of pain.

Nate took one last look at the bridal shop where Maddie was no doubt making more wedding plans. When Nate first applied for the job at the Indian Lake Hospital, he’d briefly thought about Maddie, but he’d he’d shelved his memories of her a long time ago.

Nate believed that people didn’t change their core personalities as they matured. Even at seventeen, Maddie had been compassionate, kind, bright, fun and deeply loving.

There had been times during his stint in the navy and later in med school when he’d remembered all too well what it was like to be with Maddie. To love her. As much as he wanted back then to return to Indian Lake and sweep her off her feet, he couldn’t do it. It wouldn’t have been true to himself. He’d sacrificed love in order to be the cardiac surgeon he was today.

Nate had saved numerous lives already, and he intended to go on saving more.

In all his planning and goal-setting and returning for his interview with Dr. Caldwell, not once had he considered that he might actually see Maddie. Seeing her in that gown was a shock. He hadn’t counted on his immense reaction to her—even from a distance. He hadn’t planned for jealousy.

His entire past with her rumbled over him like a tsunami, and he was swept away in it. For the first time in a long time, he felt helpless. He didn’t know who the other guy in her life was, but at this moment he couldn’t imagine any man having ever loved a girl as much as he’d loved Maddie Strong.

Nate expelled a deep breath as a new realization hit him like a fist to his chest. I still do.