Читать книгу Run, Mummy, Run - Cathy Glass, Cathy Glass - Страница 13

Chapter Eight

It was a clear, cold day in late October, when the autumn sun shone through the trees and sent little shafts of sunlight onto the hard earth. Hand in hand, Aisha and Mark made their way along the edge of the field, stopping every so often to pick up pine cones. They examined them, discarded the mildewed ones and, keeping only the best, dropped them into the carrier bag that swung from Aisha’s arm. A little childish rivalry had developed between them, a competition to see who could discover the biggest, the most perfect pine cone: the one that would be used in the centrepiece on their dinner table on Christmas Day.

Aisha had collected pine cones every year for as long as she could remember, spending an afternoon foraging in the countryside with her parents. Once they had collected enough cones, they would return home for her mother’s piping hot dhal, which she’d prepared the night before and said would ‘warm their bones’. After they’d eaten, Aisha would carefully wash the pine cones and spread them on newspaper to dry in the airing cupboard. Once dry, they were put away until December, when she painted them silver and gold, and used them as Christmas decorations, fresh ones every year.

Only this year, Aisha wasn’t doing it with her parents. She was doing it with Mark, who had fitted so perfectly and completely into her life, it was as though he had always been there.

‘Your house must look beautiful at Christmas,’ Mark said, brushing off the dirt from yet another find. ‘I confess, I haven’t put up decorations in recent years, there didn’t seem much point.’

‘And is there one now?’ Aisha teased, sure of his response.

‘Oh, without doubt. But I’m glad I’m coming to your house just the same. It will be a proper family Christmas. My first in ages.’

He put his arm around her shoulders, and drawing her to him, kissed her lightly on the cheek. He often did this – in the street, out shopping, meeting her from work, and when they were alone. It was a little statement of affection that said they were together, a couple, and she was his.

‘Our Christmases are very quiet,’ Aisha said, glancing up, a little concerned. ‘I hope it’s not too quiet for you. There’s just my parents and a few friends who drop by. I’ll make sure we have some decent wine in for you though. No one else drinks.’

Mark laughed good-humouredly and gently squeezed her shoulder. ‘Never mind the wine. I’ll be with you, that’s what counts. It will be my best Christmas ever, decent wine or not.’

He dropped his arm from her shoulders as they left the edge of the field, and then climbed over the stile into the wood. Mark led the way along the narrow, untrodden path, for only he knew where they were going. It had been his suggestion that they came here, when Aisha had told him of her proposed outing, and had asked him if he would like to join her.

‘I know just the place,’ he said, matching her enthusiasm. ‘Plenty of pine trees and very few people. It’s quite a walk as I remember, you can only take the car so far. It’s well off the beaten track.’

Aisha said she didn’t mind a walk, in fact she enjoyed one. And going somewhere different would make it all the more exciting, particularly as this year it was with him.

‘Now if I’m right,’ Mark called over his shoulder as they continued in single file, ‘there’s a stream just up here. My brother and I used to play there for hours as boys. He fell in once and I got a right bollocking, being the eldest.’

‘Don’t worry, I won’t fall in,’ she laughed.

‘Good. I don’t want a telling-off from your mother. I’m still trying to impress her.’

Further up, the trees thinned out and a makeshift wooden bridge appeared. ‘I was right!’ Mark cried, stopping. ‘It hasn’t changed at all in all these years! Now, do be careful and use the rail. I’ll go first; if it takes my weight, it will certainly take yours.’

Aisha waited as Mark took hold of the gnarled branch that acted as a handrail and tentatively tested the planks of wood with his foot, then started gingerly across. ‘It’s OK,’ he called. ‘But mind how you go.’

She followed, running her hand along the rough wooden rail. She looked down into the small gully only a few feet below and saw the trickle of a stream running at the bottom. Even if the bridge were to give way, she thought, and they fell in, they wouldn’t do themselves much damage. They were like children really, alone in the countryside and imagining an awfully big adventure.

‘Your brother couldn’t have got very wet falling in that,’ she called, laughing.

‘No, it’s deeper further up. I’ll show you in a moment.’

On the other side of the bridge, the bank rose sharply and was heavily overgrown. Thick, brown, waist-height briars protruded menacingly from the undergrowth. Mark went ahead, forging a path, holding back the vines so they didn’t spring up and scratch her. It cleared again at the top and Aisha heard the sudden rush of water, unseen and close by. Mark took her arm and led her slowly to the edge of the clearing and they looked down. She gasped in awe and steadied herself against him, for what had been a trickle of a stream beneath the bridge was now a rushing waterfall in a steep and narrow gully.

‘It’s beautiful,’ she cried. ‘Absolutely beautiful! And to think I’ve lived not far from here all these years and didn’t know it existed.’

‘Not many people do,’ he said. ‘Which is why it’s remained so unspoiled.’

She stood beside him, gazing down into the clear pure water as it crashed between the narrow banks before bouncing into a whirlpool and disappearing underground. It looked so fresh and pure she could almost taste the droplets rising in the fine spray. The steady hypnotic flow was so constant and unfaltering it seemed as if there was no movement at all.

‘My brother and I used to make little boats out of sticks and leaves,’ Mark said, after a moment. ‘We would drop them here, at the top, and see whose survived the longest. It kept us amused for hours.’

‘And who won?’ Aisha asked, happy at the shared memory.

‘Me, of course,’ he laughed. ‘I was the eldest. It had to be me!’

Mark bent down and picked up a large leaf and, curling up the edges so it looked like a small boat, dropped it into the torrent. Aisha linked his arm and they watched together as the makeshift boat rose high on the current of spray, twisting and turning, holding its own, before being sucked into the water and disappearing into the whirlpool at the bottom.

‘Oh well, you can’t win them all,’ he shrugged, straightening.

Aisha continued looking down, gazing into the swirling pool and hoping against the odds that their little boat might yet reappear. But there was no sign of the leaf, it had gone for good, sucked under to decay at the bottom of the riverbed.

‘My father has a saying,’ she said shortly, ‘one of many. He says brooks become crooked by taking the path of least resistance, and people do too. I sometimes wonder if that’s what I’ve done – taken the path of least resistance. The easiest, the most acceptable.’

Mark looked sideways at her with a mixture of humour and indulgence. ‘You say the quaintest things sometimes, Aisha. How could you possibly think that, with everything you’ve achieved?’

She looked up and met his gaze. ‘I’ve conformed though, haven’t I? I’ve always done what was expected of me. The way I met you was the one and only exception.’

‘And what’s wrong with conforming?’ he said. ‘If it’s made you the person you are? You’re perfect, absolutely perfect, as I keep telling you. Though I must confess that makes me feel a certain responsibility sometimes.’

‘For me?’ she asked, surprised. ‘Why should you feel responsible for me? You didn’t make me what I am.’

‘No, but you’re so untouched, unscathed. Vulnerable, almost. I worry that I might harm you in some way.’

She looked at him and then spoke with uncharacteristic sharpness. ‘I’m not an ornament, Mark. I won’t break. Please don’t treat me as if I will.’

He fell silent for a moment. Then, with a small start, he turned squarely to face her. Taking hold of her shoulders, he drew her gently away from the edge of the gully, then placed his fingers lightly under her chin and tenderly tilted her face up towards his. His parted lips came down on hers and Aisha closed her eyes, and felt his mouth, firm and insistent with desire. She felt his body pressing against hers, his tongue exploring her mouth as he clasped her to him. She looped her hands round his neck and clung to him, buried her fingers into his hair, and returned the passion in his kiss. How she loved him, how close she felt to him, how she now yearned for him. She wanted Mark to know that – that if his passion continued and grew, and he wanted her, then she was at last ready to give herself to him, completely. For Mark had always said it must be her decision; that there was no pressure, no rush, and that he would wait until she was ready. Now she was, and she wanted him to know.

His lips left her mouth and moved slowly across her cheek and to her neck; kissing, sucking, gently taking the skin between his teeth. Her body trembled with desire and anticipation. ‘I need you,’ she breathed. ‘I want you, Mark.’

What could be more natural, she thought, than making love for the first time in this beautiful woodland setting, with the sky as their canopy, and the undergrowth flattened to a makeshift bed. It would be perfect, she knew, and he would be gentle in this as he was in all things. He wouldn’t laugh at her inexperience or clumsiness, he would guide her, she knew. But he would have to be certain that she was ready to give herself to him because he had said he would never take advantage of her.

‘Mark, I want you,’ she breathed against his cheek. ‘I want you now.’ She pressed herself harder against him and felt the desire overpower her and the willingness to give herself up to him completely.

His hands were rubbing the small of her back and his lips were buried in her neck. Then gradually he became very still. His body was close but losing some of its pressure now as the firm embrace of his arms eased. Her hands were still around his neck and her eyes were closed as she felt him pull slightly away. Aisha thought he was going to take off his coat and spread it on the ground, then ease her slowly down and onto it. And she yearned for him now, as she never had before; she wanted him, she was ready. But there was no other movement or sound beyond the distant waterfall and a bird fluttering nearby. She felt Mark close but very still. Slowly she opened her eyes and looked into his as his hands dropped away. It took her a moment to realize that he wasn’t taking off his coat, but was standing still looking at her. Then he spoke, and his voice was flat and empty. ‘We’d better go, Aisha,’ was all he said.

He turned and started walking towards the undergrowth that led to the hill they had climbed together. Aisha went after him, not knowing what was happening. He swiped an overhanging branch as he went and his speed increased.

‘Mark! Wait for me,’ she called. He was walking fast, too fast, she was having to run to keep up and nearly tripped. ‘Mark!’ she called again. ‘Wait for me!’ But he didn’t; he didn’t stop or turn, but kept on walking, gaining distance: through the undergrowth, then out of the thicket and down the hill towards the bridge at the bottom. ‘Mark! Stop! I can’t keep up!’ she cried and ran after him, the bag of cones banging awkwardly against her leg. ‘Mark? Wait! What’s the matter?’

There was no reply. Fear gripped her. He strode on as she slipped and slid down the grassy bank, frantically trying to catch up with him. She went to grab hold of the passing twigs and brambles to steady herself, but the grass was wet and her feet kept slithering from under her. ‘Mark! Please wait!’ she shouted louder, but he ignored her.

Down to the bottom of the hill, his back was towards her, receding, moving further away as he continued, putting more distance between them. The bridge came into sight and he marched straight onto it with no concern for the rotting planks. He stalked across and off the other side. Aisha’s heart pounded as she arrived at the bottom of the hill and ran onto the bridge, trying to keep him in sight. Off the other side of the bridge the gap between them widened as he began along the track that led to the stile.

‘Mark, stop!’ she yelled, out of breath and consumed by panic. ‘For goodness’ sake stop! Tell me what I’ve done!’

She heard the hysteria in her voice and perhaps he heard it too, because he cleared the stile with a leap, then took another step and stopped. His back was towards her, his head was held stiff and erect. She ran to the stile, her breath catching in her throat, and clambered over, scratching her leg as she went. Mark was standing just in front of her now, still turned away, but not moving. She went round to face him. His face was deathly white and the fine lines of his forehead were furrowed deep. He looked past her; focusing on some distant point straight ahead.

‘Mark,’ she said again. ‘Mark, please. What is it? Tell me. What have I done?’

He shrugged, a silent gesture of despair, then slowly brought his gaze to meet hers; his expression saying it was impossible, futile even to begin.

‘Mark?’ she implored. But no, he stepped round her and continued at a slower pace towards the field.

She followed him along the edge of the ploughed field and then into the wood where they had previously sauntered hand in hand, enjoying the peace and tranquillity. And whereas before the isolation had added to her pleasure – just the two of them alone in the countryside – it now made her nervous and afraid. As she followed him, her mind frantically searched for an explanation, something that would give her a clue, a handle on what had happened. A small voice from her past said that it was her fault and she was to blame, that she had thrown herself at a man like some cheap hussy as her mother had warned against, and he had rejected her. Aisha felt bitterly ashamed.

The sky ahead burst fiery orange as the winter sun began its descent. Aisha saw its beauty and felt it bittersweet. Mark would have normally stopped and commented on it – he loved the perfection in nature as much as she. But now they continued separate and in silence, the artwork overhead an unacknowledged witness to their isolation.

A few minutes later, the car came into view and Mark quickened his pace again, delving into his coat pocket for the key fob. She heard the click, and watched as he opened the passenger door and stood aside to let her in. Her stomach tightened as she brushed passed him, his little act of chivalry now seeming ludicrous.

She watched him cross in front of the bonnet, his face set and expressionless as she’d never seen it before. She continued to look straight ahead as he climbed in and slammed the door. She could feel her pulse beating wildly in her chest and could hear his breath, fast and shallow. He threw the car keys onto the dashboard, jammed his hands into this coat pockets and, lowering his head, stared into his lap.

‘Well?’ she said at last, still not looking at him and only just managing to fight back the tears. ‘What have I done, Mark? What could I have possibly done to make you behave like that?’ Again her conscience said it must have been her fault, and fear rose up and engulfed her – if this was the end of their relationship, then she only had herself to blame.

He was silent for what seemed an eternity; a silence that seemed to condemn her; then slowly he took his hands out of his pockets and gripped the steering wheel. She saw his knuckles, clenched and white.

‘You haven’t done anything,’ he said tightly. ‘It’s me. I should have told you sooner. Now it’s too late.’

She turned to look at him, even more confused. ‘Told me what? What do you mean?’

He paused and drew a muted breath. ‘About me. My past. Choosing the wrong partner. I should have told you, but I knew you wouldn’t understand.’

She stared at him and found no comfort in his words. Clearly whatever had happened, she hadn’t understood. ‘You did tell me – about Angela?’ she said at last.

He paused again, then clenched and unclenched his hands on the wheel. ‘But I haven’t told you all of it. There was someone else before you.’

She stared at him. ‘So, you went out with someone else, before me. That’s not so awful. It doesn’t explain—’

‘No,’ he interrupted roughly. ‘It was more than that. I lived with someone – for five years. I wanted to tell you, but I never found the right moment and then it was too late. I knew that if I did tell you there was a chance I would lose you, and I couldn’t bear the thought of that.’ A muscle twitched nervously at the corner of his mouth. Aisha heard the words individually before understanding their full implication.

‘You lived with someone?’ she said slowly. ‘For five years? So you were married really, only without the piece of paper.’

He laughed, cynical and biting. ‘There! I knew you wouldn’t understand. How could you, with your upbringing?’

She was quiet, feeling the accusation, the condemnation of her culture and naivety. ‘I don’t think I have ever judged you, Mark,’ she said quietly.

‘Until now!’

She turned away and looked through the windscreen, concentrating on the darkening skyline as the sun continued its descent. ‘So what’s changed?’ she asked after a moment. ‘Why tell me now?’

He sighed. ‘Your passion. It made me realize how far our relationship had come. I knew I couldn’t continue without you knowing. I’m sorry, I don’t expect you to understand. I’ll take you home.’

‘No!’ she cried, panicking at the finality of what he’d said. ‘If you try talking to me instead of shutting me out, I might. I can’t possibly understand anything unless you tell me, Mark.’

He flexed his shoulders and looked around as though scouring the air for the right words. Releasing the wheel, he sat back and took a deep breath. Aisha looked ahead and tried to calm the nausea rising in her throat.

‘When my marriage to Angela ended I moved out, as you know,’ he said in a dead-beat voice. ‘I lived alone in a rented bedsit. It was squalid, but it was all I could afford what with having to pay maintenance. I was alone, with nothing to think about but the children and what I’d lost. I became very depressed. I couldn’t see any point in anything anymore. I know that must seem strange to you, seeing the person I am now. I really had reached rock bottom. Then I met Christine. She was younger than me and full of energy and fun. She picked me up and brushed me down, gave me a new lease of life. I didn’t stop to consider what I was doing, I was just grateful for her company. Within a few months, we had set up home together, and it was only then I found out.’

He paused, but Aisha didn’t say anything, she looked ahead and waited for him to continue.

‘Christine was fun all right, the life and soul of the party, but she needed a drink to do it. In fact, she needed a drink for everything – she was an alcoholic. I’d had my suspicions early on but I hadn’t realized the implications until we’d been together for nearly two years. She was very clever at hiding it; they are, alcoholics. I enjoy a drink as much as the next person, but I’d never known anyone dependent on it like she was. It was a drug to her. The most important thing in the world. She used to live for the next drink. When I finally realized, I confronted her and there was a dreadful scene. She accused me of spying on her, but I was only trying to help. From then on it went from bad to worse. She no longer hid her drinking and drank openly, all the time. She lost her job, then didn’t have to sober up at all. She began staying in bed, just getting up to go out for more booze. I threw the bottles away, time and time again, but that always led to another ugly scene. She paid with her credit card; it didn’t bother her that she couldn’t afford it. I would come home from work to find her drunk or unconscious and lying in a pool of vomit.

‘I stood it for as long as I could and I tried to help, believe me, I did. I didn’t want another relationship to fail. Then, one night, she wasn’t there when I came home from work. I was relieved to begin with, but when it got to midnight I started to worry. I thought she could be unconscious somewhere, in a gutter, freezing to death. I didn’t know where to look so I sat up all night, waiting. She finally staggered in at four o’clock in the morning, completely paralytic. God knows where she’d been; she looked dreadful and stank of piss.’

He paused for a moment, struggling to find the words.

‘She wanted sex. We hadn’t made love for months; I hadn’t wanted to, not in the state she was in. It was disgusting, I couldn’t possibly. But she wouldn’t take no for an answer and kept coming up and pressing herself against me. I could smell the sick and booze. In the end I pushed her away … I didn’t know what I was doing … I pushed her too hard, she fell and hit her head. That was the end for me. The following day I packed and left. I never saw her again. It was all so humiliating and ugly, Aisha. I just wanted to forget it. But when I felt the depth of your love today – your passion – I knew I should have told you sooner.’

He fell silent and Aisha heard his breathing soften and felt her own heart settle. He had told her his darkest secret, the worst had been said and it wasn’t so bad, not really; she was just sorry he hadn’t told her sooner. She hadn’t realized she was so unapproachable, so perhaps it was her fault after all. She reached out and touched his arm. ‘Mark, I’m glad you’ve told me now. Thank you.’

He turned to look at her, his face still pale, his expression tight. ‘Can you ever forgive me, Aisha? I’m sorry. I’ve hated myself these past six months for not telling you. And I’m sorry I overreacted back there, it’s not like me at all.’

She moved closer to him and slid her arms around his neck. ‘There’s nothing to forgive. I only wish you felt you could have told earlier. You’ve no idea how much you frightened me just now. I thought I’d done something awful.’

He pulled her to him and buried his face in her hair. ‘Oh, my little love! You could never do that. You’re perfect, so very special. I’d die rather than hurt you.’

He kissed her hair, then her face and neck, and she clung to him as relief flooded through her. It was his conscience that had made him react as he had and the depth of his love for her.

‘Can you ever forgive me?’ he breathed into her hair, holding her tight, so tight, as if he would never let go.

‘Of course I forgive you,’ Aisha said gently. ‘I understand why you behaved as you did.’

‘Do you? Really?’ Mark asked slightly surprised.

‘Yes, I do.’

‘Aisha, can you ever trust me …’ His voice faltered. ‘Can you ever love me again? Can it be the same as before?’ ‘Yes I can, Mark. It will be.’

‘Can you trust and love me enough to be my wife? Aisha, will you marry me?’

Aisha gasped. Love flooded her heart as all fear of him vanished. It was going to be all right after all. She turned to him, took one of his hands in hers and kissed it gently. ‘Yes, Mark. I will.’