Читать книгу Happy Kids & Happy Mealtimes: The complete guide to raising contented children - Cathy Glass, Cathy Glass - Страница 8
ОглавлениеBaby and the 3Rs: 0–1
In the last fifty years advice on looking after baby has altered dramatically, and has almost gone full circle – from the 1950s strict routines of four-hourly feeds and plenty of fresh air, through Dr Spock’s liberation of the 1960s where mum and baby knew best, to the 1970s embrace with the ‘tribal’ approach, where baby spent all day in a sling strapped to one of its parents and all night in their bed. Recently there has been a move back to the stricter routine, as many mothers return to work and exhausted parents grapple with feeding on demand and the following day’s hectic work schedule.
This book is concerned with children’s behaviour, so I shall not be discussing the pros and cons of different baby-rearing regimes, nor the basics of looking after baby, for example feeding and bathing. There are already thousands of books on the market that do this, and most parents will find they adapt an approach which best suits their lifestyle. However, a working routine is an intrinsic and important part of the 3Rs and successfully raising a contented baby comes down to how you deal with two things: sleep and crying.
Sleep
Sleep takes on a whole new meaning with the arrival of a baby, simply because babies don’t. Well, they do, but not necessarily when the parents need to sleep, which is at night, and preferably for seven unbroken hours. A newborn baby can’t sleep through the night, as it can’t hold enough food in its tiny stomach. So nature has built in a fail-safe way of making sure baby is fed: mouth wide open, it screams the house down. This hunger cry is not the cry of a child who has hurt itself and needs comforting but nature’s inbuilt response to hunger, which guarantees that baby can’t be ignored, is fed and therefore survives and thrives. We have to accept that babies cry when they need feeding.
But why is baby still crying when it has been fed and changed? Good question. While baby manuals and child psychologists offer a wealth of possibilities for a baby not settling – from the trauma of birth to sheer bloody-mindedness – no one knows for sure. Other reasons may include being too warm, or cold, needing to be held, boredom, tiredness, thirst, colic and illness, but the end result is the same: crying.
Baby has just spent nine months tucked up snugly in a warm, wet womb, and no matter how pretty the nursery, it’s hardly a good substitute for this previous all-enveloping embrace – well, not to begin with at least. If baby is to settle when you put him to sleep or go back to sleep if he’s woken he will require a lot of reassuring. You will need to reassure baby that his needs will be met, as well as teaching him what you want in respect of routine, sleeping, etc. This can be achieved by using the 3Rs.
Request, Repeat and Reassure
Assuming baby is not ill (in which case seek medical advice), that the room is the right temperature and that baby is fed and clean, resettle the crying baby using the 3Rs: Request, Repeat and Reassure. First, Request baby to go back to sleep by tucking him in and settling, preferably without picking him up. Come out of the room, if baby has his own room, or move away from the cot if baby is in the parents’ room. Keep the lighting to a minimum – just enough for you to see what you are doing – and don’t make a lot of noise. It was dark in the womb and relatively quiet, and a sudden noise or bright light will startle baby.
If baby now settles and goes back to sleep, then you don’t need the second two stages in the 3Rs – well, not this time at least. But if baby is still screaming, then go to stages two and three. Repeat the procedure by going quietly into baby’s room or to the cot, and Reassure by tucking him in and resettling him. Then come out or move away. If baby is colicky, then change his position and wind him to release the trapped air, preferably not by taking him out of the cot but by leaning over to do this. Then come out or move away.
Still screaming? Do it again. Repeat and Reassure. This time with some verbal reassurance – ‘Sshhh, sshh, there, there … sleep time’ – in a low, calming voice. Just a few words so that baby doesn’t feel alone and is reassured by the sound of your voice, which he will already be used to, having heard it in the womb and since birth.
Still hasn’t settled? Repeat the procedure by going quietly into baby’s room or to the cot, and Reassure by tucking him in and resettling him. Repeat the procedure for as long as is necessary each and every time baby cries for an extended period. The time needed to resettle will quickly become less and less, until after a few nights (no more than five), the baby will settle within moments of being put to bed and go back to sleep after being fed.
What not to do at night
The above assumes that baby isn’t sleeping in the same bed as its parents, which is true of the majority of Western homes. I have never practised or encouraged baby sleeping in the same bed. It can be a difficult habit to break, and parents need some privacy, given that the rest of their lives have been taken over by the new arrival. It is also unnecessary to have baby in the same bed if baby is resettled and reassured by using the 3Rs.
I have never, and would never, leave a baby to cry itself to sleep, and this is something I feel most strongly about. Not only is it distressing for the baby not to have its needs met by being reassured and resettled, but it is also very distressing for parents to listen to their baby crying. No caring parent could happily turn over and go back to sleep with a baby shrieking in the room next door. Not having its needs met can engender insecurity in a baby, and guilt in the parents for not meeting its needs. Some mothers report feeling physically sick if they hear their baby cry and don’t answer its call. After all, Mother Nature has designed the cry to be responded to and it’s far easier (and loving) to get up and Reassure baby than lie there trying to blot out the shrieks.
Some of the saddest cases I have seen as a foster carer have been when babies were left to cry themselves to sleep, before they came into care, often as a result of the parents being too drunk or drugged to hear or answer their baby’s call. After a while the baby stops crying, completely, having learned there is no point: its needs are not going to be met, there’s no one coming, so it may as well shut up. These babies lie almost lifeless in their cots, in absolute silence, staring at the ceiling with blank expressionless eyes. Even when you go into their rooms they don’t look at you or smile.
Extreme cases, yes, but if you ignore baby’s cries for long enough, baby will stop crying – you wouldn’t keep asking for something that never ever came. I’m not suggesting you rush in at the slightest murmur – baby may turn over and go back to sleep. But if baby is crying for no obvious reason, then resettle using the 3Rs.
Daytime routine
Don’t be surprised if you have to resettle baby occasionally even after you have established a routine and baby is settling straight after feeding or being put down for a rest. Babies vary greatly in the amount of reassurance and sleep they need, and also in the degree to which they are affected by external stimuli. While one baby might sleep through an entire house party, another might be woken and become anxious by a door closing. Baby literature that continually quotes a norm – for example, at four months baby should be sleeping for x amount of hours – should be viewed with caution, as any parent will verify. One baby I looked after slept fourteen (unbroken) hours a night from two months old. Another only ever managed seven (broken) hours until she was two, but using the 3Rs she did learn to lie in her cot contentedly until I went in. The length of time needed to resettle a baby decreases each time you use the 3Rs, until eventually baby realises that its needs will be met and there’s no need to panic and scream.
That’s night-time. So what happens during the day when baby won’t settle? You apply the same 3Rs technique. You will be organising your day to suit your lifestyle, and baby will slowly be fitting in. Play with baby, and give him or her lots of kisses and cuddles. You can’t give a young baby too much attention, despite what some baby gurus suggest; you can’t and won’t spoil a baby, so enjoy him or her during the day when he or she is awake – babies thrive on love and attention. But when it’s time for baby to sleep, or settle in the cot, while you get on with something else or just have a coffee, baby needs to learn what is expected. So use the 3Rs approach.
I would always suggest settling baby for a daytime sleep in the cot he or she sleeps in at night, rather than on the sofa or in the pram. It reinforces the idea that the cot and room equals sleep/quiet time. Make the room as dark and quiet as possible, as it is at night. Request baby to go to sleep by going through your routine of laying him down and tucking him in; then come out of the room just as you did at night-time. If baby doesn’t settle, then go in quietly and Repeat by resettling. Come out again and Repeat for as long as is necessary. Investment of time now (as at night) will soon be well rewarded. Try not to pick up baby if he’s supposed to be settling in his cot. There will be plenty of other times during the day when you can pick him up, cuddle and play with him (as indeed you should), but if you want baby to go down for a nap, Reassure and resettle, then come out. It can be very confusing for a baby to be continuously picked up and put down; he or she will become unsettled by your mixed messages, and won’t know what you want. Request, Repeat and Reassure gives baby a clear message which he or she will soon follow.
If you establish the routine and ground rules right from the beginning, so that baby knows what to expect, your role as a parent will be that much easier as the child grows. Request, Repeat and Reassure equals security and routine for babies, and in due course well-adjusted, loving and respectful children who are a credit to your parenting.
Toddler and the terrible twos: 1–3
If you were surprised by just how much of a personality and mind of its own baby had in the first year, it’s nothing compared to what happens now. To your absolute delight, baby crawls, begins to talk, toddles and then walks confidently. He or she is now able to explore a whole new world, which had hitherto been out of reach. With this mobility come limitless possibilities and choices; and the toddler makes more demands, becomes increasingly assertive and challenges you.
Toddlers are inquisitive and naturally want to explore the world around them; they also want to take responsibility for their own lives – more so than they are capable of. They want to be liked, which is a great bonus for parents (and carers), as a young child can quickly learn that cooperation puts them in a favourable light and makes their parents happy. During these early years the child also imitates the behaviour of those around them – particularly those he or she spends most time with (parents and carers) – and uses their behaviour as a role model. This imitation is another bonus in socialising the child and achieving acceptable behaviour, but just as a young child imitates positive behaviour so he or she will also copy negative behaviour.
Dr Spock (a 1960s child psychologist) asserted that the key to a child’s good behaviour was positive guidance in a loving family. Agreed. But even in the most loving of families there will still be plenty of instances where a young child behaves unacceptably. Often this negative behaviour takes the parents by surprise, as it appears to have come from nowhere, and is not generic in the family’s behaviour. Outbursts of negative behaviour are a natural part of a young child’s development, as he or she begins to test the boundaries of their autonomy, but this unacceptable behaviour still needs addressing; otherwise it will develop and become the norm.
Terrible twos
The ‘terrible twos’ is a term which sums up the little individual who, having discovered his or her autonomy, has developed very strong views on many issues, and clearly believes he or she knows best. This stage can start before the child’s second birthday and extend long after, and is regarded by many parents as the most trying time in a child’s life. With the toddler’s liberation from the cot and pram he or she has gained a tremendous feeling of freedom: freedom to explore, make decisions and leave his or her mark on the world. And although this is a wondrous and amazing discovery for a very young child, it can also be very frightening if left unchecked.
Freedom is fantastic as long as it is controlled and moderated by someone who knows better than the child and has the child’s best interests at heart. This is the reason we, as parents, put in place boundaries that set limits on the freedom of behaviour, beyond which the child may not go. Boundaries of acceptable behaviour show the child how to behave and take his or her place in both the family and society at large. During the process of putting in place boundaries, the young child will be encouraged to do certain things and stopped from doing other things – by example, through verbal direction and ultimately by the parent’s action. If, as the parent, you Request your child to do something, or stop doing something negative, then you must see through your Request – Request, Repeat and Reassure, where Reassure becomes Reaffirm as you make the toddler do as you have asked.
My heart always goes out to the harassed mother in the supermarket who is trying to reason with her toddler to get into the pushchair, or return a packet of sweets to the shelves, and receiving in return absolutely no cooperation and instead a cute smile or a defiant ‘No. Won’t!’ Verbal persuasion is fine, and indeed it is an intrinsic part of the 3Rs, but this is the point where Request and Repeat becomes Reaffirm, and the result is achieved by gently but firmly making the child do as you have reasonably Requested, using physical means if necessary.
Smacking
I need to say at this point that I would never smack or physically punish a child in any way. It is illegal for childminders or foster carers to smack a child in their care, and to smack a child who is not your own could result in a prosecution for assault. It isn’t illegal in the UK for a parent to smack their child, as long it falls within ‘reasonable chastisement’ and the smack is not hard enough to leave a mark. However, smacking suggests a loss of control on the part of the parent and sets a bad example to the child. If you smack, your child is likely to follow your example; and the bottom line is that smacking is a form of abuse. You wouldn’t want your child smacking or hitting anyone else; indeed you would tell him or her off for doing so. It is worth noting that since Sweden banned smacking, child deaths at the hands of parents have fallen to nil; in Britain there are still more than one a week. Countless studies have shown that smacking is not a successful tool for managing a child’s behaviour and can leave psychological scars well into adulthood. It’s far better to apply positive guidance following the 3Rs approach, where your child does as you have asked without physical punishment.
Let’s take a closer look at how the 3Rs technique works in practice, using the example of the toddler who won’t get into its pushchair in the supermarket. This example is a good working model for all other behaviour where a toddler won’t do as requested.
First you Request the child to get into its pushchair, giving the reason – ‘Claire, get into your pushchair now, love. We need to go through the checkout.’ You say it kindly but firmly, and in an even voice. This is the voice of the parent who is in charge, and the voice that the child will be learning comes with a reasonable request. If your child refuses, you Repeat the Request more firmly – ‘Get into the pushchair now, please. We need to go through the checkout.’ If there is still no cooperation, then you Reaffirm by telling your child what you are going to do, i.e. what will happen if the child doesn’t do as you have asked, which in this case will be to put Claire into the pushchair.
You should always warn the child what you are going to do – i.e. what the consequences of their non-cooperation will be. This gives the child another opportunity to do as you have Requested (the final opportunity); also, when you see through your Request with physical action, it won’t startle or frighten the child. Suddenly picking up a fractious child and strapping him or her into the pushchair is likely to make them even more resistant (and fractious).
But don’t get into a debate about the whys and wherefores of what you have asked your child to do. Children of all ages can be very good at debating when they don’t want to comply, and a lengthy and heated discussion will only make you more frustrated and challenge your Request and authority. You can discuss the pros and cons of why you needed the child’s cooperation later, when the child has done as asked and is more open to reason. For now you have reasonably Requested your child to do something, giving the reason, and Repeated the request, and the child must do as he or she has been asked. You are the parent and you are in charge.
Do not back down. This is important: otherwise your Request will sound hollow next time. However, you can modify your Request if you think it is appropriate. For example, ‘Get into the pushchair now, Claire, and you can walk when we are out of the supermarket.’
So the final Request is made and the consequences for the child, if she doesn’t comply, stated – ‘Claire, get into your pushchair, now please. Otherwise I will have to put you in.’ You can now offer a reassuring and guiding hand, directing Claire into the pushchair. But if Claire is still refusing, then you gently but firmly lift her into the pushchair and fasten the safety harness. ‘Well done, Claire. You stay there.’
If you and Claire have had similar experiences before while shopping and you employed the 3Rs technique and saw through your Request, then there is less likelihood that Claire will make a scene – she will do as you have asked. Whatever the situation, each time you use the 3Rs the result will be achieved more quickly. The child learns that he or she might as well cooperate and receive your praise, as protest is pointless because he or she will be doing what you have asked anyway.
When the child does as you have asked, praise him or her; positive encouragement is essential for implementing and maintaining good behaviour. But don’t go over the top, particularly if the child has resisted – ‘Good girl’ or ‘Well done’ is sufficient.
Tantrums
If the child isn’t used to cooperating and you are now having to modify his or her behaviour, or if the child has decided that he or she is going to test the boundaries, be prepared for a scene. Tantrums are natural for this age group, and any parent who claims their child has never had a tantrum is lying. Don’t back down, no matter how bad the tantrum; see through your Request. It will be far easier next time – clear and consistent boundaries are crucial for developing good behaviour.
I know it’s embarrassing having a child screaming and shouting in a public place. Everyone looks at you with disapprobation; even other mothers take on a holier-than-thou expression, as though their little darlings would never be so wilful. Ignore them, or smile sweetly (through clenched teeth if necessary). You are in charge of your child, you are doing what is best for him or her and ultimately it’s nothing to do with the onlookers. I was once in a shop when an exasperated mother, struggling with her wilful child at the checkout, turned to the woman behind and hissed, ‘And what the hell are you looking at?’ Not very polite, but I could sympathise; every mother has felt like that at some time.
Regardless of how loud your child is yelling, or how much you wish the ground would open up and swallow you, it is essential you do not give in to the tantrum. By all means talk calmly to the child – communication is always important – and Repeat, Reassure and Reaffirm what you have asked for – ‘Claire, you are staying in the pushchair until we have left the supermarket.’
If Claire breaks free of the pushchair, then pick her up and put her in again. Reassure and Reaffirm – ‘You are staying in the pushchair until we leave the supermarket’ – for as many times as is needed and until you have left the supermarket. I know it’s hard work, but if the ground rules are put in place now it becomes a lot, lot easier when the child is older.
Rewards
You can add a reward for later, but don’t bribe: it weakens your position. Never say, ‘If you’re good, I’ll buy you some sweets,’ because I guarantee that the next time you go shopping the child’s behaviour will be even worse. Children are not daft, and if a tantrum brings sweets then a tantrum he or she will have. I have fostered children who have actually said, ‘If you don’t buy me that I’ll scream.’ Such blackmail is inappropriate control, and had I given in it would have been an open invitation for the child to behave the same way next time, probably upping the stakes with a bigger demand. What you can say, by way of a reward is, ‘Claire, you are staying in the pushchair until we leave the supermarket, and then we could go to the park.’ But only if going to the park fits in with your plans and you can keep your promise.
If you offer a reward or incentive for completing some good behaviour, then make sure you give the reward. A broken promise or unkept incentive is worse than no reward at all. Not only will the child begin to distrust what you say, so that any further offer of an incentive will be met with scepticism and doubt (and make the incentive worthless), but the child will see the unfairness in the broken promise. Children of all ages base much of their moral code on fairness, and will often take any unfairness very personally, more so than adults.
I often foster older children with serious behavioural difficulties or ‘challenging behaviour’, as it’s sometimes euphemistically called. With these children comes years of unruly, demanding and anti-social behaviour that has to be unlearned before there is any improvement. I am guaranteed full-scale tantrums in public places in the early days when the child doesn’t get everything he or she wants. And if you thought a two-year-old had a good set of lungs, you want to hear a nine-year-old in full flight! Assured of getting his or her own way from years of learned negative behaviour, the child lies in the middle of the supermarket aisle and screams insults and abuse, while thrashing his or her limbs for full effect. It’s a show-stopper, believe me. I have to remain calm and wait for it to pass, talking to the child, Reassuring and Reaffirming when they pause for breath. The 3Rs works whatever the child’s age, although it can take longer to change negative behaviour permanently with the older child where the behaviour has become ingrained.
One foster carer I know employed a different strategy when the child she was looking after erupted for the umpteenth time in the middle of a busy store, and turned the tables. Instead of cringing with embarrassment and trying to hide behind the water melons, which is very tempting, she called attention to the child by inviting the onlookers to have a closer look – ‘Come and see. Shane is having another tantrum,’ she announced in a loud voice to those staring. ‘I think he’s a bit old for that!’ The child was so surprised and embarrassed by the attention (which was less welcome after his carer’s comments) that he immediately got up from the floor, quietly, and never did it again. I’m not recommending this as a strategy for managing tantrums, but it is a neat example of how reverse psychology can work.
The example of toddler Claire and the pushchair shows how the 3Rs technique works when a child is refusing to do something that you have reasonably Requested. The technique is used in exactly the same way if you want a child to stop doing something.
If toddler Tom is busy running his toy lorry over the coffee table, where it’s likely to scratch the polished surface, you Request, ‘Tom, please use the floor/playmat as a road for your lorry. The metal wheels will scratch the coffee table.’ If Tom doesn’t stop, you Repeat the Request, guiding him and the lorry to the floor or playmat, and praise him – ‘Good boy’. If he returns the lorry to the table, then Repeat the Request, this time stating the consequences – ‘Tom, play with the lorry on the floor, please, where I have shown you. Otherwise I will have to put the lorry away for now.’ If Tom defies you and continues to run the lorry over the table, then gently (don’t snatch) take the toy away from him for a set period of time, telling him what you are doing and why – ‘Tom, I asked you to play with the lorry on the floor and you didn’t. I’m now putting the lorry away for ten minutes. Then you can have it back to play with on the floor.’
When you return the lorry, ten minutes later, place it on the floor where Tom should be playing, and praise him – ‘Good boy, play with the lorry on the floor.’ The likelihood is that Tom will now do as you have asked, depending on whether you have seen through your Request before. If Tom defiantly returns the lorry to the table, then make another Request, with the consequences – ‘Tom, I have asked you to play with your lorry on the floor, and if you don’t, I’ll put the lorry away for longer.’ If he continues, then take the lorry away for thirty minutes.
When you return it, put it on the floor where he should play and Reaffirm – ‘Good boy, play with it there.’ Assume he will do as asked; don’t wait around expecting to be challenged. If Tom still defies you, then put away the lorry for the rest of the morning or afternoon – ‘Tom, I think it’s better for you to play with something else today.’
When you return it, assume he will do as asked, so that you are starting with a clean slate. If he does return the lorry to the table, then take it away for the rest of the day and the following day return it quietly to the toy box so that it doesn’t become an issue. When Tom rediscovers the lorry the incident of the previous day will be a thing of the past – for both of you.
Be consistent
The boundaries and rules you put in place must be clear and consistent. It is pointless not allowing Tom to play with his lorry on the table one day and then allowing it another day. Children can have very long memories, and will quickly spot inconsistencies or injustice – ‘But you let me do it yesterday’ – and I’m afraid no justification on your part will make up for the obvious: that mum’s rules are pliable and therefore can be bent. And don’t let your child manipulate you – ‘Can I have my lorry on the table if I don’t move the wheels?’ You have made the decision, which is based on your experience that it is inadvisable, so the answer is ‘No’.
You can compromise, but only if it is an acceptable compromise to you, and one that you allowed from the start – ‘You can play with the lorry on the table, but I’ll put a cloth on the table first so it won’t get scratched.’ At this age children are learning all about compromise through sharing their toys with others, and compromise is an essential lesson for later life. But again, be consistent. If it is OK for Tom to play on the table covered with a cloth one day, then that is always the case.
Some techniques
Before we look at the next phase in a child’s development, I want to pause to look at some general strategies and observations which apply to managing children of all ages. Some of what follows may be obvious, and you may already be aware of, or using, the approach; other points will give you an insight into a new (or improved) way of guiding your child into a happy, confident and well-behaved individual.
Positive rather than negative
Always take a positive view, and assume that good behaviour in your child is the norm. Start each day afresh and do not hang on to past grievances. Children quickly move on and forget their bad behaviour. They want your praise for doing what is right, so they won’t dwell on instances when they didn’t get it right, and neither should you.
You, as the parent, need to set the example, the base line, when it comes to assuming positive behaviour. If your child misbehaves, act surprised – ‘Good heavens, Tom! You know you don’t do that.’ And if Tom persists in misbehaving, then employ the 3Rs – Request, Repeat and Reaffirm. You can refer to a previous negative incident if Tom is repeating an act that you have already dealt with, but don’t labour the point – ‘Tom, I told you yesterday why you mustn’t run your lorry over the coffee table. Play with it on the floor. Good boy.’ Tom will more than likely now do as you have asked. He wants to be liked and he doesn’t want the lorry to be taken away again. But if Tom doesn’t comply then calmly warn him of the consequences, as you did the day before and, if necessary, remove the lorry, returning it later to the toy box so that it doesn’t become an issue.
It is essential to be positive and assume good behaviour in your child, as otherwise you will be setting yourself up for failure. Your feelings of negativity will become a self-fulfilling prophecy and your expectations of bad behaviour met. The term ‘self-fulfilling prophecy’ applies to many situations, throughout life, and is a useful concept to remember when managing your child. Simply, it is a prediction that causes itself to become true. So that if you are in a negative frame of mind and expecting the worst, then almost certainly the worst will come to you. Conversely, if you are positive, then your body language will express this in hundreds of subtle signals that others subconsciously pick up and react to. Some studies have suggested that non-verbal communication – i.e. body language – accounts for 55 per cent of our communication, with tone of voice making up 38 per cent and words a mere 7 per cent. Children (and adults) read non-verbal signs and act accordingly.
When managing your child’s behaviour, feel positive and act positively, even if things aren’t going well. Your child will tune into your positive ‘vibes’: Mum likes me, and Mum knows I’m going to behave, therefore I will. Remember that children are not born to challenge you and misbehave; there is no naughty gene, despite what you might feel sometimes. Children are clean slates upon which you can write. Even if there has been a lot of negative behaviour in the past, using the 3Rs you can wipe the slate clean and by being positive improve your child’s behaviour.
Control
Much of managing a child’s behaviour is about control – yours and the child’s. Clearly you should not be a control freak, trying to remove all traits of assertion or individuality from your child. But children of all ages need their parents to be in control and to guide them. Every day brings new situations for the developing child, where decisions have to be made, advice given and control implemented by you.
Before you ask a child to do something, or stop him from doing something, always make sure what you are asking is a reasonable and necessary Request. You will know if it is reasonable because there will be a reason attached to it – ‘Tom, please don’t pull the cat’s tail. It’s unkind and hurts the cat.’ This is a reasonable Request and you can see it through using the 3Rs.
But what about this? ‘Tom, don’t bang that drum. It’s getting on my nerves.’ Is this reasonable? Possibly. The relentless banging of a drum at close proximity is enough to get on anyone’s nerves. But wouldn’t it be more reasonable to say, ‘Tom, take the drum into the front room/down the garden, please, where it’s not so loud for me’? I think this is more reasonable. Tom can have his fun, and you, the parent, will not have your nerves shredded by the relentless banging. If Tom refuses what is now a Reasonable Request, then employ the 3Rs to see through your Request.
It is surprising just how many of these little ‘reasonableness’ situations there are every day, and we need to base our Requests on what is reasonable for both us, the parents, and the child. Here are some examples:
* It is reasonable for Tom to sit at the table and eat nicely.
* It is reasonable for Tom to use an overall when painting so that his clothes don’t get spoiled.
* It is reasonable for Claire to have her hair washed, although she doesn’t like it.
* It is not reasonable to switch off the television in the middle of Claire’s favourite programme (which she always watches) to have her hair washed because that is what you have decided. Insisting on this because it suits you is an unnecessary and unhealthy form of control.
* It is not reasonable for Tom never to be allowed to paint because of the mess he will make. Tom needs to play (and make a mess), and he can be taught to help clear up.
Control isn’t only about you, the parent, steering your child to good and acceptable behaviour: it is also about the child’s right of control. Children of all ages need some control over their lives in order to grow into healthy responsible adults. If children are never allowed to make their own decisions (and mistakes), they will have nothing on which to base teenage or adult decision making. The child will feel that he or she has no right to an opinion, no voice and therefore little or no control over their life. This leaves them very vulnerable and at the mercy of anyone who wants to dominate or use them; it is exactly this type of child (and adult) who is taken advantage of, or even abused. Parents who are over-controlling tend to produce either introverted and excruciatingly shy children, or those who fly in the face of convention and the law, often into their late teens and early twenties.
Alternatively, a child who has been given no control, and therefore no moral code to guide them when decision making, can rebel as a teenager and become out of control – and thus a danger to themselves and others.
Control is therefore about balance, with the parent exerting enough control to socialise the child, but not so much as to obliterate individuality, spontaneity or character. Encourage appropriate control in children through their decision making, allowing freedom of choice where appropriate. If you decide something isn’t appropriate, then explain why and see through your reasonable decision, using the 3Rs.
Reasonable Requests and decisions equals reasonable control for you and the child. But what decisions can a child reasonably be expected to make? Here are some examples:
* It is reasonable for Tom and Claire to decide (with guidance) which clothes to wear, as long as it is appropriate – not shorts and T-shirt in winter, or pyjamas to school.
* It is reasonable for Tom and Claire to decide which toys to play with, and if they want tomato sauce on their dinner.
On the other hand, it is reasonable for you to decide:
* their bedtimes
* what time they get up in the morning in order to arrive at nursery or school on time
* how much television they watch and which programmes are suitable.
Likewise you make the decision not to allow Tom or Claire to:
* use matches (when young)
* ride their bikes in the road (until it is age appropriate and they can navigate the traffic)
* tie up and blindfold their younger sibling, as the game will frighten him/her
* kick the football into the flower beds
* shout, scream, swear, kick or in any way hurt other people.
Control is shared, with the child gradually taking more control as they grow and acquire the skills for making sensible decisions. When exerting control, always explain the reason for your decision (and therefore the reason for your control) and then see it through, using the 3Rs as necessary.
If, on reflection, you feel your Request or decision was not reasonable, then reappraise and adjust. Children will often point out unfairness when a parent has got it wrong. In the case of Tom being told to stop banging his drum because it was getting on mum’s nerves, he might say something like, ‘Can’t you cover your ears/go in another room if you don’t like it?’ Here is an opportunity for you to reappraise your Request. Was it reasonable? If it was, explain why and see it through, using the 3Rs. If on reflection you think your request wasn’t reasonable, then offer an alternative – ‘I tell you what, Tom, as I need to be in this room, you take the drum into the front room.’ Your request is now reasonable and Tom needs to comply.
Should you use the naughty chair?
For anyone who is not familiar with this, the naughty chair/step/spot/corner is a designated area where the child is made to sit alone for a set period of time (usually one minute for each year of the child’s age), until he or she is ready to rejoin the family or group and behave. Many parents, carers, childminders and nursery schools use the naughty chair, and find it works very well. It allows the child to take time out to calm down and reflect on his or her bad behaviour. It also reinforces in the child’s mind that he or she has been naughty and their behaviour was unacceptable.
If you are already using the naughty chair method for disciplining your child and it is working, that is fine; continue modifying your child’s unacceptable behaviour in this way. As with all child-rearing advice, do what you feel comfortable with and what works for you and your child. But don’t feel the method is an essential tool for managing your child’s behaviour.
If you are not already using the naughty spot, or feel uncomfortable about using it, then please consider my reasons for not using it:
* Repeatedly having to return a child to the naughty spot if he or she gets off it can turn into confrontation and an issue in itself.
* It has the uncomfortable ring of the Victorian classroom, where a child was singled out and humiliated by being made to stand in a corner or on a chair in front of their class as a punishment.
* It is demeaning for the child to be singled out in a negative way, particularly in front of his or her siblings or peers.
* It draws attention to negative behaviour, and can also easily be viewed by the child as a game, where the child jumps off the spot when mum’s back is turned.
* Having to return the child repeatedly to the naughty spot is another stress for a parent who is already overwrought from having to deal with their child’s bad behaviour. If the child is in the frame of mind to complete the Request to go to the naughty spot first time, and stay there until the time is up, then he or she is unlikely to need this form of discipline in the first place, as the child is already obeying his parent.
Instead of the naughty spot, I use the 3Rs technique, rewarding all good behaviour and applying a sanction if the child persists in the bad behaviour. More on sanctions and rewards follows later.
Don’t use the third person
I have never understood why many parents, teachers, nursery staff and adults tend to refer to themselves in the third person when talking to a child – ‘You know Mummy loves you’, ‘Daddy told you not to go in the shed’, ‘Mrs Smith asked you to clear up after art.’ I can’t think of any other situation where we do this except when an adult talks to a child, and I find it most odd.
You wouldn’t go into a hairdresser’s and say about yourself, ‘Mary would like a haircut, please.’ Or go to the bank and say, ‘Dave would like to talk to the manager about a loan.’ Of course you wouldn’t. It would sound ludicrous, and you would never address another adult in this way. Yet many of us do it with our children.
How or why this habit has developed, I’ve no idea and I haven’t been able to find out. But it is a very unhelpful way for an adult, particularly a parent, to talk to a child, for one very good reason: it has the effect of distancing the Request or statement from the adult, which means the child is less likely to respond to it. The nature of the third person is distance: it is not about me (I) but that person over there. The very nature of the third person makes it one step removed and therefore weaker in its effect.
Instead, always use the first person, ‘I’, when talking to a child, whether expressing emotion or managing a child’s behaviour through a Request or direction. ‘I love you’ has a far greater and more immediate and heartfelt ring than ‘Mummy loves you.’ ‘Tom, I have told you not to pull your sister’s hair’ is far more immediate and authoritative than ‘Tom, Mummy has told you not to pull your sister’s hair.’ ‘Tom, I have asked you to put down that axe’ is far more effective than ‘Tom, Mummy has asked you to put down that axe.’
If as a parent, care worker or teacher you have slipped into the habit of using the third person when addressing a child, I urge you to stop.
Sanctions and rewards
Rewards are given for good behaviour and sanctions imposed for bad. Both should come as soon after the behaviour that has merited the reward or sanction as possible so that the child can understand the link between cause and effect.
Rewards can be verbal – praise for good behaviour – or a small treat, such as extra television or computer time, or a favourite activity. Star charts, also known as reward charts, are sometimes used to reward good behaviour and have enjoyed a recent revival in popularity. A reward chart is a large brightly coloured chart, either homemade or bought, which is displayed on a wall where the child can see it. The child is rewarded for his or her good behaviour by being allowed to add a sticker to the chart, to the praise and admiration of his parent/carer/childminder/nursery teacher. I have not used reward charts for many years and probably won’t again, because I never found them very effective in the long term. Once the novelty had worn off (which took only a week at the most) something else had to be found to regain the child’s interest and therefore his or her cooperation. However, as with the naughty chair, if you are using a reward chart and it is working, continue, until the behaviour you are trying to change has been modified. Note that the success of the reward chart relies on you remembering to add the sticker each time, and on you making it a revered achievement, i.e. something the child aspires to – ‘Well done, Claire/Tom! You have earned another sticker. Let’s go and put it on now,’ said by you ceremoniously and with much praise.
Sanctions are the loss of something a child likes or wants as a result of persistent unacceptable behaviour. Sanctions are used in the 3Rs strategy when cooperation hasn’t been achieved after you have Requested, Repeated and Reaffirmed. In the case of Claire staying in her pushchair in the supermarket, she was rewarded with your praise – ‘Good girl’ – and allowed to walk once she had left the supermarket. In the case of Tom who did not respond to your Request for him to stop running his toy lorry over the coffee table, the sanction was the loss of his lorry for a set period of time.
Sanctions need to be age and incident appropriate, and should come as soon as possible after the negative behaviour. Because the 3Rs strategy teaches cooperation, with the child doing as he or she has been asked, as you implement it the number of instances where sanctions need to be imposed will be reduced.
Foster carers are very limited in the sanctions they can apply; we can’t, for example, stop pocket money. I have found that stopping television or computer or PlayStation time is very effective, for all ages. If the child persists in his or her challenging behaviour and, after warning the child what will happen if he or she doesn’t stop the negative behaviour, I stop viewing time in ten-minute slots. This accumulates, so that ten minutes is added each time the child persistently challenges or disobeys. Ten minutes becomes twenty, then thirty, and so on, resulting in the loss of all viewing time for that evening if necessary. It is highly effective. One ten-year-old boy I fostered whose very challenging behaviour had seen off three foster carers in three weeks and who had been excluded from two schools, stopped 90 per cent of his bad behaviour in a week, simply by my using the 3Rs and the loss of television time as a sanction.
The closed choice
I like this technique immensely, as it’s easy and instant. I use it all the time to ensure cooperation as part of the 3Rs, and with all ages of children. It works with adults too! A closed choice is a clever little ploy that allows the child to believe he or she is making his or her own decision, while in effect the child is complying with what you have asked him or her to do. It is highly successful and greatly reduces confrontation, while increasing cooperation. The end result is that the child has done as you have asked without it becoming an issue.
It works like this. You want a child to do something which you think is going to be an issue, as it has been an issue in the past, so you offer two alternatives which lead to the same result – i.e. the child does as you want.
Let’s say you want Tom to clear up his toys, which are littering the entire downstairs of the house. Tom has had a great time playing, but you know from previous experience that he is less enthusiastic about clearing up and likely to refuse, ignore you or throw a wobbler. Now is a good time to use the closed choice. Instead of simply saying, ‘Tom, put your toys away, please,’ you say, ‘Tom, it’s time to put your toys away. Which room do you want to clear up first?’ Rather than refusing, Tom will find the answer (the decision as to where he wants to begin) already on his lips – ‘This room first.’
Or say Claire needs to put on her shoes, because you are going out, but you know from past experience that Claire doesn’t like wearing her shoes and would rather go barefoot, as she does in the house. Instead of saying, ‘Claire, we’re going out shortly, so put on your shoes, please,’ and then bracing yourself for a tantrum, try instead: ‘Claire, we are going out soon. Here are your shoes. Which one would you like to put on first – left or right?’ You say this positively, while offering her the two shoes. Claire will already be taking the shoe she has chosen to put on first without realising she is completing your Request.
The closed choice works with children of all ages, right through to teenagers, although obviously the situation and choice offered varies. For a teenager there might be issues surrounding keeping their bedroom tidy (untidy bedrooms are synonymous with teenagers). So instead of ‘Tom, can you clear up your room now, please?’ which is likely to be ignored or at best acknowledged with a grunt and no movement to tidy, try: ‘Tom, do you want to clear up your room before you have your shower or after?’ Tom now has to make a decision, and both options result in some tidying of his bedroom.
If Tom or Claire says ‘Neither’ in answer to your closed-choice question (more likely in the older, teenage Tom than the younger Tom), then see it through with the 3Rs. Begin with a Request that is also a closed choice – ‘Tom, your bedroom needs tidying. Do you want to tidy it before or after your shower?’ If Tom says ‘Neither’, then Repeat, and Reaffirm with a warning of the sanction for not complying. With the teenage Tom, who likes MSN-ing his friends in the evening, the sanction might be that the computer doesn’t go on until he has done as you have asked. However, if you have been using the 3Rs for some time Tom will be more likely to do as you have asked without being warned of a sanction. He will know from past experience that you mean what you say, so he might as well comply – if not immediately then within a reasonable time.
If you have two or more children not cooperating at the same time, as can easily happen in a large family, you can address them both together if they are in the same room. If they are not, address whichever child’s behaviour is causing the greater problem first. Once that child has co-operated, having his or her cooperation will be a good example to the other children and they are more likely to follow suit. Siblings can be catalysts for each other, positive and negative. I will say more about this later in family meetings.
