Читать книгу The Silent Cry: Part 2 of 3: There is little Kim can do as her mother's mental health spirals out of control - Cathy Glass, Cathy Glass - Страница 6

‘I’m gasping for a coffee. Would you like one?’ Laura asked me, lightly running her hand through her hair.

‘Yes, please, if you’re making one.’

‘I’ll do it,’ Geraldine said. ‘And I’ll check on Liam.’

With her cloak of efficiency firmly back in place, Geraldine walked swiftly from the room. Laura sighed and sank into one of the armchairs. ‘She won’t let me do a thing, it’s so frustrating. And she fusses over Liam constantly. She’s even got him sleeping downstairs with her now.’

‘I think she’s just trying to help,’ I said awkwardly.

We heard Geraldine go into the front room to check on Liam and then into the kitchen.

‘Fran sends her best wishes,’ I said. ‘She said to phone her when you have a chance.’

‘Yes, I must phone her. I keep meaning to. But you know how the time flies when you have a baby. The days just seem to disappear. I’ll put it at the top of my to-do list,’ she added with a smile.

I smiled too and we were silent for some moments, both gazing at Paula who was playing with one of Liam’s soft toys. It was difficult to know what to say. I didn’t want to make things worse by saying the wrong thing, but I was amazed at how well she looked – not at all what I’d expected after what Geraldine had just told me. Her cheeks had colour and there was no sign of her previous anxiety or depression. She seemed relaxed and, apart from being irritated by Geraldine, happy.

‘It’s a lovely day outside,’ I said, glancing towards the garden.

‘Yes. I was thinking I might collect Kim this afternoon and take Liam, if she lets me.’

‘Good idea,’ I said, ignoring her jibe at Geraldine. I felt uncomfortable; I’d just been sympathizing with Geraldine and now I was being asked to take Laura’s side against her. Yet Laura’s resentment at having her mother-in-law make her decisions was understandable, as she appeared rational and capable of making her own decisions.

‘See how you feel later,’ I suggested. ‘I can bring Kim home if it helps.’

‘You can help me by removing the mother-in-law from hell from my house,’ Laura said with a sigh, unable to resist another dig. ‘She’s outstayed her welcome. Do you know, I’m not even allowed to make myself tea and toast when I feel like it? I fancied some last night. Then the next minute she’s in the kitchen saying I’m going to burn the house down. Just because I overcooked the toast! I mean, Cathy, tell me who hasn’t burned toast? Then she wonders why I snap at her. I get hungry breastfeeding.’

‘Yes, I did too,’ I said. ‘It’s important to eat and drink regularly when breastfeeding.’

‘She likes to give him a bottle of formula at night,’ she said, and glanced at the wall clock. ‘He’ll be awake soon for his ten o’clock feed. You don’t mind if I bring him in here to feed him, do you?’

‘No, of course not.’

‘She does,’ Laura said, again lambasting her mother-in-law. ‘She doesn’t think it’s proper to breastfeed in front of others, especially at the meal table. She told me she fed all of hers in the privacy of her bedroom. Well, good for her, I say. Times have changed. I’ll see if he is awake.’

Laura stood and began towards the living-room door as Geraldine came in carrying a tray of coffee and biscuits.

‘Where are you going?’ she asked Laura.

‘To see if Liam’s awake for his feed,’ Laura replied with attitude. ‘Is that OK?’

I felt embarrassed. Keeping her eyes down, Geraldine hurriedly set the tray on the occasional table and went down the hall after Laura. I heard their hushed voices coming from the front room in what sounded like a sharp exchange, and then a few moments later Laura returned carrying Liam in her arms. She raised her eyes in exasperation, which I pretended not to see, and she returned to her armchair.

‘Baby,’ Paula said, pointing.

‘Yes. He’s going to have his breakfast,’ I explained.

‘The second one today,’ Laura said with a smile, putting him to her breast.

I watched Paula’s face. It was a picture. As Laura fed Liam I sipped my coffee and we talked. Paula took a few steps closer to her for a better look. Laura didn’t mind. I saw the love that was in Laura’s eyes as she gazed at her son suckling contentedly. It was impossible to imagine what Geraldine had told me. Far from being wary of him as the devil’s child, Laura held him close, protectively. I’m sure she would have died for him rather than let any harm come to him, as most mothers would. Her tenderness and compassion were obvious, but why would Geraldine have made all that up?

When Liam finished suckling on one side Laura gently turned him round to finish feeding on the other side, all the time smiling down at him, full of love and kindness. Once he’d finished she winded him and then drank her now-lukewarm coffee. We continued talking, about babies, the school and fostering, which so many people are interested in and ask questions about, then I said I should be going, as I had things to do.

‘Thanks for stopping by,’ Laura said. ‘Can you see yourself out?’ Liam was fast asleep in her arms.

‘Yes, of course. Take care, and I hope to see you in the playground this afternoon.’

‘Yes.’ Paula clambered down from the sofa and we quietly left the room so we wouldn’t wake Liam. As we approached the front door Geraldine suddenly appeared from the front room. I had the feeling she’d been waiting there for me to leave.

‘If I’m not in the playground this afternoon, can you bring Kim home, please?’ she said quietly.

‘Yes, but Laura seems fine now,’ I said. ‘She’s talking about collecting Kim herself, and taking Liam.’

‘We’ll see about that,’ Geraldine said stiffly, all vulnerability gone. ‘She may seem fine now, but her moods can change very quickly. It will ease my mind to know that you will collect Kim if I’m not there.’

‘Yes, of course,’ I said. Although it seemed she’d already ruled out any possibility of Laura collecting Kim.

‘Thank you,’ Geraldine said flatly as she opened the front door.

I helped Paula out and over the step and the door closed behind us.

With Paula holding one hand, I pushed the stroller with the other and we walked slowly down the garden path and then along the street towards home. I was perplexed, worried and bemused by what had taken place and began to wonder if Geraldine was the one with issues, for I’d seen no evidence of the paranoia she’d described in Laura. Indeed, Laura had acted perfectly rationally, had talked in positive terms and seemed well balanced and the picture of health. True, she resented her mother-in-law big time, but who could blame her if she was trying to control and dominate her? But then again, why would anyone in their right mind make up such dreadful stories about their daughter-in-law? I didn’t know who or what to believe.

Once I’d settled Paula for her nap I took out my books, but I didn’t get very far with my research or writing. My thoughts kept returning to number 53 and the awful atmosphere that must pervade there, especially when Laura and her mother-in-law were there alone. Did they try to talk civilly to each other, or did they continuously argue or avoid each other by occupying different rooms? What a dreadful atmosphere for Kim to come home to, though perhaps they made an effort when she was there. I wondered what Andy, Laura’s husband and Geraldine’s son, made of it all. He must have felt as though he was caught between a rock and a hard place, with his mother and wife feuding. Surely he would take the necessary action, either by ensuring that Laura saw a doctor, if what Geraldine had said was true, or if it wasn’t then sending his mother home? Laura had needed help when she’d been depressed, but if Geraldine was now trying to create that need then it really fell to Andy to sort out the mess, difficult though it may be.

I was half expecting to see Laura in the playground that afternoon, as she’d seemed confident that she would be collecting Kim, but she didn’t arrive. Then, as the Klaxon sounded for the end of school, I realized that Geraldine wasn’t in the playground either. I moved closer to the door where the children would come out and watched carefully for Kim. Adrian’s class was out first and then Kim’s. When she emerged I went over to her.

‘Your gran asked me to collect you,’ I said.

‘Is Mum all right?’ Kim asked, immediately concerned.

‘Yes. I saw her and your brother this morning,’ I said with a cheery smile. It was all I could say, as clearly I didn’t know what had happened in the interim.

On the walk back home Kim baby-talked to Paula, which I guessed she did to her brother. It was sweet and Paula loved the attention. Then Kim told us about her class’s project on the Vikings. Their teacher had asked them all to take in as many cardboard boxes as they could the next day, as they were going to make a big model of a Viking boat, big enough for all the class to sit in and row.

‘That sounds great,’ I said. ‘How exciting.’ Children’s learning is so much fun now.

‘I’ll have to go to the shop if we haven’t got any boxes big enough,’ Kim said thoughtfully.

‘Do you still go shopping for your mum sometimes?’ I asked.

‘Not really. Gran’s there now.’

I would have liked to hear Kim’s views on what was going on at home, but it wasn’t appropriate for me to question her. We continued towards her house with Adrian joining in the talk about Viking boat building and Paula trying her best to say ‘Vi-King’, making it sound like a person.

I intended to walk Kim right up to her front door, but Geraldine must have been watching out for us, for as we stopped at her garden gate the front door opened and Geraldine appeared. Kim said goodbye to us and ran up the path. Geraldine gave a perfunctory wave of thanks and as soon as Kim was inside she closed the door, so I had no idea how Laura was.

We continued home and the evening passed as most school nights do, with the children playing while I made dinner, followed by Adrian’s homework, some television and then the children’s bath and bedtime routines. But Laura wasn’t far from my thoughts, and I wondered how their evening was progressing. That night, as Adrian and I hummed Brahms’s ‘Lullaby’, my thoughts turned to Shelley and Darrel. I hoped she’d let me know how her visit to her old foster carer, Carol, had gone, and whether she’d plucked up the courage to audition for the choir. But even if I never heard from her again I would still remember them both, as I was sure Adrian would.

I was in bed by ten-thirty and asleep before eleven, but then I was jolted wide awake by the telephone ringing. I grabbed the handset from my bedside cabinet with my heart thumping loudly and my mouth going dry, convinced a tragedy had befallen a loved one. It was the only reason I could think of for someone calling at this time, and with my husband, John, working abroad, the chances of it being bad news seemed dramatically increased.

‘Yes? Hello?’ I said, my voice shaking.

‘Cathy? Is that you?’

‘Laura?’

‘Yes, you sound different. Hope you don’t mind, but I thought I’d phone you for a chat.’

I looked at my bedside clock; it was 11.40. I heaved myself up the pillow and tried to calm my racing heart.

‘You don’t mind me calling, do you?’ Laura asked.

‘No. It’s just rather late. I was asleep.’

‘I’m sorry. I didn’t realize the time. Shall I call you back another time?’

There didn’t seem much point now that I was awake. ‘It’s OK. Are you all right?’

‘Yes, I’m fine. It was nice of you to drop by today. I enjoyed your visit. I haven’t seen many people recently because I felt so down, but now I’m better I’ll catch up. I’ve just finished talking to Fran. We were on the phone for ages.’ She gave a small laugh.

‘That’s good,’ I said. I hoped Fran was a night owl.

‘I told her I’d be in the playground tomorrow.’

‘Great, although I thought I might see you there today.’

‘I intended to go, but then I nodded off on the sofa and Geraldine didn’t like to wake me or just slip out. You know how she fusses. Thanks for bringing Kim home.’

‘You’re welcome. Did she find some cardboard boxes for her class’s Viking project?’

Laura laughed. ‘Yes, lots. We had loads in the loft from when we moved. Andy went up there and got them down when he came home from work. I won’t go in the loft – there are spiders up there and I hate spiders.’

‘Yes, so do I.’

Our conversation continued – a perfectly normal chat between friends, if it hadn’t been so late. Laura did most of the talking, and I saw the clock ticking off the minutes to midnight. Then, at 12.15 a.m., I said, ‘I’m going to have to go now, Laura, and get some sleep. Why don’t you come to me tomorrow for a coffee after you’ve taken Kim to school?’

‘Yes, that would be lovely, thank you. I’ll let you sleep now. Sorry to have woken you. See you tomorrow.’

We said goodbye and I hung up. Yes, a perfectly normal conversation apart from the timing. No one with young children telephones a friend just for a chat in the middle of the night, but I assumed it was as Laura had said – that she’d lost track of time while talking to Fran. Thankfully the phone ringing hadn’t woken Adrian or Paula, but it took me a while to get back off to sleep.

As Laura was planning to take Kim to school the following morning I kept a lookout for her as we walked down our street. Parents with children who attended the local school left home more or less at the same time, so we often saw others walking the same route. That morning the children in Kim’s class were all carrying cardboard boxes, but there was no sign of Kim with her mother, either ahead of or behind us. They weren’t in the playground either, but Fran was and she came towards me with a cardboard box under each arm. Her daughter was carrying another two boxes. ‘Did Laura telephone you late last night?’ Fran asked me.

‘Yes.’

‘Oh dear. I am sorry. She told me she was planning on phoning you when we’d finished and I tried to persuade her not to. It was so late.’

‘Don’t worry. It was nice to hear from her, although it was late.’

‘It must have been. We were about to get into bed when she phoned me and we were talking for ages. My hubby wasn’t amused, although I explained I hadn’t heard from her in a long while. Laura said she’d been depressed but was all right now. I invited her for coffee this morning.’

‘So did I,’ I said, smiling, and again looking around for any sign of Laura. ‘I wonder where she is.’ There were others arriving with cardboard boxes of all sizes. Some of the children were carrying them on their backs like tortoise shells. It was comical.

‘She might have slept in,’ Fran said, also glancing around. ‘Laura told me she can’t sleep at night, and then sleeps in late or nods off during the day. Oh look, there’s her mother-in-law with Kim and the baby. So Laura hasn’t come. I’ll go over and see how she is.’

I turned as Fran went over and saw Geraldine with Kim pushing the pram. She was carrying a couple of cardboard boxes and had another one balanced on the pram. Geraldine was straight-faced as usual and, avoiding eye contact, kept her gaze ahead. I saw Fran say something to Geraldine and she responded with a curt nod and what looked like a very short reply. Fran then went over to speak to another mother, so I guessed she hadn’t learned much. The Klaxon sounded and I kissed Adrian goodbye. I saw Geraldine with the pram, speeding towards the exit, but I didn’t try to catch up. Fran looked at me and shrugged. ‘Not sure,’ she said as we left the playground. Then we went our separate ways.

I didn’t knock at number 53 on the way home. There was no reason to, and to do so would have crossed the line between good neighbourliness and intrusiveness. But of course I speculated on what exactly was going on.

Laura didn’t come for coffee, and I wasn’t surprised. Something told me that if she wasn’t up to taking Kim to school then she wouldn’t be coming to me. Maybe she’d gone to Fran’s instead, but I doubted it.

Laura wasn’t in the playground that afternoon either, and it was only after the children had come out of the building that I realized with a stab of horror that Geraldine wasn’t there either. Kim was waiting with her teacher as they were told to do if a parent or carer didn’t arrive to collect them. Grabbing Paula’s hand, and with Adrian in tow, I shot over to them.

‘I’m so sorry,’ I said to her teacher. ‘I’m taking Kim home.’

‘No problem,’ she said, and Kim came with me.

But there was a problem. I knew then that I needed to clarify the arrangement I had with Geraldine for collecting Kim. I would ask her to telephone me when she wanted me to collect her. If you do something every day it becomes part of your routine, or if you’re asked to do something specifically it’s at the forefront of your mind. But this loose, ad hoc arrangement where I was expected to collect Kim if Geraldine (or Laura) wasn’t in the playground could easily lead to me forgetting Kim, as I’d just shown. Fortunately no harm had been done on this occasion.