Читать книгу A Daughter’s Dream - Cathy Sharp, Cathy Sharp - Страница 5

As a small child I was afraid of the man with the staring eyes. In my worst nightmares he came after me, shouting and threatening to kill me. His breath stank of strong drink and his eyes were bloodshot. In my dreams he caught me and then my father came and chased him away – but he always came back, and I knew that one day my father would not be there to save me.

Perhaps it was because of the dream that I hated living in the lanes. In the dream I was playing in the lane near my home with other children, and it was there that the man came after me. For as long as I could remember I had wanted to escape, to live somewhere different, away from the dirt and noise of the area around the London docks, and I envied my uncle Tom, who had gone away to be a doctor. I had promised myself that when I grew up I would leave, too, and my idea of heaven was probably very like the house that Matthew’s parents lived in, at which I had been staying for the past few days.

Living in suburbia might not be everyone’s idea of perfect bliss, but it was certainly mine. Looking back at the Corders’ house on that sunny morning in June 1923, I experienced a deep sense of loss and regret that it was time for us to leave. There was nothing remarkable about the house; it had three bedrooms and a bathroom upstairs, a sitting room, dining room and kitchen downstairs, and was furnished in a very ordinary way. Yet for me those few days had been ones of perfect contentment.

‘What was that sigh for?’ Matthew asked, looking at me with a little smile of amusement flickering about his mouth. Matthew Corder was twenty-three, four years older than me, attractive rather than wildly handsome, with reddish-brown hair and dark chocolate-brown eyes. It was his smile that had made me notice him, the laughter in his eyes that saw the fun in everything that first made me fall in love with him.

We had met at Bournemouth, when Matthew was on holiday and I was taking the art classes that my mother thought were a waste of time. Although she had encouraged my brothers, Jon and Terry, to leave when they were my age, she had wanted to keep me at home. My father had persuaded her that it would do me good to see more of the world, to broaden my outlook on life, and so in the end she had agreed that I should go.

To me, my father was the most wonderful person in the whole world, and I adored him. Although even I couldn’t have called him handsome, he had a kind, generous face and there was so much love in him for all of us. When I was small I loved the days best when my father took us somewhere special. It might be the seaside, or a trip to the fair or a visiting circus, or it might just be a day spent walking in the country, but whatever it was I was happy because he was with us.

In the eyes of the world, Joe Robinson had done all right for himself. He owned a lot of property and he wasn’t short of a bob or two, as the people of the lanes might say. He could have lived in a house like the Corders owned, or perhaps somewhere even better, but my mother refused to move from the lane she had lived in for most of her life, and my father always gave her exactly what she wanted.

Sometimes I felt angry with my mother because she refused to let him buy us a better house, but deep down I loved her. I loved her almost as much as I loved my father, but not quite. No one could ever take my father’s place in my heart – not even Matthew.

‘I was just wishing we didn’t have to leave,’ I said and shook my head as I saw the teasing light in his eyes. ‘It’s all right for you – you don’t have to go back to the lanes.’

‘I like your parents’ house,’ Matthew said and looked serious. ‘I know the area isn’t the best, but the house is lovely inside.’

‘I hate the lanes,’ I said. ‘I want to live in something like this one day, Matt. And I want it to be in a nice area, a place where people don’t swear and drink all the time.’

‘That’s a bit harsh. There are some really good people in Farthing Lane. Your parents don’t drink to excess and Joe doesn’t swear either. I admire your parents, and particularly your mother for being proud of her roots.’

‘But I can’t stay in the house all the time. You haven’t heard the noise they make coming out of the Feathers on a Saturday night. It’s enough to waken the dead.’

‘You’re a snob, Amy Robinson,’ Matthew said with a teasing smile. ‘Your father gave you everything you ever wanted and you’ve been utterly spoiled.’

‘Yes, I know.’ I was half ashamed as I met his eyes. We’d had this conversation before and he always won, because in my heart I knew he was right. ‘It isn’t that I don’t appreciate all they’ve done for me. I just don’t want to live there any more.’

‘Surely you can put up with it for a while?’ Matthew raised his brows at me. ‘We agreed that we wouldn’t get married for another year or so. I can’t afford to buy a house yet, and I don’t want to start out living with my parents.’

‘I wouldn’t mind.’ I gazed back longingly at the house we had just left as Matthew opened the door of his Austin saloon for me. He was the sales representative for a firm of gentlemen’s tailoring and he had to travel all over London and the Home Counties with his samples, which was why he could afford to run such a nice car. ‘I like your parents, Matt. And it would only be for a while.’

‘No, Amy,’ Matthew said and his mouth drew into a thin line. We’d had this conversation more than once, too. ‘I told you it would be a while before we could marry, and you agreed you were willing to wait.’

‘Of course I’ll wait,’ I said, sliding into the car which smelled of leather and new clothes. ‘I don’t have much choice, do I?’

Matthew closed the door on me. Glancing at his face as he slid into the driving seat, I saw that a little nerve was flicking at his temple and knew he was annoyed with me. I bit down on my bottom lip, stopping myself from saying all the things that were on the tip of my tongue. How could Matthew understand what I felt about going home when I had never told him?

I might have told him about the dreams if I had thought it would make a difference, but I knew he would just dismiss them as being nonsense.

‘It was just a dream,’ he would say. ‘Besides, you’re grown up now and you should have the sense to stay away from men who have been drinking.’

Matthew was very practical. Sometimes I would have liked him to be more romantic. It would have been nice to be courted with bouquets of flowers and expensive gifts, but though he bought me some good perfume on my birthday and a box of Cadbury’s chocolates when we went to the pictures, he was never extravagant.

‘If we want a nice home, I have to save,’ he’d told me when he saw the expensive leather bag and shoes my father had given me for my birthday. ‘I’ll give you things like that one day, Amy – when I’ve climbed up the ranks a bit. I’m not going to be a sales rep all my life. I’m going to apply for a manager’s job the first chance I get, and one day I’ll have a shop of my own.’

I knew that my father would have lent him the money to set up his own business if he’d asked, but it would be a waste of breath to tell him that. Matthew was proud, and I admired him for his determination to get ahead by his own efforts. In fact I was pretty much head over heels in love with him, and I hated our quarrels, all of which were of my making.

Matthew was hard working, honest and decent – all the things I had been taught to admire and wanted in the man I would marry one day. Yet there were times when I wished that he would do something reckless for once. My life was pleasant and easy, but not often exciting.

Hearing me sigh, Matthew glanced my way.

‘Couldn’t you go and stay with your aunt again? I thought she wanted you to work for her?’

‘Yes, she does.’ I smiled as I thought of Aunt Lainie. She owned an expensive gown shop in the West End of London and lived in the flat above. I had stayed with her several times in the past. ‘But my mother doesn’t want me to live with Lainie. When I suggested it she looked hurt and I felt awful.’

‘I’m sure she would understand if you explained. After all, it would be a nice place for you to work, wouldn’t it?’

‘Yes …’ I left my thoughts unspoken. Matthew was thinking that we could save more if I was also at work, and that was true. What I didn’t care to explain was that I didn’t particularly want to work in my aunt’s shop – or any shop. My ambition was to design clothes. At art college I had discovered that I was quite good at it, and I’d already sent out some of my designs to various commercial fashion houses. So far I hadn’t received any replies. ‘It’s a nice shop. Aunt Lainie has made it even more exclusive now that she owns it. She says they get a really good clientele these days, so I suppose it would be all right.’

Matthew laughed. ‘Lainie O’Rourke is an even bigger snob than you, Amy. To speak to her you would think she’d been born with a silver spoon in her mouth, and she couldn’t be more different from your mother. No one would ever think they were sisters.’

Matthew made no secret of the fact that he adored my mother. He had told me that Bridget Robinson was one of the finest ladies he had ever met. It wasn’t that he disliked Lainie, simply that he thought her a little selfish sometimes.

Of course, he didn’t know Lainie as I did. She might seem selfish to people who only saw one side of her, but I knew she was very different underneath. Lainie was tough in matters of business, but she could be kind when someone was in trouble. I remembered the way she had looked after one of her girls at the shop when her father had thrown her out of her home because she was pregnant. Lainie had sent the girl away somewhere to have the baby, and afterwards she had given her a job in the back room doing alterations. Most employers would have sacked her, but Lainie had gone out of her way to help, and I admired that.

‘Sally has put the baby out with a good family,’ Lainie told me. ‘She needs to work to support her son, but at least she wasn’t forced to give him up.’

Her eyes had seemed to reflect a deep sadness as she spoke, and I’d sensed something hidden. I had always known that Lainie had a secret. As a small child I’d picked up whispers, sentences left unfinished and knowing looks between my mother and aunt. And I knew that Lainie hated the area in which she had lived as a child as much as I did.

‘If it were not for Bridget I would never set foot in that street again,’ she had told me once when I’d asked why she didn’t visit us very often. ‘I don’t want to remember that part of my life, Amy. It’s over and finished, and I am a different person. I’ve educated myself, dragged myself out of the mire and slime, and it was damned hard work. I shall never let myself be dragged back into that kind of a life, and if Bridget had any sense she would move right away from the docks. Joe wants to buy her a decent house somewhere and she’s a fool not to jump at the chance.’

‘I wish she would! Then I needn’t go back ever again.’

‘You could always live with me, Amy. You know I would love to have you.’

There was something in her eyes then that made me wonder if she was lonely. Lainie was an attractive woman, with softly waved fair hair that she kept looking immaculate, and a trim figure. In her early forties, she had never married but I didn’t know why. She must surely have been asked.

I knew she had lots of friends – married couples and more than one single gentleman. Occasionally she went out to dinner with one of the gentlemen, but I didn’t think that any of them were ever invited to stay over at her apartment. I certainly hadn’t seen any telltale signs of a male guest when I stayed there, though I believed there must have been men in her past.

Had someone hurt her badly? I’d tried to ask my mother about it once, but she had simply changed the subject. It was a part of the secret I had always known existed.

‘So what are you thinking now?’ Matthew’s question brought me out of my reverie.

‘Nothing much. When am I going to see you again?’

‘Not for a couple of weeks, Amy. I’ve got one of my big trips on again. The firm has a new customer from Manchester and they want me to set up the account.’

‘Couldn’t someone local do it?’

‘It’s important, Amy. If I do this right it may mean a chance for promotion.’

‘Yes, I know. You told me. It’s just that I shall miss you. I hate it when you go away.’

‘I shall miss you too,’ he said, and smiled as he pulled into the forecourt of what appeared to be a sixteenth-century inn. It was set back off the road amongst trees and had a pleasant, peaceful atmosphere, almost as if we had been whisked back in time. ‘I thought we would stop here for a drink and we might have a meal. I believe they do reasonable food here and it’s not too expensive.’

‘That would be nice.’ I leaned across to kiss him as he pulled on the handbrake, breathing in his fresh, clean smell. Matthew was wholesome and decent, and I loved him. ‘And I’m sorry if I was grumpy earlier. I do understand that we have to save. I’ll talk to Mum about going to work for Lainie. If I’m earning as well we can get things we want for the house that bit sooner.’

Matthew gave me an approving smile. ‘A year or so will soon go round,’ he promised. ‘Believe me, it’s even harder for me to wait than it is for you, love.’

I knew that it had sometimes been difficult for Matthew to call a halt when we had been kissing in the back seat of his car. We had reached the stage where I had allowed him to fondle my breasts, but Matthew himself had insisted that anything more was out for the moment.

‘If I touched you there …’ His breathing was heavy and he smiled in that self-mocking way that made me love him so much. ‘I don’t think I could stop myself going all the way, and we would end up having to get married. That’s the last thing we need, Amy – much as I want you.’

I didn’t want to have to get married either. For one thing it would hurt my parents, especially my father, and I wanted a special wedding with all the trimmings and lots of presents. In April, Lady Elizabeth Bowes-Lyon had married her duke, wearing a lovely gown, and I had already planned my own, which would be quite similar to the one she had chosen. So I hadn’t tried to persuade Matthew into something that we both knew was wrong.

‘We’ll wait,’ I said as he opened the car door for me to get out. I was hit by the smell of roses and stocks from the flowerbeds, and as we walked across the moss-covered flagstones towards the inn, I was conscious of the sun shining warmly down on us. ‘We’ll do things properly the way you want, Matt. As you said, it won’t be forever.’

‘I love you, Amy,’ Matthew said. ‘And one day I’m going to give you all the things you want.’

‘I know you will, but mostly I just want to be with you.’

I linked my arm through his, shivering slightly as we entered the cool of the inn, which smelled a little musty despite the copper bowls of dried rose petals that stood on an oak hutch just inside the door. It was foolish of me to be so impatient when I had so much.

I awoke with a start that night, shivering and slightly damp because I had been sweating. The room was in darkness and I was trembling as I reached for the switch, flooding the corners with electric light. I was so thankful that my father had had electricity installed when he did up the house. I was shaking too badly to have lit the paraffin lamps that most people in the lanes still used upstairs, though they had gas downstairs.

The dream had been so vivid this time, and it had changed. I was no longer a little girl but a woman. The man who had threatened me had had no face, but I knew exactly how his eyes would look – open and staring as if he were dead.

Getting out of bed, I pulled on my dressing gown and slippers. I would never rest unless I made myself a warm drink and waited for the dream to fade.

I was just making a mug of cocoa in the kitchen when my father came in, also dressed in pyjamas and a comfortable old robe.

‘Did I wake you?’

‘I wasn’t asleep. Some nights I don’t sleep much any more, then I come down and make myself a drink.’

I looked anxiously at him. He wasn’t ill, was he? ‘Have some of mine. I’ve made enough for two. In the lodgings I shared in Bournemouth there was always someone to share it.’

‘Are you missing that? I know there isn’t much for you to do here, Amy.’

‘I think I should get a job, Daddy.’

‘There’s no need for you to do that. Unless you want to?’

‘As you said, there isn’t much for me to do here.’

‘Your mother thought you might like to help with the flowers for her stalls sometimes, what with you being good at artistic things. She sells quite a few of her arrangements these days. People come from all over to buy them. She has made quite a reputation for herself. I’ve offered to set her up in a shop but Bridget has always liked market trading.’

‘Yes, I know.’ I smiled at him, feeling a warm affection for this man who loved us all so much. He was so very special. ‘I don’t mind helping while I’m here.’

‘You’re thinking of going somewhere?’

‘Lainie wants me to live and work with her. It’s just until I get married, and the money would help Matthew buy his house. It’s the sort of shop I would enjoy working in, Dad, with a good clientele, and I can work on my designs in the evenings sometimes. It would only be until Matthew can afford to get married.’

‘I’ve told you I shall give you both a good wedding present. Matthew could set himself up in the shop he wants now if he wasn’t so stubborn. I should count it a privilege to help that young man’

‘You know he won’t let you. He wants to do it by himself. He’s so independent!’

‘Can’t say I disagree with the idea, Amy. I started with nothing. It’s the right way to be, but if you are unhappy …’

‘I had the dream again.’ I paused to sip my drink. ‘It was the first time for ages. I think it’s being here in the lanes.’

My father looked worried, then annoyed. ‘It was Ernie Cole who frightened you, Amy. He was drunk and he shouted at you, but that’s all that happened. Besides, he’s dead now. He can’t hurt you or your mother any more.’

Ernie Cole had tried to attack my mother some months previously, but Kathy Ryan had stopped him. He’d turned on her then, beating her senseless, and she’d been in hospital for weeks. Thankfully she had recovered and now she was married to my uncle, Tom O’Rourke, and living in America. Ernie Cole had hung himself over the banisters in his home.

‘I don’t remember Mr Cole shouting at me, Daddy. I’m not even sure it’s anything to do with that – it’s just the man with the staring eyes. And it’s different now.’

‘In what way different?’

‘I’ve grown up in the dream, and I don’t think it’s the same man. I can’t see his eyes or his face now, I just know he’s going to hurt me and there’s nothing I can do to stop him.’

‘Perhaps you should see a doctor, Amy. I mean a special one who helps people who have bad dreams.’

‘I’m not ill, Dad. Most of the time I’m happy and normal. I shan’t have the dream at Lainie’s. I never do.’

He was silent for a while and then he nodded. ‘I’ll speak to your mother. She won’t like it. I know she was looking forward to spending some time with you, perhaps buying a few things for your bottom drawer.’

‘We can still do that, Daddy. I don’t want to disappoint you or Mum. I’ll visit sometimes, and she can meet me up West for a shopping trip and lunch on my half day off – but I can’t live here, not all the time.’

My father sighed and finished his half of the cocoa.

‘You haven’t disappointed me, Amy. I want you to make something of your life, and I approve of Matthew. I just wish that he would let me help him get started. You will be safe married to that young man. I would rather you were married than living with Lainie.’

‘Matthew says it will be at least another year.’

‘Then I suppose I shall have to give my permission, but leave it to me, Amy. Your mother is bound to be upset, and I want to talk to her in my own way.’

‘Yes, of course, Daddy. You know I love you both. I don’t want to hurt either of you.’

‘Leave it with me.’

I nodded and finished my cocoa in silence. My father was a man of few words but you didn’t argue with him. When he said he would do something he did it, but you couldn’t hurry him.

I washed the mugs, leaving them clean and dried back on the stained pine dresser where I had found them. Everything in my mother’s kitchen was spotless and in its place, and she did most of the work herself. There was a woman who came in to scrub floors and clean windows, but my mother was always busy. When my father told her to rest, she laughed and shook her head.

‘I like to be busy, Joe. I was brought up to it and you won’t change me now.’

‘I wouldn’t want to change you, lass, but I don’t want you wearing yourself out.’

As I went back to bed I was anxious in case I had the dream again. However, the milky drink had done its work and within a short time I was asleep. If I had a dream this time it did not disturb me.

‘I don’t like the idea of you living with Lainie,’ my mother said, looking at me unhappily. ‘I know you’ll be safe enough with her. Lainie has promised me she will take care of you, but I still wish you would stay home with us.’

‘I’ll come and see you every week on my day off,’ I promised. ‘Please don’t say I can’t go, Mum. Lainie is going to pay me three pounds to start and more when I know what I’m doing.’

‘If it was only money …’

‘You know it isn’t, don’t you?’

My mother sighed and looked at me sadly. ‘Ernie Cole has a lot to answer for! I shall never forgive him for shouting at you that day, Amy. You were so frightened and I don’t know what would have happened if your father hadn’t come along when he did. It was because he hated me, of course.’

‘Why should Mr Cole hate you?’

‘It’s a long story. He wanted to marry me once but I wouldn’t look at him then. Then he got a girl into trouble and married her. I might have married him when I was ready if he hadn’t.’

‘I’m glad you didn’t!’

‘So am I,’ she said and smiled. ‘Very glad. Your father is the man for me. And he says we must let you go to Lainie’s, so I suppose we must. Just be careful, Amy. There are a lot of people you can’t trust, and they don’t all live in the lanes. Some of them look respectable and talk as if they’ve got a plum in their mouth, but underneath they are worse than the lowest scum.’

‘I’m not a little girl, Mum. I do know that some people aren’t what they seem. Besides, I’m in love with Matthew. I shan’t be going out with other men – respectable or not.’

‘I know you’re not a child, Amy.’ My mother laughed. She had a wonderful smile and most people who knew her loved her. ‘I expect I’m fussing too much, but you will be careful?’

‘I promise,’ I said and went to hug her. ‘I don’t want to hurt you, Mum. It’s just that I can’t live here, and I do need a job.’

‘I understand, darling. Your father and I just want to see you happy.’

‘It’s only for a year or so until Matthew saves enough for the house.’ I gave her a teasing look. ‘What can happen in a year? I’m not likely to get abducted by a white slaver, am I?’

‘Please don’t joke about such things!’ she said sharply. ‘You are so innocent, Amy. I shall be glad when you get married.’

Her tone and her look surprised me. It was unlike my mother to be so sharp, and for a moment she had looked almost frightened.

‘What have you been buying?’ Maggie Ryan stopped me in the street as I made my way home that evening. ‘You’re looking well, Amy. Are you home for good now?’

‘I’m not sure. I may go to stay with my aunt for a while. She’s offered me a job in her shop.’

‘Oh well, take care of yourself, love.’

Maggie nodded and went inside her house. She lived a few doors away from my parents and had been my mother’s friend for years. It was her daughter-in-law, Kathy, who had saved my mother from being attacked by Ernie Cole. Kathy’s first husband, Billy, had been killed in a fight with the police on the docks some months ago now.

I heard my parents talking in the kitchen when I went in. I had been to the market to see if there were any nice pictures on a stall that sold the work of unknown artists, and I had managed to buy a pretty view of a country cottage that I thought my mother might like.

‘You know why I’m worried, Joe,’ my mother was saying as I paused outside the door, which was slightly open. ‘Amy is so trusting. If he wanted to harm us …’

‘You worry too much, lass. The man could have caused trouble for us years ago if he had wanted. In my opinion he has forgotten we ever existed. That business is over and done with. Put it right out of your mind.’

‘I’ve never forgotten what he did to Lainie. If it hadn’t been for that it might never have happened. I still blame myself, Joe …’

The back of my neck prickled as I listened. Who were they talking about, and why was my mother so worried?

‘That was years ago. He hasn’t bothered her, why should he harm Amy or us?’

‘You don’t know him as well as I do, Joe.’

‘Amy has me to look after her. If he hurt my girl I would kill him. He knows it, Bridget. I wouldn’t stand by and let him get away with it again.’

I decided it was time I went into the kitchen and made my presence known. My father smiled as he saw me, but my mother’s eyes were clouded by shadows. I felt an ache somewhere in the region of my heart, and felt that I wanted to banish those shadows.

‘I bought this for you, Mum. It will go in your bedroom. The artist is unknown now, but he’s good. One day his work will probably be worth a lot of money.’

Her eyes filled with tears as I showed her the painting, and then she jumped up and hugged me. I hugged her back, my throat tight with emotion.’

‘I love you, Amy.’

‘I love you too, Mum. You don’t have to worry about me. I promise you I’ll be sensible.’

‘Of course you will,’ she said, laughed and brushed a hand across her eyes. ‘I’m being silly. You’re my little girl and I make too much fuss. You go to Lainie’s and enjoy yourself.’

‘Thanks, Mum … Daddy.’ I sent a special smile to him, knowing he had talked her round for my sake. ‘I won’t do anything to make you ashamed of me, I promise.’

‘I never thought you would,’ my father said. ‘I’ve always trusted you completely.’

He turned away to fiddle with his wireless set, which my mother had bought him for the previous Christmas. It took a lot of skill and practice to make it work, but there were now regular broadcasts from the BBC, and my father was an enthusiastic listener.

My mother had begun to set the table for supper and I helped her, taking the blue and white plates down from the dresser and placing them on the snowy-white cloth.

‘Your brother Jon is coming home for a few days next week,’ my mother said as she took a pie from the oven. ‘You will wait to see him before you go, won’t you, Amy?’

‘Yes, of course, Mum. I’m going out after supper. Matt is back from his trip and he’s taking me to the pictures this evening, so I’ll have to hurry and get changed …’

I emerged breathlessly from Matthew’s crushing embrace.

‘If that’s what being away for two weeks does to you …’ I murmured and laughed up at him. ‘I like it. I like it a lot.’

‘I missed you so much!’ He touched my cheek with his fingertips, looking serious and a little apprehensive. ‘And I’ve got something to tell you, Amy.’

‘Something I shan’t like? I can see it in your face. Is it another long trip?’

‘It’s worse,’ Matthew said. ‘The firm wants me to go up to Manchester for six months. They are setting up a distribution centre for the north and they want me to run it for the first few months.’

‘But you can’t!’ I stared at him in dismay. ‘I should never see you.’

‘I’ll come back as often as I can at weekends. Perhaps once a fortnight if I can manage it.’

‘Once a fortnight!’ I couldn’t believe what he was telling me. ‘It was bad enough when you had the long trips, but this is impossible, Matt. Please tell them you can’t do it.’

‘This is very important to me, Amy. It is a step up the ladder to promotion. They’ve promised me another ten pounds a month, and perhaps more if I show them I can do it.’

He was prepared to desert me for ten pounds a month! I felt terribly hurt, even though I knew it was a lot of money to Matthew. But my father could give him the sixty pounds he would gain and never miss it.

‘Daddy will lend you the money for a house,’ I said sulkily. ‘He will give us a good wedding present and you could open your own shop. You wouldn’t have to go away and leave me all the time.’

‘That isn’t the way I do things, Amy.’ His mouth had pulled into a grim line and I knew he was angry. ‘I’ve told you before, I want to stand on my own feet. Ten pounds a month may not sound a lot to you, but the extra will make a difference when it’s added to what I’ve already saved.’

‘But I don’t want you to go!’ I drew back, looking at him unhappily. ‘If you loved me you wouldn’t leave me, Matt.’

‘Whether you believe it or not, I do love you, Amy. But I have to do this for us.’

My eyes filled with tears I was too proud to shed. He was cruel to hurt me like this and I wanted to hurt him back.

‘If you go there might not be any more us.’

The moment I had said it, I wished the words unspoken. Matthew’s eyes were icy cold, his expression disapproving.

‘If I thought you meant that I would take you home right now, Amy Robinson, but I know you don’t. You’re hurt and angry, and you’ve been spoiled. I’m afraid it isn’t always possible to get what you want in life, and you are just going to have to take no for an answer for once.’

His words struck deep. How could he say such a thing to me? I wasn’t spoiled, just indulged by loving parents.

‘Sometimes I don’t like you very much.’

‘Believe me, there are times when I don’t like you, Amy.’

‘Take me home! You don’t care about me a bit.’

‘Don’t be a fool!’ Matthew reached out for me, pulling me roughly into his arms. For a moment I fought him, but then I gave a sob of despair. ‘It’s only six months, my darling. I’ll telephone you at Lainie’s and I’ll come and visit as often as I can.’

‘You promise?’

He nodded, and then he was kissing me, his mouth taking hungry possession of mine, his tongue flicking inside my mouth as I opened to him. I clung to him desperately, feeling that I never wanted him to let me go. I was heedless, ready to do whatever he asked, needing this moment to last forever.

‘Oh, Amy,’ he croaked as he let me go. ‘Perhaps it’s as well that I’m going away. I’m not sure how much longer I can hold out. I want you so much …’

‘I want you, Matt. Make love to me … Everything.’

He shook his head and looked rueful. ‘That isn’t going to work, Amy. I’m not irresponsible and I don’t want to run any risks now. It would be awful for you if you fell for a baby and I was away. You would feel guilty and upset and I wouldn’t be here to comfort you. No, my darling, much as you tempt me, I’m going to wait.’

I knew there was no persuading him. Matthew had a will of iron. Besides, he was right. If we went all the way now I might fall for a baby before we could get married and my father would be disappointed in me. He trusted me and loved me. I didn’t want to see hurt or shame in his eyes.

‘Perhaps it is best if you go for a while,’ I said huskily. ‘But it’s going to seem such a long time …’