Читать книгу Cecelia Ahern 2-Book Valentine Collection: PS I Love You, Where Rainbows End - Cecelia Ahern, Cecelia Ahern - Страница 26

Holly secured her bed sheet onto the washing line with a peg and thought about how she had bumbled around for the remainder of May trying to get her life into some sort of order. Days went by when she felt so happy and content, and confident that her life would be OK, and then as quickly as the feeling came it would disappear and she would feel sadness setting in again. She tried to find a routine she could fall into so that she felt as though she belonged in her body and her body belonged in this life, instead of wandering around like a zombie, watching everybody else live theirs while she waited for hers to end.

Unfortunately the routine hadn’t turned out exactly as she hoped it would. She found herself immobile for hours in the sitting room, reliving every single memory that she and Gerry had shared. She spent most of that time thinking about every argument they’d had, wishing she could take them back, wishing she could take back every horrible word she had ever said to him. She prayed that Gerry had known her words had only been spoken in anger and that they had not reflected her true feelings. She tortured herself for the times she had acted selfishly, going out with her friends for the night when she was mad at him instead of staying home with him. She chastised herself for walking away from him when she should have hugged him, when she held grudges for days instead of forgiving him, when she went straight to sleep some nights instead of making love to him. She wanted to take back every moment she knew he had been so angry with her and hated her. She wished all her memories were of the good times but the bad times kept coming back to haunt her. They had all been such a waste.

And nobody had told them that they were short on time.

There were her happy days, when she would walk around in a daydream with nothing but a smile on her face, catching herself giggling as she walked down the street when a joke of theirs would suddenly pop into her head.

Then she would fall into days of deep dark depression; then finally build up the strength to be positive and to snap out of it for another few days. But the tiniest and simplest thing would trigger off her tears again. That was her routine. It was a tiring process and most of the time she couldn’t be bothered battling with her mind. It was far stronger than her body.

Friends and family came and went; sometimes helping her with her tears, other times making her laugh. But even in her laughter there was something missing. She never seemed to be truly happy; she just seemed to be passing time till she waited for something else. She was tired of just existing; she wanted to live. But what was the point in living when there was no life in it. These questions went through her mind over and over again till she reached the point of not wanting to wake up from her dreams that felt so real.

Deep down, she knew it was normal to feel like this. She didn’t particularly think she was losing her mind. She knew that people said that one day she would be happy again and that this feeling would just be a distant memory. It was getting to that feeling that was the hard part.

She read and reread Gerry’s letter over and over again, analysing each word and each sentence, and each day coming up with a new meaning. But she could sit there till the cows came home trying to read between the lines and guess the hidden message. The fact was that she would never really know exactly what he meant because she would never speak to him ever again. It was this that she had the most difficulty trying to come to terms with.

Now May had gone and June had arrived, bringing bright long evenings and beautiful mornings. And along with these sunny days June also brought clarity. There was no hiding indoors as soon as it got dark, no lie-ins until the afternoon. It seemed as though the whole of Ireland had come out of hibernation, taken a big stretch and a yawn, and suddenly started living again. It was time to open all the windows and air the house, to free it of the ghosts of the winter and dark days, to get up early with the songbirds and go for a walk and look people in the eye and smile and say hello instead of hiding under layers of clothes with eyes to the ground while running from destination to destination, ignoring the world. It was time to stop hiding in the dark and to hold your head up high and come face to face with the truth.

June also brought another letter from Gerry.

Holly had sat out in the sun, revelling in the new brightness of life and nervously yet excitedly read the fourth letter. She loved the feel of the card and the bumps of Gerry’s handwriting under her finger as it ran over the dried ink. Inside, his neat script had listed the items that belonged to him that remained in the house, and beside each of his possessions he explained what he wanted Holly to do with them and where he wished for them to be sent. At the bottom it read:

PS. I love you, Holly, and I know you love me. You don’t need my belongings to remember me by, you don’t need to keep them as proof that I existed or still exist in your mind. You don’t need to wear my sweater to feel me around you; I’m already here … always wrapping my arms around you.

That had been difficult for Holly to come to terms with. She almost wished he would ask her to do karaoke again. She would have jumped from an aeroplane for him; run a thousand miles, anything except empty out his wardrobes and rid herself of his presence in the house. But he was right and she knew it. She couldn’t hang on to his things for ever. She couldn’t pretend to herself that he was coming back to collect them. The physical Gerry was gone; he didn’t need his clothes.

It was an emotionally draining experience. It took her days to complete. She relived a million memories with every garment and piece of paper she bagged. She held each item near to her before saying goodbye. Every time it left her fingers it was like saying goodbye to a part of Gerry all over again. It was difficult; so difficult – and at times too difficult.

She informed her family and friends of what she was about to do and although they all offered their assistance and support time and again, Holly knew she had to do this alone. She needed to take her time; say a proper goodbye because she wouldn’t be getting anything back. Just like Gerry, his things couldn’t return.

Despite Holly’s wishes of wanting to be alone, Jack had called round a few times to offer some brotherly support and Holly had appreciated it. Every item had a history and they would talk and laugh about the memories surrounding it. He was there for her when she cried and he was there when she finally clapped her hands together, ridding her skin of the dust that remained. It was a difficult job, but one that needed to be done. And one, that was made easier by Gerry’s help. Holly didn’t need to worry about making all the big decisions, Gerry had already made them for her. Gerry was helping her and, for once, Holly felt as though she was helping him too.

She laughed as she bagged the old, dusty cassettes of his favourite rock band from his schooldays. At least once a year Gerry came across the old shoebox during his efforts to control the mess that grew inside his closet. He would blast the heavy metal music from every loudspeaker in the house just to torment Holly with its screeching guitars and badly produced sound quality. She always told him she couldn’t wait to see the end of the tapes, but now the relief didn’t wash over her as she once hoped it would.

Lying in a crumpled ball in the back corner of the wardrobe her eyes rested upon Gerry’s lucky football jersey. It was still covered in grass and mud stains, fresh from its last victorious day on the pitch. She held it close to her and inhaled deeply, the smell of beer and sweat faint, but still there. She put it aside to be washed and passed on to John.

So many objects, so many memories. Each were being labelled and packed away in bags just as they were in her mind. To be stored in an area that would sometimes be called upon to teach and help in the future. Objects that were once so full of life and importance but that now lay limp on the floor. Without him they were just things.

Gerry’s wedding tuxedo, his suits, shirts and ties that he would moan about having to wear every morning before going to work. The fashions of the years gone by, the eighties shiny suits and shell tracksuits bundled away. A snorkel from their first time scuba-diving, a shell that he had picked up off the ocean floor ten years ago, his collection of beer mats from every country they had visited. Letters and birthday cards from friends and family sent over the years. Valentine’s Day cards from Holly. Childhood teddies and dolls put aside to be sent back to his parents. Records of bills, his golf clubs for John, books for Sharon, memories, tears and laughter for Holly.

His entire life bundled into twenty refuse sacks.

His and her memories bundled away into Holly’s mind.

Each item unearthed dust, tears, laughter and memories. She bagged the items, cleared the dust, wiped her eyes and filed away the memories for safe-keeping.

Holly’s mobile began to ring, disrupting her thoughts, and she dropped the laundry basket onto the grass under the washing line and ran through the patio doors into the kitchen to answer the phone.

‘Hello?’

‘I’m gonna make you a star!’ Declan’s voice screeched hysterically on the other end, and he broke into uncontrollable laughter.

Holly waited for him to calm down while she tried to figure out what he could be talking about. ‘Declan, are you drunk?’

‘Maybe jus a lil bit, but that’s completely irrevelant,’ he hiccuped.

‘Declan, it’s ten o’clock in the morning!’ Holly laughed. ‘Have you been to bed yet?’

‘Nope,’ he hiccuped again. ‘I’m on the train home now and will be in bed in proximately three hours.’

‘Three hours! Where are you?’ Holly laughed. She was enjoying this as it reminded her of when she used to call Jack at all hours of the morning from all sorts of locations after misbehaving on a night out.

‘I’m in Galway. The wards were on last night,’ he said, as if she should know.

‘Oh, sorry for my ignorance but what awards were you at?’

‘I told you!’

‘No, you didn’t.’

‘I told Jack to tell you, the bastard …’ he stumbled over his words.

‘Well, he didn’t,’ she interrupted, ‘so now you can tell me.’

‘The student media wards were on last night and I won!’ he yelled, and Holly heard what sounded like the entire carriage celebrating with him. She was delighted.

‘And the prize is that my film is gonna be aired on Channel Four next week! Can you blieve it!’ There were more cheers this time, and Holly could barely hear what he was saying. ‘You’re gonna be famous, sis!’ was the last thing she heard before the line went dead.

She rang round her family to share the good news but learned that they had all received similar phone calls. Ciara had stayed on the phone for ages chattering like an excited schoolgirl about how they were going to be on TV, and eventually her story ended with her marrying Denzel Washington.

It was decided that the family would gather in Hogan’s pub next Wednesday to watch the documentary being aired. Daniel had kindly offered Club Diva to Declan as the venue so they could watch it on the big wall screen. Holly was so excited for her brother, and rang Sharon and Denise to let them know the good news.

‘Oh, this is brill, Holly!’ Sharon whispered excitedly.

‘Why are you whispering?’ Holly whispered back.

‘Oh, old wrinkly face here decided it would be a great idea to ban us from accepting personal calls,’ moaned Sharon referring to her boss. ‘She says we spend more time chatting on the phone to friends than doing business so she’s been patrolling our desks all morning. I swear I feel like I’m back at school again with the old hag keeping her eye on us.’ Suddenly she spoke up and became businesslike. ‘May I take your details, please?’

Holly laughed. ‘Is she there?’

‘Yes, absolutely,’ Sharon continued.

‘OK, well, I won’t keep you very long then. The details are that we’re all meeting up in Hogan’s on Wednesday night to watch it so you’re welcome to come.’

‘That’s great … OK.’ Sharon pretended to take her details.

‘Brilliant, we’ll have fun. Sharon what will I wear?’

‘Hmm … brand new or second-hand?’

‘No, I really can’t afford anything new. Even though you forced me to buy that top a few weeks ago I’m refusing to wear it on the grounds that I am no longer eighteen. So probably something old.’

‘OK … red.’

‘The red top I wore to your birthday?’

‘Yes, exactly.’

‘Yeah, maybe.’

‘What’s your current state of employment?’

‘To be honest I haven’t even started looking yet.’ Holly chewed the inside of her mouth and frowned.

‘And date of birth?’

‘Ha-ha, shut up, you bitch,’ Holly laughed.

‘I’m sorry, we only give motor insurance to ages twenty-four and older. You’re too young, I’m afraid.’

‘I wish. OK I’ll speak to you later.’

‘Thank you for calling.’

Holly sat at the kitchen table wondering what she should wear next week; she wanted something new. She wanted to look sexy and gorgeous, for a change, and she was sick of all her old clothes. Maybe Denise had something in her shop. She was about to call when she received a text message from Sharon.

Hag rite bhind me

Tlk 2 u l8r xxx

Holly picked up the phone and called Denise at work.

‘Hello, Casuals,’ answered a very polite Denise.

‘Hello, Casuals, Holly here. I know I’m not supposed to call you at work but I just wanted to tell you that Declan’s documentary won some student award thingy and it’s gonna be aired on Wednesday night.’

‘Oh, that’s so cool, Holly! Are we gonna be in it?’ she asked excitedly.

‘Yeah, I think so. So we’re all meeting up in Hogan’s to watch it that night. You up for that?’

‘Of course! I can bring my new boyfriend too,’ she giggled.

‘What new boyfriend?’

‘Tom!’

‘The karaoke guy?’ Holly asked in shock.

‘Yeah, of course! Oh, Holly, I’m so in love!’ she giggled childishly again.

‘In love? But you only met him a few weeks ago!’

‘I don’t care; it only takes a minute … as the saying goes.’

‘Wow, Denise … I don’t know what to say!’

‘Tell me how great it is!’

‘Yeah … wow … I mean … of course … It’s really great news.’

‘Oh, try not to sound too enthusiastic, Holly,’ she said sarcastically. ‘Anyway I can’t wait for you to meet him. You’ll absolutely love him. Well, not as much as I do but you’ll certainly really really like him …’ she rambled on about how great he was.

‘Denise, aren’t you forgetting that I’ve met him already?’ Holly interrupted her in the middle of a story about how Tom had saved a child from drowning.

‘Yeah, I know you have, but I would rather you meet him when you’re not acting like a demented woman hiding in toilets and shouting into microphones.’

‘Look forward to it then …’

‘Yeah, cool, it’s gonna be great! I’ve never been to my own premiere before!’ she said excitedly.

Holly rolled her eyes at her dramatics and they said their goodbyes.

Holly barely got any housework done that morning as she spent most of the time talking on the phone. Her mobile was burning and it was giving her a headache. She shuddered at the thought. Every time she had a headache it reminded her of Gerry. She hated to hear her loved ones complaining of headaches and migraines, and would immediately launch herself at them, telling them how they should take it more seriously and go see their doctors. She ended up petrifying everyone with her stories and they eventually stopped telling her whenever they felt ill.

She sighed loudly. She was turning into such a hypochondriac even her doctor was sick of the sight of her. She went running to her in a panic over the tiniest little things: if she had a pain in her leg or a cramp in her stomach. Last week she was convinced there was something wrong with her feet; her toes just didn’t look quite right. Her doctor had examined them seriously and then had immediately started to scribble her prescription down on a slip of paper while Holly watched in terror. Eventually she handed her the piece of paper, and scrawled messily in that handwriting only doctors can perfect was: ‘Buy bigger shoes.’

It may have been funny but it cost her forty euro.

Holly had spent the last few minutes on the phone listening to Jack ranting and raving about Richard. Richard had paid him a little visit too. Holly wondered whether he was just trying to bond with his siblings after years of hiding from them. Well, it was too little too late for most of them, it seemed. It was certainly very difficult trying to hold a conversation with someone who hadn’t yet mastered the art of politeness.

Oh, stop, stop, stop! she silently screamed to herself. She needed to stop worrying, stop thinking, stop making her brain go into overdrive, and she certainly needed to stop talking to herself. She was driving herself crazy.

She finally finished hanging out the washing more than two hours later and piled another load into the machine. She switched the radio on in the kitchen, had the television blaring from the living room and went about her housework. Perhaps that would drown out the whinging little voice from her head.