Читать книгу The Immortality of Influence: - Cecil Murphey - Страница 10

Those of us who are husbands should be aware of the tremendous influence we have on our wives and children. It’s essential that we provide emotional support for our wives. I have had countless conversations with men who have expressed how uncomfortable they feel because their wives make more money, have more education, or are more successful in their careers.

As long as they resent their wives’ achievements, they will never be able to fully support them. When men see the success of their wives as a part of the success of the family, they will encourage, love, and support them.

Our priority must be to love our wives—not just with our hearts—but with a commitment to help, to stand beside them, and to be present whenever we’re needed.

As husbands, if we are going to improve our relationships with our spouses, we must also learn to respect and love other men. That may sound contradictory, but if we men are constantly competitive with each other and feel the need to prove we’re stronger, faster, or tougher, that affects the way we treat the women in our lives. I don’t mean only our wives, but all women, including our mothers, sisters, and daughters. We also must teach our children to love others—not just by laying down rules but by living the right way as an example to them. We need to face the fact that raising children isn’t only a mother’s role. Especially, we should teach our boys how to treat girls and women with respect. Our boys need to learn that early.

After working nearly two decades with children in the public schools, I’ve realized that most boys won’t ask for guidance when it comes to learning how they should treat women. We have to go to them and show them how. Part of our responsibility is not only to offer guidance but also to provide ourselves as excellent role models. We can no longer allow the criminals on the street or violent athletes and entertainers to teach our boys how to be men.

As fathers and husbands, part of our adult and parental responsibility is to enlighten them and to help them understand that they must love themselves and respect others. As we show them respect, we can help them grasp what it is and how it works.

We also must teach our daughters to refuse to allow themselves to be treated with disrespect. They can influence the males in their lives in positive ways. In our school, I urge girls to report boys who treat them badly. We want to eliminate that type of negative behavior.

In recent years, a controversy has arisen about women and their lack of success in science and mathematics. There’s been an ongoing debate at Harvard University about women in the sciences. Controversial statements made by the president of the university ignited the debate. Many women have already proven they can be just as successful, if not more successful, than men. We men should support, nurture, and lovingly encourage women—all women. That’s why we’ve always encouraged girls to be involved in our chess program. Several of our girls have gone on to become more successful than most of our boys.

When I think about men supporting women, immediately my mind races to the story of one family I spent time with when I visited South Bend, Indiana. My purpose in going there was to tape a show for the Christian television station at LeSea Broadcasting. Kelly Morgan, the cohost, asked me to appear on her TV program, The Harvest Show. My coauthor, Cec Murphey, had taped a program with them for one of his own books and mentioned my name to Kelly as someone he thought she would like to interview. Kelly contacted me, and a few weeks later, I flew to South Bend to do an interview. Then I planned to go back immediately to Philadelphia.

Cec had told me, “When you meet this woman, you’re going to see she’s a powerful Christian mother, wife, committed community member, and dedicated to serving her church.”

When we met, Kelly amazed me by her dedication to her profession, career, family, and faith. She was also smart, lovely, and extremely articulate. After the show, she and I talked for a long time. When she told me her story, I realized how really successful she was. Kelly, an African-American, was born and raised in Brooklyn, New York. Her adult life started early as a young single mom and her story brought back memories of my own mother, who grew up in New York City.

I knew I wanted to hear more of her story, so I joined Kelly, her husband, John, and their two young children for a late lunch. My own views on life as a husband and father were about to change tremendously. I always thought I had been supportive. I still had lessons to learn.

As we started to eat, I watched the warmth of the family as they interacted with one another, especially with John. I could readily see the influence that man had on his family.

As I watched, I wondered if I could be as supportive as he was. Kelly was the star, and to many, he was “just” her husband. That fact didn’t seem to faze John. Everything he did showed me how confident he was as a man and how strongly he supported her career.

Earlier in the day when I visited the schools in South Bend, John took the time from his job to make sure I was comfortable and properly introduced in each building. Like Kelly, he was from New York, but he didn’t want me to leave the state of Indiana without knowing that the people there cared about others.

John and Kelly met in New York City after John had graduated from Morgan State University in Maryland, and held a good job. Kelly had been a promising music student at an early age, and had mastered the piano and violin. Her life and career had been interrupted when she became pregnant as a teenager.

When they met, Kelly was a single mom on welfare. John saw so much potential in Kelly that he often talked to her about following her dreams of a career in music. Kelly shrugged off his suggestions.

They fell in love and married, but John wasn’t ready to let his wife give up on her dreams. “You are going to go to college. You can do it,” he said. He refused to listen to her reasons why she couldn’t be successful. That went on for weeks.

One day John picked her up at home and drove her to an office where she applied for a college scholarship. She applied for admission to several colleges and was accepted at Nassau Community College in Garden City. She went to school and John stood behind her. “You can do it,” he said whenever she showed any doubts. Kelly became a top student at Nassau, where she majored in communication and maintained a 4.0 grade-point average, the highest in her graduating class, which meant she was a top candidate for valedictorian.

Three weeks before her graduation, however, Kelly still hadn’t received any information from the college about the valedictorian speech.

John, an educated man himself, was familiar with graduation protocol and knew that his wife should have been on the list of potential speakers because of her 4.0 GPA. Both of them were well aware that the top student addresses the students and families at the commencement exercise.

“I just dismissed it,” Kelly told me. “It was not a big deal. Besides, I’d been through so many disappointments in life, not being chosen valedictorian didn’t seem like a big thing.”

She didn’t realize that it was a big deal for John. Until then she hadn’t really grasped how proud he was of her achievements.

“We are definitely not going to forget this,” he told his wife. “If you are the valedictorian, you are the one who should give that address. Those young people in the audience need to see you. The women in attendance have to see that other women can achieve success at high levels and especially in academia.”

He also pointed out that Kelly would be the first African-American to graduate from that school as the valedictorian.

“The first in the history of the school,” she said as she interrupted the story. The glow in her eyes made me realize that the honor meant more to her than she had admitted. Why not? She had worked hard and had proven her ability.

They contacted the school. One professor responded to their inquiry with, “We made a big mistake, but it is too late to correct it now. We have already reviewed the final speeches and are ready to make a decision on our valedictorian address.” Another faculty member offered her money as compensation for the error.

Kelly understood the school’s position and error but it hurt her most that not one of the students preparing for the speech was from a minority group and none was graduating with a 4.0 grade-point average. She would have been the only one in the group. Kelly was so happy to be graduating and overcoming so many obstacles that she was satisfied just to finish school.

“No! We won’t settle for that,” John said. That was a real husband and father in action. “I am proud of my wife and the mother of my children,” he told the school officials. “I want her to receive any honor that she is due. She earned the right to be valedictorian.”

Some administrator said, “We forgot to notify her and somehow we erred and asked someone else.”

“That makes no sense,” John countered.

He received a number of we-are-sorry-and-you-are-right-but-it-is-too-late responses.

“That is not good enough,” John said. “She earned this honor, and she should have it.”

He told me that he contacted other people at the school, the NAACP, and other organizations to prevent this terrible injustice from taking place. They never challenged the grades of other students. The point that John kept making was that his wife had the highest GPA in the class. “She should be the valedictorian. You are sending the wrong message—you’re saying that it doesn’t matter how well she does or how well any other minority student does—only Caucasians are eligible.”

They denied any ethnic preference.

“She will be the first—the very first—African-American valedictorian in the history of this university.”

I don’t know all the details, but the people in the administration finally saw the light. They admitted it would be a travesty if Kelly was not the valedictorian. One of the professors told Kelly, “If you write a speech and submit it within twenty-four hours, we shall consider it—along with the others.”

That wasn’t quite what they wanted, but they complied. Kelly wrote the speech. She received the official word that she would be eligible to give the valedictorian address.

As I sat at the lunch table and listened, I thought, “What a powerful, spiritual man Kelly has for a husband. This man is not only proud of his wife, but willing to fight for justice for her.”

By contrast, I thought of several male friends who were honest enough to tell me they resent the success of their wives. Many are openly honest in expressing how they feel their manhood is threatened.

“I just don’t think I’m important in the family when Mom is more successful.”

That way of thinking is wrong. The amount of income doesn’t determine the value of a person. John Morgan remains an inspiration to me. He stood beside his wife, and he has been an outstanding role model for their children.

As I listened to their story, I became aware that I still needed to do more to be supportive of my own family. Whenever my wife talks about wanting to go to medical or law school, I’ve learned not to dismiss it as idle chatter or conversation. I want and need to encourage her to do anything that she wants to do.

Before I finished lunch with the Morgan family, I learned that Kelly had majored in communications and music, and in 2003, she graduated from Hofstra University in New York, summa cum laude (with highest honors). The battle from welfare mom to college graduate was not one without many, many struggles. It took her almost eight years to finish her degree after leaving Nassau Community College. But she did it.

Kelly’s life and testimony are an important message to single moms, teen parents, and all the other women who must deal with life’s daily trials and tribulations.

“Persistence overcomes resistance,” is something I like to say. I wish every woman had a John Morgan in her life to support her.

I’ve learned a lot from observing my brothers and sisters. They’ve worked hard for most of their lives, and they’ve had their own trials and hardships and have been able to overcome them. As a young child, I watched my older siblings tackle their problems. Their examples showed me that we all have misfortune and hardship, but we can also bounce back.

When we can see people—parents, siblings, friends—who fall down and get back up, we recognize that the blessing is in having the ability to get back up. Just get up and try one more time. I learned from my brothers and sisters the truth of the words of Friedrich Nietzsche, “What does not destroy me, makes me stronger.” Our one-parent family of eight children faced many hardships. Because my siblings were older, they had a more difficult time than I did, but they were great teachers in my life. I had six older brothers and sisters to depend on but the oldest ones didn’t. They didn’t realize it but they were teachers in a way. They taught and talked to me about life and learning from the mistakes of others.

My brothers and sisters have been supportive of me in my career as an educator, mentor, father figure, and author. They often visit my school and they look upon my success as success for the family. For example, my brother George, my first chess coach, helps with our chess program as a volunteer, and he has never asked for money to do that. He learned from our mother that we give whatever we have to give and encourage others any way we can.

I hope the young people I teach will grasp that fact. As they are supported and encouraged, the day will come when they need to volunteer without expectation of reward. It’s a way to give back for the blessings they have received.

I hope George doesn’t mind my mentioning that many of my students defeat him in chess. That dates back to Demetrius from my early days at Vaux all the way to Kyle Tribble, one of our newest and strongest chess talents at Reynolds Elementary School. But whether he wins or loses, George is there. He supports the others and he cares.