Читать книгу Chas and Dave - Chas Hodges - Страница 11
ОглавлениеThe upset of Mum’s last marriage had mellowed with time and contentment reigned. Life at home was good. Me, Mum, brother and sister lived upstairs. Great-grandfather in the box room, and Nan and Grandad lived downstairs. We all got on well together (after a fashion) and I was looking forward to starting my new school.
I’d scraped through the Eleven Plus and was going to Higher Grade, Edmonton. Halcyon days! But them Halcyon days were about to change, especially Sundays. Once Mum married Irish John, what used to be ‘sitting round the ol’ coal fire of a Sunday with a cup of tea, the pleasant wintery sun shining through the window and just the sound of the old clock ticking on the mantelpiece’ soon became ‘a room full of Irishmen drinking whiskey, farting, and playing poker’.
Actually John wasn’t a bad bloke really. He was as silly as arseholes when he was pissed, which was a good part of the time. I think my Mum didn’t really mind him getting pissed though, ’cos he would make her laugh. One day Mum was getting ready to go up the green, shopping.
‘Oi’ll get your fluten shopping for ye,’ says John, ‘Oi’m going up the fluten green anyway.’
We never saw him ’til next day. John’s recollection of what happened was somewhat sketchy, to say the least, but between bits pieced together from acquaintances and policemen, the story went something like this.
John got the shopping. Then decides he’ll go in the ‘Ex’ for a quick one before going home. John’s ‘quick one’ ends up being a bit longer than originally planned. Before he knows what’s happened, its two o’clock in the morning!
On the way home (he vaguely remembers this bit), he’s realised he’s left the shopping in the pub. It’s foggy and he’s pissed. It’s a long way back to the pub, but he’s been gone for over half a day and he ain’t even coming home with the shopping. Dais’ is gonna be none too pleased. But then he sees something (as though it were heaven sent!) that not only solves his problem, but will put him in Daisy’s good books for evermore.
Through the mist he sees a lorry. The back is open and inside he sees something white. It looks like something that women like to buy for their kitchens. A fridge or a washing machine. He’s dived in, nicked it and took it home on his shoulder for Dais’. He arrives home, puts it down on the door step to find his key, and then decides to have a look at what he’s nicked. It turns out to be a washing machine. They had one in the digs where he used to stay. But didn’t the big hole in the top use to have a lid on it? Where’s the lid? He’d only forgotten the lid. Dais’ will want a lid on it. He remembered seeing a round white bit in the back of that lorry. He must go back for the lid. He did. But so as not to spoil the surprise in case Daisy came out, he took the washing machine with him. An hour later he arrives back at the scene of the crime. The lorry was still there. The back was still open. The lid was still there.
John went in after it. Now as it happened, the fog had begun to clear, and it turned out the lorry was parked outside Edmonton Police Station.
John emerged from the lorry with the lid, hoisted up the washing machine and off he went. But he was spotted. John just heard ‘Oi!’ and ran with the washing machine and lid down the road. The coppers gave chase. John runs in and out of turnings trying to sidetrack ’em but the boots behind him were getting closer. As a last resort, he slung the washing machine over his head into their path. Some of the boots stopped but a couple dodged out the way and finally caught up with him.
The first we heard was a ‘phone call we got at four o’ clock in the morning saying it was the police and they’d got Mr John Rice in their custody.
The headline in the local paper was: MAN THROWS MANGLE AT POLICEMAN.
He got off light. He was fined £68, which his brother Packy paid. Mum never sent him shopping no more.
