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Monday, 10 November

posted by EditingEmma 08.32

Back To School

Deep joy.

posted by EditingEmma 13.15

I Will Never Be Friends With Hannah Condom

Oh my God. Something horrific has happened. And it’s only my first day back at college. And it’s not even lunchtime. I kid you not, actually horrific.

I was just getting a drink at the fountain when Steph came over to me.

‘Emma,’ she said. ‘Why is it going round school that you’re cyber-bullying Hannah Condom?’

I spat water all down my top.

‘WHAT?!’

‘Apparently you made fun of her surname?’

‘Oh my God.’ I put my head in my hands. ‘I wasn’t making fun of it. I said I liked it!!’

Steph smirked. ‘You like the name Condom?’

‘Yes!! It’s hilarious!’

‘Hilariously awful.’

‘It’s whimsical!’

Steph’s smirk became a grin.

‘Oh God. You believe me, don’t you?’ I said desperately. ‘I was being sincere!’

‘I believe you,’ she said. ‘Because I know you’re a total weirdo. But I don’t think anyone else will.’

Just then, I saw a bunch of girls heading my way. Hannah Condom’s friends.

Oh God.

They all started whispering in a huddle, then marched over to me.

‘Hey, what did you say to Hannah?’ one of them said.

‘I…’ I started.

‘She’s crying in the loos because of you,’ another said.

‘Oh God, I’m so sorry, I…’

‘At her last school the boys used to fill her locker up with condoms. They used to blow up condoms and write “Condom Head” on them, and leave them sitting in her chair.’

‘I’m so sorry to hear that, I…’

‘She doesn’t need that trauma again, OK?’

‘It wasn’t meant to be…’

But they’d started walking off.

‘Tell her I’m sorry!’ I yelled at their backs.

Then I turned to Steph, who was literally suffocating trying to hold her breath in from laughter. Once they’d reached a safe enough distance, she exploded into fits of snorting, raucous guffaws.

‘You…total…twat…’ she said, gasping for air.

I sat on the floor and buried my head in my hands.

‘Oh God,’ I repeated. ‘Oh God, oh God, oh God, oh God. Steph, what am I going to do?!’

‘Do you…have any…classes with…her?’ she managed.

‘No, thank the Lord!’

‘Well then…’ Her lungs sounded like they were about to collapse. ‘Just avoid eye contact…for the next year and a half… and you’re golden.’

Then I stood up, got some water in my hands from the fountain and splashed it on her. The shock seemed to calm her down.

Anyway, I think I can safely say that I will never be friends with Hannah Condom. I will never even be on remotely friendly terms with Hannah Condom.

Please can I go home now? Please???

posted by EditingEmma 19.06

I’ve Given Up

Just an official post to declare the friend mission is ABORTED. All day I had to stay well out of Hannah Condom etc.’s orbit. I did really well until after last bell, when I saw Hannah walking down the corridor. I started running in the opposite direction, only to bump into bloody Anika Khatri coming the other way. She gave me a look like I was a real freak and by the time I got past her Hannah had caught up, and she gave me a look like I was a mass murderer.

That is two out of three girls on the list I’ve not only failed to make friends with, but actually actively pissed off. How am I so terrible at this?! How do I have any friends at all? Was it all a fluke? Or was I just better at speaking to people, age eleven? Is that it now? Is all my friend-making done forever??! Oh my God. This is AWFUL.

Seriously though?? What happens when Faith goes backpacking? When Gracie gets a swanky job in New York? When Steph starts procreating with Andy? WHO WILL I TALK TO?!

Maybe I could convince Steph and Andy to let me live in their shed, if I promise to be very quiet and not to scare their children with my unwashed hair and glazed eyes.

Definitely not going in tomorrow. One day back was more than enough.