Читать книгу Safety Harbor - Chuck Cooper - Страница 20

When Stewart told Katye that Sally had asked him to preside at Keith’s funeral, she was surprised and not a little miffed.

“Sally didn’t say a word to me about it!”

“Well, she wasn’t asking you to do it!” Stewart said. “She was asking me!”

“Still, she knows the Bishop has benched you, that you aren’t to do a thing that has to do with the church. I think he’s right!”

“Why is it when you have made bad judgments that everybody thinks they have to help and everybody seems to think they know the answers and everybody claims to know better than you do! I feel totally patronized, I’m telling you! I’m tired of people deciding what’s best for me, that I can’t trust my feelings or my judgment, and by the way, I am condemned forever!”

As soon as he had said it, he knew that he had hurt her. “That last statement was not necessary, Katye. I’m sorry.”

She became very quiet. Then, slowly, and almost in a whisper, she began.

“I don’t want you to minimize what you’ve done, Stewart. You’ve betrayed me. You’ve betrayed your faith. Yes, you’ve betrayed our vows to one another. I hold you responsible. I get busy and sometimes even frenetic with activity. I know that. I enjoy people and I love the world around me and want to make it a better place.”

Her voice was moving back now to a normal volume.

“You should have come to me. You should have told me how needy you were!”

“I tried, Katye. I couldn’t get you to listen. I became so lonely, honey, so very lonely. Sometimes I could feel it pressing in on me like another layer of skin that was sore all over.”

“This is a loneliness, dear Stewart, for which I can’t take responsibility. You’ve had this deep within you since you were raised on the dreary Nebraska prairie in a crazy family in an isolated town and in a sick and incestuous church. I can’t make that all better for you. I wish I could, but I can’t.

“You can go to some other woman’s arms and she will take that loneliness away for a short time. You can replace it with the euphoria of passion, but one day the spell will break and within your heart, that same loneliness that sears the soul will invade like a hotbed of lava. But, this time it’s worse because you have to live with your betrayal. You have to live with the fact that you have walked all over those who love you for the sake of a short-lived passion that passes away, and much of the time, by virtue of its own nature, ends badly

“The only reason I stay with you, Stewart, is because I know you are a good man. You feel terrible for what you have done. You have deep remorse. I know you love me. I know you need me. What I don’t know is whether or not you will do it again. What I don’t know is if you go back to the same kind of work, will you slip back into your old ways.”

The room was filled with a seemingly eternal silence. Finally, she could stand it no longer. Katye got up from her chair and went to the kitchen.

“Would you like some tea, Stewart?” she called out.

He didn’t reply, oblivious to her question, lost in thought. She was right, of course. He had always been lonely. He’d always felt himself to be the outsider. Others had told him that he was respected, a solid member of the Diocese, a trusted pastor and priest. But he didn’t feel like it. He couldn’t see it and he couldn’t experience it. He would not feel right until every last clergy member in the Diocese accepted him and considered him their friend.

Truth was, that even if everyone considered him to be a friend or a confidante, it would not be enough. He would begin to discriminate between those who liked him most, those who liked him, and those who nodded their heads in passing. You couldn’t fill up the bottomless pit within his soul.

Thoughts can get dark. Despair sets in. Judgment is clouded. You become vulnerable. Your need for closeness and comfort is magnified. You resent your spouse as she moves further away from you and seems quite okay with it.

His brooding thoughts were interrupted by Katye’s voice.

“I took it by your lack of response that you didn’t want tea.”

He shook himself as if to cast off a spell.

“I’m sorry, Katye. I was thinking about what you said.”

“What were you thinking?”

“Among other things how right you are!”

“Of course I’m right!” she smiled mischievously. “I’m always right.”

“Except when you don’t brake soon enough and scare the wits out of me the way you come up on the cars in front of you at a stoplight!”

Their friendly banter could always be counted on to lighten things up in a tense moment. It was one of the strengths of their relationship.