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Welcome to the Two’s Company Dating Website!

Username: lady_reporter

Never easy to describe yourself, but here goes. Tall, slim, blue-eyed brunette. Loves eating out and staying in and mountaineering and skydiving, and I know everyone says they’ve got the best job in the world on these sites, but I really, genuinely think I have.

I’m also a major foodie who adores cooking for friends/ baking/ all of the above. And with apologies in advance if I come over as a boasty boaster, but my friends do reckon my chocolate cherry cupcakes, something of a house speciality round here, are worthy of The Great British Bake Off.

So, anyone out there? Anyone at all?

I posted it out there and, as you do, resolved not to check back in again for at least a good hour or so. But it was a quiet night, with shag all to speak of on telly, so after exactly seventeen minutes I cracked. And there it was, just waiting for me.

8.07 p.m.

*New Message*

Hi, lady_reporter, you have 1 new response!

From: Guy_in_the_Sky

Hey there Lady Reporter,

Like your profile. Mountaineering? Skydiving? Wow. And you’re a foodie too? Snap. Message me back soon – if you’re not halfway up Mount Kilimanjaro or about to do a parachute jump at two thousand feet, that is.

Now, as we all know in man-language, ‘message me back soon’ can mean anything from two hours to two weeks. However, all my time served at the online dating coalface had taught me that there’s almost an Alice in Wonderland/upside-down environment at play here, where the dating rules that apply in real life are totally inverted. On sites like this one, the longer you play games and wait to respond to a guy who shows initial interest, the higher the likelihood he’ll have moved onto someone else by then.

So I struck while the iron was hot.

Username: lady_reporter

Lovely to hear from you, but may I point out that’s only one personal fact about you whereas I told you loads.

Come on, fair is fair!

From: Guy_in_the_Sky

Hi again, and please excuse me, I’m kinda new to this whole online dating thing. OK, so a few more nuggets about me.

Fact two is that I’m loving the fact that you’re tall. I’m on the six foot side myself as it happens, and way back in my college dating days, I inevitably found myself going for ladies who I at least could share eye contact with.

And another bit of personal info? Gotta say, I find this whole online dating thing pretty tough to get a handle on. Guess I’m old-fashioned, but if you ask me, personal contact trumps online messaging any day.

So what do you think, Lady Reporter?

Personal contact? I thought, re-reading it. Was this guy really hinting that we swap phone numbers at this early stage? Wow, unheard of! I decided to play it cautious though and left a dignified pause, the exact length of the first half of an episode of Modern Family, before replying.

Username: lady_reporter

Sorry, but this is just a quick message, as I can’t really chat right now. Long story, but I’m at a critical stage with my pear and almond tart. Thing is, baking is almost like a fundamental switch-off mechanism for me. In fact I don’t sleep right without knowing my chocolate biscuit cake is in the fridge and setting right.

Anyway, we’ve swapped a few basic facts, which I reckon now means we get to ask each other slightly more personal questions.

 1. So whereabouts are you based exactly?

 2. And you never mentioned if you’re married/separated/divorced? Not to be overly nosey or anything, but I’m a great believer that directness – and of course total honesty online – really is the best way.

Pinger on the oven’s calling me, gotta dash.

Bye for now,

Lady_reporter.

Right. If nothing else, that was bound to fish him out, I reckoned. If this guy was married – and you’d be astonished how many of them there are out there openly masquerading as single – chances are he just wouldn’t respond and would skulk quietly off to go and hassle someone else. After all, you’ve got to protect yourself on these sites. Can’t be too careful, etc.

I finished watching Modern Family and was just about to go over to Netflix when curiosity got the better of me. And whaddya know, to my astonishment, he’d already replied.

From: Guy_in_the_Sky

Excuse my lousy manners, Ma’am.

OK, here goes. First up, I’m originally from Charleston, South Carolina, but right now I’m based here in Atlanta, Georgia, for work. You ever been to the Southern states? Best and most beautiful part of the US by a mile. And, just so you know, ladies like yourself who are into home-cooking are generally held to be a deeply treasured species down here.

Second thing is that I’ve actually been married before. Amy and I had a wonderful, joyous ten years together, and I cherish that time as just about the happiest in my whole life. We got a son who lives here with me and his grandma, and that little kid is the light of my life. Name of Logan. He’s six years old, cute as a button and smart as a whip. Yelling at me right now for spending too much time on my computer when he wants me to play Minecraft on his Xbox with him, so I guess that’s my cue to say over and out.

For now, at least.

You want to exchange photos and emails? Or maybe even real names? Seems kinda funny to keep referring to you as ‘Lady Reporter’.

Message me back real soon. Xxx

Photos and emails? Already? I blinked a bit in disbelief, on account of how normally it can take days or even longer to get to this stage online. OK, so this was clearly a ‘jump in two feet first’ kind of guy. So this time I left it a good hour before messaging him back, thinking safety first. Because you just never know online, do you?

Username: lady_reporter

Me again.

So … you’re divorced? Separated? With shared custody of Logan?

With apologies if I come across as being a bit nosey. It’s just you really can’t be too careful these days, can you?

PS And just so you know, the entire screen of my iPad is now covered in flour, baking soda and apricot jam. And it’s ALL YOUR FAULT.

PPS Logan sounds so adorable.

I hit the send key and waited. Six minutes this time, that’s exactly how long it took for him to get back to me.

A Very Good Sign.

From: Guy_in_the_Sky

Please excuse me. Guess being single for so long kind of makes me forget my manners. Fact is, I’m a widower. My beautiful wife Amy passed away when Logan was just eighteen months old. Most painful thing of all is that even though I try my best to keep her memory alive for him, truth is he barely remembers her. But right now, he keeps on badgering me for a new Mom and ‘younger brothers and sisters, that he can boss around’.

Gotta tell you, the whole dating landscape has changed a lot since before I got married. This is my very first foray into the whole online dating thing so please bear with me if I come on a bit too strong. Just not used to the whole scene, that’s all. Be patient with me, Lady Reporter.

By the way, you still haven’t told me what you do for a living? You said you love your job, but you never told me what exactly that is? Though I’m guessing the clue is probably in your username.

OK. So it was at this point I started to sit up and really pay attention. He was a widower, which proved he wasn’t commitment-phobic or afraid of marriage, plus he had a kid, which clearly said ‘family man’. Exactly the type statistically proven that goes on to remarry and live happily ever after. We once did a story on it at the radio station where I work and now I was thinking … could it be possible? On a lonely, ordinary, nothing-special Friday night, had I accidentally stumbled on the holy grail of online dating?

This time, I was back to him after just half an hour spent watching House of Cards.

Username: lady_reporter

Oops! Sorry, serves me right for emailing and getting distracted by my salted caramel sauce at the same time.

To answer your question, I’m an investigative journalist on a current affairs show here in Dublin. It’s a very full schedule and it’s demanding, but even on the bad days, when it’s 5 a.m. and I’m shivering in sub-zero temperatures outside Mountjoy Prison, covering some convicted drug baron’s release, I still wouldn’t swap it for anything.

Got to dash, need my two hands to use the Magimix.

I winced a bit at the sheer barefacedness of the lie, because basically all the above is just a teeny bit of an exaggeration. An investigative reporter on a current affairs show? I only bleeding wish. In actual fact I’m a lowly researcher and while my dream is one day to work on TV news, the sad reality is that the only gig I can get these days is on an afternoon phone-in show; one of those caller-dependent programmes where listeners ring in to give out about their social welfare being cut or else the price of the bin charges. And my job is to trawl through the papers and the Internet in the hope that some good, juicy, contentious news item will jump out at me, which our presenter then invites callers to ring in on and pitch their two cents’ worth about.

But then I glanced back at my last post and thought shag it anyway. Besides, it wasn’t an out and out porker, just a tweaking and a slight embellishment of the truth, that was all. Huge difference. And everyone cheats the small stuff a wee bit online, don’t they? It’s a truth universally acknowledged that if a guy says he’s ‘chubby’, it means ‘morbidly obese’. Similarly, ‘fond of fun times’ means ‘swinger.’ Oh, and ‘enjoys a few drinks’ means ‘would gladly suck the alcohol out of a deodorant bottle’.

Online it’s acceptable, I told myself. Everyone does it, and the way I look on it, this is just how you level out the playing field. And I’m sure this guy is no different. So maybe he’s a little older than I’m assuming, or maybe he’s not six feet tall, like he claims. But when it comes down to it, these are all relatively minor concerns, aren’t they?

Yet again, he was back to me almost instantly.

From: Guy_in_the_Sky

Wow. Sure didn’t realize I was messaging a bona fide celebrity! What a fascinating job; sure as hell is more interesting than mine, I can tell you.

PS I’m guessing you got a real pretty first name.

And I’d sure love to know what it is.

Username: lady_reporter

Holly. It’s Holly.

From: Guy_in_the_Sky

A real pleasure to meet you, Holly from Ireland, even if it is only virtually. I’m Andy McCoy, at your service.

Really gotta go; Logan’s throwing a football into my face right now. Oh, and I forgot to mention, I’m a commercial pilot for the good people over at Delta Airlines. I fly the transatlantic route mostly and travel over and back to Ireland regularly. Shannon mostly, but Dublin too. Friendliest people in the world, and boy, are the girls pretty.

Over and out, Ma’am, for the moment at least.

At your service,

(Captain) Andy McCoy.