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Staying One

Introduction: Thank you for choosing to lead a workshop based on Staying One: How to Avoid a Make-Believe Marriage. This guide is intended to help you do this by decreasing the amount of preparation time you’ll need and by providing you with a script from which you can choose what to include, what to leave out, and what to say differently.

It is important to encourage participants in the workshop to read Staying One ahead of time, and at various places in the workshop, they will need to refer to it.

It’s also important that each person have his or her own Workbook. These booklets provide an easy and efficient way for participants to write down and save their answers to the exercises and to make notes on what their spouses say.

As much as you can, use examples from your own life to illustrate key points. Just be sure that such examples are brief, well-organized, and carefully chosen. Make sure that each example crisply demonstrates what you’re trying to get across.

I emphasize in the book how communication is about connecting. Speaking from experience is often the best way to connect. Sharing personally has the additional benefit of encouraging candor in participants.

It is important to rehearse ahead of time what you’re going to share. This will help you move along quickly and thereby keep the primary focus on your audience.

You may be able to complete the entire workshop in one day, although to do this you will either have to move along briskly or omit some sections, perhaps the ones marked optional. As the workshop progresses, there are more and more exercises for participants to complete. It is designed to move from acquiring information to improving skills.

It’s a good idea to announce a five- to six-minute break after the first forty to forty-five minutes, and thereafter to take additional short breaks every two hours or so. I’ve found that if I announce to an audience that we’re going to take a six-minute break, it usually takes at least ten minutes to get everyone seated and to resume.

Throughout this Guide, you will find sentences and paragraphs you can use to lead the workshop. These are the indented paragraphs. Feel free to use your own words if doing that feels more natural. After the symbol [TIP], you will find suggestions and reminders that may assist you as the facilitator and presenter. These are for you and are not intended for participants. The symbol [BOOK] indicates where in Staying One you will find material corresponding to what you are presenting.

A good workshop starts with solid content, which I hope we’ve provided in the book. But the art of facilitating a good workshop has to do with two other things. First, you have to practice enough beforehand so that you can deliver the material smoothly and efficiently. Second, there’s the issue of pacing. If you move too quickly through the material, you may lose your audience, and if you move too slowly, they will likely become bored and mentally check out.

It is important to become familiar with the entire contents of this Guide before you lead a workshop. The best way to do this is to say out loud everything you intend to say to participants. This should ensure that it moves along quickly and that it flows smoothly.

Having participants sit at eight- to twelve-person tables may work well. The important thing is to make it easy for them to get up and move around, since they have to do this to complete many of the exercises. They will need a reasonable amount of privacy, so try to use a room that allows couples to talk by themselves, which they will have to do from time to time during the workshop.

What appears below has been based on the detailed outline we use to facilitate marriage workshops. If you prepare diligently and follow it closely, the odds are high that you will lead a workshop that is highly successful.

Opening Prayer

[TIP] Begin the workshop with prayer. Or, ask a participant you know well to pray; just be sure to ask that person ahead of time to make sure he or she is comfortable doing this.

Introductory Comment

[TIP] It is important that participants know that they will not be put on the spot. Attending a marriage workshop can be anxiety producing. This is partly because people naturally fear embarrassment. Perhaps introduce the workshop with something like this:

This workshop has been designed for couples wanting to strengthen and deepen their marriages. In it, you’ll be given many opportunities to practice specific skills. I want to assure you, at the outset, that all of this practice will be private, within your marriage, and I will not ask you to communicate anything to anyone other than your spouse.

What we are going to do today involves learning and listening—you’re here because you want to understand how to have the best marriage you can. But it also involves doing. Many of the modules in this workshop include exercises for you to do alone or with your husband or wife. But, again, none of these is likely to cause you embarrassment.

Warm-Up

[TIP] This activity will help break the ice and get participants doing something immediately.

I’d like to ask you all to stand up.

[TIP] You may have to nudge them a little.

Men, please introduce yourself to three other men. Greet them and tell them you’re glad they’re here. Try to choose men you don’t know well. Ladies, please introduce yourself to three other women you don’t know well. Greet them also and tell them you’re happy they’re here.

[TIP] Give them a few minutes to do this. Then, thank them and politely ask them to sit down.

Before we do anything else, I’d like to make a few preliminary comments.

Formal Introduction

[BOOK] Chapter 2

Life is hard, and so is marriage. Having a great marriage takes work and lots of it. But it can also bring you tremendous joy. A good marriage is like a long and engaging conversation.

Here are some important things to keep in mind throughout the workshop:

1. You are a sinner.

2. Your husband or wife married a sinner.

3. If you’ve been married and are now single, your spouse was a sinner, and he or she also married one—you.

4. None of us loves the Lord, our God, with all our heart, strength, mind, and soul.

5. None of us loves our neighbor as much as, deep down, we love ourselves.

Knowing That versus Knowing How

[BOOK] Chapter 2

[TIP] It’s important that they understand, at the outset, that there are two very different kinds of knowledge.

I would now like to say a few words about two different kinds of knowing. One is knowing that and the other is knowing how.

You could spend three lifetimes learning all about bicycles. For example, you could learn all about how spinning wheels keep it upright. This is called the gyroscopic effect. And, you could learn how gears work and why friction applied through brake pads slows the bicycle down. These are all examples of knowing that.

None of this would get you one step closer to learning to ride a bicycle. Riding involves knowing how.

This workshop will give you plenty of information. It will be rich in content, so that you’ll come out of it knowing quite a bit. There will be plenty of content, plenty of knowing that.

But it will also provide you with constructive practice. You will actually do things to strengthen your marriage. So, we will also focus on knowing how.

What you experience will probably be memorable.

I will do nothing that should cause you to feel awkward or embarrassed. We are all members of the Body of Christ, and I intend to treat you as my beloved brothers and sisters.

No Psychology As Religion

I also want to assure you that I’m not going to tell you anything that is contrary to the gospel. There will be no psychology as the new religion. To use the Apostle Paul’s words, you’re not going to run into any sort of “new gospel.”

Use of Scripture

Throughout the workshop, I’m going to cite passages of Scripture. Please apply the verses to yourself in your marriage, not just to others you encounter in church or on the street. Meditate on the Word of God. Store it in your heart.

Let’s turn, now, to a few different ways of thinking about the gospel.

What the Gospel Means in Marriage

[BOOK] Chapter 2

How would you define the gospel?

[TIP] For this and any other question you ask during the workshop, if the room is quiet for ten or fifteen seconds, don’t rush in to fill the silence. Trust the group. They’re highly unlikely to endure silence for long. Someone will say something. Be patient with their answers.

Here are some of the answers you might hear:

• Jesus Christ died for our sins.

• He died in our place and paid the penalty for sin.

• God calls or has called us to himself.

• We’ve been given a full pardon.

• God has elected us.

Some have said that the gospel is that God loves us. That’s true of course. But it’s only half the story. The gospel, as applied to our lives, is God loves us anyway. He loves us in spite of ourselves.

The idea behind a great marriage is to love your spouse anyway.

Before we go any further, I want to suggest two rules of engagement.

Rules of Engagement

[BOOK] Chapter 2

I’d like to ask you to adhere to a couple of principles. You can think of them as rules of engagement that I’m asking you to honor.

[TIP] The following one is important to verbalize because you may have to say to a participant, now and then, that you’ll get back to that later (if this is true), or that the two of you can discuss the issue privately during the next break. Do not let anyone hijack the workshop. If someone is monopolizing the conversation, look away from that person, and politely but firmly redirect the discussion.

The first is that you be tolerant of my desire to move us along. We have a lot to cover, and I want to make sure you get everything you can from our time together.

The second rule of engagement is that you make no killer statements. This is unlikely to happen. Still, I’d like to give you two examples of killer statements.

“My husband is so lazy that I can’t believe I married him.”

“My wife hounds me so much, I just tune her out.”

These kinds of comments should not be aired in public. They really shouldn’t be said at all. They are not constructive or edifying.

I want to comment quickly on what a workshop is, and on how this one is organized.

A Workshop of Modules

A workshop is different from a seminar. In a seminar, you may learn a lot of content, but you usually don’t do anything. There’s a lot of knowing that but not much knowing how. A workshop involves active participation, so that you walk away with new or enhanced skills or abilities. So, workshops involve both kinds of learning. You learn that but you also learn how.

Our workshop today is made up of modules. Most of them will be short. Each module is an individual unit that builds on the ones before it.

Onward.

Preview of Where We’re Going

[BOOK] Chapter 2

I want to give you an idea of what we’re going to address in the workshop. So, I’ll give you a quick preview. We’ll discuss the following:

• What communication is and what it isn’t.

• The nature of good and not-so-good marriages.

• Some basic characteristics (dimensions) of all relationships.

• The nature of divorce and what predicts it.

• Recognizing what you most appreciate about your spouse.

• Expressing appreciation to each other.

• Basic male and female differences.

• Modes of expressing love.

• Sharing beliefs and desires about these modes.

• Principles for constructive discussions (rules for fair arguing).

• Marriage as ongoing negotiation and what good negotiators do.

• Do’s and don’ts in the area of sexuality.

• Resentment as lethal to communication.

• Humor—when to use it and when not to.

• What every man and woman wants to hear.

• Developing a private marital compact.

• Subscribing to your personal compact.

• Some biblical principles for enjoying a blessed, happy, and fulfilling marriage.

What’s Going to Happen After Lunch

[TIP] If you are a man leading this workshop, recruit a woman, possibly your wife, to help with this. She should be wise and sensitive, and therefore willing to listen to whatever female participants share, without criticism or condemnation. And, if you’re a woman leading it, recruit a man with a good feel for facilitating a discussion. If the mood is right, women will sometimes share things they’d never verbalize with their husbands in the room, and only with other women. The same applies to men. This half hour to forty-five minutes is likely to be among the richest times in the workshop.

Exactly when to break for lunch will depend on where you are in the workshop agenda around noon, so I’m including this here, well beforehand.

One value of holding these all-male and all-female discussions immediately after lunch is that they are likely to be highly engaging. This will help offset any after-lunch sleepiness in participants.

I want to say a few words about what we’re going to do immediately after lunch. I’ll meet alone with the men, and (Name) will meet alone with the women. If you’re a man, there may be issues you only want to discuss in the company of other men. And, if you’re a woman, there may be issues you only want to discuss with other women.

Let’s talk briefly about something I’m going to emphasize again and again.

Importance of Writing Things Down and Saving Them

Have you ever forgotten something because you didn’t write it down? Or, thrown something away and later regretted that you had?

[TIP] Again, don’t rush in to fill any silence you may encounter. After a few people offer answers, move on.

It’s been proven many times that we remember what we write down far better than what we don’t. We recall what we’ve written far more than what we’ve only thought or heard.

And, written records allow us to go back and refresh our memories whenever we want.

What you hear today from your spouse is likely to be highly valuable, but the details may not be easy to remember.

I strongly urge you to write everything down in your Workbook and to save it.

[TIP] Remember to take a short break after forty to forty-five minutes, and roughly every two hours thereafter.

Let’s turn now to our first major topic, which is the nature of communication.

What Communication Is and Isn’t

[BOOK] Chapter 3

“Love each other as I have loved you” (John 15:12, NIV). This is not optional. It was a direct order from Jesus, our Supreme Commander. Here’s how the ESV translates it: “This is my commandment, that you love one another as I have [already] loved you.” Please live this out, throughout the morning, with your “flawed” spouse.

[TIP] Pause just a moment to let this sink in, and also to signal that you’re about to make a transition.

What I’m about to tell you applies not only to your spouse, but also to everyone else you come in contact with.

What do you think communication is? How would you define it?

[TIP] Give them time to come up with a few answers, and try to affirm them if you can.

Here’s the version that makes the most sense to me. It’s covered in Chapter 3 of the book. Communication is connecting with your audience. If you don’t connect, you aren’t communicating.

[TIP] Try to give them an example from your own life of when you failed to connect and therefore to communicate.

The most important “audience” you’ll ever have is the person you’re married to. So, it’s very important to connect.

Communication involves both sending and receiving. If you just talk, you’re only sending, and if you just listen, you’re only receiving.

I want to explain the difference between digital and analogical communication, which is like the difference between digital and the old analog signals.

Digital communication is like computer code. It’s precise and explicit, so the message is clear. Analog communication is imprecise and implicit, so the message is often ambiguous. In marriage, digital is generally better.

Communication is the platform for all relationships. Without it, there is no relationship, or at least no true interpersonal relationship. Communication is the vehicle or medium for connecting with another person. It occurs verbally, through words, but it also occurs non-verbally, through posture, facial expression, tone of voice, and lots else.