Читать книгу Birds of a Feather - Cressida McLaughlin, Cressida McLaughlin - Страница 6

The marsh harrier is a large bird of prey with a brown body and a pale head. It feeds on animals that live on or near marshes and drops unsuspectingly onto defenceless creatures from the air. Its courtship call is a kind of mewling wail.

— Note from Abby’s notebook.

Outside the window of Peacock Cottage, the sunshine blazed. Abby Field could hear the bubbling trill of a robin close by, the gentle tap of bees occasionally banging against the windowpane, but inside the house, everything was quiet.

Jack Westcoat took a sip of coffee and let out a sigh that was like the slow deflating of a balloon.

Abby didn’t know how it had come to this; sitting on the sofa in the quaint, secluded cottage with the man who, over the last few months, she had come to see as the brightest part of her life. He was her summer to the spring of working at Meadowsweet Nature Reserve, to the winter of a confusing, unhappy childhood, her parents’ turbulent relationship leaving a mark that she thought she would never be able to rub away. She hadn’t imagined she would open up to him, allow him into her life, but he had snuck in, their sparring matches the fireworks of early attraction, their walks – through the reserve, around the abandoned Swallowtail House – early dates, and finally, last night, she had given in to her feelings for him.

And now this.

The London event the previous evening was supposed to have been the beginning of a fresh start for Jack, a chance to banish the memory of the year before, where he’d very publicly attacked a fellow author, Eddie Markham, and had slunk away to the Suffolk countryside with his reputation in tatters. Jack had asked Abby to accompany him to the gala, and she’d barely had to think about it. She had socialized, watched in admiration as Jack had charmed everyone and denied Eddie the satisfaction of a repeat of the previous year, and then they had returned, tired but with an air of quiet relief; not quite triumph, but close. When he had asked the driver to take them both to Peacock Cottage rather than drop Abby at home, she hadn’t hesitated. She had wanted Jack for so long, and the reality was better than all her imaginings.

But this morning Eddie Markham had turned up in Meadowgreen and tricked her. He’d grabbed her, a photographer waiting to take a photo of their false embrace. And now she was here, trying to understand why Jack hadn’t given his side of the story in the first place, and what this new development was likely to cost him, just when he’d started to put the guilt and regret behind him.

‘Eddie Markham was my best friend,’ Jack said, and the sound of his voice, low and deep, on the edge of breaking, made Abby’s breath catch.

Raffle, her husky, lifted his head briefly from his front paws, and then went back to snoozing at their feet.

‘We met at school,’ Jack continued, ‘and were pretty much inseparable. My background was more privileged than his, and that didn’t matter to me, but as we grew older, it was clear that it did to him. I tried my hardest not to ever make a point of it, and I thought we had enough in common that Eddie could see past it, but whenever we got in trouble he’d make quips about my dad bailing me out, how I was untouchable. In fact, Dad came down hard on me without fail, adamant that I had to learn from my mistakes.’

He glanced at Abby then away again, as if it was easier to pretend he was telling someone else. ‘As we got close to the end of school, Eddie started to behave outlandishly, splashing money that I didn’t think he had to go on expensive holidays, buying designer clothes, burning hundreds of pounds on nights out. And then we went to Oxford together, and things got worse.’

He released Abby’s hand and took Shalimar from the coffee table, squeezing the tatty toy between his fingers.

‘Worse?’ she prompted softly.

‘He started taking drugs, disregarding everything except having a good time: wild nights out, turning up drunk or wasted to tutorials, insistent that I should join him, that this was the best time of our lives.’

‘And this was what the papers were referring to?’ Abby’s throat felt as if it was sealed shut.

He nodded. ‘I was young, living away from home for the first time, and I suppose I was weak. But it was a few joints, too much alcohol and partying. I never took the harder drugs, never went to the extremes Eddie did, but I’m not proud of the way I behaved. And of course, it began affecting my studies. I told myself I was going along with him to protect him, to stop him self-destructing, that I was still fully in control.’

‘But you weren’t?’

Jack ran a hand over his jaw, the gesture now so familiar to Abby. ‘Not at all. And Eddie laid it at my door, said that I could have anything I wanted so why shouldn’t he be the same. It was warped, but I felt guilty. I wondered if, somehow, I had pushed him into it. I couldn’t see straight to a way out for him, but when my grades started to suffer, and with Eddie getting more and more reckless, I realized that I had to change. I didn’t enjoy being constantly high or hungover, and I didn’t want to be part of Eddie’s blinkered destructiveness. I told him that I wasn’t doing it anymore, hoping it would make him see sense too.’

‘What did he say?’

‘At first, he left me behind, and a part of me was relieved. But then he got his act together, dragging up his grades and knocking on my door, wanting to reconcile. That became the pattern; he’d work hard for a while, and then get lured back into the drugs and start going downhill again.’

‘And you stayed friends with him all this time?’ Abby asked.

‘I realized, after that first time, that I couldn’t do anything else,’ Jack said. ‘I’d grown up with him. How could I live with myself if I left him to fall apart? I continued to go out with him – though it was more as a chaperone. I stayed away from the drugs, stood up for him when his dedication to the course was questioned. And then I had a wake-up call.’ He leaned forward and rubbed furiously at his cheeks.

Abby took hold of his wrists and gently pulled his hands away. ‘What happened?’

‘Eddie spiked my drink with Ecstasy on a night out. He was already wired, I’d refused, as always, and so he took the decision out of my hands.’

‘Oh my God.’ Abby’s stomach twisted. She tried to imagine the panic, the helplessness of something like that happening to her. For Jack, who was always – almost always – so in control, it must have been horrifying.

‘I’d started seeing a girl, Hannah, and when I got back to our flat I was a mess. I’d worked out what he’d done, but I couldn’t think straight. I didn’t know how much he’d put in my drink, and Hannah ended up calling an ambulance. She was upset and scared, my parents were called and the college was notified. I was lucky not to lose my place.

‘After I’d stopped taking part in Eddie’s stupid games and tried to support him, he’d compromised my relationships, my future. I thought, if he can go that far, then what else can he do? I broke off all contact with him and threw myself into my studies. And, over time, I heard he’d improved. He got cleaned up, started studying again, managed to scrape through with a degree of his own.

‘A couple of years after I’d graduated, when I’d been writing for a while trying to get a novel finished, our old professor, Ernest Chisolm, contacted me. He said Eddie was writing a book and was desperate to rebuild bridges. I should have said no – to this day I wish I had – but I was curious. I also thought that what he’d done to me had been the catalyst for his own recovery and I felt, somehow, I owed it to him to hear him out.’

‘It’s understandable,’ Abby said, sliding her finger round the rim of her coffee cup.

‘Is it? I knew that getting back in touch with him was a bad idea, that however much he’d moved on, that self-destructive nature wasn’t too far from the surface. But I saw him, and there was a semblance of the old Eddie there. He drew me back in – he’s charming, clever, and very good at pulling the wool over people’s eyes. We weren’t as tightly bound as we’d been before, but our friendship was shakily resurrected. And then, just as we were both getting our careers off the ground, he was accused of plagiarism by Ernest Chisolm. He’d ripped off the work of our tutor, who had stayed in touch with him, helped him, long after graduation.’

Abby inhaled. ‘Seriously? Your tutor’s work?’

Jack nodded. ‘Eddie asked me to bail him out. He said he was innocent, that Ernest was making it up, bitter that Eddie’s book was being published when his wasn’t. He said Ernest was lying but that he could placate him, make it go away. However, there was also a journalist who had uncovered it, and it was someone I knew. I wanted time to compare their work, to see for myself and make a decision, but Eddie told me the story was going to print, that there was no time.

‘He was so close to the edge, high on drink and drugs again, worse than I’d ever seen him, and I knew this could tip him over. I agreed to pay off the journalist while he settled whatever he needed to with Ernest, as long as he never mentioned my involvement to anyone, got his life back on track and stayed away from me.’

He looked at Abby, laughing when she was unable to hide her confusion.

‘I know,’ he said softly. ‘I should never have agreed to it. But he was drowning, Abby. And I, all high and mighty with my book deal and good early reviews, thought I could pull him out of the depths. It was about helping an old friend but, looking back, I realize it was about my own arrogance, too. I wanted to show him that I was tired of all his shit, that I was stronger than he presumed, and I could get this journalist to listen to me. Look how that’s turned out.’

‘Jack.’ Abby scooted forwards and took his hands. His T-shirt was faded red, the neckline pulled slightly out of shape. She thought of him putting it hastily on as Eddie had knocked on the door of Peacock Cottage that morning, imagining it would be her, then the shock at seeing him standing there.

‘He took my help and disappeared,’ Jack continued, clearly needing to get to the end of the story. ‘I checked their work, discovered that – of course – he had stolen Ernest’s. He’d been lying, I’d helped him to get away with it, and lost the trust and friendship of my old tutor in the process. But I believed that, in doing what I’d done, I’d saved Eddie – perhaps even his life – and that in some respects it was a price worth paying.

‘I got on with my life, barely heard his name, didn’t see any more books after his first, ripped-off novel. Then he started to appear in the red tops, pictured falling drunkenly out of nightclubs, better known for being a troublemaking socialite than a writer. And then, last year, there was news of this new book.

‘Eddie’s publicity was never going to involve straightforward reviews or a launch event at Waterstones, but I hadn’t expected that interview, or the lies in it. The idea that I forced him to brush the plagiarism under the carpet, that he had wanted to come clean, that I bullied him, couldn’t be further from the truth. And, if you were wondering …’ He sighed again, squeezing her hand. ‘I did not sleep with the journalist. I knew her, which was the reason Eddie had asked for my help in the first place, so I was more likely to be able to persuade her. Though the substantial sum she asked for was probably the defining factor.’

‘I wasn’t wondering,’ Abby said. ‘I didn’t believe that for a second. But what did he say to you – at the awards?’

Jack took his hand away and drank his coffee, even though it had long since gone cold. ‘He said that I shouldn’t be too disheartened that my relationship with Natasha had ended, that there were probably some journalists waiting in the wings to ease my pain, as long as I paid them well enough.’

Abby closed her eyes.

‘I know, it’s pathetic, but on top of the interview he’d given … I’d been called in by my publishers, asked to explain myself, was close to losing my contract. And he’d begged me to help him hide the plagiarism claim. At the time, I’d put everything on the line – my career, my reputation, my relationship with my former professor – and then, years later, he revealed it himself anyway, twisting my involvement. And so, when he appeared, seemingly without a care in the world and said that to me – I lost it. It was stupid and reckless. I regret it as much as any other part of this whole, sorry business.’ He stood up and walked to the window, pushing it wide open.

Sounds of spring invaded the room, a relief after the darkness of his story. It was horrible, all of it. Their friendship starting out so innocently, Eddie beginning to crumble under the pressure of trying to prove himself, the way he’d held on to Jack and blamed him equally, creating something toxic and destructive between them. And yet, she still didn’t understand.

‘Why didn’t you tell your side of the story? Why didn’t you explain to a newspaper, or someone you trusted, what really happened all those years ago?’

Jack turned and leaned against the windowsill. ‘Because I didn’t want to stoop to his level. I didn’t want to bring what would essentially be a playground spat out into the open.’

‘A playground spat? Jack, he spiked your drink! He stole someone’s work, got you to cover for him, then fed all those lies about you to the paper.’

‘But I chose to keep our friendship intact,’ Jack said. ‘I let him back in, and maybe I was partly to blame from the start. Maybe I caused this. His disregard for other people, the drugs, the need to steal Ernest’s work to secure his own future.’

‘How could you be responsible for what Eddie did, for the way he lived his life? Jack …’ She pushed herself up and walked over to him. ‘From what you’ve told me, you have given him too many chances. You tried to rescue him when, the truth is, he doesn’t want to be rescued. The man I met today was cruel. He has caused this pain, and implicated you, deliberately. He’s jealous of you, and he can’t bear to see you do well. You have to stop protecting him.’

‘I will. I have. After what he did to you—’

‘He didn’t hurt me,’ she said quickly.

‘But he did,’ Jack said. ‘Don’t brush it away.’ He ran his fingers through his hair, blinking rapidly, and Abby suddenly saw how vulnerable he was, as if the boy who had first smiled at Eddie Markham in a classroom all those years ago had returned, only to discover that Eddie had never really been his friend at all.

‘Don’t worry about me.’

‘Of course I do,’ he whispered. ‘You’re everything, Abby.’

He kissed her and she pressed herself against him, the spring breeze caressing her through the window as she tried to believe his words, that he wasn’t just reaching out for something positive in the midst of fresh despair.

‘I have to call Leo,’ he said eventually. ‘I have to tell him what’s happened.’

‘Of course. Do you want me to go?’

He shook his head. ‘Stay with me?’

She made more coffee, listening to the cadence of his deep voice through the thin walls of the cottage. The back garden was a riot of spring flowers, of tulips and lupins, a white rose bush, the stems drooping under the weight of its blooms. Bees buzzed, early cabbage whites flittered happily in the still air, and she heard the trill of a warbler in the woodland beyond. Everything outside was peaceful and beautiful, carrying on in a way that made her envious.

When she returned to the living room, Jack was slumped on the sofa, staring at his phone.

‘What did Leo say?’ Abby asked.

Jack didn’t reply immediately. He looked at her apprehensively, and despite the warmth of the day, she felt chilled.

‘What?’ Abby whispered.

‘He’s pissed off,’ Jack said. ‘Understandably.’

‘With Eddie?’

‘And with me. He thinks I should have seen it coming, that I should have protected you, and he’s right. I should have—’

‘What? Stopped me from leaving the house? Come on Jack, how could you have predicted this would be his next move? And isn’t Leo just firing off because he’s panicking? He seemed happy enough last night, unless he was giving you warnings when I wasn’t listening.’

Jack shook his head. ‘He wasn’t. But he thinks I need to face it this time, to stand up to Eddie, and I’ve told him I’m ready to tell my side of the story. I’m just sorry this has led to you being involved. If I hadn’t asked you to come with me last night …’

‘Stop it, Jack.’ She sat next to him and put the steaming mugs on the table. ‘What is the point of if only? We are where we are, and you need to listen to Leo, do everything he says. Promote your book, show everyone the real you, and prove that Eddie’s story is a complete fabrication.’

‘You sound so certain.’

‘And you sound like you’re already defeated. Come on Jack, where’s your fighting spirit?’

He gave her a lopsided smile. ‘My fighting spirit is here. With you.’

‘There you go then,’ Abby said. ‘Let’s see some of it.’

But Jack’s smile faded, taking Abby’s confidence with it. She suddenly felt weighted down by something, a realization that didn’t hit home until Jack confirmed it.

‘Leo says I need to go back to London. That I need to be proactive, speak to Bob Stevens about the Page Turner Foundation, get the interviews started. He says I can’t do that from here, that I have to throw myself back into the spotlight, bulldoze Eddie’s claims with my presence and overwhelm the negative stories with positive ones.’

Abby’s mouth was so dry that she could barely speak. ‘In London,’ she managed.

‘In London.’

‘When?’ It was a whisper.

‘He’s coming up first thing tomorrow, to help me pack.’

‘Tomorrow.’

The room was full of echoes. She couldn’t do anything else but repeat his words and try and make sense of the fact that, after tomorrow, Jack wouldn’t be here anymore.

‘Abby, I don’t want to leave you, but I don’t have a choice.’

She felt the well of emotion, her thoughts whirring, wondering if this return to London was planned all along. If Tessa was right, and he had been using her from the beginning. But then she forced herself to look at him – and couldn’t believe it.

‘I could come,’ she said.

Hope flashed briefly across his face, then disappeared. ‘No, you couldn’t. Your life is here, in Meadowgreen. With Penelope and Rosa, Octavia, Raffle, Meadowsweet. I could never ask that of you.’

‘You don’t want me to come?’

‘You have no idea how much I want you to come, how painful it is that I know you can’t.’

‘I could. I—’ Her words were swallowed up as Jack pulled her against his chest. She pressed her face into the warm fabric of his T-shirt.

‘I should never have let you get dragged into this,’ he said. ‘I should have left you alone after that first day, when you came to berate me for complaining. You were right, too, but I couldn’t help it. Already, I knew I needed to see you again. I invented that rubbish about pheasants damaging my car, I sat at my desk thinking up ways I could get you to come here, or I could come and see you. Even after we’d been for coffee, part of me knew this was just a fantasy, that Peacock Cottage, Meadowgreen – you’re too good for me.’

‘Don’t say that.’

‘And now I’ve proved that I can’t hold on to it.’

‘Jack, this is not your fault.’ She sat up. ‘How could it be?’

‘I should have stayed away from you. I should have been stronger, and then this – Eddie, going back to London – none of it would have mattered.’

‘Of course it would have. How can you say that?’

‘Because without you, I …’ He faltered, shrugging.

After tomorrow he would be back in London, and Peacock Cottage would be empty again. She would be left with nothing but memories and a dull ache in her chest that was already unfurling, blossoming like the roses in the garden.

A single tear leaked out, and she broke eye contact with him. Jack cupped her face and brought his lips to hers, and Abby let him kiss away her sadness. And, as their kisses deepened, ignoring the fact that the curtains were open, or that Raffle was sleeping loyally at their feet, all Abby could think about was standing next to him in front of Swallowtail House as the sun dipped and the windows flamed, and how much everything had changed.

Abby stayed with Jack, returning to his bedroom, glancing at her phone screen but not replying to the persistent messages from Rosa and Octavia, one from Tessa inviting her over tomorrow. Jack, too, focused solely on her, even when Leo’s name flashed up on his iPhone.

‘I’ll listen to his message later,’ he murmured, pulling the duvet over them both.

She tried not to think about the photos, and that if Eddie was as intent on hurting Jack as he seemed to be, then the pictures would most likely be online already. She tried not to think about anything but being with Jack.

When the sun began to set, he slipped from the bed, fed Raffle some cold beef, made cheese on toast and cups of tea, and brought them back upstairs.

Abby settled into the crook of his arm as they ate, watching the sky darken.

‘London’s not that far from Suffolk,’ she said into the quiet. ‘I could visit you.’

Jack kissed the top of her head. ‘The press might follow the story, see if they can get any more on what Eddie’s fed them. I don’t want to risk you being implicated any more than you already are.’

Abby nodded, trying not to feel it as a rejection.

‘And Leo will want me to concentrate on the book, the publicity.’ He sighed and put his empty plate on the bedside table. ‘I don’t want you to stay away Abby, but I need to protect you from some of this. If it gets difficult again, if I—’

‘Who will stop you from drowning your sorrows in a bottle of whisky?’

‘I promise that if I even think about it, I’ll go and get some chips instead, OK?’

Abby laughed, the sound breaking through the quiet. ‘OK. You have to keep that promise, though, or I’ll worry.’

He slunk down the pillows, pulling her to him. ‘I’ll be all right.’

‘You will?’

He hesitated. ‘The thought of you here, striding through the reserve, sitting in the forest hide watching those ridiculous bullfinches will keep me going.’

She nodded, wondering how she was going to go back to her job, to be bright and bubbly and full of the joys of summer when Jack was living his life without her, back in London.

They slept, they talked, they held each other, and then, long after the birds had woken and the new day had begun, a loud knock on the door dragged them from sleep, and Jack crawled out of bed, pulled on jeans and the scruffy red T-shirt, and went to let Leo in.