Читать книгу Solstices - Crisalis . - Страница 4

The next morning, Charlotte awoke restless, worn out and unhappy. She questioned her whole life, herself and had serious doubts that she had done anything useful with the time given to her. Shouldn’t she do a whole lot more good deeds in her life? Shouldn’t she share the riches she experienced with other people?

Although she was on leave she got up early to escape her inner restlessness. She fed Cleo, who had adjusted to her new surroundings quickly. She went out onto the balcony, sat down and looked down into the valley. There was a light fog in the air and it wasn’t very warm. Autumn had arrived. Cleo walked up to her and with a tiny mewing jumped into her lap and snuggled close. Charlotte wrapped her scarf around herself, put a cloth in autumnal colours on the table and spread out the tarot cards.

What did she need in her life? What was important? What was holding her back? The answer in the cards was very clear. Eight of earth – inner structure, six of air – clarity, seven of earth – loss of energy. She sighed. For her inner structure she would need a lot of self-discipline and that would probably lead to clarity. She felt indignation at the cards; she really did not want to accept their statement. She composed herself for meditation and closed her eyes.

Once she started to relax, she felt the void inside that was filled with grey, restless emptiness, full of dissatisfaction, doubts and feelings of guilt. Her thoughts kept drifting off, circling around small events, unfinished tasks, inabilities, guilt. Again and again she tried to direct her attention gently back to her breath. For a short time she once more experienced inner calm, but it was immediately displaced by an anxious, grey, disquieting restlessness. When her meditation timer went off, Charlotte stretched, sighing. What was she going to do with her precious day off? In this bad mood? Today was Thanksgiving, the autumnal equinox, the beginning of autumn. Her female friends were all somewhere else; she hadn’t made a lot of effort lately to make contact with women, ones with whom she would be able to share her spirituality and celebrate the annual cycle of rituals. That would have to change.

As it was the equinox and she had drawn two earth cards at once, it was probably best to go out into nature. Perhaps she would be able to feel the goddess again outside.

Before she went on her walk she went to the stable and visited her old gelding Voyou. He greeted her with mild disinterest. The horses were outside in the paddock and when she came out, Voyou was very clear in making her understand that she shouldn’t even think of taking him on a ride. Charlotte scratched his belly, brushed him a bit and massaged his back. When she left the stables, she noticed that the contact with the horses had helped her; some of her trust in her power was back. It was a mild autumn day, but it was still very cloudy. You had to guess about the existence of the sun rather than actually seeing it, but it was still nice and warm.

When Charlotte laced up her walking boots and marched off, she noticed that she was beginning to relax. What was today about? To give thanks for the harvest, for everything present in her life in abundance… While the leaves under her feet rustled, Charlotte tried to focus on remembering those things she wanted to give thanks for. She was fit and healthy. She had a well-paid and interesting job. She had male and female friends (who she had been neglecting in the last few months). She had to admit to having a perfect life, if only she could stop letting her feelings of guilt keep her from enjoying it. Of course, it was a worthwhile aim to encourage the good in her, to allow her empathy, help for others and generosity to grow and prosper in her life. But today being Thanksgiving meant it wasn’t so much about growth, but about finding out what she could to be thankful for.

Walking through the autumnal surroundings, she looked for symbols for all the wonderful things in her life. She had enough money for clothes, trips and travelling, even for keeping a horse. She climbed the steep path to the small chapel – she could enjoy the view over the valley, the meandering river, the small banks of pebbles and sand, the willows and alders from up here. She found thyme, absinth, oregano and golden rod, nice symbols for the healing in her life. She was thankful for being able to feel again.

The first feeling she had been aware of when, a few years ago, she had had the courage to feel her way towards the hollow emptiness inside her, had been a profound mourning and sadness – sadness for her lost childhood and youth. But combined with this profound sadness there was also the first joyful feeling – joy for being able to feel again, joy that her abdomen was managing to feel warmth again. Her heart and belly were no longer simply dead and cold, as if they were non-existent. After that had come the pain. Sometimes it was sharp and slicing, sometimes it was dull, holding her down but always, in a certain way, cleansing.

She felt hot after the climb, sweat trickled down her back, and for a while she strolled along the elevated path. She found some dog-rose berries – bright red fruits which reminded her of the rich variety in her life, and of the sun even if it was currently hidden behind some clouds. A last remaining rose blossom bent towards her and she thankfully picked it, a sweet-smelling symbol of the beauty in her life. She was happy about the treasures she had found, and noticed a feeling of relief. She seemed to be regaining the ability to enjoy life.

She jogged the short distance to the river and found herself at the edge of a small deep basin bordered by a welcoming sandy beach. Following a sudden impulse, she took off her clothes, folded them, put them on a rock and lowered herself into the river. The water was cold as ice, having flowed down from the mountains. The cold took her breath away and she fought for air as she quickly scrambled out. She stood on the beach laughing, and then went in a second time, this time more slowly. This time her body was already prepared for the cold. She held onto a rock in the water and let the current flow around and play with her body. She asked the goddess to cleanse her with the running water, to wash out all restlessness, discontent and guilt and take it with her into the depths of the sea. Again, the intense cold forced her out of the water after a few minutes.

For a moment she stood naked on the small beach and enjoyed the warm breath of autumn on her naked body and the prickling of her skin. She sent a small prayer of thanks. She felt rested and peaceful. She rubbed herself dry with her T-shirt, slipped back into her clothes, picked up her treasures and started her walk home. Lost in thought, she walked slowly, strolling through the peaceful autumn day with its soft light and the stillness of September. A few leaves rustled beneath her feet. Here, a field scabious nodded in her direction; to her left, a yarrow beckoned and a tansy glowed.

When Charlotte got home, she arranged the flowers and fruits on her altar and once more sat down to meditate. This time she felt deeply thankful. Her reality seemed to be a different one now – it had changed as quickly and as profoundly as the clouds scudding along the autumn skies outside.

While she was in the kitchen preparing supper, her mobile phone suddenly rang. She took the call but there was silence at the other end.

'Hello?' she asked, 'Who’s speaking?'

In contrast to her usual impatience, when the person at the other end didn’t answer, she didn’t slam down the phone at once. Intuitively she sensed that the caller needed her help. She was silent for a few seconds, and then she asked gently,

'Can I help you in some way?’

She was becoming aware of how stilted and stiff she sounded and decided to end the call. But suddenly there was a deep, very self-assured sounding female voice,

'Perhaps. At least, my husband seems to believe so.'

It took Charlotte some time to realise that the woman had answered her previous question. 'Okay, and how can I help you?'

'Well, you met my husband on the train yesterday. And…', the firm voice faltered and hesitated, obviously the speaker didn’t know how to continue.

Charlotte tried to help her. 'Ah, would you like to schedule a date for laying-on of hands?'

There was an audible gasp. 'Laying-on of hands? Ah… well, yes..., perhaps that is what I need.'

'All right', answered Charlotte, 'please give me your name and address and then we can arrange a date.'

'Christiane Löwensiek, Bergstrasse.' Charlotte knew where Bergstrasse was. It wasn’t far from her flat, near the Merianpark. Suddenly the voice became very hesitant, almost begging. 'Would it be possible for you to come tonight? I know, it’s quite a lot to ask, but…' – this woman plainly wasn’t used to ask for help, and it cost her – 'otherwise I don’t know how…'

Charlotte gulped; things had changed quickly from thanking to giving. But she promised to be there at eight o’clock. It was just after six now, so she would be able to cook herself supper and still get there round about eight.

As she put down the phone, Cleo sat in front of her and looked at her inquisitively. 'Well, Cleo,' Charlotte bent down and scratched the cat’s neck, 'I don’t know what’s going to come of it, but I can at least try'. Cleo purred contentedly, then made a beeline for her food bowl and showed Charlotte that there were more important things to life than phone calls. Charlotte chuckled: 'All right, first of all you get your dinner. After that I’ll set about making my own.'

Some two hours later Charlotte was walking towards a large, villa-like house. The garden bordered on the park and was slightly overgrown. A dog barked somewhere, but was nowhere to be seen. When Charlotte rang the bell, the heavy wooden door was opened almost immediately. Someone had evidently been watching out for her arrival.

The two women silently took each other in. Charlotte was looking at a tall, slim woman. Curly brown hair framed a very cared-for and unobtrusively made-up face. The comfortable, expensive clothing and a whiff of an expensive, dry perfume gave the woman an air of self-confidence and elegance. However her eyes, which hesitated to meet Charlotte’s, had a slightly flickering gaze and didn’t give anything away. Charlotte almost felt as if she was looking at a wall rather than into the eyes of a woman.

In contrast, Christiane was looking at a tall, strong but slim woman. She was surprised that she had to look up to Charlotte. Young, lively eyes and a face that – apart from small wrinkles around the eyes – was almost totally smooth, stood in contrast to the short-clipped hair which was laced with grey. Charlotte was wearing leisurely, comfortable clothes and only their warm, orange-red colour came anywhere near the image that Christiane had of a healer.

'May I come in?'

'Oh sorry, yes, do come in, please.' Christiane stepped back to let Charlotte pass. She led Charlotte up a high staircase. Charlotte followed Christiane into a spacious and bright living room decorated in Scandinavian style. The big arched windows looked out onto the garden, with the park in the background. Charlotte had the impression of being surrounded by green. 'Beautiful!' she exclaimed.

Christiane nodded. 'Would you like a cup of tea or coffee?'

'If I could have a cup of green tea?'

While Christiane disappeared to prepare the tea, Charlotte stood in front of the window and tried to concentrate on her inner centre. She felt unsure of herself in these strange surroundings. Her old, well-known doubts rose up. What in God’s name did she think she was doing here? Did she seriously think that she could help this woman by laying on hands? This woman who was apparently completely uprooted. With determination, Charlotte pushed back the doubts. 'Doubts are the most serious obstacle on your way,' the voice of her Buddhist teacher suddenly seemed to speak to her. 'Every other obstacle has to be examined carefully, but self-questioning has to be extinguished at once.' She smiled when she remembered how she had tried to distinguish between the self-assessing questioning of her actions and the doubts she had of her abilities. 'Doubts are destructive, they make you unsure and afraid, they paralyse you, whereas self-critical questioning is combined with interest, excitement and the wish and desire to learn something new.'

Charlotte gulped. This feeling of insecurity in her stomach and the sudden lack of energy were doubts for sure. She fixed her gaze on the large oak outside in the park, focusing on the branches and the wide, spacious crown of the tree. Her eyes followed the smaller branches and twigs and spied the darkening evening sky between the leaves. Now Charlotte asked for calmness and energy, and allowed this energy to flow through her eyes and her body, down to her feet.

As the soles of her feet warmed, she felt a slight touch on her leg. She looked down to see a large Doberman bitch standing beside her, her dark eyes seeming to ask a silent question as she looked up at her. Charlotte put her hand gently to the bitch’s neck and carefully began to scratch her behind the ears. When she turned her gaze back to the old oak tree, the dog leaned against her, barely touching her. They stood like that for some time, until suddenly the dog tensed.

Charlotte dragged her eyes away from the oak and slowly turned round. Christiane stood in the doorframe, watching the dog with a mixture of astonishment and surprise. 'What a good guard dog!' she growled, with contempt in her voice. The dog cowered and slunk away, tail between legs.

'Why do you say that, in that tone?' Charlotte asked. 'You let me into the house. Why shouldn’t the dog be friendly with me?'

Christiane went to the low table and served the tea. She shrugged her shoulders. Suddenly Charlotte got it. Christiane was lonely – and jealous because the dog had leaned against Charlotte but didn’t do that to her owner. At the same time Christiane seemed to be watching her with a lot of curiosity. In her eyes, Charlotte could see traces of aggression, which now covered the insecurity and animated their previously lifeless expression.

Her voice sounded harsh as she said, 'First you seem to have bewitched my husband, and now my dog as well. Is it my turn now?'

Charlotte could still feel the power of the oak inside her as she answered calmly, 'I don’t bewitch anyone. I can leave any time you want.'

Christiane pursed her lips in disdain. 'Is that supposed to be a threat?'

Charlotte simply shrugged her shoulders, got up and went to the door. 'I’m sorry that you made tea for nothing.' She gave a small smile and left the room. In the entrance hall, the dog was waiting for her. She stopped for a moment and scratched the bitch’s ears. She wagged her tail in thanks and watched silently as Charlotte opened the front door, closed it softly behind her and walked to the gate, where she unlocked her bike.

At that moment the door flew open and Christiane came running out, breathless. 'Listen, I’m sorry, really, very sorry. I was way out of line. Please…'

Charlotte hesitated. What a spoiled cow! Who did this woman think she was?

'Please,' Christiane was almost whispering now. 'My heart is unbearably cold.' Her eyes swam with tears. 'I don’t know why I act like that.'

Sighing heavily, Charlotte once again locked her bike and together they went back into the house. For a while they drank their tea in silence. After some time, Christiane softly and hesitantly asked, 'What will happen now?'

Charlotte looked around the room before answering. 'For a start we could light one or two candles.' Christiane found some matches and lit the candles that seemed to have been standing there unused for a long time. They had obviously been for decoration only and had never been lit.

Charlotte brought an incense stick out of her bag, but Christiane frowned and said,

'Oh, don’t use that, please. This artificial stuff always gives me a migraine attack.'

Charlotte placed the incense stick in the candle holder near the candle and nodded.

'I’ll just leave it here, maybe you’ll feel like lighting it later on.'

Charlotte scanned the room. 'It would be best if you were to lie down on the chaise-longue over there and close your eyes.'

Instantly Christiane seemed to stiffen and Charlotte noticed that the idea of lying down and closing her eyes in the presence of a stranger seemed to frighten the other woman considerably.

'You don’t have to close your eyes if you don’t want to. Just look at something that will help you to relax, for example that large oak tree outside in the park.'

Christiane nodded her consent and Charlotte took the antique piano stool over to the chaise-longue. She sat down beside Christiane where she could comfortably touch her.

Christiane became increasingly nervous.

'Nothing bad will happen to you,' Charlotte said soothingly. 'If you can’t bear the touch of my hands, please tell me at once. If anything feels wrong or bothers you, just lift your hand and I’ll stop immediately.'

Christiane once again silently nodded her consent.

Charlotte now tried to let go of all tension and closed her eyes for a few minutes. 'Calm, calm, calm,' she thought with every breath she took. She noticed that Christiane’s anxiety and tension had infected her. In her thoughts she asked the goddess for help. Softly she murmured the mantra of the goddess. When she was calm inside and felt her feet connecting with the earth beneath her, she put her hands on Christiane’s solar plexus.

At first it was a shock to feel nothing but cold emptiness. She waited for the warmth that usually rose through her hands when she laid on hands, but nothing happened. After a while, she felt a soft, hesitant tingling. It could hardly be called warmth, but at least there was a slight reaction. She visualised warmth, love and sympathy as an orange-red ball in Christiane’s solar plexus. She managed to some extent, but it didn’t stay stable and it didn’t really shine. It seemed more of a promise, like the red morning sky at the horizon on a cloudy day.

When she was sure that she wasn't going to get a better result, Charlotte placed her hands around Christiane’s head, moulding them like a shell but avoiding actually touching her hair or her head. She visualised Christiane’s crown chakra to open, letting love, power, wisdom and sympathy stream in from the universe. She imagined it to enter Christiane’s body, flowing through it, enclosing her heart, loosening the cold, empty feeling in her belly into a warm, tickling, comfortable sensation, then continue to flow through her hips and her knees to her feet and so out again.

At first nothing happened but Charlotte refused to give in. Again and again she asked the goddess for help. For a moment, her own heart suddenly felt cold and Charlotte became afraid and considered abandoning the treatment.

Then she felt the dog at her back, her warm head pressed trustingly against her spine. Charlotte felt touched and very thankful. Her heart opened and instantly she could feel the energy starting to flow. Christiane sighed heavily, put her hands on her belly – but more astonished than afraid – then let her hands fall back as she settled back down again. She was a lot more relaxed now. It seemed as if she now felt free to accept the treatment. She still had her eyes open, but now they seemed to be looking at something in the distance instead of trying to find something to hold onto within the room.

Charlotte noticed that her hands seemed to move by themselves. Starting at Christiane’s head chakra, they moved to her throat chakra, heart, solar plexus, to her cold hands, back to her stomach, the cramped tendons in her hips, to her tensed thighs, her cold knees and the weak calves and finally to her feet. Charlotte then returned once again to the solar plexus, which now pulsed steadily and warmly, before she finished the treatment. That was it.

Charlotte walked over to the open fireplace in the corner and put her hands on the cold stone floor. She gave thanks to the goddess and asked the earth to absorb all foreign energy, everything that didn’t belong to herself. She concentrated on letting all the foreign energy flow into the floor. When she got up she looked at the clock on the wall and saw that she had been here almost two hours. Involuntarily, she sighed deeply. She felt thankful. Something had changed and there was a bit more love, sympathy and warmth in the world.

Then Christiane slowly sat up. Charlotte once again took her place on the stool next to her, put her hand gently on her shoulder and said, 'Just keep resting for a while longer.'

Christiane lay down again. 'What do I owe you?'

'Nothing,' answered Charlotte. 'I have a well-paid job at the moment, so I don’t need money. Healing, in my opinion, means passing on divine energy that was given to me. It goes against the grain to take money for something that I was given for free.'

Christiane looked at her in doubt and disbelief.

'It’s true,' she repeated. 'If I didn’t have any income, it would be a different kettle of fish altogether.'

'But I can’t accept it for free, just like that,' argued Christiane.

'Well, if you can’t then you could decide to use two hours, the amount of time I spent with you, to do some good deed, something that will bring healing and love into the world.'

'But how am I supposed to do that? What should I do? I can’t do anything like that.'

'Hmm. You could start by being tender and loving to your dog for two hours.'

Christiane frowned angrily. 'I really mean that,' Charlotte urged. 'It’s about opening your heart. You’ll feel a lot better if you do that and you’ll learn what you have to do to reach be healed. And your dog will feel a lot better, too.'

As if she wanted to prove Charlotte right, the Doberman now crossed over to them, sat down near Christiane and lightly touched her knee with her nose. She didn’t lean against Christiane, as she had done with Charlotte; it was more like a tentative question.

Christiane’s face smoothed out and she suddenly had tears in her eyes. 'Anona…', she whispered, and to Charlotte she said, 'She’s never done that before.' For a moment something like happiness shimmered in Christiane’s eyes and the dog swallowed. Woman and dog kept completely still.

But the moment passed. Christiane’s body jerked, her mouth turned down and her face became hard again. Quickly, Anona got up and fled to the corner of the room. Christiane snorted.

'Well, she can’t stand my presence very long, can she?'

'Practise,' Charlotte said softly. 'Practise opening you heart and Anona will not only put up with you, she'll come to love you.'

Christiane looked up at the word 'love'. Her eyes had such a searching and clueless expression, as if Christiane wasn’t familiar with the meaning of the word. She seemed confused and astonished and was searching for answers in Charlotte’s eyes.

Charlotte smiled and got up. 'I’ll go now. Just stay where you are, I’ll find my own way out.' She looked back before she left the room, to see Christiane sitting motionless on the chaise-longue, gazing at the old oak in the park, lost in thought. Anona was standing off to one side and seemed to be looking back and forth between Christiane and Charlotte, with a silent question in her eyes.