Читать книгу Remember Me - D. E. White - Страница 14

When Ava walked into the pub later that evening, she stopped conversations and drew stares. The chatter resumed almost immediately, but she could feel many eyes upon her. It was like being the new kid at school, but far worse. Ellen was everywhere – laughing at the bar, downing shots at that corner table, sneaking out to the toilets with a bag of pills… Everything and nothing had changed. She was an hour late, missing out on Penny’s invitation to chat before the others arrived.

‘What are you drinking, love?’ Rhodri was beaming from a large table set for eight. He was sitting next to her ex-husband, who stared down into his pint, ignoring her. His square face was set and sullen, a good-looking playground bully who had never grown up. Penny, her blonde hair a shimmer of silk tonight, was on his right, and Leo was draped casually over the bench seat on the other side of the table, glass in hand.

‘Hi, Ava. You’re really late. Is everything okay?’ Penny seemed genuinely concerned, but Leo had that annoying smirk that said he was up to mischief.

‘I said to Pen just now, that you’d probably be late. Some things never change, do they?’

Rhodri laughed, and even Paul cracked a smile. They watched her like a pack of wolves, bound by their secrets, scenting that she might cause trouble. She was back to being the outsider from America, a face that didn’t fit.

‘I’m fine, thanks. Just had to answer a few emails from home. I share an apartment with some friends, and they wanted to catch up.’ She spoke without thinking, but noticed something change in their faces. Was it relief? Hell, what were they expecting her to do?

‘Must be hard not having your own place,’ Leo said. ‘Sounds a bit like student accommodation. I hated sharing when I was at uni.’

Fuck, it really was like a school reunion. Bubbles of hysteria rose in her throat, and she took a quick breath, trying to control the slamming of her heart. ‘I’ll get a round. What does everyone want?’ Ava said, crossing the sticky carpet, and slamming her money on the bar with unnecessary force. Could it get any worse? She decided it probably could. After all, Stephen was missing, and if they were going for a full reunion, Huw and Jesse should have been present too. Except Jesse was out of it now – released from whatever torment he had been going through. And surely he must have struggled, as she had, with the memories.

She ordered the drinks and waited whilst the sour-faced bloke behind the bar made a big show of loading up the tray. Jesse had been a nice kid, obsessed with his football and his movies. Why would he rock the boat? He’d been right there at the scene of the crime, hunkered down there in the woods, black hood pulled down over his thin face. Rhodri had been right next to him when they started the game, the firelight making ghostly patterns on the ground as he offered round the grubby cloth bag. He had been as obsessed as anyone with their game. ‘True Lies’ was an extension of the old favourite, ‘Spin the Bottle’, and they had pushed it to the limit. That night, it had been Ellen’s name picked out of the scrunched pile of paper slips in the bag.

Then Leo’s as ‘The Liar’, and finally Ava, who had to discern the truth to save her friend from paying a forfeit. It had been her fault. Whatever she told herself, it had been her choice, her answer that made Ellen do that dare. She could still hear Leo’s mocking voice, even after all these years…

* * *

‘You’re wrong, Ava. Now you know what has to happen.’

She felt his breath hot on her cheek, fingers on her chin, turning her face towards him, and his lips on hers for a brief, hard kiss. Just for a second she tried to pull away, but the grip tightened painfully.

‘Leo, I don’t want any more tonight.’

A girl’s voice floated down through the oak wood, calling her name, and Ava struggled again.

‘She’s coming now, Ava, and just remember, this is your fault. “True Lies” is for real.’ Huw was leaning over her too, his face livid and twisted in the flames, voice thickening with excitement.

‘Ellen, down here! We’re by the picnic tables… Ellen…’ Ava’s own voice was shaky, and someone pinched her arm hard. Her brain was fuddled by the drugs, and she knew something bad was going to happen. The blackness was coming in waves now. It was a familiar feeling. Desperately, she dragged at Leo’s arm, but he pushed her down onto the mud and the leaves. He was gentle now, hands lingering on her body. Her eyes were still open, and she strained to see, to speak again…

Ellen appeared now, picking her way carefully along the grassy path. She raised one arm, grabbing a low branch to help her up the slope. Her long hair was caught up in a high ponytail, and one wrist was covered with multi-coloured layers of plaited friendship bracelets, ‘Sorry I’m late… Oh, did you start without me? Shit, that’s half the vodka gone already, you greedy pigs.’

Ava raised herself on one elbow. ‘Ellen, I’m sorry—’

Before she could say anything else, the chemicals pumping around her bloodstream overwhelmed her, Ava closed her eyes, rolling heavily onto the leaf-strewn ground.

* * *

Ava slid onto the bench seat, trying to stay in the present, smiling at Penny, carefully avoiding Leo’s arrogant blue stare.

‘Isn’t it lovely to have Ava back for a while?’ Penny raised her glass in a determined toast. ‘It’s going to be so lovely catching up on all your news, Ava.’

Rhodri was already merry, and he lifted his own glass, his hand shaking slightly. ‘Iechyd da!’ There was sheen of sweat on his pale face, and his eyes glittered.

It was farcical, but nobody argued with Penny, who chattered on, beaming at them all, turning the whole evening into a charming social gathering. She had always had cheerleader tendencies, Ava remembered. Blonde ponytail swinging, she was the first to stick her hand up in class. She even turned up every Saturday to cheer on the local football team.

Her Uncle Alf was the coach, so at least she got to sit in the car when the weather was bad. Ava and Ellen had waged a term-long campaign until the coach grudgingly accepted the two girls could actually play better than some of the boys, and let them come to matches as part of his ‘B’ team.

Leo was still watching Ava, studying her face with an intensity that made her shiver. Whatever they had done, whatever they had meant to each other, it was dead and finished. She would make sure it stayed that way. Her finger flicked across her phone screen, and she glanced down, quickly tapping out a reply to her on-off boyfriend, Joe, reassuring him she was fine. Joe, like the others before him, was fun, and their relationship was only picked up when they both had time. They surfed, drank and had great sex but that was it. There was no deeper connection. He was an out-of-work actor from Chicago, hoping for his big break, attending auditions with thousands of other hopefuls, and coming away each time a little more broken, but very little wiser. Everyone had a dream, but when were you supposed to stop chasing rainbows? In LA you could be searching for your whole life, and still wind up under the pier in Santa Monica.

‘So your boss didn’t mind you taking time off work then, Ava?’ Paul eventually entered the conversation, grudgingly, and heavily prompted by his wife.

Ava saw how his big, scrubbed hand was marked with the scars of cannulas, veins raised like worms, as he put his pint glass back down on the table, and how his rugged, handsome face was set, jaw rigid. He had never hit her, but abuse wasn’t always physical – she knew that to her cost. She felt something then, a sudden rush of pity that she knew he wouldn’t want. ‘No. He’s a good boss.’ All the questions she wanted to ask about Paul’s treatment, his death, would have to wait. A crowded pub was not the place to discuss something so personal.

‘Are you working on any big cases at the moment?’ Rhodri asked.

Ava shook her head and took a long drink. ‘Just tying up a few bits and pieces. I couldn’t tell you anything even if I was, unfortunately.’

‘Shame. I love those true crime documentaries on TV. I’m pretty good at guessing who’s guilty.’ Rhodri was smiling at her now, scratching his red curls thoughtfully.

‘Really? Actually I like baking programmes. I’ve seen Penny’s website. It looks amazing!’ Ava injected just the right amount of enthusiasm into her voice, neatly swinging the subject back to them. She was genuinely impressed with her old friend’s business acumen, so it wasn’t hard. The pub doors banged and Ava jumped nervously, looking quickly over her shoulder for her son.

‘She has done well. She’s even won some awards!’ Paul was smiling fondly at his wife, and Ava was pleased to see the genuine affection between them. ‘Although she won’t mind me sharing that it was me that taught her how to use her computer properly. I even built her website for her.’

Penny was laughing, sat right in the middle of the boys, her cheeks flushed pink with all the praise. ‘It isn’t just Welsh cakes, it’s Welsh honey, and vegetable boxes, and the meat. Not to mention the craft items. Online is the way to go nowadays. Mrs Birtley still keeps asking when I’m going to stop messing around on my computer and open a proper shop in the village. It’s weird, because I’ve got Miss Addley from number seventeen as a supplier for those gorgeous hand-knitted quilts, and she’s been selling them on Etsy for ages, yet Mrs B, who must be ten years younger, can’t even switch a computer on!’

There was laughter, real laughter, for the first time. The tension dropped a notch, and the smiles were more than just bared teeth and stiff lips.

‘Stephen should be over soon,’ Penny said, glancing at her watch, and then quickly at Leo and Paul. ‘He and Bethan were just finishing their packing.’

‘Packing?’ Ava queried.

‘Shall we tell her now?’ Leo asked, without moving his gaze from Ava’s face.

‘Yes, come on. Penny wouldn’t tell me the big news earlier, and I’ve been waiting in anticipation ever since.’ Fuck, that sounded sarcastic, and she caught Paul’s glare. She fidgeted with her phone again, trying to push down the instinctive reaction at the mention of her son’s name – the unwelcome burst of agitation that set fiery bugs crawling in her stomach, and made her throat tight. It couldn’t be worse than last night.

Rhodri leaned forward now. He smelled of beer and stale sweat, his red hair was matted, and his eyes were still too bright. ‘Stephen and Bethan are taking part in Leo’s show.’

‘In Tough Love?’ She wasn’t sure what to think. It certainly wasn’t the dramatic reveal she had been expecting. ‘Why would they want to do that?’

Leo was grinning lazily at her. ‘I think Bethan wants to be famous, and Stephen likes a challenge.’

‘Don’t you think it’s exciting?’ Penny asked, leaning forward eagerly. ‘It’s such an opportunity for both of them. After all, Leo started out as a reality show contestant, didn’t you, lovely?’

‘True. Made in Wales. It makes me cringe now. All I had to do was play to the game and pull the girls. It wasn’t hard.’ He grinned as his friends booed. ‘Seriously, it is a great chance to make things happen, and they’re both smart kids. Good-looking too. We only ever have good-looking people on the show.’

‘You don’t. That girl, Frannie, in your last series was an ugly cow!’ Paul told him, smiling.

‘Okay, we mostly have good-looking people. She worked well because she argued with everyone on the whole show. But generally beautiful people work best on camera! But if you work it the right way, it can be a stepping stone to other things. I reckon Stephen and Bethan are smart enough to have worked that out. They won’t get on with the fame-hungry mob I’ve got lined up, but it will make great TV.’ Leo slid his phone out of his pocket. ‘Sorry, got to take this call.’

As Leo headed off outside, Ava sipped her drink, and tried to absorb the new information. Did it really matter? Not really. It just meant that her childhood friends were all still bound together, all doing each other favours, tied by their past, but seemingly unaffected by what had happened. Rhodri, of course seemed set on the most destructive path, but he might have done that anyway. And Jesse?

‘Come on, we need to eat. Ava, what are you having?’ Penny pushed the menu over, and pointed out a few dishes. ‘The curry is great… or the lamb, or fish and chips?’

The drink was blurring the edges of her anxiety. ‘Yeah. Curry would be fine, thanks. Shall I get some more drinks in?’

They nodded, and Leo grinned over his pint glass, ‘You can still pack them away, Ava. We’ll all have hangovers tomorrow morning at this rate.’

She smiled sweetly at him. ‘Shall I get you a Coke instead? With a stripy straw in?’ It slipped out before she could stop herself. An old shared joke, from a time when she loved to tease him. She bit her lip, furious at her mistake.

‘Of course.’ Amusement made his eyes gleam, and the white teeth showed under the curve of his full upper lip. Yes, still a good-looking bastard. And she wasn’t going to let him get to her.

Coming back with another full tray, she found Stephen and Bethan wedged uncomfortably at her end of the table. Her son scowled at her when she congratulated them on their selection for Tough Love, but Bethan beamed. She was wearing a tight black wool top, and ripped jeans. Her hair cascaded wildly across her pale little face.

‘I’m so excited. I can’t wait to start. Dad is more excited than I am. He keeps trying to give me advice on how to get across the hills faster, and where to land after the zip line. I mean, there is only one place to land isn’t there? Right in Big Water!’

‘Is Huw happy you’re doing the show then?’ Ava was surprised. She had no say as a parent of course, but surely Huw must have some reservations about his daughter going on such an outrageous show. Although it was billed as a test of survival, a love story set in the Welsh hills, and various other tenuous claims, contestants were always fame hungry, and happy to get viewers’ votes in any way they could.

‘Oh yes! He’s always been really supportive of my career. He drives me to modelling auditions and all that. He wants me to be famous like Leo. I will do it too…’ Her face was bright with promise, and watching her, even Stephen’s expression had lightened as she spoke.

Ava couldn’t think of anything to say to this – being famous sounded like hell to her. She smiled tightly and took another slug of her drink. Who would want strangers watching every move you took, obsessing about what you ate, and who you were sleeping with? Plus, when you screwed up, it was front page news. The spirits burned her throat on the way down and she choked a bit. Rhodri reached over and thumped her back. ‘Cough it up, love, and then have some more.’

Ava turned awkwardly to her son. ‘What are you thinking of doing after the show? Are you thinking of uni?’ It was so hard to be natural and unemotional around him, when all she wanted to do was stare, to drink him in, to know every last thing about his life. She fought to keep her expression neutral, her voice cool.

Stephen met her eyes with an indifference that matched his mother’s and gave a barely civil shrug, ‘Maybe. I haven’t decided. Kai’s going travelling. I might go too…’

‘You said you wanted to do media studies at Cardiff, didn’t you?’ Bethan said, grey-green eyes wide, her little mouth pursed.

He glared at her, and Ava searched for another subject. Her son was sitting so close she could have reached out and touched him. All the things she had wanted to say had skittered away, leaving her mind as empty and blank as a fresh sheet of paper.

‘Isn’t it fantastic? Let’s have a toast to Stephen and Bethan’s success in Tough Love.’ Penny raised her glass again, and the others muttered and raised their own.

‘I’m really sorry about Jesse,’ Ava said to the group as the food arrived, steaming hot on rough white dishes. ‘When Pen told me earlier, I was so shocked. I had no idea.’ It was a tester, or some stray thread of instinct that made her speak, and the reaction was… interesting, Ava thought, forking up the tiniest bit of fragrant curry. There was enough on her plate to feed the whole table.

The pause in clattering cutlery and clinking glasses was sharp and shocked.

‘It was such a horrible thing to happen, but he always did go too fast,’ Penny sighed sadly. ‘Kai and Kelly have made the best of it, though, and they’ve still got the house at least. The council tried to throw them out, the bastards, but they won the appeal. The local papers got involved and everything.’ She was neatly unwrapping her paper napkin, and smiling at the young lad who dumped her plate of food on the table.

‘I don’t think you saw Kai as a baby did you, Ava? I forget what happened before you left and what was afterwards sometimes. It was so long ago,’ Paul muttered without making eye contact.

There was a moment of silence as everyone around the table registered the barb. Stephen was watching his mother with narrowed eyes, waiting for her response. Ava opened her mouth but was saved by an apparently oblivious Leo.

‘He was a good rider, and he knew that road like his own garden. The police reckoned it was his error at first, and they said that maybe some animal ran across the road and he swerved to avoid it. Later, they said it was a diesel spill that made him lose control.’ Leo was digging into a vast forkful of flaky fish and mushy peas.

‘No room for error on that corner,’ Rhodri added, watching Ava as she picked at her chicken madras. ‘Not hungry, love?’

‘No, I mean, I am. I was just thinking about Jesse.’

‘Well, don’t,’ Penny told her. ‘It was a while ago now, and accidents do happen, don’t they?’

The atmosphere was electric suddenly, and even Bethan narrowed her eyes at the adults, clearly picking up the tensions.

‘Yes,’ Ava agreed. ‘They do. Excuse me for a moment. Are the toilets still in the same place?’

‘Straight past the bar and down to your right. There’s a new block too. Pub’s gone up in the world,’ Leo told her with a grin.

She locked herself in a cubicle and pressed her hot forehead to the coldness of the stone wall. After a long while the nausea and dizziness passed, and she was able to breathe properly again. The toilet block smelled of piss and disinfectant, and the floor was wet and sticky beneath her boots. But it was preferable to sitting with her old friends, her ex-husband, her son…

It was like being locked in a tiny box with her worst nightmares. How could they all be so blasé about Ellen? Talk about the cliché of the elephant in the room – Ellen’s presence was more like a fucking great mammoth. Her name wasn’t mentioned, of course, but even Penny crassly saying how nice it was to get everyone back together, just showed how far they seemed to have come. Of course, it was such a long time ago they probably thought they were safe.

Word would have got around that Ellen’s parents were going to move, and what about the PI? Nobody had mentioned him yet, but she was certain they knew, were waiting for her to bring it up in conversation. Waiting, Ava thought bitterly, to see what she was going to do. They were a pack, and she was an outsider. Their faces were just too set, eyes too bright and the laughter forced and loud. In some ways they were right, everyone had to move on. But she couldn’t shake her own feeling of needing to clear her conscience.

She took a deep breath, controlling the dizziness with an effort. Once the room had steadied she headed back out past the bar, pausing for a moment to observe the group. They were deep in conversation. Stephen was pointing his fork at his dad, laughing. He was a good-looking boy, and when he smiled, she could see a trace of her own features. Or was it just wishful thinking?

Ava shrugged the thought away and sat down.

‘Here you go, Paul just got you another drink.’ Penny pushed a glass towards Ava, and topped up her own from a bottle of wine that now stood on the table.

Still picking at her food, mindful of Leo’s body wedged close to hers on the bench seat, and her son glaring at her from across the table, Ava carried on drinking.