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Introduction

The greatest gift

God gave us the gift of life; it is up to us to give ourselves the gift of living well

- Voltaire

My heart sank upon hearing three words “You have cancer”. Every day in the UK, around one thousand people hear these frightening words, and I never envisaged that I would be one of them. Life as we know it can vanish in a heartbeat and the unthinkable can happen in a moment. My twin brother whose face I remember so vividly, drained of hope and with pleading tearful eyes had uttered “please pray for me”. It was like his spirit was stolen from an unseen injury. I cried a river for my beloved brother’s plight. Sadly, he died of advanced stomach cancer within the year given to him. It beggars belief that only after six months I could face the same predicament. The shock and disbelief were hard to bear, and the overwhelming numbness incapacitated my family. We were gripped into a spiral of recurring thoughts about cancer and its unpredictable outcome.

In my altered state, I assumed the worst which exploded my fears and emotions throwing me into the abyss. “Am I dying?” “Has it spread?” were the words that re-opened the wounds before they had time to heal. The effects of this uninvited growth within my body, would soon spread to my family, friends and my professional life. For almost three months I suffered deeply in silence from the uncertainty of the treatment plan, during which time I wish I could have found the necessary support from those who had undergone a similar experience. The most frightening aspect was not knowing whether the treatment would work and what would happen to me. Whilst the medical professionals have a reasonable idea about how many people will benefit from a particular type of treatment, they can never be certain how individuals will respond.

As an epidemiologist, I can say with certainty that the probability of dying is still one hundred percent. Until we have a close encounter with a life-threatening condition, we refuse to accept the possibility of our own demise. Paradoxically, many faiths teach us to accept life and death with equanimity to minimise our suffering. Therefore, our potential to be fully human and fully alive does not necessarily depend on the presence or absence of cancer. Receiving this unexpected news radically changed all my preconceptions of how my life should be.

Having spent many years researching various chronic diseases, it dawned on me that fear remains the most chronic disease of our generation and finding a cure for it becomes paramount. My doctoral work had examined new ways of diagnosing breast cancer so that treatment could be targeted for cancer specific tumour markers. Working with Professors Harold Baum, the singing biochemist and Professor Michael Baum, a specialist in breast cancer treatment, I learnt to apply intelligent determination. I observed patients coming through the clinic, many expressing powerful emotions, namely denial, anger and guilt, preparing for death, whilst those who transcended these, had somehow conquered their fear of death. Only when I became a patient, I understood that there is no good cancer or bad cancer, there is just cancer with a big C. However hard we try, it is almost impossible to escape the word, which is like a dark menacing and a devouring shadow. Standing at the crossroads of life and death, this perfect storm which came from nowhere demanded a shift in my thinking about mortality. It was not about a new lease of life but more about viewing life differently.

Memories from my past welled up intense emotions raising fundamental questions. How did I get here? My life until now had to be perfect without question where academic excellence was the expected norm. I have lived with fear of failure, sickness and death, but mostly the fear of being alone. The familiar faces of my family had faded over time into the “matchstick men” as portrayed in L.S. Lowry’s painting. Even though my family life was somewhat fragmented, I pursued relentlessly the exciting field of science and medicine. I knew there had to be more to this world and my place in it than my limited understanding would allow. The great and the good have asked the same questions - Who am I, why am I here and what is the purpose of my life? My path of self-enquiry to this point has favoured me with valuable insights, but now my past juxtaposed with a crushing diagnosis. This insolitus occurrence became the catalyst for me to reflect on my life trying to make sense of what was happening to me.

Seeking answers to life’s questions, I had embarked on a personal odyssey for so long to discover a meaning to my existence. Many pilgrimages took me to India, the mystical land of my forefathers, full of scholarly knowledge and culturally exotic. I had a numinous experience at various places of worship and in contemplative silence, I learnt the wisdom from the holy scriptures and their exposition from the revered sages, hoping to change the quality of my life and find contentment.

Over three decades ago, upon closing the last page of James Hilton’s book “The Lost Horizon”, my destiny took me to Prasanthi Nilayam (Abode of Supreme Peace) in Puttaparthi, a remote village in South India. There, I discovered my Shangri-La amidst an ocean of humanity - people from different faiths, traditions or no faith, all desperately seeking something known only to them. My first encounter with Sathya Sai Baba had a profound and a lasting effect on me. I experienced an unfamiliar serenity in which questions close to my heart emerged. The aesthetic touch of the Divine shrouded me in a vibrational field of radiant energy, which I now recognise as love in its purest form. The essence that exists in us, but often remains buried under layers of pain, suffering and turbulent relationships. The seeds of faith and self-enquiry had been planted and I knew I was on the right path of self-realisation. This was my Rosetta Stone moment helping me to decipher the code of my life. It symbolised a greater consciousness of strength and energy, where man and God become one.

My calling to Lourdes surrounded by blue mountains was another defining experience in my journey of self-discovery. Through eons of time, man has seen spectacular sunrises over the mighty rivers that flow with an ineffable power. As I stood by the Gave de Pau, the notion of time dissolved and I was in a unique place called ‘now’. Here, neither my past nor my future had any significance and this special moment was given to me for cleansing my soul.

Along my life’s journey, I had the privilege to work with eminent academics, scientists, doctors, spiritual thinkers and healing practitioners who helped me to interpret the complex tapestry of life. Now faced with a crisis, I was able to draw upon those valuable insights that became a bedrock upon which my life would unfold.

As a Reiki practitioner, I recall my first visit a few years ago to “Together against Cancer” (TAC) in Leicester, where I met many people at different stages of their cancer journey. I was amazed by their sense of what really mattered to them, their changed priorities and how much they embraced life, despite their daily struggle with their illness. During our sessions and conversations, I discovered that many had overcome their fear of dying and had learnt the art of living well. This was something beyond the usual regime of medical treatment. I was able to steer them into developing mindfulness, a positive mind-set and self- empowerment to aid healing and recovery. Their tenacity to try and overcome their hardships greatly inspired me and little did I anticipate that one day I would be walking the same path. Many people take the view that not talking about it or being in denial is their best method of coping with the crisis. Some people do cope better by not talking about cancer. However I learnt that this approach can also be damaging to such an extent that people are unable to make rational decisions about their treatment.

My scientific training had convinced me that there was nothing beyond statistics and analysis, but I soon learnt that research reports on probabilities, largely based on population data and individuals do not necessarily fit into these probabilities. For example, people who smoke are likely to get lung cancer, but not all lung cancer patients have been smokers. I had come across people who were given ‘a few months to live’ surprisingly outlive their given prognosis, whereas others with more encouraging prospects unexpectedly deteriorated. Science lends itself to analytical frameworks, but can these really encompass life, death, prognosis and recovery? Every cell in our body has an inborn intelligence to heal and our body can support this in every way. When this process is accepted in our consciousness, physical healing can take place. Each moment then marks a new beginning. We do not fully understand all the factors that have contributed to the development of cancer, so instead of focusing on looking for reasons, it would be better for us to pay attention to our own needs, learning to look after ourselves and get the support we desperately need.

This book is a humble offering to you, and I hope it will help you to accept painful uncertainties and rise above them. In doing so, we can conquer fear as we never really know when death comes knocking at our door. Along the way, I have received the comforting hand of a stranger during my most painful moments which has made a huge difference. The intricacies of human condition, often hanging by the thread between life and death remind us that we can find meaning even for a short while for our existence. Cancer comes as a memento mori, reminding us that we will die. We are then in a spectrum between submissive acceptance to a total denial. In time, we wake up to the reality we face when Pegasus breathes new life in us. If we are mindful of this inevitable fate, our lives would be entirely different.

I hope that my testimony will empower you to live every moment knowing that how we think affects us at every level. I have lived in fear, through fear and finally learnt to conquer fear. When we are not afraid of death, we are no longer afraid of life and we allow ourselves to be loved unconditionally. Great saints and sages from time immemorial give us the wisdom to transcend the problem of pain by going beyond ourselves and our body consciousness. Separating myself from this unbearable mental and physical pain prepared me for the process of self-healing. As we become free from the chains that bind us, we learn to love ourselves and to know that everything that surrounds us is love personified. We then begin to fulfil our dreams, even from the edge of life.

Many people may not have affinity to any particular faith or the existence of a supreme being, but somehow they discover an intrinsic strength which seems to carry them through their difficulties. It is not only my dream, but also my wish that every patient and their family who are burdened with such a catastrophic event have access to compassionate support from the outset. Let us together treasure our greatest gift of living well whatever the adversity. It is up to us to either dread the darkness or light a little lantern of hope.

“Who am I to say ‘believe’ ‘have faith’’ in the face of life’s realities? I want to give you something more permanent, but I can only point the way. I have no formula for winning the race. Everyone runs in her own way or his way. And where does the power come from to see the race to its end? From Within.” (Eric Liddell, from Chariots of Fire1)

¹ Courtesy: Lord Puttnam’s office