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The road to success is paved with little failures. If you doubt this, learn to juggle. Infants are masters of learning; their method is trial and error. In this technique they lead us all; no one fails as much or learns as quickly. Why fear failure? Every mistake imparts gifts and lessons, each lesson leads to wisdom, and every failure to new achievement. Failures and mistakes are the rungs on the ladder to your potential. If you never fail, you haven’t picked grand enough goals.

Q: My best friend and lover is quitting drinking this weekend. He is going to just stop, flat out. I’m going to help him—I told him I would tie him to the couch if necessary. Do you have any other suggestions?

A: His intention to quit drinking indicates an awareness that he has a problem. This is a great step beyond those still in denial and doomed to repeat the pattern. Life is about learning. His past failures have led to this battle; now he’s fighting for his life. And whether your friend gets through the initial ordeal locked in a room and tied to a bed, or medicated, or isolated in a hospital or recovery room, getting clean and sober is not as difficult as staying that way. Enduring the initial stages of withdrawal is one of many steppingstones to successful sobriety.

Failure is success if we learn from it. —Malcolm Forbes

In reality, no one quits a habit only once. We have to quit a thousand times—every time we feel we must have another drink, another fix, another whatever—just one more time, just a little bit, just to show we’ve got it handled. We find such compelling and creative reasons why we need it, why it’s necessary, helpful, good. That’s why we need to reassert our sobriety, reclaim our will, and pray to our God, moment-to-moment, even in the face of failure, even in the face of success. Whatever it may look like, we’re talking life or death here. I would advise any addict to get through withdrawal and get in touch with someone from Alcoholics Anonymous or another specialist in this area. Arrange followup counseling, group support, change of environment, or insight work to stay clean and sober. Then go beyond sobriety to self-discovery. Climb out of your hole, then up your mountain.

We discover what works by finding out what doesn’t work; those who never made a mistake, never made a discovery. —Samuel Smiles

I notice that your friend did not write to me—you did—so I can’t address his struggle, only yours. Please be careful about getting too wrapped up in his battle; you cannot be his strength. You can support his being sober by setting your own limits, boundaries, and example, but you can’t do it for him. No one has the power to save anyone else. You can only encourage your friend to save himself and turn his past failure into freedom. Ultimately, it is his choice, his courage, and his behavior that will win the day.

A life spent in making mistakes is not only more honorable, but more useful than a life spent in doing nothing. —George Bernard Shaw

Q: Whenever I see a woman I find attractive, I pretend not to notice her. I tell myself I do this out of respect, so as not to bother her. But I suspect that I’m just shy or lack self-esteem. I’m also extremely picky when it comes to girls. Before even meeting them, I dismiss most as being too conceited, too egocentric, too superficial, or even too attractive. Maybe I’m just afraid. I only date girls I don’t deeply care about or invest too much in, because if they drop me, it won’t hurt as much. Is my fear getting the better of me?

A: When I was a little boy, working up the nerve to jump off a roof into a sand pile, an older and wiser friend told me, “Stop thinking and jump!” I advise you to do the same. When you get past wondering about your own worth, you may notice there is another real person standing there, with her own fears, anxieties, and hopes.

If you can’t make a mistake, you can’t make anything. —Marva N. Collins

The fear of rejection is understandable, natural, and primal. But life offers us many chances to overcome such fears and doubts. The only way I know is to just do it. In the arena of emotions, to risk is to live. Love is not about safety and comfort, but about living and learning. As the saying goes, “Ships are safe in harbor, but that’s not what ships are for.” So set sail on the stormy sea of love. You’re going to get soaked at times, but you’ll know you’re alive.

Persistence is the key. Study those who succeed and learn their secret: Ask enough times and you shall eventually receive. No failure is final unless you make it so. You fell down the first time you tried to stand or walk; you swung and missed your first times at bat. Seven publishers rejected Margaret Mitchell’s Gone with the Wind before someone said yes; R. H. Macy failed numerous times before his New York store succeeded; English novelist John Creasey received 753 rejection slips before he published his first of 564 books. And more than three hundred banks turned down Walt Disney’s application before one finally agreed to loan him the funds to build Disneyland. Every failure brings us closer to success, so bear in mind that sometimes it’s the last key on the ring that opens the door.

Virtually nothing comes out right the first time. Failures, and repeated failures, are posts on the road to achievement. —Charles F. Kettering

In fearing to fail, we fail to try. But it is in the trying, and through the mistakes we make, that we grow into our lives and into ourselves. Learn the lessons of failure, but focus on success. In the end it depends not only on what you know, but on what you do. So the next time you find someone who attracts you, consider a direct approach. Express whatever is true of you. It will work out—or it won’t. Some people will instinctively like your personality and others will not. Why spend time worrying about those who don’t? If she declines, does this mean that you are a worthless slug—or that she just missed a lifetime opportunity? (Poor girl!) And if she says, “yes,” you’ll have a whole new set of challenges.

I learned to speak as one learns to skate or cycle— by doggedly making a fool of myself until I got used to it. —George Bernard Shaw

In the words of Michael Jordan, “We make zero percent of the shots we don’t take.” So take the shot; risk the failure and aim for success. Then, whatever happens, you’re in the game. And that’s what living on purpose is all about.

Personal Applications

Many of us fear failure without realizing that we make little mistakes and tiny failures each day, in the process of living and learning. We drop things, fail to find something we’re looking for, say or do something we could have done better.

We have also experienced larger, more noticeable mistakes or failures that seem to have bigger consequences. But how can we know for certain that these failures aren’t blessings in disguise, leading us to greater accomplishment?

 List five mistakes (no matter how small) that you made yesterday or today.

 List three bigger mistakes or failures you have experienced.

 What have you learned from each mistake or failure that makes it more likely to succeed next time you face a similar situation?