Читать книгу Shotgun Marriage - Danica Favorite - Страница 12
ОглавлениеEmma Jane’s day with Mary had been exactly what she’d needed. Not only had she found incredible peace talking with Pastor Lassiter, but the afternoon spent visiting with Mary had given her a new strength. Their friend Polly, who was also staying at the parsonage with her family to help with the Stone children, had joined them, and Emma Jane could honestly not recall a more enjoyable afternoon. Then the three girls went to the barn, where the women from the fire were staying, and they were able to tend to some of the women’s needs. Emma Jane hadn’t had much of a chance to chat with her friend Nancy, so she’d promised to come back the following morning.
Which left her sitting in her luxurious bedroom in the Jackson mansion, Bible in front of her, and unable to sleep. The past several nights had been spent in misery, and now she felt so happy it seemed a sin to close her eyes.
Well, that and the fact that Jasper had not returned by suppertime as he’d promised.
Had he been hurt? Killed?
Or was it like all the promises she’d heard all her life from her father, the ones that consisted of “Things will be different this time, you’ll see.”
Nothing in her life had ever become different, not even when the one thing that was supposed to make a difference, marrying Jasper Jackson, had happened.
Floorboards creaked on the stairs, and Emma Jane jumped up. The Jacksons had already turned in for the evening, and surely by now the servants were already in bed. Which meant it had to be Jasper.
She opened the door and Jasper jumped.
“Emma Jane! What are you doing up?”
“Reading my Bible.” She smiled and opened the door wider. “How was your expedition? Was it successful?”
Jasper shook his head. “Another dead end.”
“Come in. Why don’t you tell me about it?”
Jasper looked at her like she was crazy. “I can’t come in your bedroom.” He glanced at her nightgown. “You’re not even properly dressed.”
With a sigh, Emma Jane pulled her shawl more tightly around her. “My nightgown is much more modest than what half the women wear around town. Besides, we’re married.” She smiled up at him. “I’ve already been compromised, so it’s not as though you can compromise me any worse.”
But he glowered at her words. “That’s not funny.”
Emma Jane sighed. “I’m sorry. I was just trying to lighten up a bad situation. I didn’t mean to hit a raw nerve. Can we pretend I didn’t make a thoughtless comment, and then you come in and tell me about your progress? I’d like to work on our friendship, if that’s all right with you.”
When he didn’t answer, Emma Jane continued. “Besides, I meant what I said about wanting to help. Since you won’t let me do anything, at least let me listen. One of the women today said that having someone listen to her troubles was help enough for her.”
For a moment, she thought he was going to snap at her or comment about how it wasn’t time to work on their marriage, but then he sighed and took a step toward her door. “I suppose I can spare a few minutes.”
What happened to the Jasper she used to like? The man who used to like her?
“The chair by the window is comfortable. You could sit there if you like.” It sounded strange to her to be so formal with her own husband. Then again, it still sounded strange for her to refer to herself as having a husband.
“I’m glad you’re comfortable here,” Jasper said as he sat, settling against the soft velvety fabric.
“I’m still getting used to it all, to be honest. I’ve never had such luxuries, and having a staff is still intimidating.”
He laughed. Not the fake laugh she’d heard from across the room at so many social functions where she’d stood in the corner, praying no one would notice her. Rather, it was the same warm sound she’d heard from him when they’d gotten to know each other during the mine cave-in. After their rescue, they’d recuperated at a nearby lake resort because it was closer than returning to town. A stay that had been extended to a week due to a snow storm making the roads impassable.
There, she’d thought they’d become friends. Stuck in a hotel with no one but the proprietors and Will and Mary for company, they’d formed a bond of sorts, and their easy camaraderie had made her wonder why they hadn’t gotten to know each other sooner.
Emma Jane hadn’t heard that laugh since their wedding.
“I’ve missed that sound,” she said quietly, hoping it wasn’t the wrong thing to say. She’d already blundered in mentioning their past, but hopefully this would be a happier reminder.
Fortunately, Jasper rewarded her with a smile. “I guess we haven’t had much to laugh about. And I haven’t exactly warmed to your attempts at trying to ease the situation. Sometimes I feel selfish for enjoying life when a woman is dead because of me and I’ve yet to make it up to her.”
Back to sober Jasper. And yet, not. Because where he’d once shut her out, here he was opening up.
Could their relationship be turning a new corner as she’d hoped?
Emma Jane sat on her bed, pleased that at least Jasper had made himself comfortable on her chair.
“I don’t think she saved your life so you would feel guilty for living.” She gestured to the Bible she’d been reading. “I’ve been reading in John, where Jesus says that He’s come so people can have abundant life. I know it’s not an exact parallel, but Christ’s sacrifice was meant for us to be able to do good with our lives. Surely Mel dying for you was similar.”
Jasper stared at her for a moment, and Emma Jane felt silly for saying such things. Her mother and sister used to mock her for all of her “Bible nonsense,” and even her father told her it wasn’t seemly for a woman to be so familiar with Scriptures.
“I guess I hadn’t thought of it that way,” Jasper said slowly. “You used to say things like that in Sunday school, things that made me think. I’d forgotten until now.”
Emma Jane felt her face warm, just as it had when their Sunday school teacher had complimented her. The other girls in the class, however, had teased her mercilessly. On top of all of her other faults, she’d been too bold in showing off her knowledge.
“Why are you embarrassed?” Jasper looked at her with an intensity that made her feel even more unclothed than she already was. “You used to say such interesting things in Sunday school, then you stopped.”
Then, with a note of what sounded like regret, he said, “And then you stopped coming at all.”
“I was tired of being made fun of by the other girls.” The words came out almost as a whisper, and her chest burned as she said them.
“I’m sorry. I never noticed.”
He truly did sound as though he felt badly for not noticing. But no one noticed Emma Jane. Not unless they found something to tease her about. Except Jasper. He’d never teased her.
“It’s all right. I stopped going to most of the church functions and took to reading the Bible on my own. I know it’s not seemly for a woman to spend so much time reading the Bible, but sometimes it was all I had.”
“Why did you come to the church picnic?”
Back to their shared history and events that they both seemed like they wanted to forget but couldn’t.
“My mother made me. I didn’t want to go. I knew word of my father’s bad night at cards had gotten out. But my mother said it was our only hope.”
“Marrying me.” His voice came out raspy, like it hurt to say the words as much as it hurt Emma Jane to admit her shame.
“Yes.” And then, because she couldn’t help it, “I’m sorry. I never meant any of this to happen.”
Flora’s words at the church came back to her. “I heard some of the talk that’s gotten around about what happened. I want you to know...”
“Stop. Please.” He ran a hand over his face. “I thought I could do this. I thought I wanted to get through it, but...”
Jasper let out a long sigh. “I want to understand, Emma Jane. But there’s still so much of me that thinks about what was taken away from me, and it’s hard to let go. I need you to be patient with me.”
Her chest was so tight it almost hurt to breathe. How she managed to get out the words, she didn’t know. “Of course. I...”
The rest, she couldn’t say. Because as much as she knew that Jasper resented not having a lot of choices in life, the choices he did have were a far sight better than anything Emma Jane had ever had. He acted as though she’d wanted to marry him. Not that she’d wanted to marry anyone else, of course, but just like Jasper had said he’d wanted to choose his own wife, she’d wanted to find her own husband.
Granted, what she wanted was probably a lot more than what Jasper wanted for himself. But for Emma Jane, she wanted a husband who wanted her. Who didn’t marry her out of obligation. Who enjoyed spending time with her...and genuinely liked and loved her...
Didn’t he realize that, in their marriage, all of her hopes and dreams had been dashed, as well?
She swallowed the lump in her throat. “I didn’t mean for us to quarrel. Perhaps we can talk about something safe. Like what you’re reading in your Bible.”
Emma Jane forced a smile to her lips, hoping that, at least in this, they could find common ground.
Only, with the dark look that crossed Jasper’s face, she knew she’d missed the mark—again.
“I don’t read my Bible.”
She’d hoped, in marrying a man active in their church, that their faith would eventually bring them together. Apparently, even that hope was to be dashed.
“Why not?”
Jasper shrugged. “I learn plenty from Pastor Lassiter’s sermons. I know enough about God that I don’t need to keep studying. After all, I’ve been attending church since I was a child.”
Jasper might have grown up wealthy, but as Emma Jane recalled his mother’s words earlier about giving money to the church in lieu of helping out, she wondered if he might have grown up poor indeed.
“But Pastor Lassiter talks about the importance of reading God’s Word.”
Jasper shrugged. “And he reads it to us every Sunday. Why should I do more?”
“Because it deepens your relationship with the Lord.”
He looked thoughtful for a moment. “I suppose that’s why you always made such insightful comments in Sunday school. How often do you read your Bible?”
“Every day.” Emma Jane hoped her words didn’t sound too prideful. When she’d made a similar comment to one of the girls at church, she’d chastised Emma Jane for being too full of herself.
Jasper didn’t say anything for a long while, and as the silence began to grow uncomfortable, Emma Jane wondered what she could say that wouldn’t cause more strife between them.
Fortunately, Jasper’s stomach rumbled loudly, and it sent Emma Jane into motion.
“I just realized, the staff has all gone to bed, but if you’re hungry, or you want some tea, I could get you something.”
Finally. A small smile teased the corners of Jasper’s lips. “Mother will be furious if she finds you in the kitchen.” Then, in a mocking voice, he said, “Don’t you know that is what the help is for? We do not belong in their domain, just as they do not belong in ours.”
Emma Jane giggled. “That sounds exactly like her.”
“I’ve heard it my whole life.” Jasper yawned at the same time his stomach rumbled again.
“It would be no trouble to get you a sandwich. I spent all night working the night of the brothel fire to make sure everyone was taken care of. Cook and I became friends of sorts, and I think she’ll be happy if I get you something without disturbing her.”
Jasper sat up slightly. “I didn’t realize you spent so much time helping that night.”
“Of course. I couldn’t sleep, knowing that you, Will and Mary were confronting a dangerous situation. Then, when Mary and Rose came here, telling us of the fire, I had to do what I could. Rose was with the doctor, and poor Mary was exhausted and famished. I had to make sure she had something, and then, with you and Will still out there, I knew that you’d need something, as well. I didn’t sleep at all that night.”
And then Jasper had been too busy talking to the authorities to talk to her. The only reason Emma Jane even knew the full story of what had happened in the brothel was because Mary had told her. Though that fact hurt, what wounded her even more was the surprised expression on Jasper’s face. True, he had been too busy to notice Emma Jane’s contributions, but the fact that it didn’t occur to him that she’d want to help, well, that seemed like a far greater sin than Jasper’s abandonment.
That was the trouble with marrying someone you barely knew. Jasper didn’t know that for someone like Emma Jane, the easiest thing to do was to step in and work, because when you worked, you didn’t have to talk. Because talking meant that people would notice her and make fun of her. No one ever seemed to pay any mind to the workers. Probably why Jasper had never noticed her, either.
“I’m sorry I never thanked you for your help,” he said huskily.
“It was a busy night. Your mother rushed you into bed and had the doctor in there with you so quickly, I’m sure there were a lot of things you didn’t notice.”
The weariness on Jasper’s face seemed to increase as the lamp flickered beside him. She hated continuing to make him talk, but they seemed to almost be getting along. Could they regain ground as friends?
“I think Pastor Lassiter has a point about us needing time together to get to know each other. I don’t understand what’s fueling your need to help this Daisy person, and you don’t understand anything about me.” Emma Jane pulled her shawl tighter around her. “Why don’t I get you something to eat, and when I get back, you can tell me something you think I should know about you.”
At least, with Jasper leading the conversation, it would keep her from making any more missteps that would drive them apart.
Hesitating before heading for the door, she watched the play of emotions on her husband’s face. Could he see that she was offering him an olive branch? A chance to begin their marriage as it should have been? Asking him to love her was too much—Emma Jane knew that—but surely peaceful coexistence wasn’t so far out of their reach.
After what seemed like ages, Jasper’s lips turned upward into the grin that was rumored to melt every woman’s heart this side of the Divide. Emma Jane had never been one of the girls to giggle and swoon over Jasper’s famed good looks, but if he gave her many grins like that, she could easily find herself wanting to. However, a man’s appearance faded over time, and Emma Jane hoped that what she found beneath was the same man she’d grown to like at the church picnic.
“All right. Don’t put any pickles on my sandwich. Mother seems to think they’re my favorite, but I really can’t stand her pickles.” He gave her a wink, then settled back into her chair.
No pickles. The simple request seemed to be the beginning of a friendship as Emma Jane went downstairs to the kitchen. There, she found Cook already at the stove, busying herself with the kettle.
“What are you doing up?” Emma Jane crossed the room and reached for a mug. Though Mrs. Jackson would probably disapprove of Jasper not being served on fine china, the mugs held more, and he seemed like he could use a larger cup of tea.
“I heard Mr. Jasper come home. He doesn’t take good care of himself, so I thought I’d prepare some food for him.”
In her short time at the Jackson mansion, Emma Jane had learned that everything was about catering to Jasper—when it wasn’t about Mrs. Jackson, of course. But his mother’s primary concern, other than reputation, was making sure that Jasper never wanted for anything.
“I should have known. I came down to do the very thing myself.”
Cook pointed to a plate on the table. “Sandwiches for Mr. Jasper, just the way he likes.”
Emma Jane couldn’t help but notice the pickle hanging out the sides. She went over and removed it.
“What are you doing with Mrs. Jackson’s prized pickles? Those are Mr. Jasper’s favorite.”
“When I asked him what he’d like, he mentioned that he’d prefer not to have pickles.” Emma Jane hesitated, wondering if she should share his secret.
Cook nodded slowly. “I wondered who’d been leaving pickles in strange places in the dining room. Poor Mr. Jasper probably didn’t want to hurt his mother’s feelings. Mrs. Jackson prides herself on those pickles, though I don’t know a single soul who can tolerate them. I’ll keep that in mind for the future.”
It was a simple conversation about pickles, but it told something about Jasper’s character that Emma Jane hadn’t been expecting. As much as he played the role of a carefree playboy, Jasper’s compassion ran deep. Rather than hurt his mother’s feelings, he’d gone along with the charade of liking her pickles.
As Emma Jane finished preparing Jasper’s tea, she thought more about Jasper’s compassion. At the church picnic, when everyone else mocked Emma Jane’s outmoded dress and the ridiculous way her mother had painted her face to attract attention, Jasper had reprimanded the girls who’d mistreated her in front of him. He’d spoken to her with kindness and treated her with dignity even when everyone else was whispering about her father losing everything at the gambling halls. He’d even promised to help her find a way to get her family out of the mess.
Of course, he hadn’t meant to marry her, and he’d said as much. Poor Jasper had only thought to do a good deed for Emma Jane, and she’d repaid him by forcing a marriage he didn’t want.
She sighed and put the sandwich and tea on a tray. No, she hadn’t forced the marriage. Her parents had. And when she’d tried telling everyone that it wasn’t Jasper’s fault they’d been trapped in a mine together and that nothing had happened requiring marriage, everyone ignored her.
When she arrived back in her room, Jasper lay sprawled in the chair, his mouth hanging open, snoring softly. His thick dark hair had fallen over closed eyes. The rugged lines had disappeared from his face, and he appeared so peaceful, full of calm and innocence. Looking at him like this, Emma Jane understood why his looks beguiled so many. He seemed so handsome and debonair. So...perfect. Everyone seemed to want that perfection, and yet, the more time Emma Jane spent with Jasper, the more she realized there was so much more to him. Which was strange, because she barely knew him at all.
After setting the tray down on a nearby table, Emma Jane took one of the blankets from her bed and tucked it around Jasper. She’d have liked to have moved him, but she wasn’t that strong, and she didn’t want to disturb him. He seemed to be sleeping comfortably enough, and because she’d napped on that very chair a time or two, Emma Jane knew he’d be fine.
Then, because it seemed like the right thing to do, Emma Jane bent and kissed him on the forehead. “May God bless you and keep you.”
She crossed the room, turned out the lights, then climbed back into her own bed and settled into sleep.
* * *
Jasper woke with a crick in his neck, feeling more rested than he had in days, yet not entirely comfortable. He opened his eyes, then realized where he was. Emma Jane’s room. He must have fallen asleep when she’d gone to get him something to eat. He glanced around the room and noticed the tray sitting on a nearby table.
Dear, sweet girl. His stomach rumbled, so he went ahead and grabbed the sandwich. The tea was cold, but it quenched his thirst. He ate and drank, enjoying the meal she’d prepared for him. Even the lack of pickles on his sandwich warmed his heart. True, his mother would have done the same and brought him a tray. But something about the fact that Emma Jane had taken it upon herself to tend to him was endearing. She hadn’t needed to go to all that trouble.
As if to remind him of her presence, Emma Jane gave a small sigh as she shifted in her bed. He looked over at her, noticing that she lay curled up in the blanket, almost like a child. Her hair lay spread out across the pillow, a deep honey shade that was neither brown nor blond, but a combination of the two. He’d heard people talk about how plain Emma Jane’s looks were, but watching her sleep, he thought her quite lovely. True, she didn’t have the classical beauty that seemed to be prized in society, but there was something genuinely attractive about her innocent face and lack of artifice.
Emma Jane sighed yet again and mumbled something incoherent. Jasper turned away. He shouldn’t be intruding on her private moments of rest.
She’d been kind to him the night before, trying to talk to him and find out what he was really like. For all her faults, Emma Jane was trying to be a good wife. But could she make up for the fact that she’d used him so badly?
He remembered how she’d made a point to tell him that she’d complied with his request, not investigating on her own and relying on him to share information.
Emma Jane was doing her part, and it was time he thought about doing his. Letting go of his resentment of the situation and giving her an honest chance. He’d told her last night that he was finding it difficult. But for as hard as he saw Emma Jane trying, he knew he owed her nothing less.
Jasper folded the blanket Emma Jane had put around him. Her consideration gave him pause. He hadn’t known that she’d helped out the night of the brothel fire. Nor had he known that she’d been helping with the women displaced by the brothel fire. In some ways, it shamed Jasper to realize that as angry as he was about his marriage, he hadn’t at all thought about what kind of woman he’d ended up with.
Somehow, in all of this mess, he’d found himself attached to a good woman.
As he placed the blanket on the chair, the bedroom door opened.
“Jasper! What are you doing in here?”
His mother’s gasp jolted him and, from the startled sound in the bed, Emma Jane, as well.
“Good morning, Mother.”
“Answer my question.”
Jasper wanted to laugh at his mother’s insistence. He was a married man, and still she concerned herself with the propriety of being in a woman’s—no, his wife’s—bedchamber.
“Emma Jane heard me come in late, and she wanted to be sure I was taken care of.” He gestured to the empty plate. “I fell asleep in the chair, and she was kind enough to let me rest.”
“She should have alerted the staff.” His mother’s face was pinched in an unpleasant expression. “Speaking of which, one of the maids says she saw Emma Jane leaving the kitchen last night. I cannot have her interfering with the staff’s business.”
He knew his marriage had been hard on his mother, who’d dreamed of a big society wedding with a woman of her choosing. But as he’d told her the day before, they had to come to terms with the fact that life had other plans for them.
“Emma Jane was being a good wife,” Jasper said in a carefully modulated tone. “I was grateful for her kindness to me.”
“I see.” She turned her attention to Emma Jane, who’d just woken and now sat up in bed, pulling her covers around her. “In the future, please leave the care of my son to our staff.”
Was his mother seriously telling Emma Jane not to take care of him? Did she truly expect that he and Emma Jane were going to continue to live in this house as strangers? But as he saw the tension in his mother’s elegant figure, he knew that was exactly what she was thinking. His mother never thought that he and Emma Jane would have a real marriage.
Jasper swallowed. He’d never imagined it, either. But he had hoped that, over time, he and Emma Jane could at least find a peaceful way to live together. Last night, she had reached out to him in an attempt to make that happen.
Constance’s edict would only serve to drive a wedge between their already fragile marriage.
“I like Emma Jane’s care, Mother. So if it’s no trouble to her, then I see no need for her to rouse the servants on my behalf.” Jasper looked directly at Emma Jane, hoping she understood that he was on her side.
“I see. However, I do want to stress that your wife should not be in the kitchen.” His mother turned and sauntered out of the room, leaving the door open behind her.
Although Emma Jane’s comment last night about her already being compromised had rubbed him the wrong way, he couldn’t help but think it now. What did his mother think she was saving him from? They’d already been forced to marry.
“I’m sorry about that,” Jasper said to her. “She’ll warm up to you eventually.”
“It’s all right.” Emma Jane stared at the blankets on the bed, not meeting his gaze. “I’m sure it must be hard for her to have you married to someone like me. I’m not exactly the society darling she’d hoped for.”
Her words shamed him. Not because she was trying to, but because that’s what Emma Jane seemed to truly believe. He thought back to the way the women had teased her at the church picnic, how Flora Montgomery had tried to persuade him not to speak to her because of the scandal surrounding her father’s gambling losses. Even at their wedding, which was supposed to quiet all the talk about Emma Jane’s fall from grace, he’d heard the whispers disparaging her character.
Jasper knew none of it was true. He’d assumed everyone else would figure out the truth sooner or later, as well. But it hadn’t occurred to him that Emma Jane believed herself deserving of the censure.
“Any man would be honored to be married to someone like you,” Jasper said gruffly.
Emma Jane finally met his eyes. “You aren’t.”
He’d forgotten how direct she could be. When they first spoke at the church picnic, he’d admired that about her. Even respected the fact that she’d come right out and said that if he married her, it would solve her problems. But that was before she’d tricked him into compromising her. Before she’d demonstrated her lack of trust in him.
“No man wants to be made a fool of.”
He hated the way she shrank back at his words. Emma Jane wanted to be friends and recapture what they’d had before they’d been forced to marry. But how could they get past it, when she had no idea what she’d stolen from him?
A chance to fall in love. To have a loving home. A family of his own. Perhaps he and Emma Jane could get to a place where they could find a way to have children. But there’d never be the same loving glances he saw Will and Mary exchange. He’d never know what it was like to have someone see all the parts of him and love him, really love him, for who he was.
Maybe Jasper had been the fool. This whole mess had started because seeing Will again and meeting Emma Jane had made him want to be a better man. To be known for something other than the wealthy playboy who stole women’s hearts. He’d thought he wanted a life of substance instead of playing to society’s whims.
Yet here he was, stuck in a marriage of convenience because he’d tried to be the man of honor he wanted to be.
Tears rolled down Emma Jane’s cheeks, and he knew he should be sorry for them. Part of him was, but the other part of him still mourned the life he could never have.
