Читать книгу His Christmas Redemption - Danica Favorite - Страница 15

“We need to make cookies,” Erin said as Lance helped her out of the car when they got back to the ranch the next day.

“You just got home,” he said. “Let’s get you settled in and maybe, in a few days, we’ll give it a go.”

Even though Lance had known about Erin’s love for Christmas, he hadn’t expected she’d want to continue her activities as normal when she got home. But he should have guessed, considering how important it was to her. As he watched the defiant expression cross her face, he knew this wasn’t going to be an easy battle.

That had always been the trouble with Erin. When she got something stuck in her mind, it was almost impossible to convince her to see sense. Wasn’t that what had gotten her into this position in the first place?

He’d told her to let him finish the lights. Had she listened? No. And in a careless moment she’d been injured. At least this time it was only her safety she’d compromised. But what if he hadn’t been able to take care of her? What would she have done with the boys? Would she have had to call her sister home?

Even though everyone told him that Lily’s death was nothing more than a tragic accident, Lance knew that if only Erin had been more careful, more responsible, she would have remembered to lock the door and wouldn’t have fallen asleep. Maybe then, their daughter would still be alive.

“I’ll be fine,” she insisted, struggling to get out of her seat.

As much as Erin claimed she felt fine, she’d slept almost the entire drive back to the ranch. He’d had enough injuries of his own to know that a concussion took longer than most people thought to heal. Add in the pain from her fall and she wasn’t going to be fine for a long time.

“You’ve only just gotten out of the hospital, so let’s take it one step at a time. Starting with getting you into the house.”

He tried not to laugh as she glared at him. It was almost fun, watching her squirm. The look on her face as she glanced down at her foot then up at the stairs leading to the porch was priceless. Though they’d put her in a walking boot, the cast on her right arm would make it difficult for her to grab on to anything for balance.

Plus, it was hard to take her seriously when she was wearing a gaudy Christmas sweater with a giant llama on the front that said, “I llama wish you a Merry Christmas.” Her outfit was absolutely ridiculous, but when she was in the hospital, Lance and the boys had stopped at a discount store to buy them all some necessities for their overnight stay, as well as some things for Lance’s stay at Erin’s, and the boys had insisted that Erin needed that sweater.

She’d accepted the boys’ gift with dignity, but he could tell by the horrified expression on her face that it was a bit much, even for her. Her acceptance of the ugly sweater was one of the many things he’d always loved about her. Erin’s warmth always made people feel...

Lance shook his head. There was a big difference between finding peace with their relationship and remembering those feelings. Best to focus on the task at hand.

“Put your arm around my neck,” he said, bending beside the car. “You can balance on me until you get the hang of walking in that thing.”

She nodded slowly as she scooted out of the seat, putting her arm around him. She’d been in his arms only the day before, when he’d taken her to the hospital, but this felt different. Like... He couldn’t put words to it. But he liked the feeling of Erin trusting him and relying on him. They’d once had it and, somehow, they’d lost it.

Once he got her into the house, he took her to the family room. The space was cozy, with couches arranged by a fireplace and half-opened boxes of decorations in the corner. Some of the decorations were already in place but, judging from the boxes, Erin had a lot more to go.

“Is that end of the couch a recliner?” Lance asked. “The nurse said you should keep your foot elevated as much as possible.”

“Yes,” Erin said. “But I told you, I need to bake cookies today. I have a list, and if I don’t stick to the schedule, I won’t have everything done by the time my sisters get home. We’ll only have a few days before Christmas then, and I don’t want them worrying about everything I didn’t finish.”

Was she kidding? Of course not. Erin didn’t kid about Christmas. If the halls weren’t decked to the nines, she wasn’t happy. And right now, even though most people would call the house decorations perfectly fine, he knew it wasn’t up to Erin’s standards.

Even though Erin would have hated the comparison, her insistence on perfect Christmas décor reminded him of his mother. The only difference was that his mother always hired professional decorators and hosted parties to show off her efforts.

He could at least be thankful Erin wasn’t one to throw a party. How he hated his mother’s parties, with all the fake cheer and plastic smiles, pretending to be the perfect family.

At least Erin never pretended things were perfect when they weren’t.

“They’re going to understand,” Lance told her. “You’ve got a broken ankle and a broken arm. It’s not going to kill anyone to not have everything done perfectly. Besides, if you bake the cookies now, they’ll be spoiled by Christmas.”

“Not if you freeze them,” she said, removing her arm from his shoulder. “And just because you hate Christmas doesn’t mean the rest of us can’t celebrate the way we want.”

“I do not hate Christmas,” he said through gritted teeth. They’d barely gotten Erin home and already they were starting in to their old patterns. “I just think that all this nonsense isn’t necessary. There’s nothing wrong with getting some cookies from the bakery, dumping a packet of hot chocolate into a mug of hot water, and sitting in front of a tree that doesn’t look like Rudolph vomited on it.”

“That’s disgusting,” Erin said as she stepped away. “And that is exactly the problem between us. I see the beauty in holiday decorations and you want to compare them to animal waste.”

At this rate, she was going to take another tumble. Maybe not off a ladder, but it was still going to hurt.

“I just think less is more,” he said, trying to sound calm. “It’s your house, and you can do whatever you want. But the nurse said you have to stay off that foot and keep it elevated for the first few days.”

He held an arm out to her. “Come on, Erin. I don’t want to fight. I’m just trying to keep you safe. If having homemade cookies means so much to you, we’ll figure it out. After you rest.”

Tears filled her eyes. Lance squeezed his eyes shut and started to count to ten. The last thing he needed was for her to start crying on him. Why did she have to be so emotional about everything?

When he got to nine, Erin took his arm. “I just want to have the perfect Christmas.”

He opened his eyes and looked at her. “You don’t need to have all this stuff for that. Besides, you guys had this place last year. Didn’t you get to do everything then?”

“I had the flu. We got the decorating mostly done, but I got sick before I got to enjoy any of it,” she said, a sad look crossing her face. “I didn’t even get to watch the boys open the hats Shane had bought them. Plus, we got a lot of decorations on clearance after Christmas last year, so this is the first we’ll get to use them.”

The tone of her voice and the way her forehead was wrinkling made him realize that some of the emotion he was witnessing was sheer exhaustion on her part. Not only was she injured and on painkillers, she was obviously under a lot of strain—trying to plan the perfect Christmas, taking care of her nephews on her own and now having to deal with him. He might, as she’d often accused him, be low on the emotional intelligence scale, but he could at least tell that what Erin really needed at this point was a nap.

“We’ll make it work,” he said softly, putting his arm around her and leading her toward the couch. She didn’t fight him, just looked up at him sadly.

“If you say so,” she said.

Lance got her situated on the couch and the boys came running in the room. “Uncle Lance! Can you play with us?”

“I’m still getting your aunt settled in right now. Why don’t you help me by getting her a glass of water so she can take her medicine?”

Erin looked up at him. “I don’t want any more painkillers. Leah’s first husband died because of a drug overdose that started with a painkiller addiction.”

He’d known that, but he hadn’t realized just how much it had affected Erin. He’d heard the nurse warn her that the first couple of days out of the hospital she needed to be diligent about taking her medication because they’d had her on such strong medicine in the hospital initially.

“We’ll wean you off gradually, just like the nurse said,” Lance told her, sitting next to her on the couch. “You’re not going to become addicted, but if you don’t stay on top of the pain, the nurse said it will get really bad and you’ll end up back in the hospital. Is that what you want?”

Erin shook her head. “I know I sound like a bratty child here, but I don’t think you understand just how hard this is for me.”

He took her hand and gave it a squeeze. “I think, of all people, I understand the most. I know you hate feeling powerless and it’s not like you to sit around and do nothing. But you have to take care of yourself or you’re useless for taking care of anyone else. You know that. I promise I’ll help you get ready for Christmas.”

“You said when we got divorced that you were never celebrating Christmas again.”

Not only had he said that but he’d kept his word. He’d never liked how commercial the holiday had become, and hated it even more now that he and Erin were divorced. Every stupid decoration reminded him of the woman who’d loved—and left—him.

But helping Erin didn’t mean celebrating. As far as he was concerned, these could just be chores, like cleaning the toilet. He chuckled at the thought. Erin would be so offended if she heard him comparing the two, but at least the thought made the activity palatable.

“What’s so funny?” she asked.

The boys came back in the room, so he didn’t have to explain. Besides, when he saw what Ryan was holding, Lance didn’t feel much like laughing anymore. He’d know that bear anywhere.

“Where did he get that?” Lance looked over at Erin.

“It was Lily’s. You and I aren’t the only ones who miss her. He doesn’t really remember her, but when he was little, he used to cry for his Lily, so I started letting him sleep with her favorite teddy bear. And now it’s his.”

Ryan squeezed his teddy to his chest. “Her name is Lily. She’s my Lily bear.”

That’s what Erin used to call Lily. Her little Lily bear. Lance had thought it a silly name and now hearing it made his heart ache.

“You gave him Lily’s bear?” Lance stared at Erin.

“I did what I thought was best. She’s not here to enjoy it, and it makes him happy, so what’s wrong with that?”

Lance didn’t answer. What was he supposed to say? He couldn’t exactly take what was obviously a beloved toy away from Ryan and yet it didn’t seem fair.

“I sleep with her every night,” Ryan said. “Except for last night, and I really missed her.” Ryan squeezed the bear to his chest. “I promise I won’t ever leave you again.”

“Bears are for babies,” Dylan said, handing Erin a glass of water. “Here’s your drink, like you asked.”

“I’m not a baby. Lily bear is my special friend.”

Erin patted the seat next to her. “Of course she is. And we don’t think you’re a baby.” Erin looked over at Dylan. “Apologize to your brother.”

“Sorry,” Dylan said.

Ryan grabbed a blanket from a nearby chair then climbed up onto the couch and snuggled next to Erin. She put her arm around the little boy in such a maternal way that it made Lance’s heart hurt. How many times had he seen her do that with Lily? She’d been that way with both boys, as well, and the thing he’d always appreciated about her was how loving she’d been to all the children.

Lance hadn’t had that kind of love growing up. His parents, not the touchy-feely type, were more interested in showing off the trophies of their children’s accomplishments. Just like with Christmas. It wasn’t about celebrating the reason for the season, but about impressing their neighbors and clients. He’d always promised himself that if he had children, they’d be part of a loving family. He thought they’d given that to Lily; one of the small comforts he’d had with her short life. As much as he hadn’t wanted the divorce, sometimes he wondered if Erin had been right in pursuing it, given that he didn’t think they were capable of loving each other that way anymore.

Erin whispered something in Ryan’s ear then Ryan looked over at Dylan. “I accept your apology,” he said.

Sometimes it was easy to forget the things Lance had against Erin, especially when he was reminded of the kind and loving woman she was. He just didn’t know how that translated to being at peace with her. His counselor had told him that he needed to forgive Erin for what happened to Lily. But as much as Lance wanted to believe that Erin had learned from her mistakes, it was clear she still didn’t always think her decisions through.

If she were responsible, and thought about things logically, she wouldn’t be arguing with him over taking care of herself. She’d be more focused on getting well and taking care of the children than on some crazy idea of what she thought Christmas was supposed to be like.

Erin looked up at him. “If you can get me my pain pills, I should go ahead and take one now, before the pain gets worse. If you don’t mind, I’d also like you to put on a movie for Ryan and me to watch. Neither of us slept well last night, so we’re just going to veg out in front of the TV.”

Ryan cradled the bear in his arms as he tucked the blanket around him and Erin. It was a cozy picture. As much as Lance wanted to nurse the feelings of hurt, his heart melted a little when Ryan bent and kissed the top of his bear’s head.

Lily was dead. What did it matter that her bear was providing comfort to another child?

Once Erin was settled with her movie, Lance got out his laptop. Even though he was technically on a leave of absence, he still liked to keep up on as much as he could. But he found, as the cartoon character of Ebenezer Scrooge came on the screen, he was more focused on the movie than on his work. Erin would probably have something to say about that, but when he turned to look at her, she’d already fallen asleep. Cuddled with the little boy, she was the picture of everything he wished his life could have been had it not been cruelly taken from him.

Maybe what people didn’t understand about Lance, or about these famous characters of Christmas, was that their perceived badness didn’t happen in a vacuum. There were reasons for the pain, and it wasn’t so simple to just get over it, as everyone seemed to want them to do. Maybe it happened in the movies, but the people in the movies didn’t wake up every morning to an emptiness that nothing could ever fill.

His counselor wanted him to make peace with Erin. He still didn’t know what that meant, but he’d like to think that when he talked to her next, and he told her about taking care of Erin, she’d see this as doing just that. Surely taking care of the person who’d done the most to hurt you was a sign that you’d made peace with your past.

When Erin woke, there was a fire in the fireplace, the television was off and the boys were gone. This was why she hadn’t wanted to take the pain medicine. It made her too sleepy and she couldn’t pay attention or keep track of the boys.

Lance used to ask her how he would know that she had learned from her mistake and would never fall asleep while watching a child again. She hadn’t had an answer at the time, but living with Leah and her boys, she was always on edge if she was supposed to be watching them. True, Lance was there, but sometimes she felt that he looked at her like he was just waiting for her to mess up again. Leah often told her that even Mary lost track of a young Jesus when he went off to go preach in the synagogue. Surely if the mother of the son of God didn’t always do it right then Erin could give herself a break, as well.

Just try telling that to Lance. She shifted her weight, trying to see the best way to scoot herself off the couch and move around. She could hear laughter coming from the kitchen. It seemed selfish to spoil their fun by calling out for them. But no sooner had she flipped the lever to put the foot of the recliner down than Lance stepped into the living room, wearing the reindeer apron the boys had purchased for her last Christmas.

“Let me help you,” he said.

“What are you guys doing in there?”

He shrugged. “Making cookies. The boys showed me a Christmas binder, and while I know you want to be part of the cookie-making process, there are a lot of cookies to be baked, so we went ahead and started. What do you need to make so many Christmas cookies for, anyway?”

Lance had started making the cookies? “You don’t know how to make anything that doesn’t come out of a box.”

“They say necessity is the mother of invention. It’s too expensive to eat out all the time, and I don’t like eating frozen dinners day in and day out. So I watched a few videos on the internet and, while I’ll never be a chef, I won’t starve.”

“You were good at grilling,” she said. Then she added, “Our church has refreshments every Sunday after the service. But they also like to do something a little special for the holidays. Baking cookies relaxes me, so I volunteered to do extra this year. I’m just glad my day to bring them wasn’t today. At least we’ll have them for next week.”

She tried not to sound discouraged as she spoke. Before her nap, she’d sounded so whiny that she’d gotten on her own nerves. Even now she was trying not to let the situation get the best of her. It had been a silly accident and she needed to find a way to look on the bright side.

“I didn’t realize you started going to church again,” he said.

He looked like he was going to add something argumentative but then he stopped. The counselor had recommended they go to church together, but Lance had informed her that he saw no point in chasing after a God who could be so cruel as to take their child from them.

“It’s been a great way for us to get involved in our community. Pastor Roberts is a wonderful teacher and we’ve all grown a lot closer to the Lord thanks to him. I’ve never been part of a place where the people were so warm and welcoming.”

The hesitation on his face was confirmation of just how far apart they’d grown and why she couldn’t see them having a future together. Maybe, for all the doubts she’d had about their divorce, having him there now was what she needed as confirmation of what had truly become important in her life.

“I don’t believe in God anymore,” he said.

Erin took a deep breath. “I know. But that’s something for the two of you to work out. If you’d rather not help with the cookies, I understand. Even though everyone I know is busy with their own holiday preparations, I’m sure I can find someone to help me.”

Though she’d put a cheerful tone in her voice, she knew that many of the people from church already had too many commitments on their plates. She’d ended up signing up to make extra because they hadn’t had enough people who could do it.

“It’s just cookies,” he said. “It’s not like I have to go—” He stopped. “I’m going to have to take you to church, aren’t I?”

She honestly hadn’t thought that far ahead. She would like to go to church, but she was already asking a lot of Lance. She’d seen the look on his face when she’d explained about Lily’s bear becoming Ryan’s.

“I’ll try to find a ride. My boss, Ricky, drives right past here on his way. If he can’t pick us up, maybe you could just drop us off and then go have a cup of coffee and pastry. There’s a great café in town that has the best bear claws.”

Lance gave her a funny look. “I like bear claws.”

If it were anyone but Lance, she’d have hugged him. It wasn’t that she didn’t want to hug him, but because it was Lance, she wasn’t sure she’d be able to leave his arms after being in them again. She’d already struggled with it when he’d brought her into the house. It was hard being so close to someone she’d loved for so long...their relationship was now so different.

He helped her into the kitchen, where the boys were making shapes out of dough. It wouldn’t have been her first choice, but she could see Lance’s laptop perched on the counter with the video paused.

How was she supposed to remain immune to him? That’s what she’d never been able to understand about Lance. How could you not like a man who didn’t know how to cook, hated Christmas, but was willing to go online and watch videos to learn how to bake Christmas cookies for a woman in need?

“Here, Auntie Erin,” Ryan said, handing her a glob of dough. “You have to make it into candy cane shapes.”

As she got closer, she realized that they had white and red dough that they were making into ropes and then twisting into a candy cane shape.

“Candy cane cookies?” she asked. “I haven’t had these in ages.”

“You used to make these cookies—”

When we were married. At least that’s what Erin thought Lance was about to say. He used to tell her that they were his favorite cookies. His grandmother had made them for him. And Erin, wanting to do something nice for him, had made them. Personally she’d never liked them. But she’d always made them for Lance. She hadn’t made them since their divorce. There wasn’t any point given that Lance had been the only one who’d liked them. She should have known this would have been his default choice. It just hadn’t occurred to her how much that choice would affect her.

It was strange, remembering the simple thing she’d done for him to put that look of happiness on his face. He might not understand the big deal about Christmas but, for Erin, the big deal, at least in terms of why all this meant so much to her, was that there was nothing like the expression of joy on someone’s face when they realized that you’d taken the time to think of them and do something special for them.

Erin, who had spent so much of her life as the middle child, not being noticed in the same way as her siblings, liked to make sure everyone felt noticed. Important. And Christmas was the perfect time to show people in very special ways what they meant to her.

Lance might think her vision of the perfect Christmas was silly, but he’d never been as sentimental as she was.

While she had never intended for Lance to remain a part of her holiday traditions, God had him there for a reason. Even though she hadn’t been able to think of any sort of peace he might need from her or she from him, obviously God had something different in mind for this holiday season. She just prayed that whatever it was, when her sisters returned and life was back to normal, it wouldn’t hurt so much to say goodbye to Lance again.