Оглавление
Daniel Ford. Don't Touch the Nuts
DON’T. TOUCH THE. NUTS
DON’T. TOUCH THE. NUTS
DANIEL FORD
CONTENTS
INTRODUCTION
THE WHITE HART OR THE COUNTRY SQUIRE? Which pub is for you?
1. The Local
2. Inner-city pubs
3. Harbour pubs
4. Country pubs
5. Gastropubs
6. Tourist pubs
7. Student pubs
8. JD Wetherspoons
‘HE’S NEXT…’ The rituals of queuing and buying a round. The queue
Buying rounds
‘TWO PINTS OF BITTER AND A LAGER TOP’ What does your drink say about you? Know what you want to drink
Choosing your drink
Normal lager
Strong lager
Bitter
Real ale
Shandy
Mild
Light and bitter or Light and lager
A bottle of beer
Cider
Guinness
Alcopops
Non-alcoholic beer
Soft drinks
Water
Tea or coffee
‘CAN I HAVE A STRAIGHT GLASS?’ Which glass to use for which drink. Different beer glasses
A personalised tankard
Straight glass
Bell-end glass
The giant bell-end
Jugs
The bottle
New for old?
Sending a pint back
‘THAT’S CHARLIE’S SEAT’ Old Boys and other locals. The Old Boy
Other pub characters
The blokes at the bar
The women at the bar
The amateur philosopher
The drinking couple
The canoodling couple
The suit
Mr Grumpy
The joker
The lone woman
The youngsters
WHERE TO SIT? The bar, the table, the beer garden?
Standing at the bar
On a stool at the bar
On a stool at a tall table
On a chair at a table
On a couch or armchair
On a bench in the beer garden
Standing in an awkward place that just irritates everyone
‘FANCY A GAME OF DARTS, MATE?’ Pub games, teams and quizzes. The Pub Quiz
Real pub games
10 of the Best Quiz Team Names
Sunday football teams
Quiz and fruit machines
DON’T TOUCH THE NUTS. Bar snacks and food. Food freebies
The Rules
Occasions other than Sunday when you can get free food are:
Buying snacks
Peanuts
Pork scratchings
Pickled eggs
Pepperami, sausage rolls, etc
Top 5 Pub Snacks
Pub meals
‘THIS IS MY GAFF!’ The guv’nor and bar staff. Guv’nors
The friendly guv’nor
The grumpy guv’nor
Bar staff
The grumpy ones
The enthusiastic beginner
The old hand
The tourist guide
The Aussie/Kiwi
The Pole/Lithuanian/Estonian
‘FREE BEER TOMORROW’ The baffling world of pub style. Pub Types
The old-style traditional pub
The refurb
The modern
JD Wetherspoons
Wine bars
Traditional Pub Accessories
Foreign notes and coins on the wall
A newspaper cutting
A ‘funny’ sign
10 Favourite Pub Signs
Photos of locals in various states of undress, fancy dress and drunkenness
Some evidence of community
A collection bottle
‘THIS ONE’S FOR LOUISE’ Music in pubs. Jukeboxes
The Basic Rules
Sing-songs
Girls’ (women are ‘girls’ in pubs when it comes to groups and singing) sing-song choices:
Boys’ (same story as above) sing-song choices:
Dancing
Staring into your glass songs
Songs to sing to the barmaid
Songs to be played every night in the traditional boozer
Songs to be played every night in a slightly younger boozer
‘EXCUSE ME MATE, I CAN’T SEE THE GAME’ Pubs and sport
THE TOILETS. The rules of the gents’ and ladies’ Chatting in the gents’
The urinals
If there is only one urinal and it is being used:
If there are two urinals and both are free:
If there are two urinals and one is being used:
If there are three urinals and they are all free:
If there are three urinals and they are being used:
Women’s toilets
Breaking the seal
Number twos
SMOKERS. Standing out in the cold
‘NICE RACK, DARLING’ Barmaids and boobs
The quiet approach
The completely brazen approach
The brazen opener, with the quiet approach follow-up
The rules for women
‘WASH YOOUR NEEM?’ Drunks and drunkenness. Pub drunks
Trying to work out what he is saying
Trying to get the drunk to talk about more than one thing
Taking the piss
Spilling drinks
Fighting in pubs
Stage One
Stage Two
Stage Three
Stage Four
‘TIME, GENTLEMEN, PLEASE’ Last orders and home time
Stage One
Stage Two
Stage Three
Stage Four
Stage Five
Stage Six
Stage Seven
