Читать книгу Breaking Through the Clouds - Dannie Gregg - Страница 4

More often than not, a journey begins where another ends. Though we don’t usually recognize these changes, we are often concluding and birthing new adventures throughout our lives. I was not aware that my life was changing when I met Jordan, and I never knew that I could walk where Jesus would eventually call me. In fact, I never really knew what walking with Jesus even was, but that is the beauty of a journey - you really don’t have to know where you’re going to be changed by every step.

Jordan and I met in 2006 when I was nineteen years old. Jordan was only twenty-one at the time, but already had a two-year-old son named Cason. Almost immediately, we became inseparable, even to the point that, after a few short weeks, I moved in with Jordan and Cason. We both worked full-time jobs and tried to make a life together as best we knew how.

Learning how to be a couple was a longer process than we might have expected. At first we had love, but that was about it. We were young, so we didn’t have much in the way of money, time, communication, patience, or any of the other things you need to make a healthy relationship. In fact, when I look back on that time, I am amazed that we were able to stand each other at times.

In my early years, my mom had been in a very abusive relationship with my biological father. She wasn’t allowed to work, wear what she wanted, or go anywhere without his approval. This kind of domination and devastating relationship was what helped to form a strong and determined spirit within my mother when she left him. I saw how she displayed this kind of strength and independence, and I equated it with freedom. I saw how my biological father had held her down, and understood why she would no longer allow anyone to make decisions for her. I never thought that such independence could ever play a negative role in my own relationships.

It took a great deal of determination to get out of the abuse she had been in, and it was primarily out of love for her three children that she left our biological father. My mom struggled to provide for us the year she was a single mother, but we never went without. There were times when she didn’t take for herself so that she could give to us. I was attracted to this display of strength and dignity that seemed so natural to her. She showed me how a loving mother will sacrifice for her children.

Shortly after leaving my biological father, my mom met Kendel. He, too, had been in a previous relationship that left him both hurt and a single father. After Kendel married my mother, he adopted all three of us and devoted himself to being a great father.

I loved having Kendel around as my dad. He worked full-time and did all he could to help around the house. My dad didn’t yell much; he was always so accepting and loving. He loved to tease his kids and was always up for a joke. He was sweet and patient and the one parent you wanted to come to school if you got into trouble. If mom showed up, you were dead meat, but dad was gentle. I don’t know if it was because of the previous relationship that he had been in, or if it was the fact that he had already been raising a daughter, but there was something soft in the way he dealt with us. He knew the necessity of discipline and raising good children, but we would much rather be in trouble with dad than mom.

My parents made sure to remind us that we were siblings. Not step, no favorites, just brothers and sisters, equal. They expected us to treat each other as though we were flesh and blood and that meant a lot. We were encouraged to love each other as much as possible and see to it that our family was the most important relationship that we had.

Since my mom had been through so much, she gradually assumed the role of head of home in our new family. She made most of the decisions, planning, cleaning, etc. She was the strongest person I knew, who could work a full time job, run a household, and still find time to enjoy life. I often thought that a Super Woman Award should have gone to her.

The strength that I saw in my mother was something that I aspired to have. I wanted to be a strong woman and I wanted to be respected. Whether in the home or at work, I wanted people to know that I was in charge and I was not to be trifled with. I also assumed the role of decision maker when any opportunity was presented.

So when the time came to make decisions for Jordan, I was already trained to be the boss. I stepped in and made sure that my presence was felt. I was demanding and I barked orders left and right. Jordan was never to mention that I might be wrong because he would just get a lecture on how I was right. Even if I realized I was wrong, I would never let him know. I would either hide my mistake or blame him when it all blew up in my face.

At times, I even used Jordan’s past for an excuse as to why he shouldn’t make decisions. I loved Jordan, but I never saw him as a man who could make his own decision because he had already made so many bad decisions in the past. So even when I didn’t really think my plan was the best, I didn’t allow him to make a decision because there was no way I was going to trust someone else with my future. I was acting like his parent not his partner. Even in instances where I enjoyed what I did, I would never let myself think I was doing it to serve Jordan or Cason. I did it to improve their lives because my way was best.

For example, through the first few years of living together, the house was always a mess. I hated to clean the house when Jordan and I were there because I wanted to spend time with him - not cleaning. I did most of my cleaning when he was at work, but it would make me so mad when he would not pick up after himself.

When it was just Cason and him, he kept the house relatively clean, but after we had been dating a while, it was like he just expected me to start doing it all. Being the person that I was, I saw this assumption on his part as a shot at my independence. Also, when he cleaned, it was never really clean and I would have to do it all over again.

So my excuse for the house being a wreck every day was that I had to work to pay my own way in this world. I had to be an independent woman and there was no time at the end of a busy day to be cleaning some house. Besides, Jordan and Cason were the reason the house was messy in the first place. Maybe they should be the ones to clean it up. And hey, I was the pretty young thing that made the world go around for this man and his son. He should just be grateful that I lived in this busted old house.

(Maybe I wasn’t that mean, but when I look back on things, maybe I was.)

At the time, Jordan worked on farming irrigation wells. This job was a great way for him to express himself and to get to work in an industry that suited him. He was outside all day and he loved to interact with the farmers he served. However, there was no real schedule that he had to follow. So my view was, if he was a little late to work one day, it didn’t really matter because he didn’t have some boss breathing down his neck about tardiness. So morning duty was all his. He could get Cason ready for school and get some breakfast made while I got my last little bit of sleep before work.

Also, I hated to cook, so I told Jordan I couldn’t cook. That way he would cook dinner every night after he got off work. It was funny to watch him make us steak and potatoes for us, but warm up some mini corn dogs for Cason. Of course, being the decision maker that I was, I stepped in and told Jordan that Cason was old enough to learn to eat something other than corn dogs and mac-n-cheese.

After a couple of weeks of noticing the clothes Jordan picked out for Cason to wear to school, I knew I needed to save the day. I just couldn’t take it. So I started to buy Cason’s clothes and dress him in the mornings. The funny thing is, I really enjoyed taking care of Cason. He was so cute after I got done with him. Sleeves rolled half way up, his hair was cut and fixed, and I took him out of those hideous light-up shoes with cartoon characters on them!

At night, I started to give Cason his baths and realized he didn’t know how to do anything but play in the tub. By the time he was four, Cason could completely wash himself. It made me proud to watch him grow and be independent.

To be honest, I think that the root of all this domination was that I didn’t want to rely on anyone but myself. If I trusted someone else, or if I allowed someone else to make a decision for me, I might be hurt by that decision. Or worse, I might be under someone. I might be less than someone else, and that was something I was simply not willing to do. Even if it cost me the man I loved, I wasn’t going to be walked on. Not by anyone.

I’m sure you are wondering what was wrong with Jordan. Why would he stay with a crazy control-freak like me?

In reality, he was the strongest one of all, because he was so patient with me during all this. Like me, he didn’t know what a real relationship should be, partly because of the relationships he had in the past and partly because we were both so young and still trying to figure out who we were and even who we wanted to be.

I also think he was really thankful to have a woman in his life. Someone who cared enough to pay attention to his child and someone he loved to be around. We really did love each other; we were just really bad at showing it.

Even though we had no idea how to be a functioning couple, we did know how to laugh and play. We could enjoy ourselves when we got away much better than when we were at home. For this reason, we looked for any opportunity to get out of the house, especially on weekends and holidays.

Jordan was a little redneck, country boy who liked to shoot guns off his front porch, drive circles around the house on ATV’s or jump in his bronco to chase rabbits. He liked mudding and anything else that you can only do when nobody is around for miles.

Jordan had a knack for bringing home anything he thought was interesting. At one point in our tiny little backyard, we had a cow, three dogs, a cat, four chickens, and a goat. As odd as that may sound to you, it really became normal for us. I grew accustomed to discovering a new thing every week. I was really glad when the “treasure” he brought home wasn’t alive, but the live ones tended to be the more interesting things we owned. He even liked hoeing weeds in the yard.

Weird, right?

I remember how he did this every summer night after supper. He would just grab the hoe and start stabbing at weeds in the yard while we talked, sometimes for hours. I really enjoyed those conversations. It was the only time I allowed Jordan to say what he was thinking and I really listened.

Jordan taught me how to shoot guns and I had grown to love it. He taught me to hunt and it was great fun to spend that time together. Jordan loved to do anything that seemed remotely redneck, so I quickly learned to enjoy them too.

When the weekend came, we would load up and visit family, go hunting, or anything else that made us feel free, but to be honest, church was never a part of that picture. We wanted to do the kinds of things that allowed us to let go of all the things that bogged us down, and quite frankly, the thought of sitting in a stuffy church and getting told how much of a sinner I was just didn’t fit the mold.

We worked hard to be a family and worked hard to become the kind of people we thought we wanted to be, but we never felt like that old rent house was going to be home. It served as a shelter, it provided a place for us to return to at the end of the day, but it was never home and that’s what we wanted. We wanted the kind of home that you never wanted to leave, the kind of home that made the stress of the day just melt away, and the kind of home where our kids, even though we only had one at the time, could grow. We wanted the home of our dreams.

But the home of our dreams was a little different from what most people think. We didn’t want a house in the suburbs. We didn’t want a mansion on a hill somewhere. We didn’t want that big city life. We wanted the kind of home that fit our personalities. We were a little different from most people and what we were looking for in a house would be a little different too.

Finding a home that was as unique as we were, as well as a place where we could be the people we wanted to be and live the lives we wanted to live seemed like a tall order. We really didn’t know where to start, because there are so few places available in the area where we were living. The fact that so many of the existing homes are family-owned farm houses made it seem to be an insurmountable task.

So, in an effort to find the perfect home, we sat down and made a list of all the things we wanted in a house, so eventually, it could become our home. The list was almost like a penny dropped into a fountain. It was a wish upon a wish. It was almost like our own little “Happily Ever After” scenario. We thought if we could just get these things, we might stop fighting.

The List looked a little like this:

•Small community

•Outside the city limits

•Big enough we could grow into the house

•A little land where we could play

•A country feel without being too far removed from the convenience of the city

•And it’s gotta have trees!

“Not a bad goal!” I thought.

The “trees” part was going to be hard to get done. We were in West Texas where trees only grow when you plant them, but I was undeterred! We set out to look for the wonderful home we had pictured in our dreams so many times before. We started in all the usual places. We looked in newspapers, periodicals, the internet, and contacted every family connection we had to try to find that perfect house, but after months of looking, we couldn’t quite find what we were looking for.

We did find a house that met most of our goals and we even put in an offer. We waited and waited to hear back from the seller, but when we did, the news wasn’t good. We were discouraged, to say the least, but we kept looking. We saw several other houses over the next few weeks, but nothing suited us. Nothing felt like home.

Then one day, kind of out of the blue, Jordan got a call from one of his grandmother’s friends. Her name was Nadine and her family had been in the area for decades, just like Jordan’s had. Nadine reached out to Jordan and told him that they were considering moving in to the city because of her husband’s failing health, and to do so, they would have to sell their home. This home hadn’t even been put on the market, yet and we were excited to take a look. We jumped into the car and took the short drive to see the house. As we drove, I tried not to get my hopes up, but I couldn’t help wondering if we were driving to see our home for the first time.

We passed through the little town of Ropesville, Texas, and continued on the highway for another three miles. By the time we got to the house, we were only about fifteen miles from Lubbock, a city of almost a quarter million people. We turned off the big highway and crossed the train tracks to see a large brick house. As we drove across the three-acre pecan orchard, I was stunned to see two more giant mulberry trees in the back yard.

It was like someone took the list off our kitchen table and painted a picture of what I wanted. I was so excited to see the house, the trees, and the wide-open space, that I hardly heard Jordan mutter something about how nice the shop was in the back.

“Shop? Who cares about a shop when you have all these trees!” I thought.

As we walked into the house, it got even better. The house had two large living rooms that were separated by a wall of windows. The first bedroom we came to had wood paneling on the wall, and it had its own bathroom inside the room. The bathroom had a stand up shower, sink with a cabinet below, and toilet.

The second bedroom had white walls and was huge. I figured I could fit two twin beds and still have over half the room for playing. It also had a built-in window seat. I thought about how I could have someone make a cushioned seat for it. It would make a very nice reading spot. I could imagine our children laughing and playing in this room, even though we only had Cason at the time. I could hear their little voices and it got me even more excited.

This was an older model home, so everything had that look, but it had a wonderful structure and we knew we could make simple changes to make it our own. The carpet through the whole house, even in bathrooms, was white and didn’t have a single stain. That made me nervous with these messy boys, but I just pushed the idea of grease and dirt stains to the back of my mind and focused on how beautiful this house was.

As we walked through the house, I was so surprised at how big it really was. Room after room and they all had their unique quality to them. Even the laundry room was special because it had two sets of cabinets, a large walk-in closet, and access to the basement, which was very small, and used primarily as a storage room and as a storm shelter.

The kitchen was moderately sized, but more than enough for our family. It had an island/bar that came off the fireplace, which separated the kitchen and the dining area. The dining area and the main living room were combined.

There was a back room that they called their sunroom. I wasn’t really sure what a sunroom was used for, so I just called it our second living room. The sunroom had floor to ceiling windows all the way around. The only gap in the windows was the back door, which opened to the substantial yard.

In the back yard were those beautiful mulberry trees I saw from the front.

“This would be my office,” I thought. “I will raise our children and it will be my favorite place to have them. I could just sit under these massive trees and enjoy the perfection of this place. ”

Jordan finally got me to come back inside by telling me that we still hadn’t seen the master bedroom. I snapped back to reality and hurried back in to catch up with the others.

When I got to the master bedroom, I didn’t want to leave. The master bedroom was twice the size of the other bedrooms. They had a king-size bed and a twin bed and a couch all in this bedroom and I could still make my way around. It had his and her sinks and closets. The bathroom even had a tub and shower that were separate. I was in a fantasyland. I’m sure everyone could see how much I wanted the house, so Jordan wasted no time and started haggling over the price. We arrived at a deal that made us both happy and I knew my search was over. I had found the house I wanted. All we had to do now was turn this house into our home.