Читать книгу Something Old, Something New - Darcie Boleyn - Страница 14

Chapter Five

A World of Pain

I wanted to wear my baggy old joggers but Cassie wouldn’t allow it. She had a slightly larger pair of Lycra running pants and a sports bra and she made me change into them. They almost fit, although I have serious side-boob coming out of the bra’s armpits. Cassie’s only concession was letting me put my t-shirt back on over the bra, so at least half of me is covered up, although I’m really not happy with the way that these trousers cling to my bum and thighs; it’s like wearing a full-body corset and I’m almost afraid to move in case I burst a seam.

However, Cassie forces me out the door and we walk briskly to the local park where Vlad is meeting us. My stomach churns in a mess of fear and apprehension. What if Vlad isn’t happy that Cassie has brought along her neighbour? What if I’m so unfit that I have some sort of attack during the workout that renders me helpless? My children need me. How would they manage if I wasn’t there to care for them and to earn a living? What if I’m as bad at this as I was at PE during my own school days?

Then another thought overpowers the others: Why am I so worried about a stupid workout session? It might actually be fun.

‘Come on, Annie!’ Cassie scolds, taking hold of my arm and leading me through the gates into the pre-spring confines of the park. I notice that the warning sign about letting dogs off their leads hangs at an angle on the fence, so the black silhouette dog looks like it’s doing a circus trick by balancing on its nose. I snigger. No letting your dog do circus tricks in the park or you face a possible fine of up to one thousand pounds. I can’t imagine Dragon managing to get up on his big squishy nose unless he overexerted himself sniffing the ground after Fairy Princess had done a wee.

‘Is that him?’ I ask, swallowing hard against the lump that lodges in my throat when I spy a giant Adonis up ahead. He’s so gorgeous that I swear the sun is actually breaking through the clouds above his head and filtering down upon him to make him glow like some kind of spirit. But this man is no apparition; he is clearly, undeniably, evidently, one hundred percent flesh and bone. So much hard male flesh and muscle. Cassie follows my pointing finger and nods.

‘Oh yes, that is Vlad.’ She quickly pulls a compact out of her cleavage and applies some lipstick. How on earth did she fit the mirror and lipstick in there? She notices me staring in confusion and winks. ‘It’s the implants, honey. They cradle anything, even a big, hard…’ My cheeks flame as she winks again. For a moment, as we approach Vlad, I ponder the sex act she referred to and wonder if it’s possible. Apart from a few high school fumbles, there was only ever Dex and our very tame and infrequent sex life – which confused me at the time but was understandable when he finally came out – and before him, Evan. Sex with Dex was quick and quiet but sex with Evan was so…

I can’t think about it right now. I shouldn’t think about it.

Ever.

Vlad is huge and as we stand before him I have to force my mouth shut. I mean, gaping like an idiot would not go down well. At all. But, just, wow! I take him in from his cropped honey blond hair to his strong square jaw, his tree trunk thick neck to his shoulders the width of a Chevy bonnet, then down his muscular arms which bulge out from a tight black t-shirt.

I only stop staring because someone is saying my name.

I blink.

And again.

‘Annie!’ It’s Cassie.

‘Uh… yeah?’ I lick my lips and drag my attention away from Vlad to meet my friend’s curious gaze.

‘I just introduced you to Vlad. Say hello.’ She gestures at him and as I turn to look at him again and meet his twinkling eyes, my cheeks fill with heat. He holds out a hand the size of a spade and I shake it. His grip is vice-like and I realise that he could snap me like a twig. He reminds me of a Viking as he stands before me, all raw masculinity, bulging biceps and energy. It occurs to me that it’s been a long time since I’ve ogled a man and I quite like it. Standing before him I feel womanly, I feel good, I feel… alive.

‘Annie, I am pleased to meet you.’ His English is gently accented and it makes me think of Bond villains. Why does he have to be a villain though? His eyes are kind. He has a nice smile. But a villain has that naughty sex appeal I guess. ‘Cassie says you want to get fit?’ He eyes my less-than-toned frame and my blush deepens.

‘Well, I guess I could use some toning up,’ I say. Understatement of the century.

‘You have a good shape, Annie.’ His smile broadens but he’s not mocking me. The heat in my cheeks subsides a little at his warm tone. ‘Plenty of potential.’

I nod graciously. He said I had a good shape and potential. I glance at Cassie and flash her a victorious smile. See! I’m not so bad after all. She returns my smile in her usual magnanimous way, evidently just pleased to have me along for the ride. When I return my gaze to Vlad again, I catch a softening in his expression as he looks at Cassie, but it quickly disappears and I wonder if I actually saw it at all.

‘First thing we’ll do is a gentle walk to warm up.’ Vlad gestures at the path that circles the park’s green. The grass is short and neat but the trees are bare and the landscape still has that bleak winter appearance. The twigs and branches stretch towards the sky like dark gnarled fingers and they make me feel glad that winter is behind us and that spring lies ahead. As we set off, arms swinging gently with Vlad leading the way, I allow myself to imagine how I will look by the summer after six months of fitness. When the flowers bloom in the hedgerows and the birds sing in their chick-filled nests, I will be toned and tanned from my active time outdoors. My hair will be shiny, my skin flawless, my tummy flat and my breasts and bottom high and firm. I will be happy, and possibly dating, and maybe I’ll even have quit teaching! And I will, of course, be twenty-one again!

Never going to happen…

I walk faster, determined to make some sort of a difference to my physique, even if I can’t turn back the clock.

‘Not too quickly, Annie,’ Vlad says, catching my upper arm in his hand. His fingers curl around my limb as mine would around a pen. A man this big can make even the curviest woman feel small and feminine. A flash of something hot curls in my abdomen and I shiver. Was that lust? It’s been so long since I felt it that I’m actually unsure. I smile at him and slow my pace, trying to figure out what it is that I’m feeling. But before I can figure it out, he releases me then walks instead at my side. ‘Now to get you loosened up!’ He points at the patchy winter-damaged grass and Cassie and I follow him into the centre.

We spend the next half an hour copying Vlad as he stretches and flexes, contorting his huge frame into a variety of poses that make me think about the Kama Sutra. I can’t help it. But instead of picturing Vlad with me in those poses, my mind drifts to Evan and the time we bought a copy of the flexy sex guide from a flea market then rushed back to his student lodgings to try it out. We’d ended up in fits of giggles as we contorted our sweaty bodies into a variety of positions before going on to have amazingly intimate lovemaking. I try to push the thoughts away but when Vlad decides to help me get into the downward dog while standing behind me, his fingers firmly gripping my hips, I find I’m hot all over and it startles me. I jump up and take a few steps away from him then shake myself out.

‘Wow! I’m beat.’ I stretch my neck and legs, trying not to meet his eyes. Cassie seems oblivious to my suffering as she elongates her limbs then curls herself into shapes that remind me of letters of the alphabet. Is she spelling out a word? Was that an F then a U then… I shake my head. The woman is incorrigible.

‘Okay, ladies. Good session so far. Now I’d like you to both run around the park twice.’ I stare at him blankly. ‘It’s so I can make a note of how long it takes you, Annie. Then we can measure your improvement over the next few sessions.’

‘Of course!’ I reply.

‘Following your run, we’ll cool you down before we call it quits for the day.’

Roll on quits!

I almost cry because he wants me to run. I’m already tired and sweaty, although it possibly has more to do with remembered lust than with exertion. Perhaps a run will ease some of the frustration – that I didn’t realise I was feeling until I came to the stupid park with my puppy-eyed friend and her super-fit and sweet personal trainer.

There’s nothing to do other than get on with it. So I do.

Cassie and I jog gently to the path then follow it round but soon I am running solo as she pulls away and disappears into the distance. I am pounding the ground, conscious of the pain in my chest and the burning in my legs but willing myself to keep going. Focus on your breathing. Don’t think about how long it will be until you reach the end… of the first lap. Keep going. Come on, Annie, you can do this. Am I so terribly unfit that half a lap of the park can cause me so much pain? Each step is agony as my lungs threaten to burst and my calves ache, as heavy as if my trainers were made of lead.

Then Cassie laps me and, bizarrely, tears sting my eyes – but it spurs me on. I dig deep into my reserves and push onwards, even though I know I will pay for this later and even though it hurts so badly that my muscles are all on fire. I think of all I have been through in my lifetime, of all I have done and achieved. I’m a strong, independent woman; of course I can run around the park. Of course I can do this. But my body believes otherwise.

I glance across the grass to Vlad and find that he is staring at me, watching me go – like a high school coach in one of those tearjerker movies. It gives me a boost because this isn’t just about me any more and I push onwards, continuously checking if he’s still watching me. And he is! He is waving at me now, swinging both arms above his head and mouthing something. He is cheering me on. He already believes in me and my ability to do this. I can do this; I can complete the lap. I am not a thirty-something woman past her prime. I am young and strong and healthy with so much ahead of me.

Suddenly, Cassie has joined Vlad and they both wave and point. Why are they pointing? Has one of my boobs popped right out or have I split the running trousers?

And then I can wonder no more because I am flying through the air, soaring across the path, and I land with a heavy and graceless thud, face down in a pile of dirty leaves. For a moment I lie there, frozen and winded, wondering what on earth has happened.

I suck in a deep and noisy breath and gasp at the rolling pain in my gut that’s making me feel nauseous.

What happened? Did I trip over a shoelace or my own foot?

Before I can move, I am lifted to my feet by strong hands and Vlad is before me, his blue eyes full of concern as he scans my face. I feel woozy and wobbly, as if my legs could give way at any moment, but a noise breaks though the din in my ears. A loud, persistent noise that makes me want to apologise and stamp my foot all at once, as if I am twelve again. It is Cassie I can hear and I turn gingerly to the sound of her angry voice. She is shouting at a teenage boy who stands before her hanging his head. His cheeks are crimson and he seems close to tears. The mother in me experiences a wave of compassion for him. What has he done that would cause my dear friend to reprimand him so severely?

Then I see it.

Next to him, there is a bouncing black Labrador pup with shiny fur and big brown eyes. As Cassie continues her tirade, the boy kneels and puts a lead on the dog. Even when he rises again, he keeps his head bowed and stares at the ground. The blush in his cheeks deepens and I am certain that should a sinkhole appear at his side, he would jump in. The teenager has evidently committed the cardinal sin in this park; he let his dog off the lead. No circus tricks permitted here. Yet I realise that I have performed my own version of clown-like acrobatics and even landed on my nose, which actually feels rather sore. I do hope it’s not broken.

‘We were trying to get your attention,’ Vlad explains as he gently sits me on a bench and checks me over. His ministrations are tender and bring foolish tears to my eyes. He lifts the legs of my borrowed running trousers and checks my knees, tutting as he dabs at one with a tissue. ‘That boy let the dog off its lead, in spite of the park’s rules, and it ran straight at you. I thought you’d seen it but you kept running and it was too late for Cassie or me to save you.’ He reaches up and touches the bridge of my nose. ‘It’s grazed but not broken. You were lucky.’

I watch his blond head shaking, and wipe at my stinging eyes with the back of my hand. It comes away brown and smelly and it dawns on me that I am covered in mud and rotten leaves. There I was, thinking that Vlad and Cassie were encouraging me and admiring my efforts, when in fact they were trying to warn me to watch out for the excitable puppy.

‘What’s that old saying?’ I ask Vlad as I sniff, keen to lessen the drama of the situation. He looks like he feels bad and it’s not his fault. ‘No pain, no gain?’

He offers a wan smile. ‘I was very worried, Annie. I thought you would be seriously hurt.’

‘I’m okay.’ I shrug. ‘I guess I’ll have a few bruises but I’m better off than that young man over there.’ I nod in Cassie’s direction and Vlad laughs.

‘Yes, Cassie is reprimanding him severely.’ That softening occurs again as he watches her and I realise that this man is fond of my close friend. Cassie has an amazing effect on the opposite sex, kind of like a modern day Marilyn Monroe. They drool over her, they hang on her every word, they send her flowers and take her to expensive restaurants and on luxurious holidays. But they never last. I’m sure that it’s Cassie pushing them away, that she’s too fussy, always finding things wrong with them. I suspect that she’s scared of actually falling for one of them and getting hurt, of suffering the pain of loss again. ‘I bet he’ll have nightmares tonight,’ he adds.

‘Yes I bet he will,’ I reply. ‘Because right now he’s going through a world of pain.’

Vlad helps me to my feet and places a warm arm around my shoulders. I barely reach his chest as I hobble along beside him. He is big and hard and strong beside me and he smells of fresh air and some spicy undertone, like a forest in winter. He’s also very nice. He has a kindness in his demeanour, and his size and appearance belie what I sense hides underneath. I could be wrong, but Vlad seems like one of the good ones. It has been a long time since I’ve had a man’s hands on me or a man’s arm around me. But I’m convinced that this man wants to put his arms around my best friend. I just hope I’m right and that he is a good one, because if Cassie allows herself to get to know him properly, perhaps he could finally be the one for her.

****

An hour later, I am soaking in the tub surrounded by fragrant bubbles. The water is hot, but not too hot. My knees are bent because it stings too much to soak my grazes but the rest of my aching flesh is immersed up to my neck. The house is calm and quiet as the children are all occupied in the lounge. Janis is reading whilst keeping an eye on her siblings, Henry is watching some documentary about crazy cats and Anabelle is colouring. I sink lower in the tub and let the water lap at my ear lobes.

Yes, I can relax.

Until a phone starts ringing somewhere in the house. It is a muffled sound at first until I sit up and the water runs off my slick skin. I try to remain relaxed, to retain my sense of calm, but I know that my bath has come to a premature conclusion. This always happens. Whatever time of the day or night I decide to have a soak, a phone will ring, someone will knock on the door, one of the dogs will throw up on the carpet, a child will cry or someone will need a poo.

I listen carefully until I hear Janis padding up the stairs. The bathroom door swings open and her head appears.

‘Mum?’

‘Yes.’

‘Sorry to disturb you but it’s Dad. He wants to Skype us now.’

‘Now?’ I wipe my hand across my top lip, which is moist with sweat.

‘Yes.’

‘Can he wait twenty minutes?’

‘Dad, can you wait twenty minutes?’ she says into her mobile. She goes quiet and I strain to hear his reply. ‘No, sorry, Mum. He says he has a business dinner in an hour so he has to speak to us now.’

‘Oh okay.’ I quickly wash then heave myself out of the tub as Janis goes into her room to set up her laptop. I towel off the ends of my hair then pull on my fluffy white towelling robe. If we’re quick, I can get back into the bath before the water cools.

I head into Janis’ room and see that she’s already speaking to Evan. Her laptop is on her desk and she’s sitting on her chair in front of it, so I perch on the bed behind her.

‘Mum’s here now.’ Janis tells Evan. I peer around her shoulder and see my ex on the screen. I take in his handsome tanned face, his sparkling eyes like the ocean with their blue-green hue, and his dark hair still so thick and shiny. These days he wears it short, the shoulder length curls are long gone, but I can still recall how it felt to run my fingers through them. I can remember how good his full lips felt as they met mine and…

‘Hey Annie!’ His face lights up and I feel myself flush. Being around Vlad today must’ve stirred some dormant part of me.

‘Hey Evan. So what’s up?’

‘Just wondering how my two favourite girls are.’

I shake my head. He always was a charmer. ‘Yeah, yeah. What’s so important that it couldn’t wait until I’d finished my bath?’ I pat my damp hair and his smile broadens.

‘Sorry. Didn’t mean to disturb you. I just wanted to run something by you.’

‘Okay–’

‘Janis, could I speak to Mum alone for a moment?’

‘But Dad, you’ve only just called.’ She pouts and I see him falter.

‘It won’t take long angel, I promise.’

‘Okay. Speak soon.’ She blows him a kiss then leaves the room. I wait until I hear her reach the bottom of the stairs.

‘Annie?’

‘Yes.’

‘Are you wearing a bathrobe?’ Two pink circles appear on his cheeks.

I roll my eyes. ‘I didn’t have time to dress.’ I peer at myself in the bottom of the screen but realise that he can only see my shoulders and head. ‘Come on Evan, what’s so important that you had to interrupt my bath?’

‘Well, like I said in my text, I’ve been thinking about Janis’ birthday and I’ve had a few ideas.’

‘Go on.’

‘Annie, what’ve you done to your nose?’

‘What?’

‘Is that a graze?’ He peers at me from the screen.

I touch the bridge of my nose carefully. ‘Yes. I… uh… tripped today in the park. Long story.’ I wave my hand dismissively, not wanting to share the finer details of my embarrassing fall with Evan, and I realise that I don’t want to tell him about Vlad either. ‘So what was your idea for Janis?’

‘Well, as it’s her eighteenth, I thought we could do something special. As a family, perhaps.’

‘With Henry and Anabelle?’ I hope that he isn’t about to propose anything that doesn’t include my youngest children. We come as a package.

‘Absolutely! I wouldn’t be so callous as to leave them out, Annie.’

‘Of course not.’ I’m so defensive where the children are concerned sometimes and I’m terrified of anything hurting them. I let out a slow breath. ‘So?’

‘How about an all-expenses-paid trip to New York?’

‘New York?’ I am filled at once with delight and confusion. I have always wanted to go to Manhattan but never had the opportunity. ‘How would we…’

He leans closer to the screen. ‘I have to go there in May for a company meeting at the Waldorf and they’re putting me up there for a week. Families are allowed.’ He grins at me and looks just as innocent and enthusiastic as he did when he was eighteen.

Families? ‘When exactly in May?’

‘The second week.’

‘Ah.’ My heart sinks. He’s still the same old Evan in so many ways, forgetting the crucial factors that rule our lives. ‘We can’t do that week.’

‘What? Why not?’ His dark brows form a frown and his sunny expression is clouded by doubt.

‘School.’

‘What?’

‘You know, the place where I work and where the children go. And Janis has college and exams.’

‘But Annie, surely you can miss a few days for the trip of a lifetime? I thought it was half-term around then anyway.’ His cheeks darken.

I shake my head. ‘We can’t all bunk off school. Some of us have commitments.’

He rubs a hand over his face and sighs. ‘I know you have commitments, Annie. Believe it or not, everyone has commitments of some sort or another. But this is a great opportunity for the children to see one of the best cities in the world. You wouldn’t have to pay anything; the company would cover all costs. It would mean so much to me to have Janis… and you guys… there. We could celebrate her special birthday in style.’

Celebrate. Typical Evan. His life seems to be all about living it up and visiting fancy places, about meeting with movie directors and game developers. He has no idea what it’s like to have a normal job with normal worries. Of course, he spends most of his life on the other side of the world, far away from his child and ex-wife, so how could he understand? ‘It sounds fabulous Evan, it really does, but it’s a no from me.’

He sits back and folds his arms across his chest and I know that I’ve hurt him with my refusal to be drawn into his enthusiasm. The bridge of my nose throbs and it makes my eyes water. As I watch him, I am reminded of how I used to feel when we argued, even over petty things like the washing up. He’s a good guy but he’s impulsive at times and I just can’t be like that. We are so very different, yet I wonder how it would feel to be the one who could act without regard for consequences or fears of the future. To be light and free to act upon a whim. Sometimes I wish I could let go, I honestly do, but the idea of losing control terrifies me.

‘So this is a no because of your job, right?’ He unfolds his arms and steeples his fingers under his chin. I wonder if he’s about to psychoanalyse me.

‘That’s right and because the children have school.’

‘It would hardly hurt the younger two to miss a week, would it?’ He’s so persistent and I realise that this is the part of him that needs to be in control emerging.

‘That’s beside the point, Evan. Holidays during term time are frowned upon now. You’d know that if you were…’ I wince and grit my teeth. That was unfair. I was about to admonish him for not being a full-time parent, for not being here. I am hurled back in time to when he left. Janis was so young then; I’d tucked her into bed first and he read her a story. He’d packed his bags earlier that day when I’d taken her to the park, then hidden them in the small cupboard in the hall. My stomach churns as I picture those bags, filled with his things as we prepared to go our separate ways. After he’d kissed Janis goodnight, I followed him into the hallway and stood watching as he put on his coat and shoes. Everything in me was screaming out, insisting that I stop him, tell him that I loved him and that we could find a way to make it work. But I bit my lip until I tasted blood, believing it was for the best.

As he picked up his bags, he looked back at me and I saw my own pain reflected in his eyes. We had come together as kids – young, impulsive and bursting with dreams – but we’d been thrown into adulthood by getting pregnant. It changed everything and we drifted apart under the pressure. Just like my father’s death changed everything. Some things come along and change your life for the better. Some things change it for the worse. My father’s death cast a shadow over my childhood. Janis’ conception was a wonderful gift, but it came with a price. Yet there have been times over the years when I wondered if we made a mistake, if Evan and I could have worked it out. But it’s too late now.

‘You were going to say if I were there, as an everyday parent, weren’t you, Annie?’ Evan’s voice pulls me back to the present. His handsome face is blank and I search it for signs of how he’s feeling.

‘No. Yes. Uh… just, I can’t just pull the kids out of school whenever I feel like it.’

‘It’s always the same with you, Annie. You can’t relax your guard for one minute, can you?’

I sit up straight as anger fills me. So we’re back to that old argument are we? ‘Now look, Evan, I do have to hold the fort here, you know. I am responsible for three young lives, so I can’t just swan off whenever I feel like it to New York… or wherever else the fuck I feel like.’ Oh dear! I didn’t mean to swear but it seems that this man can get to me like no other; even after all these years. We have contact because of Janis but we also manage to avoid spending much time together when he comes over to the UK. It was like an unspoken agreement at first, that we try not to be in the same room for too long, and it just stayed that way. So a trip to New York together would probably be disastrous, even if it was during half-term. I don’t know what Evan was thinking.

‘Annie… all I’m saying is that you need to live a little now and then. Let your hair down.’

I take a deep breath and count to ten. ‘Evan, besides the fact that I cannot take the children away from their education, I have a steady job that I cannot walk away from. If I took a week off during term time, I would pay for it with my own blood!’ The faces of the school’s management team pop into my head and I shudder. Just the thought of trying to ask for leave of absence to go to New York, and that close to the pupils’ GCSE exams, brings me out in a cold sweat.

‘Oh don’t be so dramatic. I’m sure if you explained…’

I fight the urge to growl at the screen and instead dig my nails into my palms. ‘I cannot have days off work. The children cannot have days off school. Evan, I had to literally beg the head teacher last year just to get two hours off work to go to Henry’s Christmas play. She wasn’t happy about that and I’m sure she would have said no if she’d had a good enough reason. New York was a lovely idea but unless you can arrange it during school holidays then, as I said, it’s a no from me.’ I watch him slowly deflate so add, ‘I’m sorry.’

He looks unbearably sad and I am reminded of how he looked at me all those years ago when I told him that I couldn’t just strap our child to my back and travel the world as he carved out his career. Once Janis came along, she became my top priority. Evan was working all hours and I didn’t feel like his equal any more, because he was so determined to be the provider. It scared me, the thought of completely relying on him for everything, and what we had just eroded away.

‘Sorry again, Ev. Do you want me to get Janis?’

‘Not just yet. Wait a moment,’ he says. We stare at each other; miles between us, years of separation between us, a lifetime of hurt between us.

I get up to leave.

‘Annie!’ I turn back to face him and stare deep into his eyes, eyes that once made me dream of foreign beaches, fun and freedom, of a lifetime of happiness, contentment and love.

‘Yes?’

He opens his mouth but pauses and licks his lips. His eyes tell me a thousand things that he clearly cannot say. ‘Nothing. Just, take care. I’ll try to think of something else for Janis’ birthday. I didn’t tell her about this because I wanted to run it past you first.’

‘Okay. Speak soon.’ I smile briefly then leave the room and find Janis hovering at the top of the staircase, her face a picture of hope. I wonder how much she overheard. Hopefully very little, because who’d seem like the big bad mother in all of this?

I pop downstairs to check on Henry and Anabelle but they are immersed in competitive colouring with the dogs watching their every move. I hope that they remember to tidy up properly afterwards so that Dragon doesn’t eat their pencils again. As they are occupied, I seize the opportunity to creep back up the stairs to finish my bath. There is an ache in my chest that I blame on a pulled muscle and I’m hoping that the warm water will help to ease it away.

When I am immersed in the lukewarm water – the bubbles have long since disappeared – I surrender to my confusion. I do not like to argue with Evan; I never have. Splitting up was the right thing to do all those years ago because things just weren’t right between us, and we’ve managed to be very grown-up and civil for Janis’ sake.

But with Dex’s wedding on the horizon, I’m aware that for the first time in a long time, Evan and I will be forced to spend a considerable amount of time in the same room. And right now, that idea makes me feel rather uneasy.