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Chapter 2

25 minutes before

10.17 p.m. – The Bastard John’s bedroom, Lynn Street, March, England

It was dark in his bedroom and it smelt of sex, our sex, but I could just see enough to look at the deep-sleeping shape of the man who had once filled my heart with love. My naked body warm under his covers. His jet-black hair limp across his face. Looking at him I couldn’t believe that this man had once made me believe anything was possible. But as he mumbled something in his sleep, it felt like I was looking at somebody else.

I remembered how I used to stare at him, admiring how beautiful he was. There was no beauty in him anymore, just the shape of a person who mirrored my anger and shame. This man had stolen years of my life. I felt betrayed.

Foolishly I thought that he’d text me because the day before was my birthday. Special occasions had a funny impact on people, making them nostalgic and longing. I thought that was what had happened to John. But it was clear as soon as I arrived that he hadn’t remembered. That was okay. He was never good with remembering dates.

I thought that we were going to address his infidelity and I was expecting myself to forgive him and rekindle our love. I’d imagined he would sit me down on the bed, holding my hands. Candlelight throwing shadows across the walls as he told me how he regretted what had happened and that he loved me. I half dreamed he would then get on one knee and say he needed to spend the rest of his life righting his wrongs. And that he understood the pain that he had caused. He had been unfaithful to me for over a year – we both knew it; we also knew it would take nothing short of a miracle for us to recover, but I let myself dream we could.

Looking at him asleep, I couldn’t see how I’d let myself be so stupid for so long. Sex with him used to be about giving over fully, spirit and soul in perfect embrace, but it was clear I was just being used.

The night had started with us watching an old film. We were curled up on the sofa under a blanket as the opening credits rolled. I felt safe, I felt secure, and I felt it could be like it once was. I allowed myself to think that maybe, just maybe, things had changed. He had changed.

Now I know he had used the familiarity of an old film to get what he wanted. It had just been about sex, about primal need, and that sickened me. Still, at least he remembered I liked the old black and whites – surely that was something?

I wondered where it had gone so wrong and why we couldn’t we have a life more like those old movies? The ones where people fell in love. The ones where there would be some problem facing that love, whether it was someone else trying to block it or a class division, but love would always win. People didn’t lie in the black and white movies. They didn’t cheat either.

Thinking about them made me feel sad for their struggles and angry I was making my issues with John seem like the be-all and end-all.

Squeezing myself into my tight jeans, the ones that hugged my figure and made me feel attractive at the beginning of the evening and repulsive at the end, I searched for the shoes I had kicked off as things heated up. Quietly swearing to myself when I realized one was on the floor, painfully close to the bed. Holding my breath, I crouched to pick it up, his deep breathing suggesting it didn’t matter if I was there or not.

Taking one final look at his beautiful body, I knew there was no going back. Checking my train timetable app to see the next train home was just before midnight I knew I had a long wait, but I didn’t care. I couldn’t stay any longer. Putting on my cardigan and wrapping my scarf around my neck I walked towards the door, wanting to, but not daring to look back.

I tried to keep my head held high, as if it would give me a little more dignity. Wondering how I could feel dignified sneaking out of an ex’s house in the middle of the night, and grabbing my bag I left, closing the heavy door behind me. Taking with me my shame and the tattered remains of our relationship in one quiet, unceremonious moment.