Читать книгу Gallivanting on Guam - Dave Ph.D. Slagle - Страница 6

“I live in the tri-village of Mongmong-Toto-Maite, specifically in the village of Mongmong.” I say into the telephone receiver, trying to explain to Jay Merrill exactly where I live. He keeps repeating the question. “Mong? Mong? Mongmong?”

I’m starting to think it’s the connection. I would switch to my cell phone but Guam Cell’s tower doesn’t have any better reception than the Guam Telephone Authority’s land lines.

“Yes, Jay, Mongmong-Toto-Maite” I say, sounding out the phonetic enunciation for him. “Mah ung mah ung Toe Toe Mighty. It’s a tri-village, nice place. Not too far from Tropics Gym. I live down the road from the Nuestra Senora de Las Aguas Catholic Church which is not really close to any water at all. There are about twenty three Catholic churches on Guam, can you believe it? I guess it makes sense. The island is like ninety five percent catholic or something like that. Oh, and as far as I can tell, I am the only haole in the entire tri village area. My apartment building is inhabited mostly by local Chamorro, great people always inviting me to BBQ’s at the pool. The rest of the village seems to be outer islanders, people from Chuuk, Rota, Tinian, Palau and maybe Saipan. Specifically I live in the village of Mongmong but I am going to get a P.O. Box at the post office in Tamuning. They don’t have mail boxes at my apartment building in fact I don’t even know the name of the street because there isn’t a street sign” I say.

“Really, no street sign and no mail delivery, where did you say you would get a P.O. Box, Tumon?” he asks.

“No, Jay, Tamuning, Tah Moo Ning” I say again, sounding it out phonetically “my P.O. Box will be in Tamuning. Hey, your company has offices on Guam and Saipan. Don’t you know the names of all the villages?” I ask.

“Well, we have offices in Hagatna but I don’t know any of the other villages. How many are there? “ He asks.

“I don’t know, Jay, like seventeen or eighteen other villages.” I say.

“So how are things going? What have you been doing since you got there?” He asks.

“Well, let’s see, It’s been three weeks since I arrived on Guam and last night I finally slept in my own bed. Or at least it’s my new bed. The new bed that is now my bed, here in my apartment which isn’t quite what I had imagined when we were drafting my contract. I have a two bedroom, two bath apartment. They decorated and furnished it. It even has a new washer and dryer in the apartment. Oh and air-conditioning. The building is concrete and my apartment has central air-conditioning. I keep it about sixty two degrees inside. “I say.

“Oh, yah, Guam is really hot and humid but why do you keep it so cold?” He asks.

“Yah, well here’s the thing. I read all those stories about the damn snakes popping up everywhere. So I figured that if my apartment was cold, the snakes would stay out. But I was cautious opening the kitchen drawers and closet doors the first few days. Anyway, my place is too cold for reptiles even the geckos stay out.” I say.

“Wait, you have a two bedroom?” He asks.

“Yah, I thought I was going to be living in a one bedroom at Alupang Cove but the auditing account for Mr. Saru decided to rent me a two bedroom in Tamuning. The pitch to me was that it has more space but I know that they are saving well over five hundred dollars a month on the lease. And I don’t need more space. I hardly have anything and I ‘m not planning on buying a lot of crap. Alupang Cove is right on the beach. It would have been a great place to live. Mongmong is . . . well, Mongmong is not that bad. It’s just not what I was promised but I can live with this compromise.” I say

“Are you really ok with that? Maybe you should say something.” Jay says.

“Well, they have been very gracious and it’s not like I have to pay for anything, it’s just not where I would have chosen to live. But it’s not that bad and I don’t plan on spending much time here anyway. The gym is going to take a lot of my time. It has been grossly mismanaged. The interim general manager is a jackass and a thief. Mr. Saru is going to fire him today. I joined the gym as a member to gain some perspective without anyone knowing that I am the new general manager. It has been an eye opening experience but at least I know what I have to do now. Let’s see what else. Well, I have been to a lot of restaurants. Mr. Saru and I have coffee everyday at Jungle Java in Tumon before he goes to the office. We usually meet up again for dinner. I have been trying some of the small local places at lunch Jay, and I gotta tell ya, I love Chamorro food. Red rice, finadene, Kadon manuk, I could eat those foods every day. Actually, I have been eating that every day” I say.

“You already sound like you have already lived there for awhile, longer than three weeks. You’re acclimating fast.” Jay says laughing.

“It’s baptism by fire! Total immersion, Jay, I am immersing myself into the culture of the island. I want to learn all that I can. Besides, I have no choice. I am here and I need to know about the local culture and learn my way around the island. I don’t officially start working until tomorrow. What else am I going to do? I have met a few people that are helping me with my Guam education. This one guy named Tuna is cool. He has really brought me up to speed on the local customs. The local culture and traditions are way different from those in Hawaii and a world apart from the mainland USA. But so far I’ve just been trying to learn as much as I can about Guam. I start working at the gym tomorrow and I am anxious.”

“Well, have a great first day at work and remember to have fun. I have to go now but let’s talk in a few days. Aloha!” he says, ending the call.

Tropics Gym is bright this morning and not just because today is the start of my future. The walls are painted a pastel shade of orange with blue, green, red, and yellow stripes. The carpet is a light blue and the tinted windows allow only enough daylight to add to the fluorescent lighting and neon signs that illuminate the entire gym. The front desk staff is watching me as I walk into the building. Their friendly smiles have tensed up. They all seemed a little quiet and shocked at the staff meeting last night after I was introduced as the new general manager. I smile and flash shaka to the girl at the front desk and she smiles and flashes shaka back to me. Walking towards the Tropics Gym Café I hear Randy’s voice. “Hafa Adai, pahtnahhhhh” he says. I look up to see Randy leaning over the railing in front of a row of treadmills upstairs. He is dressed in a Spiderman shirt and blue running tights, an orange headband and dark sunglasses. I flash shaka to him and he flashes shaka back to me.

“Good morning Randy” I say.

“It is a good morning yes a very good morning and I heard that you wowed them at your introduction meeting last night, pahtnaaaah. Welcome to work” he says.

‘Thanks Randy, have a good run” I respond before continuing my walk through the gym. Randy was not at the meeting last night which means that he either spoke with his cousin, Elisa Saru or one of the staff. But whatever, his feedback is good. Continuing my walk through inspection of the gym it seems like the music is too loud. Mr. Saru told me that the music should be soft in the lobby and loudest in the back with a progressive increase in volume as you walk from the front of the center to the back. He said that the music helps create the atmosphere for working out and while I agree about the music, I think the progression of volume is bullshit. If anything the music should only be loud in the weight room. Mr. Saru told me that the bright colors, the progression of the music and, the general atmosphere of Tropics Gym are a reflection of his personality.

Like any big city fitness population on the mainland USA, the Guam fitness population works out either early in the morning, right before work or early in the evening, right after work. The prime times at Tropics Gym are five to ten in the morning and five to eight at night. Tuna works out at night which is perfect for me. I train clients in the early morning, attend t management issues during the day and workout with Tuna at night. We usually work out together after he finishes work, like I did with Jay Merrill back in Honolulu. Tropics Gym has its regulars, the members that workout at the same time everyday throughout the week. At Tropics Gym, the morning regulars are local media personalities, top business people, attorneys, judges, policemen, firemen and business owners. The afternoon regulars are mostly housewives and students. The after-work regulars are mostly 9 to 5’rs and the late night regulars are mostly shift workers, bartenders, bouncers and strippers. Tuna has names for a few of the regulars like the coconut heads, the power crew, the fitness bunnies, the cardio junkies and Guammyogi’s. Everyone comes to Tropics Gym to pursue their fitness goals and every gym in the world has its unique demographic. On Guam, it’s the Chauds. A chaud is the Guam equivalent to a redneck and the group that Tuna calls the coconut heads are chaud guys that give stink eye, to everyone that they perceive to be a threat to their masculinity which just happens to be anyone else in the gym. The coconuts like to monopolize the dumbbell rack in front of the mirror so that they can stand around, acting tough and admire themselves. The chaud mentality is no different than the mokes in Hawaii or rednecks in the mainland USA. Tonight, the coconuts are giving stink eye to Tuna and me while we are working out in the weight room. Tuna says it’s because we are using more weights than any of them could. He also said that ignoring them will piss them off. I have no problem ignoring them, but I am struggling to not laugh. “Tuna, as the general manager of Tropics Gym, it is my duty to introduce myself to them and make them feel welcome” I say.

“No yell fo me when they like jam you!” he says.

“Jam me?” I ask.

“Yah, you know, fight, beef, kick yer ass.” He says.

“For what?” I ask.

“Cause you talk at them, cause you haole, cause you stronger them” He says seriously.

Mr. Saru walks up and asks if he can join us. The coconuts are no longer watching us. They must be afraid of Mr. Saru. Tuna begins loading up the leg press with weights and smiling.

After we finish working out, Mr. Saru buys protein shakes for all three of us and we sit together at a table. Mr. Saru asks me if I would be willing to train his wife a few days a week in the mornings. I nod and he tells me that he will have her call me.

“She hasn’t been to the gym for almost a year” he says. His cell phone begins to ring. He answers as he gets up from the table and from the tone of his voice I can tell he is talking to Adipo. He turns back and waves at us before walking outside.

“You met her?” Tuna asks.

“Her? You mean Elisa Saru? I met her my first night here at the fiesta at their house. You were there!” I say in disbelief.

“No, no, not Mrs. Saru, you know who is that calling his phone?” He asks.

Damn, I think that Tuna is asking me if I know Adipo but I don’t know what he knows. I am not sure if I should admit that I know about Adipo or pretend that I don’t know.

“Umbre, you know what is one atchatma? Mr. Saru has one atchatma” he says.

I stare blankly at the table. What should I say? Can I trust Tuna?

“Eh, no worry, can tell me if you know. All of Guam knows already” he says.

I nod, still not sure how to respond. I want to stay loyal to Mr. Saru and I don’t want to discuss his private affairs with anyone. But Tuna is calling me out. Fuck, this is serious. Am I a trustworthy friend of Tunas or should I stay loyal to Mr. Saru? Or as Tuna has been telling me, does everyone already know?

“Umbre, Mr. Saru been pokin’ squid, he fucking Adipo. She is one achatma!” he says laughing.

“Poke squid? What is poking squid?” I ask.

“You know, kill a pig, poke one squid. You know, make sook- sook, fuck, do it, you know, to have sex, you know what I’m sayin’?” he asks.

‘Poke squid” I say, laughing. “I just learned a new euphemism.”

“Eh? What is euphemism?” he asks.

“It’s when you imply something instead of saying something offensive. Like saying poke squid instead of fucking” I say.

“Shoot shoots, you one smart haole. Eh, no worry about Adipo. Mr. Saru take her out in public. Mrs. Saru already know about her, everybody know” he says.

“I met Adipo the night after I first arrived on Guam. I met her at Kitano Zaka.” I say.

“Adipo one ugly girl hoi, you been Kitano Zaka? Is one atchatma bar, everybody know that place is where to take atchatma. Been to any other bars?” he asks.

“No, but have been to a lot of restaurants and coffee shops.” I say.

“Hoi, we going out, I take you into good clubs. Shoots, I take you into the bad ones too. Get clubs with ugliest strippers you ever seen” he says with a laugh.

“Alright, when?” I ask.

“Going Honolulu for three weeks, get two weeks training class an one week vacation. Leave tomorrow, we going out when I get back” he says.

“Three weeks? Fuck, Tuna, you’re going to miss out on the big event. I am planning a training and nutrition seminar with Mr. Universe, Markus Crevas. I am presenting the nutrition part of the seminar and Marcus will do the training seminar” I say.

“Cannot get out of work, sorry cannot be here” he says.

“Nah, no worries Tuna, you will have more fun in Honolulu than you would hanging out with a bunch of meatheads in a weight room” I say. Fuck I was actually counting on Tuna to be there for the seminars and I was looking forward to having him participate at the training sessions too. Now it may just be me and the coconut heads.

“Hoi, I supposed to meet Nely at Lonestar ten minutes ago. I gotta go. Shoot shoots” he says, running out of the gym.

Tuna is flipping through the current issue of Marine Drive Magazine and there on page 19 of the nightlife section is a picture of two girls with me sitting in the middle of them.

“I met her at C'est La Vie” I say.

“C’est La Vie? Eh, what you did, jus poke squid for three weeks I stay off island?” he asks, throwing the magazine into the cab of his truck, slamming the door shut and laughing. We are parked on the roof of Kmart, the world’s largest Kmart, because Tuna wants to pick up a few DVD’s on the way home. He called me as I was leaving the gym to ask if I want to come over to his house for a BBQ. The thought of the BBQ, the kelaguen, the ahi poke and all the other local foods had my mouth watering. Fuck yes I want to go! Tuna asked me to meet him on the roof of the world’s largest Kmart. At first I thought he was joking, but there really is a parking lot on the roof of Kmart and from what I can tell, it probably is the largest Kmart in the world. Walking down the stairs from the rooftop parking lot to the entrance of the store, I begin telling him about how I met Claire Chung.

“It was the week of the seminar. Remember that I told you that Mr. Universe, Marcus Crevas was coming to Guam? Well his manager, Chester Springfield was here too and that guy likes to party. So Mr. Saru took all of us clubbing. We went to Kitano Zaka and G Spot, but I met those girls in the picture at the Cest La Vie Karaoke Club” I say.

“Hoi, Cest La Vie is one ‘buy-me-drinky’ bar. My mom’s friend, Natasha Tran owns it. She is the mamason” he says.

“Tuna, I know what type of bar it is and I met the mamason. Natasha knows me” I say.

“Yah? Natasha know me too! Shoots, she wen kick me out one time” he says laughing. “Was one time my mom asked me to get one snake off the gate in front of Natasha’s house. When I get there Natasha give me one empty cookie tin for catch it. She was on her way to C’est La Vie an left me the tin and say to catch the snake. Shoots, I catch one snake for her and then go sing karaoke with my cousin. We was singing in one private room so Natasha asked one of the bartenders if I had come into the club. Bartender told her “Yah, Eddie Matuna is here singing karaoke and he brought some cookies for you.” Hoi, nevah hear one mamason yell so much an kick me out. Made me take the cookie tin too” he says laughing. “Eh it was empty, I already threw the snake into the jungle before I even wen go C’est La Vie” he says walking into Kmart.

“Wow, it’s crowded in here, a lot of people are at Kmart on a Friday night” I say.

“Always crowded here Friday night” Tuna says, taking a hand basket from the stack inside the door. He walks past the food court onto the main floor with me following him into the labyrinth of the world’s largest Kmart. The shopping cart traffic is thick, carts pushed by erratic shoppers with no regard for my feet. After walking past aisle after aisle after aisle through the maze of merchandise, a huge selection of stereos, television sets, household supplies, garden supplies, groceries, clothes and electronics, I almost knock over a floor to ceiling pyramid of SPAM while jumping out of the way of crazed shopper.

“Eh, get out the way, Umbre!” Tuna says laughing at me as he adds five cans of SPAM to his basket.

“Damn Tuna! Why is this SPAM pyramid the same size as the great pyramid at Giza? There is no way they can sell this much SPAM” I say.

“Laña umbre, Chamorro eat more SPAM than anybody” he says enthusiastically. “Was one report from the SPAM Company, is Hormel? Anyways, average amount of Spam sold on Guam is sixteen cans for each person every year.”

“Are you serious?” I ask.

“Gi menan Yu'us!” he says.

“what?” I ask.

“Just said I swear to God but was only one report. Ask me and I say bullshit, more like thirty cans SPAM per Chelu per year! Before you go ask me, Chelu is one other word for one Chamorro. Hoi, tell me, how you meet those C’est La vie girls?”

“Ok, Tuna, it all started when Mr. Universe, Markus Crevas arrived for the seminars and training sessions at the gym. The first day of seminars was really crowded and a huge success. Afterwards, Markus and Chad wanted to go out and experience some of the nightlife on Guam. During dinner they kept talking about how much fun they had in Roppongi. Mr. Saru told them that Guam has better clubs than Tokyo. Then, after dinner Mr. Saru had the governor’s security pick us up to take all of us over to Kitano Zaka” I say.

“Saru take everybody to Kitano Zaka?” Tuna asks.

“Yes, he took all of us there in a government SUV. Mamason sent six girls but it only took about ten minutes of listening to Mr. Saru sing karaoke before Markus said that he was bored. So Mr. Saru went to talk with Omar at the bar. Markus was complaining and asked if he could leave. I was getting real uncomfortable, especially when Chad asked me if I would take them back to their hotel. Finally, these two girls show up, Asian girls, both wearing blonde wigs and Dallas Cowgirls cheerleading outfits. They walked right up to our booth. One straddled Marcus while the other one tried to sit on Chad’s lap but he pushed her off. She looked pissed but she went over to Markus and started grinding on him” I say.

“Fo Reals?” Tuna asks.

“Yes, for real. Listen to me, after a few minutes of grinding at the booth, the girls took Markus into one of the private rooms. So Mr. Saru told Chad that he could choose a local, Japanese, Filipina, Thai or even a blonde haole girl. Can you believe it? Mr. Saru was going to get him a hooker too! Chad was shocked and he told Mr. Saru that he would rather meet normal girls and not hookers. So anyway, Markus was in the champagne room with those girls for about five minutes before we started to hear her moaning. “

“Eh, mamason no allow sex in private rooms, was he really fucking in the club?” Tuna asks.

“Okay, no sex in the club, whatever, listen Tuna, it was loud and it got louder, the girl started screaming and it sounded like he was banging her head against the wall or maybe he was trashing the room. Know what the mamason did? She turned the volume up on the karaoke system and the bar girls sang louder. Markus was thumping one girl’s head against the wall, both girls were screaming and all of a sudden, the room went silent. No more thumping, no more screaming, no more moaning, not a sound. A few minutes passed and Omar came over to our booth and told us not to worry, because if the girl was dead, he would just dump her in the ocean down by Agat and the sharks would eat her before anyone noticed that she was missing. It was that fucking crazy” I say.

“What happen?” Tuna asks.

“Oh, so Adipo shows up and she starts singing karaoke with d Mr. Saru. I excused myself to go take a leak and when I got back Chad was gone. I asked Mr. Saru where Chad was and he motioned toward the back of the club. So I sat back down and we waited for Markus and Chad. So get this, Marcus was asleep in the private room! He said he was worn out from the long day and the rough sex made him fall asleep. The hookers seemed okay but one of them did say that Markus was way too big for her. Mr. Saru had to pay her double” I say, laughing at that memory.

“Hoi is one good story, but what happen Chad?” Tuna asks.

“Oh, fuck, we waited around for another hour until Omar told us that had Chad left. He must have snuck out while I was taking a leak. Anyway, I figured that he must have just gone back to the hotel, right? Well the next day Chad told me that when he left Kitano Zaka he took a taxi over to Club Camelot and met a girl” I say.

“Umbre lai, Camelot is one strip club!” Tuna says.

“Yes, that’s what Chad said too. Well, he said that one girl was lap dancing him and getting drinks for him and he started to feel really drunk. He said that she took him into one of the private rooms in back. He actually thought that after a few more drinks she was going to leave the club with him and go back to the hotel. Finally, after about an hour in the champagne room, she told him that he needed to pay for the drinks and the dances. His bar tab was seven hundred fifty dollars” I say, shaking my head in disbelief.

“Hoi, he get clipped! What he do?” Tuna asks.

“He said he paid it. He told me that he felt too guilty for leaving us to call me or Mr. Saru so he put it on his company AMEX card and walked back to the hotel” I say.

“He walked, hoi, is like five miles. Wait, his company pays for lap dances?” Tuna asks laughing.

“I guess they do now” I say. “Chad told me that he was so pissed off at himself for hooking up with a ‘buy me drinky’ girl that he walked back to the hotel and passed out. Anyway, that was the first night. The next day we had to be at the gym early. It was the day of the training seminar and Markus had to demonstrate his training routine. About fifty people were signed up, KUAM and Pacific Daily News sent reporters and camera crews and Marcus was late. He finally showed up but during the training seminar he kept asking Deanna Fish to demonstrate exercises for him. You know that one girl from the gym Deanna? The fitness bunny you are always flirting with? Anyway, after the seminar she volunteered to drive Markus back to the hotel. I asked Markus if I could meet with him and Chad for a few minutes in my office. I was going to ask Markus if we could schedule a private seminar for the staff members that had been working and could not attend. Well, Markus flies off into a rage, calling me an idiot, telling me that he just spent four hours training the other idiots and that he needs to get some sleep. He kept yelling at me, saying that I was fucking up. He told me that he would never come back to this shitty little island if I didn’t let him rest and get some food” I say.

“Fo reals?” Tuna asks.

“Yes, for real and then Markus walked out of my office and slammed the door. He just wanted to go fuck Deanna. I was pissed off about it. Chad stood there making excuses for Markus. He said that Markus wasn’t really like that, it was the steroids talking, blah, blah, blah, you know? I was just in shock and I told Chad that Markus is an asshole and a cry baby and that we had done nothing but treat him like royalty and Chad just agreed with me” I say.

“Did you tell Mr. Saru?” Tuna asks.

“No. I figured that if he had heard the things Markus said to me that he would have put Chad and Markus on the first flight off island. Besides, I think Markus was really just angry because he wanted to go fuck Deanna Fish and I was holding him back. He did give me a half assed apology later that night. He said he was really just exhausted and that I hoped that I didn’t take him too seriously because he was really enjoying himself on Guam” I say.

“So he fucked Deanna?” Tuna asks.

“Yah, he told me that he did. Actually, he told me during dinner that loves all women but he can’t really enjoy prostitutes. You remember his ex-wife, the fitness model Mindy Royce?” I ask.

“The one from the MuscleMag poster in my room?” Tuna asks.

“You have a poster of her? Fuck Tuna, she’s a hooker! She used to be married to Markus and he said that towards the end of their marriage, they went to couple’s therapy and that is how he found out she was a hooker. She told him she had been sleeping with men for money and excitement. She was a call girl for fun” I say.

“Hoi is fucked up“Tuna says.

“Yes, that is fucked up but anyway, I decided not to tell Mr. Saru about the drama with Markus, but he knew something was up. He asked me a few times if I felt alright. I guess he could tell that I was ready for Markus to leave. Anyway the next day there was more drama because Chad went into one of the local pharmacies to buy some thyroid drugs and steroids. He called me from the store because he wanted me to have Mr. Saru call the pharmacist and tell them it was ok to sell the drugs to Chad and Markus”

‘Fo reals?” Tuna asks.

“Yes, Tuna, for real and I actually had to explain to Chad that Guam is part of the United States and we have the same laws here that they have back home in California. Between Chad and Marcus I was tired of the bullshit but I didn’t want to tell Mr. Saru about that so I just dealt with it. The only thing left for me to do was take them to the airport the next day. But, later that night Mr. Saru called me because Chad and Marcus ran up a tab at club G Spot and didn’t want to pay. Chad called Mr. Saru and he called me. I had to go clean up their mess” I say.

“Fo reals? Damn haoles! What happen?” Tuna asks.

“Yes, Tuna, for real, Mr. Saru had DJ take me to Club G Spot in a government SUV. DJ parked it on the curb with the lights flashing and used his badge to get us into the club. We found Chad sitting at the bar drinking with one of the bar girls. Markus was in one of the champagne rooms, dancing in his underwear with six naked strippers. Oh, and he had six bottles of champagne on his tab too” I say.

“How much was two, maybe three grand?” Tuna asks.

“For them it was free! Shit, you should have been there when DJ told the manager to send the bill to Mr. Saru’s office. He just nodded and that was it. Chad was really happy about that because Markus’ tab alone would have been about twenty five hundred dollars. Anyway, after that DJ drove all of us over to C’est La Vie to meet up with Mr. Saru and Mr. Shino and that is how I met her” I say.

“Hafa umbre, all stuffs happen when I off island? Shoots need to go clubbing with you” Tuna says walking up to the checkout line. I’m still amazed by the amount of people in the store.

“Hard to believe so many people are shopping here at night.” I say. The checkout line is moving fast and as he is paying for his Spam and DVD’s, Tuna explains why KMART is so crowded on a Friday night.

“Air-con, Kmart, malls, movies, wherever is air-conditioning there is people. Cheap to go out, better than stay home and use your own air-con. Eh, no change subject, you nevah finish telling about that one C’est La Vie girl. You poke squid?”

“Yes, Tuna, I like poke squid, brah” I say in a feeble attempt to sound like a local.

“Hoi, poke one squid! That’s what I’m talkin ‘bout!” he says as we walk outside and up the stairs.

“What you like drink?” Tuna asks, holding open both doors of his refrigerator and looking inside.

“Diet Coke” I say.

“BBQ Chicken, red rice, tortillas, finadene, Diet Coke. Ok, time for eat” Tuna says, sitting down at the fully loaded table. Even with just the two of us eating, the table is filled with platters of food.

“We grind an you finish tell me about the C’est La Vie girl” he says.

“Claire, her name is Claire Chung and she is a junior at Southern Methodist University in Dallas. She’s actually from Texas and she grew up in Texas. SMU is expensive so she is here to make some money” I say.

“Eh, every strippah only do if for pay college, every bar girl, every hostess an every hooker only doing it part time for pay college” he says laughing. Ignoring Tuna’s sarcasm, I continue telling him about how I met Claire “She has a friend, Jenny, who worked as a hostess on Guam last summer. Apparently Jenny made enough money to buy a new car and cover her tuition and expenses for a year of school. Claire asked Jenny if she could work the clubs too and that is how they both ended up working at C’est La Vie. Claire Chung from Dallas is ‘Lily’ a hostess at C’est La Vie.”

Tuna chugs an entire can of Budweiser and burps the word ‘boring’.

“Was one boring story” he says.

“You tell me how you wen meet her, wen poke squid in the club, take her home?” he asks.

“Okay, okay, I ‘m getting there, like I was saying, we were in C’est La Vie partying in a private karaoke room. Mr. Saru was singing Kalapana songs and I took a seat on one of the sofas. There were various song books listing the songs that are available by number so I started to look through one of them and noticed and I was impressed by the list of current American pop songs as well as Japanese, Korean, Thai, Tagalog and of course, Chamorro songs” I say. Tuna looks amused.

“Umbre, we serious about karaoke on Guam” Tuna says. “Most bars update the songs weekly an get most newest songs” he says.

“Damn it, Tuna, stop interrupting me and let me tell my story” I say with a laugh. “Mr. Saru was singing, Chad was drinking and Markus was flirting with three slinky Asian girls. He was smiling ear to ear like someone stoned out of their mind. Anyway, he told me that he has never been to anyplace like Guam with all these lotus blossoms. He kept calling the girls ‘lotus blossoms’ and they were eating it up. They probably had never seen a man with muscles the size of a Mr. Universe either. Anyway, one of the girls started to sing a Thai love song. It had a sweet melody. Just as the song was ending, the mamason, Natasha came into our room with a tray full of drinks and another three hostesses. One of those three sat with Mr. Saru and began rubbing the back of his neck. The other two sat next to me and introduced themselves as Lily and Rose.”

“Eh, wake me up wen you finally going tell me you poke squid.” Tuna says.

“Damn it Tuna that is how I met her. Then we poked squid, the end.” I say, taking a mouthful of red rice.

‘Eh, no make ass. Finish. Tell story.” Tuna says.

“Ok, ok, both girls were sitting with me and they had thick fob accents and they were very flirtatious. But something didn’t sound right. The girl named Lily sounded like she had a southern twang” I say.

“More like fresh off the jet, FOJ not fresh off the boat” Tuna says laughing “Umbre, the Guam accent, it southern, Guam is south. You go outside, look up an see one Southern Cross. Maybe even check one globe. Guam is south, deep south” he says.

“Yah, ok Tuna. Are you going to let me finish?” I ask. He nods his head and pretends to zip his mouth shut.

“Ok, so these two girls were flirting with me and after drinking a few rounds with Chad and Markus, I needed to take a piss. I asked Lily where the bathroom was and she took me by the hand and led me out of the karaoke room, down the hall and to a private bathroom. I went inside and shut the door behind me. After I take a leak, while I am washing my hands I hear the door open and in the mirror I see her come into the bathroom. I turned to face her and she started to kiss me aggressively” I say.

“Hoi, Kill a pig, poke one squid!” Tuna shouts out.

“No, Tuna, not yet, we were still locked in a kiss when I pushed her against the wall and lifted up her dress. She pulled the dress down, still kissing me but more passionately. I raised her arms over her head and pinned her to the wall and she started grinding against me and she kicked up one leg and wrapped it around my ass. I hadn’t even noticed that the door had opened or that Natasha was in the bathroom until she began pulling Lily away from me.

“It ok, it ok” Natasha was saying, ‘You go back to room. Take Lily back to room.” Natasha kept pushing me out of the bathroom. So I took Lily back to the karaoke room and saw that Markus had his shirt off and was doing his version of a Chippendales dance for the bar girls. I asked him where the other guys went and he told me that they went to another club. Then he looked at me and said ‘they’ll be bahhhk” impersonating Arnold.”

“Eh, Markus an Arnold both was Mr. Universe an they both German too?” Tuna asks.

“No, Arnold is Austrian and Markus is from someplace else in Eastern Europe. Damn it Tuna, let me tell the story! So Lily and I were sat down and she began to kiss me again. After a few minutes I stopped her to ask if she wanted to leave with me.

She looked panicked and said; “I no can leave. Mama no like me leave.” So I told her that since I was leaving she could at least tell me her real name. All of sudden she looked at me soberly and said; “Lily, my name Lily.” So I asked her where she was from and she said Qingdao and then I said; “Ok Lily from Qindao China, give me your cell number and I will call you.”

“Cannot. Mama no let me leave work. Just call here and ask for me, ask for Lily” She said. So I told her that I didn’t believe her bullshit story. I told her that her name probably isn’t Lily and that she is not from Qindao. But I did tell her that she was fun and pretty damn cute too. So I asked her again for her number and told her that I would take her out to a real club or dinner. You know a real date” I say.

“So she wen go home with you an how much longer your story?” Tuna asks.

“Stop fucking interrupting me Tuna, okay? I was walking towards the exit when Lily handed me a C’est La Vie business card that she had written her name “Lily” on it. I figured it was in case I wanted to come back and pay her to drink with me.”

“Yah, shoots, that is what ‘buy me drinky’ all about. Finally you learn something” Tuna says.

“But when she hugged me goodbye I felt her hands sliding down my back and she leaned close and whispered in my ear; “My real name is Claire and I am from Dallas. Dallas, Texas. Put your cell phone in my hand and I will give you my cell number.” So I discreetly took my phone from my pocket and slid it into her palm. She hugged me close and with my phone behind my back, dialed her number and hit the send key. She ended the call when her voicemail picked up. Then she slid the phone in my back pocket and said; “There. Now you have my cell number and I hope that will you call me”. She kissed my cheek and then she walked back down the hall to another karaoke room to entertain another group.

“That’s it? No poke squid? You call her?” Tuna asks.

“Hell yes I called her” I shout at Tuna. “And we went out the next day. Claire spent the night with me and yes, Tuna, it happened for real. I poked squid!”

‘Eh! Good for you. Now pass some kelaguen” He says laughing ‘how you end up in one magazine?”

“That’s the funny part. I took Claire and Jenny to a concert at the Hard Rock Café and some photographer took our picture and since it was published in the most popular magazine on the island, everyone saw it, including the Saru’s. In fact, Mr. Saru called me because he was concerned that his wife, Elisa, would find out how I met those girls” I say.

“Hoi, umbe, sounds like trouble.” Tuna says.

‘Yah” I say. “Mr. Saru told me that Elisa was happy because I am out making friends. She even heard that Claire and I have been dating” I say.

“Coconut Wireless works fast. Guam is one small island, people talk, people talk a lot.” Tuna says.

“Mr. Saru didn’t want anyone to know that he was with me when I met her. He told me that we needed to get our story straight. I agreed and Mr. Saru said that he told Elisa that I must have met Claire while I was out with Edward Matuna” I say.

“Me? Umbe, I stay off island for three weeks.” Tuna says.

“Well, you were with me when I met Claire Chung. It must have been before you went off island. Shit, I don’t care how it happened but if anyone asks, tell them that you were with me when I met Claire” I say.

“Shoot shoots, just say you met her one time you was with me at Globe” he says.

Four thirty in the morning finds me waiting for Claire in the parking lot behind C’est La Vie. She has finished her shift and is changing out of her cocktail dress back into a blouse and jeans, changing out of Lily’s clothes and back into Claire’s clothes. The transition from bar girl to expat island girl complete, she walks outside to find me waiting to drive her home. Over the past three weeks, this has become our routine. I work in the morning while Claire sleeps at my apartment. Mid afternoons we have lunch and I take her over to Natasha’s house where she and the other C’est La Vie girls live. After my evening workout with Tuna it’s time for me to go home and sleep, usually from ten or eleven at night until about three thirty or four in the morning, the usual time that Claire finishes work. It’s a routine that is far different from any that I have ever known, not like the nine to five and weekends off routine that I had with Emiko, but I’m happy with Claire. I’m, happy with my life on Guam. Back home and my first training session of the day is with Elisa Saru in an hour.

“Hey, if you go to bed right now I can take a half hour nap with you” I say.

Claire smiles at me and as soon as I unlock the door she runs to the bedroom. I walk back to find her stripped down to the lacy lingerie she wore at work.

“Baby, me so horny, me love you long time. Me sucky sucky, fifteen dollars, everyting you want, everyting” She says falling back onto the bed and laughing. I love that she’s quoting a cool movie.

“Too beacoup, five dollars is all my mom allows me to spend” I say. Full Metal Jacket, fucking awesome.

Claire, like a dream changes each time she rests upon my pillow, her long black hair flowing onto the bed sheets like an expression on canvas, an exquisite brush stroke. Restless, she moves, now lying with outstretched arms, an elegant portrait and my bed as her backdrop she beckons with a sigh. Bewitched, I’m overcome by the urge to sing;’“ All veils and misty, streets of blue, almond looks that chill divine some silken moment goes on forever and were leaving broken hearts behind . . . Mystify . . .you Mystify me” my voice a rippling imitation of Michael Hutchence’s baritone vocals singing to her. A southern girl with perfectly shaped lips, a sultry, sweet southern accent, deliciously dirty mind and what she calls her ‘Asian badonkadonk’, Claire is pure beauty. From her almond eyes Claire gazes tenderly at me and says; “Y’all gonna just stand around being mystified or y’all gonna get down here and please me?”

Fuck I’m tired! It was another night with Claire followed by an early morning of training Elisa Saru followed by another few clients and I’ve hardly had time to eat lunch. I have to finish payroll this afternoon before four and my phone is ringing.

“Hello, Tropics Gym” I say into the receiver. The caller ID says it’s a blocked call but the caller wasn’t transferred from the front desk. Whoever this is has the number to my direct line.

“Hello sweetie, can you ask Mr. Saru to pay his bill from the other night?”

It’s Claire.

“Hey Claire, what bill?” I ask. I didn’t know that Mr. Saru had been back to Cest La Vie but then again I haven’t gone out clubbing with him since I started hanging out with Claire.

“He came in the other night with two older gentlemen, businessmen. I think they were Japanese or Korean because they requested blondes. Only blondes! Can you believe that? Jenny made about four hundred dollars in tips.”

“Really, no shit, how long was she entertaining them?” I ask.

“I was entertaining in another room but I would say Jenny was in there for about an hour, maybe an hour and a half. You know it’s not the amount of time, it’s the quality of entertainment, darling” she says.

“Wow. What the hell did they order, karaoke and hand jobs? Never mind, I don’t want to know” I say.

“Oh honey, you know that it’s just drinks and karaoke. If Jenny or I was having sex with the clients, well I declare we would both be driving Cadillac’s and living at Alupang Towers” she says.

“Okay, okay, I still don’t want to know. So how much does Mr. Saru owe this time?” I ask.

“Twenty Two” she says.

“Ok, Twenty two hundred. I’m going over to see him now. I will call you after I talk to him.”

“Thank you, sweetie, I’m much obliged” She says ending the call.

Walking over to Mr. Saru’s office laughing at myself, just how the fuck did this happen to me? Never could have imagined that this is what my job would be like; babysitting Mr. Universe, Collecting money to pay a mamason, dating a bar girl. Fuck, is that what I am doing? I’m dating Claire? I guess I am. Kinda, we never talk about it. We never really talk about anything but we have been together every day or at least every night for over a month now. Damn! Mr. Saru starts grinning ear to ear as soon as he sees me.

“I bet you’re here for this” he says handing me an envelope “There’s twenty two hundred dollars in there and I need you to take it to Natasha. She’s been calling my office all day and I don’t want Adipo or my wife to hear about it. Remind me to tell you a story about the other night. You really missed out. Oh and we can’t let anyone know about this expense. Add it to your line items as treadmill repairs” he says.

“Treadmill repairs?” I ask in disbelief.

“Yes. Create a purchase order for repairs on some of the treadmills. Six treadmills fixed at three hundred dollars each or nine treadmills at two hundred dollars, it doesn’t matter. Just write up a purchase order. When accounting sends you the check, cash it and bring the money to me” he says.

“But the treadmills are fine.” I say.

“Don’t worry about the damn treadmills” he says. “I know the treadmills are fine and you are doing a great job managing the gym but this is my money. It’s all my money but my damn auditing accountant wants to see how every penny is spent. Well, we wined and dined the managers of the Tokyo Giants baseball team and I’ll tell you more about it later. I can’t have anyone know about it yet so I need to hide it as treadmill repairs” he says.

“Why can’t we just write it off as an entertainment expense? The treadmills are fine.” I say.

“Forget the damn treadmills. Alright? Make it the Spin bikes or the Stairmasters if you want to. I don’t care just get me an invoice for twenty two hundred dollars in equipment repairs.” He says.

“I am giving you twenty two hundred dollars to cover the gym’s entertainment expenses. The purchase orders are just for the tax write offs and you don’t need to worry about it. It’s all my money anyway but I need to show the accountant an invoice. Now will you please take the money in that envelope over to Natasha? Do it before she starts calling me again. Oh, and I know that you are going to see that little bar girl, Lily, the one that you run around with. Natasha told me that girl practically lives with you these days. Be careful with the bar girls. Don’t give her any money and don’t trust her with anything valuable” he says.

“Okay. Thank you for the advice” I say.

“I want to invite the two of you to dinner tonight. Adipo and I are having dinner with the governor and his wife. Dinner is at Sam Choy’s tonight at seven. I expect you to be there and bring Lily” he says.

“Ok, I will ask her if she can go. By the way, her name is Claire, Claire Chung. Lily is just the name she uses at work” I say. My head is spinning circles on the walk back to my office. What just happened? What kind of immoral, unethical and illegal bullshit is this? If it’s all his money, why the fuck does Mr. Saru care that the accounts see how it is spent? Why can’t it just be entertainment expenses?

Natasha’s house is surrounded by an eight foot high wall with a gated driveway. Being a mamason is a lucrative profession on Guam. The security guard at the gate checks his list for my name and then opens the gate, directing me to drive to the parking area in front of the house.

The double tall front doors open and Natasha welcomes me inside. I remove my shoes and follow Natasha into the living room. After handing Natasha the envelope, she quickly counts the money and slides it back into the envelope with a smile.

“Please, have a seat. Will you be staying for tea?” she asks.

“Yes, thank you” I say. Natasha smiles and walks down the hall, disappearing in the vastness of her house. I hear the sound of someone walking across the tile floor and turning my head I am greeted by a dripping wet, fresh out of the shower, Claire.

“Well aren’t you just a sight for sore eyes? But honey, y’all are gonna get the short end of the stick when Natasha finds you here.” She says, wrapping her hair with a towel.

“Natasha knows I am here. She told me to come in here and take a seat. We are having tea.” I say.

“Who is having tea?” Claire asks adjusting the towel wrapped around her body.

“Natasha, me and I guess you, if you get dressed and come out to the living room” I say. Claire kisses me on the cheek and gives me a broad smile.

“Come with me” she says, walking towards the back of the house. I follow Claire past a few closed doorways and into a bedroom. The room reminds me of a college dorm with single beds on opposite sides and clothing strewn about the place. Bags and bags of new clothes, most still have the tags. There are at least a dozen shopping bags from stores like Louis Vuitton, D&G, Fendi, Burberry, Macy’s and other high end retailers.

“This is my room sugar. Jenny and I are roommates, two peas in a pod.” She says walking into the bathroom with the towel still wrapped around her body. Moments later she walks out, sans towel, now wearing a pink bra and matching thong panties.

“Do you two spend all of your money on clothes?” I ask.

“No silly, we just take advantage of the sales. Besides, there is no sales tax on Guam so we are saving way more than if we went shopping back home.” She says, pulling on some shorts.

“Do all the girls from C’est La Vie live here?” I ask.

“Most do but not the locals. Natasha always has about ten girls living in the house at any given time. You know that most of them are from Vietnam, Thailand, Cambodia, China or the Philippines. Right now Jenny and me are the only American girls. Well at least Jenny looks American. Natasha told me that I have to pretend that I ‘m from China.” She says.

“Ah, that explains everything Lily, Miss Lily from Qindao.”

‘Why yes, I suppose that does, doesn’t it” she says pulling the tag off a new HIC blouse and pulling it on over her head. “Ok honey, let’s go sit a spell and have tea with Natasha.”

Another Saturday morning in bed with Claire is our normal routine and today was a normal Saturday for us but at noon we finally left my apartment to drive over to Mangilao for a dance performance by Natibu Halau. Natibu is an award winning hula halau. The cultural dance competitions among the Pacific islands are intense and Natibu is the top ranked halau from Guam. After the Natibu performance Claire and I have about two hours before I need to drop her off for another night of work at C’est La Vie and right now my only desire is for Claire to call in sick but typically she can earn anywhere from five hundred to a thousand dollars on a Saturday night. It would be stupid to ask her to give it up tonight. At least we have time for dinner at the Grill restaurant inside of the Santa Fe hotel. It’s owned by one of the members of Tropics Gym so even though it is crowded, we have no trouble getting a secluded table on the patio overlooking Hagatna Bay. The dinner is complimentary and the setting is superb. I couldn’t have asked for a better night. Sitting seaside with the full moon reflecting off the waves I catch a glimpse of satisfaction in Claire’s eyes.

“Every time we go out” she says, “every single time, you always end up taking me to someplace divine. That hula show was great, the drive around the island and this dinner” she stops herself and looks out, over the waves, into the darkness of the night. I think I know what she won’t say. I reach across the table and taker her hand. She shakes her head and slowly pulls her hand away from mine. Before I can speak she enthusiastically blurts out; “Hey let’s do a shot! Let’s do some shots together before I have to go to work.”

I want to say no. I want to go back to a few minutes ago and ask her to finish her sentence but it’s too late. She is already asking the waiter to bring the drinks.

“Hold on y’all, we should just go over to the bar. Sweetie, can we do a shot and a beer? How about just one shot and one beer before you can drop me off at work?” she asks.

One shot becomes two and we are sipping our San Miguel chasers when Claire tells me that back home she would be “shootin’ whiskey chasin’ it with Lone Star.” I try to imagine being at a bar in Dallas with Claire and maybe Jenny too. Just a normal night out, like normal people do. A night where she wouldn’t have to pretend she is a girl named Lily from Qindao to flirt with men and get them to buy her overpriced drinks and sing karaoke. Claire finishes her beer by chugging it and slamming the bottle on the counter.

Dropping her off at Natasha’s house suddenly feels strange. Standing at the front door, Claire looks me in the eye before wrapping her arms around me and kissing me. Shit, Natasha would be pissed if she saw us kissing at the front door but damn Claire tastes like cinnamon. The gum she was chewing must have been cinnamon and her hips are pressing, grinding into me. This wouldn’t feel so awkward if we were in the house, maybe even in Claire’s room but kissing at the front door is breaking some kind of house rule.

“Natasha will be pissed if she finds us kissing out here” I say.

“Honey, I was just thinking the same thing but dang it if you aren’t just too tempting. But if I take you inside, I won’t let you go and then I will miss work. That would be a lot worse. Now kiss me goodbye before I am really late.” We begin kissing again and continue to kiss as moments turn into minutes. We kiss until I notice Jenny, standing in the doorway behind Claire.

“Y’all break it up! Y’all stop!” Jenny says, pulling Claire apart from me. “Claire, we are gonna be late. Y’all are fixin’ to ruffle some feathers. Best be on our way so Natasha won’t go flyin’ off the handle again.”

“Bye, I have to go, bye.” Claire says, kissing me on the cheek.

Claire and Jenny are still standing at the door waving, visible in my rear view mirror. I honk twice as I am driving away. I’m tired. In the last two days I have only had about six hours of sleep. Tomorrow is Sunday and I won’t see Claire until Monday night so at least I can sleep the entire day.

The shriek of my alarm jolts me into another Monday morning, another day of training clients. Picking up my cell phone I see that there are a few missed calls, no messages, but it looks like Claire tried to call me a few times. The calls came in about three thirty this morning but she knows that my phone is off when I am sleeping. After I shower and get dressed I notice the message light flashing on the phone in my living room. Someone must have called my landline last night. I didn’t hear it because I set the tone to silent a few days ago when Claire was here. I didn’t want to be interrupted by my parents calling at three in the morning. That would have been an irritating situation. My parents always want to check in but they have an uncanny knack for calling at the most inconvenient time, like when I’m fucking Claire and it doesn’t help that they can’t figure out the time difference. They always call between three and four in the morning. Sure enough the time stamp on the call is three thirty three this morning. But the message is not from my parents. It’s Claire and Jenny laughing and saying that they . . . damn. I have to play it again. After listening to their message a second time, I realize that they are drunk, really drunk. They must have had a busy night at work. They are incomprehensively giddy and talking over each other. Playing it again, it sounds like they are saying goodbye to me. Fuck. Playing it again I realize that they called me from the airport. They are on their way back to Texas.

Claire’s voice is sincere; “Hey sweetie, sorry I didn’t get to say good bye in person. Honey, I had such a great time with you but I have to go home now. Cest La Vie.”