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ОглавлениеA Waitress in Yellowstone
or Always Tell the Truth
Dramatis Personae
RANGER
WAITRESS
OLD MAN (OLD COUPLE)
WINNIE MAGEE
CONGRESSMAN JOHN LARUE
BOSS
COP
DOUG MAGEE, WINNIE’S SON (AGE 10)
RADIO ANNOUNCER (VOICE OVER ONLY)
POLICEMAN
SECOND POLICEMAN
JUDGE
BAILIFF
LAWYER FOR CONGRESSMAN
CONVICT (FEMALE)
GUARD
BUS DRIVER
STATE TROOPER
SECOND STATE TROOPER
RALPH BLUM (THE MAGIC WOODSMAN)
Narrator takes stage. Dressed as park ranger.
RANGER: Winnie was a waitress. She worked for tips. Here is a tip: a bad situation generally grows worse.
Things which can get no worse improve. There are exceptions: here is not one. Winnie caught a guy lifting a tip off of her table. Told him “who do you think you are?” and she read him out to the onlooking crowd, what sort of you-fill-in-the-blank that he was . . . which he was.
It turns out this man was a congressman. In an election year. He had to keep a shining image in the public eye, which is exactly where he kept it.
Would have been better off to be what he wished to seem, but barring that he took the secondary course, lived like a thief and made the Public Pay.
Winnie and her son Doug. Had planned a trip to Yellowstone. To celebrate his Tenth Birthday. He'd, as you might imagine, looked forward to that trip all year. And it was the object of much of their talk and much of their joint happiness.
At the restaurant.
WAITRESS: Hey, Winnie, quit dreaming, table number three wants the check!
(OLD COUPLE.)
OLD MAN: Could I have the check, please.
WINNIE: Here you are.
OLD MAN: Thank you. See you tomorrow, Winnie . . .
WINNIE: No you won't, sir. Tomorrow my boy and I leave for our vacation. I'll see you in two weeks.
OLD MAN: Where are you going?
WINNIE: Yellowstone Park.
OLD MAN: That's right, you told me. Here's a little extra, you have a fine trip.
(The OLD COUPLE starts up to leave.)
WINNIE: That's very generous of you, sir . . . thank you . . . (Before she can gather the money, etc., she is called to another table.)
CONGRESSMAN: Miss!
WINNIE (to OLD MAN): Thank you very much.
CONGRESSMAN: Miss!
WINNIE: I'm coming! (To CONGRESSMAN:) Yes, sir?
CONGRESSMAN (of check): What is the meaning of this?
WINNIE (checking bill): Ninety-five cents, for a substitution. You had beans instead of the creamed spinach.
CONGRESSMAN: You never told me that.
WINNIE: Yes, sir, I did.
CONGRESSMAN: You certainly did not. You did not tell me that.
WINNIE: Yes, sir, I am certain, you said “I'll have the Special.” Look: It's not important. If you take the check to the boss, I'm sure that he'll . . .
CONGRESSMAN: Well, that's not the point, is it? The point is that you never told me . . .
WINNIE: Well, if that's true, I'm sorry, sir.
CONGRESSMAN: No: say you never told me . . .
WINNIE: Excuse me . . .
CONGRESSMAN: You owe me an apology.
WINNIE: I think that I apologized, excuse me . . . (She walks away. To another WAITRESS:) Some people have too much salt in their diet . . . (To CONGRESSMAN:) WAIT A SECOND WAIT A SECOND WAIT A SECOND: WAIT A SECOND THERE!
(She walks back to his table, which he has gotten up from. He is standing near the table vacated by the OLD COUPLE. To CONGRESSMAN:)
You wanna put something back? (Pause.) You wanna put something back, or you want me to call the police.
CONGRESSMAN: I don't know what you're talking about.
WINNIE: I'm talking about you just lifted my tip off of that table. Now: you put it back or I call the cops.
CONGRESSMAN: You're saying . . . (Pause.) You're saying I did whhh . . . ? Get out of my way. (Tries to push past her.)
WINNIE: In a pig's eye I will. Somebody call the cops! Somebody call the cops, this guy took my tip off the . . . (To CONGRESSMAN:) You aren't going anywhere!
BOSS: What's the trouble?
WINNIE: This guy took my tip off the table.
CONGRESSMAN: Lady, you're in a world of trouble here.
WINNIE: Well, we're just going to see . . .
COP: What seems to be the trouble?
WINNIE: This guy lifted my tip off the table.
CONGRESSMAN: Not only is it not true, but I want to tell you you've just caused yourself a lot of pain. What's your name, Officer? I'm John Larue, I am the congressman for this district, and this deranged and sick individual has just slandered me. Pick her tip off the table? You know WHO I AM???
(The CONGRESSMAN sings about the exalted position he enjoys. He finishes singing.)
CONGRESSMAN: Now: I'll give you one last chance to retract what you said and take back your vicious lie, or you're going to wish you never were born.
WINNIE: Well, to wish you never were born you have to be born. Which gives you the option, and I think I'll stick with the truth. You should be ashamed of yourself. Good-bye.
(The COP takes the CONGRESSMAN away.)
WINNIE: What kind of a world is it? That guy should be setting an example . . .
(WINNIE and the assembled CUSTOMERS sing “What Kind of a World Is It?” peppering the song with examples from their own lives. The second verse is: “On the Other Hand,” where WINNIE sings about some of the good things which may be had simply in life, in her case, the trip with her son to Yellowstone Park.
As the clock strikes twelve she sings “My Day Is Done, and I'm Going on Vacation,” and leaves the restaurant. She walks home.)
WINNIE: Look at the stars, what a beautiful night it is. Always various. (She walks into her house.) Look at my son, isn't he gorgeous. And now we have all this vacation time to be alone together. All the rest is basically illusion.
RANGER: And so she fell asleep, and she and her son dreamed the same dream. In which they were in Yellowstone Park, high upon a ridge, upon a summit, looking down, and they saw mountain sheep, and they saw deer, and when the rain came unexpectedly they made a shelter from a fallen tree. And as in the wild of sleep and as in the wild of the forest their cares fell away. And when Winnie awoke, she saw her son, already dressed, sitting at the breakfast table, and he had made her a cup of tea.
(N.B. They are both dressed in full camp regalia.)
WINNIE: Good morning. What are you doing up so early?
DOUG: Oh, I couldn't sleep.
WINNIE: Why? You worried about school, shouldn't you be off to school?
DOUG: Well, I thought I wouldn't go to school today?
WINNIE: Wouldn't go to school? Why, of course, you have to go to school today, why wouldn't you?
DOUG: ’CAUSE WE'RE GOING TO YELLOWSTONE PARK!!!!!
(They jump up and down and sing a song about how they must make sure they've taken the right things. They sing about the contents of a rucksack, and emergency gear, which they inspect on each other's person. This gear includes: waxed matches in a waterproof container [several containers secreted in various parts of the clothing and generally high up to keep them dry should one fall into waist-high water], a compass, a spare compass, a topographic map of the area to be camped in. A candle for helping to light fires, needle and thread, steel wool which, though it is not generally known, is, in its superfine variety, great tinder and can just be wrung out when wet, extra clothing, rain gear, pencil and paper, fishing line and hook, bandages, whistle, etc. They finish the song, and, having checked each other out, decide that they are ready to proceed to the bus, which they have ten minutes to catch. In deciding which coat to wear, they turn on the radio to catch a weather report.)
DOUG: I can't believe we're really going.
WINNIE: Have I ever lied to you?
DOUG: No!
WINNIE: Well, then, there you are.
RADIO ANNOUNCER (voice over): In other news, Congressman John Lame, up for reelection, yesterday was accosted for the misdemeanor of Attempting to Defraud of Services, or, to put it simply, a waitress at a restaurant he frequents, accused the Congressman of lifting her tip off her table.
WINNIE: . . . come on, let's get out of here . . .
CONGRESSMAN (voice over): You know, it's easy to accuse, and, I think by far the simplest thing would be to let this sick accusation pass, and go my way, but there comes a time . . .
WINNIE: Turn that creep off, let's go to the country . . .
DOUG (turns off radio): What'd he do?
WINNIE: The creep. Lifted a tip off of a waitress's table. Can you believe that?
DOUG (opening door): What a life.
WINNIE: On to the Wilds!
(In the door are two burly plainclothes POLICEMEN.)
POLICEMAN: Winnie Magee?
WINNIE: I . . . uh, what is it?
POLICEMAN: Are you Ms. Winnie Magee?
WINNIE: I can't talk to you now, we have to catch a bus.
POLICEMAN: ARE YOU WIN . . . ?
WINNIE: Yes, but I can't talk . . .
POLICEMAN (simultaneously with “talk"): You're under arrest. Would you come with us, please?
WINNIE: I . . .
DOUG: Wait, you can't, what's this all . . . ?
POLICEMAN: Slander, Malicious Mischief, Defamation of Character, would you please . . . ?
WINNIE: Who, what . . . ?
DOUG: What are you doing to my mother?
SECOND POLICEMAN: She insulted a congressman, kid.
WINNIE: But we . . . we just have ten minutes to catch the bus . . .
(They are in a court of law.)
And we're going to Yellowstone P . . . what is this, what's going on here . . . ?
JUDGE: You are accused of wantonly, maliciously, and with malice aforethought having verbally assaulted, insulted, and impugned the character of one John Larue, Congressman for the Seventh District of. . .
WINNIE: HOLD ON A SECOND. I insulted wh . . . ?
JUDGE: You have no voice in this court, would you please, who is your counsel?
WINNIE: Say that again?
BAILIFF: Who's your lawyer?
WINNIE: I don't have a lawyer, why should . . . What's going on here? (Pause.) Come on, I have to catch a bus. (Pause.)
JUDGE: You are accused by the Congressman here (CONGRESSMAN stands) of, in simple terms, of lying about him in such a way as to damage his reputation.
WINNIE: Ah.
JUDGE: When you said that he stole your tip.
WINNIE: He did steal my tip.
JUDGE: The court will now appoint you a lawyer.
WINNIE: I don't need a lawyer, I don't want one. Let's settle this here and now, ‘cause I'm on my vacation time, alright? You tell me how you want to do this, and let's get this done.
JUDGE: You wish to act as your own lawyer?
WINNIE: That's . . . okay. (Pause.) Okay.
JUDGE: You're making a mistake.
WINNIE: I've made them before. Nothing to be scared of, now: what is the thing?
DOUG: Mom, what's going on . . . ?
(WINNIE and DOUG hold a whispered consultation while the BAILIFF and the JUDGE sing about the charge and the procedure in this case. They are joined by the LAWYER for the CONGRESSMAN and the CONGRESSMAN, who sing about her heinous behavior and the grave damage that has been done. They stop. Pause.)
WINNIE: Now what?
JUDGE: You may present your case.
WINNIE: It's my turn to speak?
JUDGE: Yes.
WINNIE (sings):
Let me preface my remarks by saying
that I have to catch a bus
Because I am enroute to Yellowstone Park
Where, my son and I are taking
a long-planned vacation
In the wilds of this great land.
I am a simple kind of gal which is to say
I'm just as complex as the rest of us here but
there are some basic things that I believe in
one of which is
that we are entitled to a just pay
for the work that we do
in my case a waitress
which is to say that I work for tips.
Okay?
My salary is directly tied to this one thing:
my ability to please, which is to say, to make comfortable
the patrons of my restaurant, who have come out to eat.
The first rule of which is:
THE CUSTOMER IS ALWAYS RIGHT.
Which rule I do adhere to.
IN THIS CASE HOWEVER. ONE:
The man performed a criminal act . . .
CONGRESSMAN: . . . I DID NOT.
WINNIE: AND I asked him . . .
LAWYER: What was that act?
WINNIE: He stole my tip.
LAWYER: I rest my case.
WINNIE: I asked him to replace it. He did not, and two: I called upon the customers to help me out. That's the beginning and the end, and that is what occurred. Now; are we free to leave?
DOUG: Can we go now?
(End of song.)
JUDGE: Can you prove that he took your tip?
WINNIE: No.
JUDGE: You can not?
WINNIE: No. The only proof is that I saw him.
JUDGE: We will now consider this case.
DOUG: Mom, do we have time to make the bus . . . ?
WINNIE (simultaneously with “bus"): Just barely. If he does this quick.
JUDGE: Here are my feelings: this has gotten out of hand. I think it can be settled quickly. (Pause.) As we all have better things to do. (Pause.) I think that a simple apology will suffice.
WINNIE: I'll accept that. Your Honor. I notice that you didn't say that he had to give back my tip. There is a principle involved, but I am willing to forget that, in the interest of getting out of town . . . (To DOUG, as she checks her watch:) Okay, let's go, we can just make it . . . (They walk toward the courtroom doors carrying their rucksacks.) And I will waive that principle and accept the Congressman's sincere apology. Also, he has to say he'll never do it again.
JUDGE: You misunderstand me. You'll have to apologize to him.
(Pause.)
WINNIE: I . . . what?
JUDGE: You will have to . . .
WINNIE: I . . . ?
JUDGE: Apologize to the Congressman.
(Pause.)
WINNIE: For what?
JUDGE: For maligning his reputation.
WINNIE: HE STOLE MY TIP.
JUDGE: We have no way of knowing what he might have done, except your word. His reputation, which is a weighty thing, is at stake, and rather than prolong this, and to allow you to catch your bus, if you will just state that you . . . could have made a mistake . . .
LAWYER: I OBJECT.
JUDGE: Excuse me: if you will just say that you could have made a mistake, this case will be closed and you can go to Yellowstone.
(Pause.)
WINNIE: You want me to say he didn't steal my tip. (Pause.) I do that and we can go.
JUDGE: Yes.
WINNIE: What if I don't say that?
JUDGE: You will go to jail.
WINNIE: Hmm.
(Pause.)
JUDGE: The choice is yours. What do you choose to do? And I would remind you that you have but five minutes to catch your bus.
WINNIE: Well. This would seem to be the crux of the whole matter here.
RANGER: I would say so.
WINNIE (to DOUG): Whaddya think, kid? This guy stole my tip, and if I lie about it we can go free, if not . . . it's, it's your trip, you tell mmm . . . naa, that's ridiculous. What am I going to do? Teach my kid his mom's a liar for the sake of expediency?
LAWYER: He wants to go camping.
WINNIE: So he won't go camping. That's not under my control, and I never promised him that I was superman, all that I told him was I'd tell the truth.
JUDGE: And so?
WINNIE: Take me to jail and be damned with you. He stole my tip. (She is led from the courtroom, amidst catcalls.)
CONGRESSMAN: What kind of a mother are you?
LAWYER: You're going to be a convict . . .
WINNIE: Hey, I'd rather be me than you.
BAILIFF: You promised the child you'd take him camping.
DOUG: Mama!
WINNIE: Well, there's nothing we can do about it . . .
RANGER: And so Winnie was taken to the jail, and they took her picture and her fingerprints, and they gave her a uniform and put her in a cell.
(In the cell. With another CONVICT.)
CONVICT: You want to play gin?
WINNIE: Don't bother me.
RANGER: And she was full of longing for her son, whom she missed. And she worried about him. And she thought about him.
(WINNIE sings a song about how incredibly difficult it is to bring up children. And how hard it is to live your life according to first principles. The song ends.)
CONVICT: The first night is the hardest.
WINNIE: I'm sure that's true.
CONVICT: It is true. (Pause.) How long are you in for?
WINNIE: I don't know. ‘Til I apologize. (Sighs.) And we were supposed to be camped out beneath the stars. (Pause.) How long are you in for?
CONVICT: Can you keep a secret?
WINNIE: No. (Pause.)
CONVICT: What's that supposed to mean?
WINNIE: Nobody can keep a secret. If you don't want me to know your business don't tell it to me.
CONVICT: We're breaking out.
WINNIE: What does that mean?
CONVICT: We're breaking out of jail tonight.
WINNIE: Swell.
(There is a huge explosion, and the prison wall collapses. All the CONVICTS run. She finds herself among them.)
GUARD: Stop! Stop!
WINNIE: Look, I just, I was just sitting in my cell. . .
(The GUARD fires at her.)
WINNIE: Oh gosh . . . ! (She runs.)
RANGER: And so Winnie ran from the prison, along with the other convicts. And she wandered in the dark corners of the streets. And she found herself at home.
(Outside her apartment. Her son, listening to the radio.)
ANNOUNCER (voice over): And now a medley of Songs That You Love To Dream Along With. From the Fantasy Ballroom.
(Old-time music begins to play. WINNIE goes inside.)
DOUG: Mama! (They embrace.) Mama! I knew that you'd come home. I knew that you'd come home!!!
WINNIE: How are you, Sweetie?
DOUG: I knew that you'd come back. I knew they'd let you out. So we could go camping.
WINNIE: Doug, look: I, uh . . . I don't think we can . . .
ANNOUNCER (voice over): We interrupt this program to bring you a special report. Inmates from the Women's Correctional Institute escaped tonight in a mass breakout, wounding five guards in the attempt. Considered armed and dangerous, be on the lookout for . . .
(She turns off the radio.)
WINNIE (pause): Um . . .
DOUG: I'll just get my pack. (He checks bus schedule.) And we can catch a bus at . . .
WINNIE: . . . Doug . . .
DOUG: We can catch the one forty-five A.M. bus. And tomorrow! . . . Tomorrow . . . that's right: Yellowstone P . . .
WINNIE: Doug . . . (Pause.) Hm. Get your pack.
RANGER: They disguised themselves, and got on the bus bound for Yellowstone.
(On the bus. In wigs, and so on.)
DOUG: Will everything be alright?
WINNIE: Everything is never alright; but the thing of it is you never have to worry about “everything.” And, for the moment, what we're going to do is just go camping. Now you go to sleep.
(He goes to sleep, as she sings him a song about Yellowstone, a lullaby, featuring the admonition not to feed the bears, and to look out not to miss Old Faithful.)
RANGER: The bus sped West, and they fell asleep rocked to the rhythm of the bus.
(WINNIE is suddenly awake. To BUS DRIVER.)
WINNIE: Why are we slowing down?
DRIVER: There's something up ahead. It's a roadblock.
(The lights come on in the bus. STATE TROOPERS enter.)
TROOPER: Would everyone please keep their seats.
(They start down the aisle, looking at a picture and at the passengers.)
DRIVER: What's the trouble?
TROOPER: We're looking for some Escaped Convicts . . .
DOUG: What are we going to do?
WINNIE: Be calm.
DOUG: How can I, how can I be calm? They're going to Take you Away.
WINNIE: Just, Sweetie, just be . . . just, whatever I say, you pretend you're asleep.
TROOPER (to WINNIE): What is your name?
DOUG: She's You Don't Want Her. She isn't anybody. Don't. . . don't take her. Mama. Come on. Let's Run!
WINNIE: Officer, I . . .
DOUG: She's not the one you want . . . Come ON!
RANGER: He and his mother escaped through a back window of the bus. And they ran into the woods.
DOUG: Keep running . . .
WINNIE (sighs): Oh, my god . . .
DOUG: No, all we have to do is just keep running. They won't . . . they won't find us . . .
WINNIE: Alright.
DOUG: Don't go back. You can't go back. They'll put you back in Prison.
WINNIE: Alright.
RANGER: In the deep dark they became lost. In the woods.
WINNIE: Are you alright?
DOUG: I'm cold.
WINNIE (of compass): We'll just keep walking North. We're going to find a road.
DOUG: How do you know?
WINNIE: Because I have the compass and I have a map.
DOUG: How do you know that there is a road?
WINNIE: Because I see it on the map.
DOUG: What will we do when we find it?
WINNIE: Give ourselves up, because you're cold, and you should be warm, and sleep. And we can't run forever. And that's what we're going to do.
DOUG: We're going the wrong way. We passed this way before.
WINNIE: No. We didn't.
DOUG: How do you know?
WINNIE: Because I have my compass.
DOUG: I don't think it's working. Yes it is. We'll trust it now. And everything will be alright.
WINNIE: Now; for a moment. What's the first thing that you do if you get scared and you're lost in the woods?
DOUG: I don't know.
WINNIE: Yes. You do. You Sit Down and Think. (Pause.) Now we'll sit down a moment.
(They sit. WINNIE sings: “Just Because You're Lost Don't Think Your Compass Is Broken.” She sings: “We Must Abide, in Moments of Stress, by Those Things We Have, in Moments of Peace, Decided Are Correct.” She finishes singing.)
Now, let's go on, and soon we'll find the road, and then you'll be warm.
DOUG: Look!
WINNIE: What is it?
DOUG: A light!
RANGER: They walked in the forest to a little hut made out of wood. A sign over the door said “Ralph Blum.”
WINNIE: Ralph Blum.
DOUG: Who is that?
WINNIE: I don't know, but I hope that he'll help.
(She knocks on the door. Pause. She knocks again. Pause.)
DOUG: Let's go in.
(WINNIE tries the door.)
WINNIE: It's locked. Well, we're going to get you warm. We'll break a window.
(They start around the side of the cabin, the door opens.)
RALPH: Who are you?
WINNIE: May we come in? My son is . . .
RALPH: Why didn't you come to the door?
WINNIE: We did come to the door. We knocked and knocked and . . .
RALPH: I didn't hear you. Come in.
(They go into the cabin.)
RALPH: The boy's cold? Let's get him something to eat. Here. Put on those warm clothes and I'll put the bed by the fire.
WINNIE: Thank you.
RALPH: What?
WINNIE: Thank you.
RALPH: Not at all.
RANGER: So they sat around the fire and the man gave them soup.
RALPH: Now, you two should go to bed, because you look like you could use the rest. You go to sleep, now.
WINNIE: I don't think that I can sleep.
RALPH: You sleep, and everything will look brighter in the morning, whatever it is.
WINNIE: I don't think so.
(Pause.)
RALPH: Is there anything that I can help you with?
WINNIE: Thank you, you're very kind, I don't see how you can.
RALPH: You never know. Did you know that? That's one of the true things. You never know.
WINNIE: I'm sure you're right.
RALPH: What?
WINNIE: I said I'm sure you're right.
RALPH: I am right. Lived in the forest all my life. You think that's crazy?
WINNIE: Not at all. Quite the contrary.
RALPH: Eh?
WINNIE: I think that's the best place one could live.
RALPH: You do?
WINNIE: Yes.
RALPH: Huh. Huh. Huh. (Pause.) Well, I'm going to tell you what: Us Outdoorsmen have got to help each other. Don't you think? (Pause.) Don't you think?
WINNIE: Mm. Yes.
RALPH: Well, we do. And I'm going to help you. I don't know what your problems are, ‘n’ it's none of my business . . .
WINNIE: My problems are I have to go to jail and be separated from my son tomorrow.
RALPH: Then I'm going to help you.
WINNIE: How?
(Pause.)
RALPH: Can you keep a secret?
WINNIE: If it will help me and my son.
RALPH: It will.
WINNIE: Then I'll keep a secret.
RALPH: You give me your solemn oath?
WINNIE: I do.
RALPH: Alright. (Pause.) I am the Magic Woodsman. (Pause.) I have the Power to grant Wishes of the Heart.
(He sings the “Song of the Magic Woodsman.” He finishes. Pause.)
And now you have two wishes. Anything your Heart Desires.
(Pause.)
WINNIE: I can wish for anything?
RALPH: Yup. And it will be granted.
(Pause.)
WINNIE: Is that true?
RALPH: Yes. It is.
(Pause.)
WINNIE: Thank you.
RALPH: What?
WINNIE: Thank you.
RALPH: That is alright. Now, you take your time, and whatever you . . .
WINNIE: I don't have to take time. I am going to wish . . .
RALPH: Oh, oh, oh. I forgot: (pause) First you have to guess my name. Nothing to it. (Pause.) You have to guess my name and then I grant your wishes. Understand?
WINNIE: Yes.
RALPH: Think that you can do it?
WINNIE: Yes.
RALPH: Alright, then. Now: what are your wishes?
WINNIE (pause): I wish that everything was just the way it was before the congressman came in the restaurant . . .
RALPH: . . . alright . . .
WINNIE: And I wish my son and I were in Yellowstone Park. (Pause.)
RALPH: Good. You tell me my name your wishes shall be granted.
WINNIE: Your name is Ralph Blum. (Pause.)
RALPH: I'm very sorry, Miss.
WINNIE: That's not your name?
RALPH: I'm very sorry. (Pause.) I'm very sorry.
WINNIE: Do I get another chance?
RALPH: No. It is not within my power. (Pause.) I'm very sorry. (Pause.) I . . . you and the boy. Feel free to stay here tonight. I, I'm sure everything will, will look brighter in the morning. (Pause.) I hope that everything works out. I'm very sorry.
(The MAGIC WOODSMAN leaves the cabin. WINNIE waits. Sits down at the table, smokes a cigarette.)
RANGER: The false dawn came, that time before the dawn, and, after it, the dawn, and Winnie sat at the table smoking her cigarette while her son slept.
(WINNIE sings a song of remorse, how, standing on principle, she has sacrificed the well-being of her child. She finishes. DOUG wakes up.)
DOUG: Where are we . . . ?
WINNIE: Come on. Get up, Sweetheart, we . . .
DOUG: What's that . . . ?
RANGER: They heard the baying of dogs. Drawing closer.
WINNIE: They're coming to get us.
(Through a megaphone we hear a TROOPER.)
TROOPER: We know you're in there . . .
SECOND TROOPER: Be careful, she's dangerous.
TROOPER: You have one minute to come out, you and the boy . . .
DOUG: What are we going to do?
WINNIE: I have to give myself up . . .
DOUG: No! What will they do to . . .
WINNIE: I'm sure everything will be al . . .
TROOPER: Alright, we're coming in . . .
WINNIE (she embraces DOUG): Sweetheart, I'm sure that everything will be al . . .
(The door opens. She shields DOUG. It is RALPH BLUM.)
RALPH: Wait a second. Did you say “Ralph Blum"?
WINNIE: What?
RALPH: Did you say “Ralph Blum"? My name?
WINNIE: Yes.
RALPH: You did.
WINNIE: Yes.
RALPH: Cause, that is my name. It's on, you know, it's on a sign right outside the door.
WINNIE: I, I, I know.
RALPH: What?
WINNIE: I said that I know.
RALPH: I thought you said “Brown.” But you said “Ralph Blum.”
WINNIE: Yes.
RALPH: Word of honor?
WINNIE: Yes.
RALPH: Well, then you get your wish! I'm sorry . . . such a silly . . . I don't hear so . . .
(They are transported. WINNIE is back in the restaurant with the CONGRESSMAN.)
RANGER: And they were magically transported back in time. To the time before she saw the congressman take the tip from the table.
(At the restaurant.)
CONGRESSMAN: Miss.
WINNIE: Yes, sir, I'm coming.
CONGRESSMAN (of check): What is this? Ninety-five cents for a substitution?
WINNIE: You had beans instead of the creamed spinach.
CONGRESSMAN: I'm not going to pay it.
WINNIE: Then I will pay it for you. ‘Cause I bet you've had a hard day.
CONGRESSMAN: Uh. You will?
WINNIE: Yes.
CONGRESSMAN: That's, uh, you know, it's not the money, it's the principle of the thing.
WINNIE: I know that it is.
CONGRESSMAN: That's very kind of you.
WINNIE: Just Pass it On.
(Another WAITRESS and she talk.)
WAITRESS: That fellow giving you a hard time?
WINNIE: Well, you know, it takes all kinds.
WAITRESS: Hey: your vacation starts tomorrow.
WINNIE: You bet. Me and my Son are going to Yellowstone.
WAITRESS: I bet that you wish you were there right now.
WINNIE: I surely do.
RANGER: And they were all instantly transported to Yellowstone Park, the Congressman, the Judge, the Bailiff, the Guards and the Prisoners, and Winnie and her Son. For two weeks of life in the Great Outdoors.
They all sing a chorale. To wit:
Always tell the truth.
Never insult a congressman.
Don't go to court without a lawyer.
Be calm at Roadblocks.
Do not feed the bears.
