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Reba only slightly depresses me

Steve Urkel has seen me well past blue

Evan Drake stings like a nest of scorpions

Mr. Furley stirs up poison mushroom stew

Maude’s voice haunted me into my teens

Chandler’s a stuck tick of embarrassment

Deb destroys each molecule of resolve

Flo slaps me with a wet, bony hand

Lucy only slightly depresses me

Hawkeye is like being laughed at by girls

Uncle Jesse is worse than eczema

Jethrine’s just eczema at the ankles

Gilligan reminds it’s foolish to try

Jan Brady combs her hair a thousand times

Newman gets me running in small circles

Fonzie’s a kind of sweet formaldehyde

Porky only slightly depresses me

Molly Dodd really doesn’t understand

Rerun gets my nervous tic a-twitching

Roz makes me pour with a liberal hand

Gladys Kravitz undermines my ambition

Kate and Allie are a vague stink in my sheets

Buddy texts me the message ‘Hello failure’

Bailey Quarters takes off her glasses and pukes

Marcia only slightly depresses me

Meathead asks, ‘How do you spell melancholy?’ Schneider elbows me off coffee shop stages Georgette sings ‘Steam Heat’ just to make me cry

Eddie’s blog calls me ‘Bonghog’ and ‘Pillsy’

Mr. Ed warms up the spoon while singing

Lassie tsk-tsks, ‘I’m just disappointed’

Flipper straight out gives pistol-whippings

Tootie only slightly depresses me

Natalie had me wear homemade ponchos

Jo told me to stay away from L.A.

Blair told me to forget about Toronto

Holly went for drinks with me at Chez Jay’s

Val smoked with me outside the Smog Cutter

Tina tried her best at Jumbo’s Clown Room

Lauren went beer for beer at the Joker

Potsie only slightly depresses me

Skippy is pretty much off my compass

Boner saw me through six years on the couch

Cockroach yawns and says, ‘You’re a disgrace’

Kimmy Gibbler asks, ‘Are you mental?’

Jenny Piccalo asks, ‘Why’d you say that?’

Ethel says, ‘You’re your own worst enemy!’

Rhoda says, ‘Are you saying I look fat?’

Princess only slightly depresses me

Sabrina took me out in ’98

Kelly Bundy inspired my dreary sonnets

Kelly Bundy stabbed at my fingertips

Little Ricky just kept taking from me

Cousin Oliver just kept taking from me

Andrew Keaton just kept taking from me

Timmy Martin just kept taking from me

Daphne only slightly depresses me

Mrs. Naugatuck took my love of life

Mrs. G. gave me a D in ethics

Hazel said, ‘Where’d Kelly leave that knife?’

Colonel Crittendon had a good left hook

Sgt. Carter a respectable kick

Inspector Luger punched right to the face

Major Dad lunged straight towards the neck

Jeannie only slightly depresses me

Barbara Jean taught me love does not stay

Ginger Grant said, ‘I think we need to talk’

Agent 99 had to get away

Murray Slaughter sharpened the Ginsu

Keith Partridge performs sweet lobotomies

Paul and Jamie are like heart and disease

Reba only slightly depresses me

– D.M., Los Angeles, 2007