Читать книгу Just Where You Left It... and Other Poems - David Roche - Страница 9

It’s the end of term and the school report

Fills me with cynicism.

In the olden days they’d tell you straight;

Now it’s a euphemism.

You’ve got to learn the secret code

(They don’t want to contravene

The Teachers’ Charter), so you must translate

To know what they really mean.

For example, they have to describe a child

Even if they don’t know them from Adam.

If your child is labelled a “natural leader”,

That means they’re a right bossy madam.

If they “contribute well to class discussion”,

You mustn’t get cut up.

If they’re “keen to share opinions”,

It just means they won’t shut up.

If your child is called “creative”,

That just means they are a liar.

If they’re “dynamic” and “independent”,

Their concentration will be dire.

If “active and enthusiastic”,

Don’t expect a master’s degree;

The letters that should go after their name

Are probably ADHD.

“Animated” means disruptive.

A “solitary child” has nits.

“Willing to help” can only describe

A brown-noser, if truth permits.

“A pleasure to teach” means no trouble.

“Easily upset” means spoilt rotten.

If they’ve “enjoyed the social side of school”,

Class Clown is the name they have gotten.

If he “enjoys all PE activities”,

Then he’s deffo a violent thug.

If she “expresses herself confidently”,

She’s cheeky, a smartarse and smug.

“Animated” equals disruptive.

“Articulate” is quite a feat,

But it doesn’t mean they’re good at art.

“Enjoys working in teams” is a cheat.

If he “knows his own mind”, he is stubborn.

“Polite” means his work’s not OK.

“Shows interest in her environment”

Means she looks out the window all day.

But remember Winston Churchill,

Whose report said he’d “no ambition”;

When he grew up he certainly proved them all wrong…

Do carry on this tradition.