Читать книгу AniMalcolm - David Baddiel - Страница 18

About a minute later, Malcolm stopped screaming. Maybe I imagined it all, he thought.

He closed his eyes tight, and opened them again.

Then he looked at his wrinkly green arms, and thought about how he’d rolled on to his back and got stuck there.

He craned forward, and saw a section of something that was clearly on his back. It looked a bit like a World War Two German soldier’s helmet – only greener – and more, well, shell-like. Tortoise-shell like.

Then he started screaming again.

The tortoise – the one who wasn’t Malcolm – just watched him curiously the whole time. Then he said:

“Well, it’s not that bad.”

“Yes, it is!!” said Malcolm. “I’m a tortoise! I’m a tortoise!”

“I know that. But it’s happened to all of us at some point …”

“Has it?”

Malcolm, through his fear, felt a glimmer of hope. It happens to lots of people? This tortoise was also a human who had somehow ended up a tortoise? Of course! That’s why he could speak! Then there must be a way back to being hu—

“Hey!” he said, as the tortoise broke Malcolm’s train of thought by nuzzling his snout somewhere under Malcolm’s shell.

“Hang on!” said the tortoise.

“Hang on to whaa—” said Malcolm, as he felt himself being lifted on to his side. And then perched on his side. He rotated slightly like a very slowly spinning coin. The tortoise backed away, and retreated inside his shell.

“What are you doing?” said Malcolm. “Don’t leave me on the edge! On the edge of my … edge!”

“Just taking a breather,” said the tortoise, emerging from his shell. “You’re not exactly terrapin-sized, are you? And besides, I need you to keep spinning round until I’m facing your shell-side.”

“Can’t you walk round to my …” Malcolm couldn’t believe he was saying it, “… shell-side?!”

The tortoise blinked. “Do you want to stay like that until next year?”

“Er …”

“No. Thought not.”

Malcolm continued to revolve. Helplessly, he watched as the tortoise disappeared from view.

“Right!” said the tortoise’s voice. “Try and stay like that. I’ll take a bit of a run-up.”

About fifteen minutes passed.

During those fifteen minutes, Malcolm thought about what on earth could have happened. These were the options as he saw them.

A) He was dreaming. But he didn’t think this could be right, as he normally only dreamt about computers. And never about animals. Plus, it really didn’t feel like a dream.

B) He was having some kind of hallucination, brought on by extreme boredom following a whole day – a whole life, it felt like – of people telling him about animals.

C) He had turned into a tortoise.

He was mainly going with option B, option A being dismissed for the reasons explained within option A, and option C, being, um, not possible.

Either way, he thought, it was best to just go along with what was happening, and assume that, eventually, everything could be got back to normal. The only alternative, after all, was screaming in horror, and there was a limit to how long he could do that for.

Then Malcolm felt a bump as the other tortoise finally reached him.

Gradually, more or less at the speed that the Bailey family car-boot door shut when not slammed, he came back down: the right way up.

“Ooofff!” he said. He looked to his left. The tortoise was still there.

“Thanks,” said Malcolm, because that was what the tortoise looked like he was expecting.

“No worries.” The tortoise, satisfied, began to turn round.

“Sorry … um …?”

“Benny.”

“Benny? You’re one of the farm tortoises …? With Bjorn?”

“Yes. Course. I’m not a wild tortoise.”

Malcolm frowned, although that wasn’t something that was easily noticeable. Basically, his face just went a little more wrinkly than usual.

“Are there such things?”

“Not in the UK, no.”

“Um …” said Malcolm. “You said – earlier – that it happens to all of us …”

“Well, it does.”

“How do you get out of it, then?”

Benny looked at him. “Like I just showed you.”

“What did you show me?”

“How to get out of being stuck on your back!”

Malcolm shook his head. Even that, he was aware, took quite a bit of time.

“No! I thought you meant get out of being a tortoise. How do you get out of being a tortoise!”

“Oh,” said Benny. “Can’t help you there, I’m afraid.”

Which was when Malcolm started screaming again.