Читать книгу The Parent Agency - David Baddiel - Страница 19

Barry was about to refuse to even look at TSE, and certainly not listen to them, but it very quickly became clear that, in this world, even The Sisterly Entity were not quite the same as they were in his world.

To begin with, like everyone who worked at the Parent Agency, they were wearing onesies, which they would never have done at home. Plus their hair had gone weird: it had been combed up, a bit like their granny’s hair used to be in black-and-white photos. And, crucially, they were looking at him – Barry – not like they were about to make fun of him, or tell on him to Mum or Dad, but as if he was really, really important.

One reason Barry felt this was because it was actually quite hard for them to look at him. They had come in sideways, carrying a large silver tray, but were still turning their heads as far as they could towards him, and smiling politely. On the tray were five very large egg timers. They were made of glass and each one was a different colour: yellow, orange, green, blue and red. The Sisterly Entity set the tray down on the Head’s desk, between him and Barry, and went to sit on two chairs at the side of the room.

Then they took out, from the pockets of their onesies, notepads. Real pads – they both flicked them open – followed by real pencils, sharpened and ready to write. Neither of them was getting ready to mime with their palm.

Not wanting to look at them, Barry said to the Head: “Those are very big egg timers.”

“Egg timers? These, Barry, are Hourglasses.”

“Oh yes, I’ve heard them called that too.”

“These are 24-Hourglasses.

Dayglasses,” said the Head. “So. Five day glasses. And in five days’ time…” He picked up the first glass, the yellow one, and dramatically – a bit overdramatically, Barry thought – turned it upside down so that the sand started to fall and said, “…you, Barry, will be ten!”

“Yes,” said TSE One. “Hardly any time to make sure he doesn’t end up…” She trailed off.

“You know…” said TSE Two, also trailing off.

The Head did a small, quick and supposedly-but-actually-not-very-secretive headshake at them. Barry knew this was body language for “Shhh, don’t tell him about that”.

“Hold on!” said Barry. “What happens to me if I don’t find…” He could hardly believe he was saying it. “…um, parents… by my tenth birthday?”

“As you can see, Barry,” said the Head, ignoring the question again, “the sand in the 24-Hourglass trickles down very slowly. It will take, in fact, exactly…”

“Twenty-four hours?” said Barry.

“Yes,” said the Head, looking a little put out, since – Barry now realised – he had only been pausing for effect, and had wanted to say that himself.

“So! Secretaries!” said the Head, moving on. “What would you suggest? In terms of parent-finding?”

They frowned. One turned to the other and started whispering furiously, while the other nodded furiously, and went “hm”, “yes”, “right”. Furiously. Then they turned back to Barry and the Head.

“We think, sir, that, given the… you know… circumstances…” said TSE One.

“Yes, the…” said TSE Two, glancing significantly at the row of Dayglasses, “circumstances…”

“…the best thing might be our One-a-Day Parent Package Offer, which we could run for five days,” said TSE One.

“We don’t, as you know, sir, normally offer that for five days running, but in the circumstances…” said TSE Two.

“Can you please stop saying circumstances in that… that… whispery, looking-around-as-you-say-it way!” said Barry, breaking the rule of a lifetime – well, of the last month – by addressing The Sisterly Entity directly. Although he’d already started to think of them as The Secretary Entity.

“Interesting,” said the Head. “I like it.”

Barry looked at him. It was as if he hadn’t spoken at all. He took a deep breath and decided, for the moment, to forget about his circumstances. “This… package,” he said resignedly. “How does it work?”

“We’ll match you with five different sets of parents,” said Secretary One.

“And you can then try them out. A daily trial. Each set of parents for a day,” said Secretary Two.

“And then…” said the Head, “you can tell us which set you like best. And Bob’s your uncle! Or rather your parents! Sorry, I shouldn’t have said Bob’s your uncle; that’s confusing. Unless one of those parents did indeed have a brother called Bob, in which case Bob would indeed… be your uncle.”

“Right…” said Barry, confused.

“Also,” said Secretary One, “if you let us know of anything you might want to do with each set of parents… go to the zoo, visit a theme park, a trip to the cinema… we can take a note of that now and let them know in advance!”

This, Barry had to admit, was starting to sound interesting.